Chapter Five
Lake was upset when she woke up Saturday morning and I was already gone. She says it wasn’t fair that she slept through our entire first sleepover. Regardless, I enjoyed it. I watched her sleep for a while before I went back home.
We didn’t get into any more situations like the one in her bedroom Friday night. I think we’re both surprised at how intense things got; so we’re trying to avoid it happening again. Until this coming weekend, anyway. Saturday we spent the evening at Joel’s with Eddie and Gavin. Sunday, Lake and I did homework together. Pretty typical weekend.
Now I’m sitting here in Death and Dying, being stared down by the only person I’ve ever had sex with. It’s awkward. The way Vaughn is acting, I feel like I really am hiding something from Lake. But telling her about Vaughn now would just prove that I wasn’t being completely honest the first week of school. The last thing I want to do before this weekend is upset Lake, so I decide to wait another week before I bring it up.
“Vaughn, the professor is up there,” I say, pointing to the front of the room. She continues to stare at me.
“Will, you’re being a snob,” she whispers. “I don’t understand why you won’t just talk to me. If you were really over what happened between us, it wouldn’t bother you this much.”
I can’t believe she honestly thinks I’m not over us. I’ve been over us since the day I first laid eyes on Lake.
“I’m over us, Vaughn. It’s been three years. You’re over us, too. You just always want what you can’t have, and it’s pissing you off. It’s got nothing to do with me.”
She folds her arms across her chest and sits back in her chair. “You think I want you?” She glares at me, then turns her attention to the front of the room. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re an a*shole?” she whispers.
I laugh. “As a matter of fact, yes. More than once.”
***
Today is Kel and Caulder’s first day back to school since their suspension. They both climb in the car with defeated expressions across their faces. I eye the books spilling out of their backpacks and realize it’s going to be a night full of catching up on homework for the two of them. “I guess you guys learned your lesson,” I say, pulling out of the parking lot.
Lake is walking out of my house when we get out of the car. It doesn’t bother me at all that she’s at my house when I’m not home, but I'm a little curious what she was doing while she was inside. She sees the confusion on my face as she walks toward me. She holds out her hand and reveals one of the stars that her mother made, resting in her palm.
“Don’t judge me,” she says. She looks down at her palm and rolls the star around in her hand. “I just miss her today.”
The look on her face makes me sad for her. I give her a quick hug, then watch her walk across the street and go back inside her house. She’s in need of alone time, so I give it to her. “Kel, stay over here for a while. I’ll help you guys with all your homework.”
It takes us a couple of hours to finish the weeks’ worth of assignments that piled up while the boys were suspended. Gavin and Eddie are supposed to come over for dinner tonight, so I head to the kitchen to start cooking. We’re not having burgers tonight. I’m sure we’ll never have burgers again. I debate on whether or not I want to cook basagna, but decide against it. Honestly, I don’t even feel like cooking. I grab the phone and go to the fridge and slide the Chinese menu out from under the magnet.
Half an hour later, Eddie and Gavin show up, followed a minute later by Lake, then the Chinese delivery guy. I set the containers in the middle of the table and we all start filling our plates.
“We’re in the middle of a game, can we eat in my room tonight?” Caulder asks.
“Sure,” I say.
“I thought they were grounded,” Gavin says.
“They are,” Lake replies.
Gavin picks up his eggroll and takes a bite. “They’re playing video games. What exactly are they grounded from, then?”
Lake looks to me for assistance. I don’t know the answer, but I try anyway.
“Gavin, are you questioning our parenting skills?” I ask.
“Nope,” Gavin says. “Not at all.”
There’s a weird vibe tonight. Eddie is extremely quiet as she picks at her food. Gavin and I try to make small talk, but that doesn’t last long. Lake seems to be in her own little world, not paying much attention to what’s going on. I try to break the tension.
“Suck and sweet time,” I say. Almost simultaneously, all three of them object.
