They planned their lives so everything would work out perfectly. Anna had a good job as a legal secretary in a successful firm of criminal lawyers and Chad was a counselor in a small mental health clinic in San Francisco while he was finishing his doctorate in clinical psychology. They had a fairy-tale wedding, then a baby girl and three years later a baby boy. Anna was deliriously happy despite the fact that she worked through two pregnancies and took a three-month leave for each baby. But when Mike was a new baby, she almost got divorced. She caught her perfect husband in an affair with a woman whose identity she never learned. He wouldn’t tell her who it was but admitted he’d been involved. He deeply regretted it, swore it was over and wasn’t inclined to end their marriage on account of it. Especially since they had two small children.
Oddly, Blanche and Chad’s family joined forces to urge them to work it out, a challenge not for the faint of heart. They limped along for a few years, always on the brink of separating. In all honesty, if Chad hadn’t been so determined they stay together and try to make it work for the sake of their children, Anna would have thrown in the towel. How could she ever trust him again? How could she ever feel adored again? She hated him so mightily she wanted to kill him.
Instead, she took the LSAT and applied to law school while he was working and the kids were small. She was determined she would not be left a penniless divorcée with no prospects. It was hell, law school while mothering, but she did it. Against all odds. Nothing can motivate a young mother like the fear of being left penniless with a family to raise.
Then it was the boost her achievement gave her ego and brought her up to the finish line, to a place of confidence where she could either leave him or give him another chance. She decided he’d been good and faithful for a few years and had earned another chance so she let herself fall in love with him all over again, and along came Bess.
There were a few times after that reconnection that she doubted him, wondered if maybe he was sliding away from her, but she dismissed her doubts. Chad had always needed a lot of attention, but he responded well to adoration, so she obliged. He also needed to give a lot, so if she fussed over him, he would kiss her shoulder while she brushed her teeth, pat her ass while she rinsed the dishes, lay his head in her lap while they watched TV. She told him he was like a Labrador puppy, always looking for approval and a good petting. A few sweet words and he worshipped her again. That was the balance they struck for the rest of their marriage until recently.
“With Chad, it was never enough,” Anna said to Joe. “Did you know we were in counseling?”
Joe sipped his coffee. “I hadn’t talked to Chad in quite a while,” he said. “That didn’t come up. But it wouldn’t surprise me. Chad, being a counselor, had people in therapy at any excuse. I think it was a favorite pastime of his.”
“This time he was talking of being unfulfilled. He was depressed, not sleeping well and said he was in a crisis because he wasn’t ready to get old. Telling him it was just a state of mind didn’t work.”
“I’m sorry,” Joe said. “I didn’t know.”
“That’s what the rafting trip was about. It was about living life to the fullest, having adventure and excitement before it was too late. Frankly, I thought that was ridiculous and I’d be more likely to believe it was an affair. I suppose it was not, since he died. Rafting. Sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“The coroner said it was a heart attack followed by drowning. I’m told it isn’t uncommon. Especially for men who wanted to prove something, like that they weren’t getting too old.”
“He was sixty-two,” Joe said. “In good health and great shape.”
“Not great enough shape,” she said. “He always needed a lot of reinforcement. There was a young pregnant woman at the service. She looked about thirty. She didn’t seem to know anyone.”
Anna just waited, silent.
“Surely not,” Joe said.
“Would he have told you? If he was having an affair?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Joe said. “He didn’t, if that’s what you’re asking. He shared a few sensitive things he described as confidential but they had a lot to do with work. He thought we had some of that in common. Therefore...”
“You wouldn’t tell me?” she asked. “Even now?”
“I wouldn’t break a confidence, even though Chad isn’t with us now. An oath is an oath, don’t you think? I’d keep a confidence of yours past death.”
She just stared at him for a moment. She sipped her coffee. “How bloody admirable.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you think has happened,” Joe suggested.
“His malaise and complaints began about a year after I took the bench,” she said. “Chad has never been comfortable with my success. It made him needy. And I should admit—there comes a point when I just can’t endure it and turn into a bitch.”
Joe merely smiled. “And the young woman?”
“I don’t know why she’d be there unless she had an important connection to Chad. And I may never know what that is,” she said.
“Chad had his issues, as we all do, but I never knew him to chase young women.”
“He was a crazy flirt!” Anna protested.
“Flirt, yes, but that’s not the same as an affair. And with a young woman? I don’t know, Anna. It’s possible, but I don’t know... I can honestly say, without breaking a confidence, I knew nothing of a situation like that. I have no advice. I’d help if I could.”
“I’ve been too busy to even go through his desk. I checked his text messages, but I didn’t have time to do a thorough look. The kids were here and we were so busy with arrangements.”
“Are you sure you want to know?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. “Absolutely. Because he put me through a lot the last six months with all his discontent and frustration that life just wasn’t enough for him and then he died. Leaving me to wonder if I’d failed. If it was somehow my fault.”
“No! Anna, no! Listen,” he said, setting his cup on the coffee table even as he scooted to the edge of the sofa, leaning toward her. “Everyone is in charge of their own happiness. Responsible for their own coping. Happiness is largely a choice. And everyone goes through periods of discontent, but they work through it or make major changes. But unless you’re abusing someone it is not your fault. And I know you weren’t abusing Chad.”
“The opposite,” she said. “We had a system. All he needed was to have his way. Since he hardly ever needed me to trade off attention to my kids or my career for his happiness, it was easy. If that was what we had to do to make the marriage last, to make it work, it was easy. I’m a good sport. And then there’s the fact that when Chad is happy the very sun shines brighter.” She took a sip of her coffee. “I kind of hated him for that.” Then she smiled and said, “The widow should not be drinking coffee.”
“Wanna do shots?” he asked, grinning.
TWO
Anna’s kids responded very differently to the loss of their father, but then they were very different kids. Jessie was brilliant and beautiful and very high-maintenance. Anna and Jessie got along well about half the time. The other half was often a struggle. Anna liked to think Jessie got that touch of narcissism from Chad but she hadn’t seemed to inherit Chad’s charm. Chad might have been all about Chad but he used his gifts well; he had charisma and magnetism. He knew how to win people over. That was very important in counseling. He gained the trust of his clientele immediately. Jessie, an internist, was often praised as a wonderful doctor who went the extra mile for her patients. But with her family, she was a lot of work.
Unsurprisingly, she was angry about her father’s death. “You should never have let him do that trip,” she had scolded Anna.
“What makes you think I could have stopped him?” Anna had returned.
So, Jessie was not so secretly blaming Anna for Chad’s selfishness and death. She hadn’t come right out and said so, but it was there.