“What’s going on?” I ask them. “What’s with all the depression tonight?” No one answers me. Eddie and Gavin look at each other. Eddie looks like she’s about to cry so Gavin kisses her on the forehead, but they just continue eating. I look over at Lake and she’s just staring down at her plate, twirling her noodles around. “What about you, Babe? What’s wrong?” I say to her.
“Nothing. Really, it’s nothing,” she says, unsuccessfully trying to convince me she’s fine. She smiles at me and grabs both of our glasses and goes to the kitchen to refill them.
“Sorry, Will,” Gavin says. “Eddie and I aren’t trying to be rude. We’ve just got a lot on our minds lately.”
“No problem,” I say. “Anything I can do to help?”
They both shake their heads. “You going to the slam Thursday night?” Gavin asks, changing the subject.
We haven’t been in a few weeks. Since before Christmas, I think. “I don’t know, I guess we could.” I turn to Lake. “You want to?”
She shrugs. “Sounds fun. We’ll have to see if someone can watch Kel and Caulder, though.”
Eddie clears her and Gavin’s spots at the table while Gavin puts his jacket on. “We’ll see you there, then. Thanks for supper. We won’t suck so much next time.”
“It’s fine,” I say. “Everyone’s entitled to a bad day every now and then.”
After they leave, I close the take-out containers and start placing them in the refrigerator while Lake washes our dishes in the sink. I walk over to her and hug her. “You sure you’re okay?” I ask.
She turns around and hugs me back, laying her head against my chest. “I’m fine, Will. It’s just….” She stops talking. I lift her face up to mine and she’s trying to hold back tears.
I place my hand on the back of her head and pull her to me. “What’s wrong?”
She quietly cries into my shirt. I can tell she’s trying again to stop herself. I wish she wasn’t so hard on herself when she gets sad.
“It’s just today,” she says. “It’s their anniversary.”
I realize she’s talking about her mom and dad, so I don’t say anything. I just hug her tighter and kiss the top of her head.
“I know it’s silly that I’m upset. I’m mostly upset about the fact that it’s making me so upset,” she says.
I place my hands on her cheeks and pull her gaze to mine. “It’s not silly, Lake. I don’t know why you get so mad at yourself when you’re sad. It’s okay to cry sometimes.”
She smiles and kisses me, then breaks away, still attempting to not be sad. “I’m going somewhere with Eddie tomorrow night. Wednesday night I have a study group, so I won’t see you until Thursday. Are you getting a sitter, or should I?” she asks.
“Do you really think they need one? Kel’s eleven now and Caulder will be eleven in two months. Don’t you think they can stay home for a few hours by themselves?”
She nods. “I guess so. Maybe I’ll ask Sherry if she’ll at least feed them supper and check on them. I could give her some money.”
“I like that idea,” I say.
She calls for Kel after she gets her jacket and shoes on, then walks back to the kitchen and puts her arms around me. “Ninety three more hours," she says, planting a kiss on my neck. “I love you.”
“Listen to me,” I say as I look her intently in the eyes. “It’s okay to be sad, Lake. Quit trying to carve so many pumpkins. And I love you, too.” I kiss her one last time and lock the door behind them when they leave.
Tonight was really strange. The whole vibe seemed off. I decide since we’re going to the slam to try to put my thoughts down on paper. I think I’ll surprise Lake and do one for her this week. Maybe it'll help her feel better.
***
For reasons beyond my comprehension, Vaughn sits next to me again on Wednesday. You would think after our little tiff on Monday that she would have given up by now. I was hoping she had, anyway.
She pulls her notebook out and opens her textbook where we left off Monday. She doesn’t stare at me this time. In fact, she doesn’t even speak during the entire class period. I’m happy she’s not talking to me, but at the same time I feel a little guilty for being so rude to her. Not guilty enough to apologize about it, though. She did deserve it.
As we’re packing our things up, still not speaking, she slides something across the table to me, then walks out. I debate throwing the note in the trash without reading it, but my curiosity gets the better of me. I wait until I’m seated in my next class to open it.
Will,
You may not want to hear this, but I need to say it. I’m really sorry. Breaking up with you is one of my biggest regrets in life so far. Especially breaking up with you when I did. It wasn’t fair to you, I realize that now; but I was young and I was scared.
You can’t act like what we had between us was nothing. I loved you, and I know you loved me. You at least owe me the courtesy of talking to me. I just want the chance to apologize to you in person. I can’t seem to let go of how things ended between us. Let me apologize.
Vaughn
I fold the note up and put it in my pocket, then lay my head down on the desk and sigh. She’s not going to let it go. I don’t want to think about it right now, so I don’t. I’ll worry about it later.
***
The next night, I don’t think about anything other than Lake.
I’m picking her up in an hour, so I rush through my homework and head to the shower. I walk past Caulder’s bedroom on my way. He and Kel are playing video games.
“Why can’t we go with you? You said yourself there wasn’t an age limit,” Kel says.
I pause and back step to their doorway. “You guys actually want to go? You realize it’s poetry, right?”
They seem excited at the possibility of actually going.
“Fine, let me make sure it’s okay with Lake first.” I head out the front door and across the street. When I open the door to her house, she screams.
“Will! Turn around!” I turn around, but not before I see her. She must have just gotten out of the shower, because she’s standing in the living room completely naked.
“Oh my god, I thought I locked the door. Doesn’t anyone knock?”
I laugh. “Welcome to my world,” I say.
“You can turn around now,” she says.
When I turn around, she’s wrapped in a towel. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her waist, pick her up off the floor and spin her around. “Twenty four more hours,” I say as her feet touch the floor again. “You nervous yet?”
“Nope, not at all. Like I said before…I’m in good hands.”
I want to kiss her, but I don’t. The towel is too much, so I back away from her and ask her what I came here to ask her. “Kel and Caulder want to know if it’s okay if they go with us tonight. They’re curious,” I say.
“Really? That’s weird…but I don’t care if you don’t care,” she says.
“Okay, then. I’ll tell them.” I walk back toward the door. “And Lake? Thanks for giving me another preview.”
She looks slightly embarrassed so I wink at her and shut her front door behind me. This is about to be the longest twenty-four hours of my life.
***
We take a seat in the back of the club with Gavin and Eddie. In fact, it’s the same booth Lake and I sat in on our first date. Kiersten wanted to come, too, so it’s a tight fit.
Sherry must trust us a lot. She asked a lot of questions about the slam before she agreed to let Kiersten come, though. By the end of the question/answer session, Sherry was intrigued. She said it would be good for Kiersten to see a slam. Kiersten said doing a slam would be good for her portfolio, so she brought a pen and a notebook to take notes.
“Alright, who’s thirsty?” I take drink orders and head to the bar before the sac is brought on stage to perform. I explained the rules to all the kids on the way here, so I think they have a pretty good understanding of it. I haven’t told them I’m performing though. I want it to be a surprise. Lake doesn’t know either, so before I take the drinks back to the table, I go pay my fee.
“This is so cool,” Kiersten says when I get back to the booth. “You guys are the coolest parents ever.”
“No they aren’t,” Kel says. “They don’t let us cuss.”
Lake hushes them as the first performer steps up to the microphone. I recognize the guy; I’ve seen him perform here a lot. He’s really good. I put my arm around Lake and he begins his poem.
“My name is Edmund Davis-Quinn and this is a piece I wrote called Write Poorly.”
Write poorly.
Suck
Write awful
Terribly
Frightfully
Don’t care
Turn off the inner editor
Let yourself write
Let it flow
Let yourself fail
Do something crazy
Write fifty thousand words in the month of November.
I did it.
It was fun, it was insane it was one thousand six hundred and sixty seven words a day.
It was possible.
But, you have to turn off your inner critic.
Off completely.
Just write.
Quickly.
In Bursts.
With joy.
If you can’t write, run away for a few.
Come back.
Write again.
Writing is like anything else.
You won’t get good at it immediately.
It’s a craft you have to keep getting better.
You don’t get to Julliard, unless you practice.
If you want to get to Carnegie Hall, practice, practice, practice.
…or give them a lot of money.
Like anything else it takes ten thousand hours to get to mastery.
Just like Malcolm Gladwell says.
So write.
Fail.
Get your thoughts down.
Let it rest.
Let it marinate.
Then edit.
But don’t edit as you type,
that just slows the brain down.
Find a daily practice,
for me it’s blogging every day.
And it’s fun.
The more you write, the easier it gets. The more it is a flow, the less a worry. It’s not for school, it’s not for a grade, it’s just to get your thoughts out there.
You know they want to come out.
So keep at it. Make it a practice. And write poorly, write awfully, write with abandon and it may end up being
really
really
good.
When the crowd starts cheering I glance at the kids. They’re all just staring at the stage. “Holy shit,” Kiersten says. “This is awesome. That was incredible.”
“Why are you just now bringing us here, Will? This is so cool!” Caulder says.
I’m surprised they all seem to like it as much as they do. They’re relatively quiet the rest of the night as they watch the performers. Kiersten keeps writing in her notebook. I’m not sure what kind of notes she’s taking but I can see she’s really into it. I make a mental note to give her some of my older poems later.
“Next up, Will Cooper,” the emcee says. Everyone at the table looks at me, surprised.
“Are you doing one?” Lake says. I just smile at her and nod as I stand up and walk away from the table.
I used to get nervous when I would perform. A small part of me still does, but I think it’s more the adrenaline rush than anything. The first time I ever came here was with my father. He was really into the arts. Music, poetry, painting, reading, writing. All of it. I saw him perform here for the first time when I was fifteen. I’ve been hooked since. I hate that Caulder never got to know that side of him. I’ve kept as much of my dad’s writings as I could find, even a couple of old paintings. Someday I’ll give them all to Caulder. Someday when he's old enough to appreciate it.
I take the stage and walk up to the microphone, adjusting the height of it. My poem isn’t going to make sense to anyone besides Lake. This one’s just for her.
“My piece is called Point of Retreat,” I say into the microphone. The spotlight is bright, so I can’t see her from up here, but I have a pretty good idea she’s smiling. I don’t rush the words of the poem, I perform it slow so she can take in every word of it.
Twenty-two hours and our war begins.
Our war of limbs
and lips
and hands…
The point of retreat
Is no longer a factor
When both sides of the line
Agree to surrender
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost…
Or is it how many times you’ve won?
This game we’ve been playing for fifty-nine weeks
I’d say the score
is
none
to
none.
Twenty-two hours and our war begins
Our war of limbs
and lips
and hands…
The best part of finally
Not calling retreat?
The showers above us
Raining down on our feet
While the bombs are exploding and the guns fire their rounds. Before the two of us collapse to the ground. Before the battle, before the war…
You need to know
I’d go fifty-nine more.
Whatever it takes to let you win.
I’d retreat all over
and all over
and over
again.
I back away from the microphone and find the stairs. I’m not even halfway back to the booth when Lake throws her arms around my neck and kisses me. “Thank you,” she whispers in my ear.
When I slide into the booth, Caulder rolls his eyes. “You could have warned us, Will. We would have hid in the bathroom.”
“I thought it was beautiful,” Kiersten says.
It’s after nine when round two gets underway. “Come on kids, you guys have school tomorrow. We need to go,” I say. They all whine as they slide out of the booth one by one.
***
Once we get home, the kids head into the houses and Lake and I linger in the driveway, hugging. It's getting harder and harder to be separated from her at night, knowing she’s just yards away. It's become a nightly struggle not to text her and beg her to come crawl in bed with me. Now that our promise to Julia has been fulfilled, I have a feeling nothing will stop us after tomorrow night. Well, other than the fact that we're trying to set a good example for Kel and Caulder. But there's ways to sneak around that.
I slide my hands up the back of her shirt to warm them. They’re freezing. She apparently thinks so too and begins to squirm, trying to get out of my grasp.
"Your hands are freezing!" she laughs, still trying to pull away from me.
I just squeeze her tighter. "I know. That's why you need to be still so I can warm them up." I rub them against her skin, attempting to keep the mental images of tomorrow night from overtaking my thoughts at the moment. It's so distracting. I remove my hands from underneath her shirt and wrap my arms around her.
“So. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?” I ask her.
She shoots me a dirty look. “Do you want me to punch you in the face or the nuts?”
I laugh, but prepare to defend myself just in case. “My grandparents are worried the boys will get bored at their house, so they want to keep them at my house instead. The good news is, we can’t stay at your house now so I booked us two nights in a hotel in Detroit.”
“That’s not bad news. Don’t scare me like that,” she says.
"I just thought you would be a little apprehensive about seeing my grandmother. I know how you feel about her.”
She looks at me and frowns. “Don’t, Will. You know good and well it’s not how I feel about her. She hates me!”
“She doesn’t hate you,” I say. “She’s just protective of me.” I wrap my arms around her tighter and try to push the thought out of her mind by kissing her ear.
“Well, it’s your fault she hates me anyway.”
I pull back and look at her. “My fault? How is it my fault?”
She rolls her eyes. “Your graduation? You don’t remember what you said the first night I met her?”
I don’t remember. I don’t know what she’s talking about. I try to remember, but nothing comes to mind.
“Will, we were all over each other. After your graduation when we all went out to eat, you could barely talk you were kissing me so much. It was making your grandmother really uncomfortable. When she asked you how long we’d been dating, you told her eighteen hours! How do you think that made me look?”
I remember now. That dinner was really fun. It felt great not to be ethically bound from putting my hands all over her, so that's all I did all night long.
“But it’s sort of true,” I say. “We were only officially dating for eighteen hours.”
Lake hits me on the arm. “She thinks I’m a slut, Will! It’s embarrassing!”
I touch my lips against her ear again. “Not yet, you’re not,” I tease.
She pushes me away and points to herself. “You aren’t getting any more of this for twenty-four hours.” She laughs and starts to walk backwards up her driveway.
“Twenty-one,” I correct her.
She reaches the front door and turns and goes inside without so much as a goodnight kiss. What a tease! She’s not getting the upper hand tonight. I run up the driveway and open her front door and pull her back outside. I push her against the brick wall of the entryway and look her in the eyes as I press my body against hers. She’s trying to look mad, but I can see the corner of her mouth break out into a smile. Our hands interlock and I bring them above her head and press them against the wall. “Listen to me very carefully,” I whisper. I continue to look her in the eyes. She listens. She likes it when I try to intimidate her. “I don’t want you to pack a damn thing. I want you to wear exactly what you were wearing last Friday night. Do you still have that ugly shirt?”
She smiles and nods. I don’t think she could speak right now if she wanted to.
“Good. What you’re wearing when we leave tomorrow night is the only thing you’re allowed to bring. No pajamas….no extra clothes. Nothing. I want you to meet me at my house at seven o’clock tomorrow night. Do you understand?”
She nods again. Her pulse is racing against my chest and I can tell by the look in her eyes that she needs me to kiss her. My hands remain clasped with hers against the wall as I move my mouth closer to her lips. I hesitate at the last minute and decide not to kiss her. I slowly drop her hands and back away from her and make my way back to the house. When I reach my front door, I turn around and she’s still leaning against the brick in the same position. Good. I got the upper hand this time.
Friday, January 20th, 2012
Lake will never read my journal, so I should say what’s really on my mind, right? Even if she does read this, it’ll be after I’m dead when she’s sorting through my things. So technically, maybe one day she will actually read this. But it won’t matter by then, ‘cause I’ll be dead.
So, Lake…if you’re reading this…I’m sorry I’m dead.
But for right now, in this moment…I am so alive. So very much alive. Tonight is the night. It’s been worth the wait. All fifty-nine weeks of it. (Over seventy if you count from our first date)
So, I’ll just say what’s on my mind, okay?
Sex.
Sex, sex, sex. I’m having sex tonight. Making love. Butterflying. Whatever you want to call it, we’ll be doing it.
And I can’t freaking wait.