Chapter 5
This is an important chapter.
I think so, anyway.
The bruises on my face healed pretty quickly and I spent the next while of my life just hanging around. A happening was looming. It was out there somewhere beyond the regular enclosed life that I had been living. It was out there, not waiting, but existing. Being. Perhaps it was only slightly wondering if I would come to it.
Maybe I’m just talking stupid.
Anyway.
The happening that happened was that I met this girl when I was working with Dad on a Saturday.
She was something, I promise you.
I’d spent the whole morning digging a trench under the house at this job in a district maybe five kilometers away from ours, and I was dead. Dead by lunch.
There was dirt all over me and my neck was straightened and stiffened from bending over and digging. When I came out from underneath, she was there. She was there with her mother and father and she was so real I nearly choked on the nothingness in my mouth. My height, she was, and calm and real in the face. She smiled at me with real lips and her real voice said “Hi” when we met.
I wiped my right hand on my pants and shook all their hands. Mother. Father. Girl.
“My son, Cameron,” my dad told them when I crawled out, shaking the dirt from my hair. He even sounded like he remotely liked having me around.
“G’day,” I said when I faced up to them, and Dad kind of took the parents on a tour of what we’d done on their property. They were having pretty massive extensions done, which were cramping up the yard a little. It was a nice house, though.
The girl.
“Rebecca,” her mother had told me. When Dad was doing the grand tour I was alone with her.
What was I meant to do?
Talk?
Wait?
Sit down?
All up, all we did was stand there a while and then sit on these deck chair sort of things. I looked away and looked at her and looked away again
What an animal.
I sure had a way with the ladies, didn’t I?
Finally, when it was almost too late and the old fellas were coming back, I said to her in this crazed quiet voice, “I like workin’ here,” and after the silence, we both laughed a bit and I thought, What a weird thing to say. I like working here. I like working here. I Like. Working here. I. Like working here.
As I repeated it over in my head I wondered if she knew what it really meant.
I think she did.
Rebecca.
It was a nice name, and while I liked the calmness in her face, I liked her voice better. I remembered it and let it chant across me. Just that “Hi.” Pathetic, I know, but when your experience with women is as minimal as mine, you take whatever you can get.
All afternoon, it lasted. There was even very little pain in the work I did because I had Rebecca now. I had her voice and the realness of it to numb everything. It numbed the blisters forming at the base of my fingers and blunted the blade seeking my spine.
“Hi,” she’d said. “Hi,” and she’d laughed with me when I said something stupid. I’d been laughed at before by girls, but it was rare for me to laugh with one. It was rare to feel okay with a city over my shoulder and a girl’s face so close to mine. She had breath and sight and she was real. That was the best thing. She was realer than the dental nurse because she wasn’t behind a counter being paid to be friendly. And she was definitely realer than the women in that catalog thing because there was no way I would ever tear this girl up. There was no way I would dare to hurt her or curse her or hide her under my bed.
Eyes. Alive eyes. Light hair falling down her back. A pimple at the side of her face, near her hairline. Nice neck, shoulders. Not a beauty queen. Not one of those. You know the ones.
She was real.
She played music later on and it wasn’t anything much that I liked, but that made her realer still. The whole situation even made me smile at Dad when he told me off for digging something in the wrong place.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I said.
“Dig over there.”
I wonder if he knew. I doubt it. He didn’t seem to catch on when I asked if we’d be back here next week.
“Yeah, we’ll be back,” he’d answered bluntly.
“Good,” but I said it only to me.
A bit later, I asked, “What’s these people’s last name?”
“Conlon.”
The thing that hit me most was that I suddenly started praying. I started saying these prayers for Rebecca Conlon and her family. I couldn’t stop myself.
“Please bless Rebecca Conlon,” I kept saying to God. “Just let her be okay, okay? Let her and her family be okay tonight. That’s all I ask. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,” and I crossed myself like the Catholics do and I’m not even a Catholic. I don’t know what I am.
During the next week, I kept praying, and I kept making sure to remember her face, and her voice.
“I’d be good to her,” I kept telling God. “I would.”
I was actually torn between the love I had for her face and her body and the love I had for her voice. Her face had character all right. Strength. I loved it. I definitely loved her neck and her throat and her shoulders and her arms and legs. All of it — and then there was the voice.
The voice came from somewhere in her. It came from somewhere that didn’t show itself, I hoped, to just anyone.
The question was, Which part of her was I interested in most? Was it the look of her, or the inner realness I could sense slipping out?
I started taking walks, just to think of her — just to imagine what she was doing and if by any chance she was thinking of me.
It became torture.
“God, is she thinking of me?” I asked God.
God didn’t answer so I just didn’t know. All I knew was that I walked parallel to urban traffic that laughed as it went past me. Crowds of people dropped out of buses and trains and ignored me as they went past. I didn’t care. I had Rebecca Conlon. Nothing else meant a whole lot. Even back home when I bickered with Rube I didn’t worry. I just kept not worrying, because she was somewhere near it all in my thoughts.
Joy.
Is that what I felt?
Sometimes.
At other times I was shouldered by thoughts of doubt and a kind of truth that told me she hadn’t thought of me at all. It was possible, because things never work out how they should. It was most likely that a sweet girl like that could do a whole lot better than me. She could do better than a fella who plotted ridiculous robberies with his brother, got thrown out of newsagencies, and humiliated his mother.
Sometimes I thought about her naked, but never for long. I didn’t want her only like that. Honestly.
I wanted to find the place where her voice came from. That was what I wanted. I wanted to be nice to her. I wanted to please her, and I begged for it to happen. Begging gets you nowhere, though. I knew that was true, but I did it inside me anyway as I counted the hours till I was going back to her.
Things happened during the that will follow in the next chapters, but now I should tell you at the end of this one here what happened when Dad and I showed up at the Conlons’ the next Saturday.
This is what happened.
My heart beat big.
One of them’s back.
Can you believe it?
The nerve of her.
Do you know who I mean? It’s one of the women from that swimwear catalog, and she comes to me in our kitchen.
Seductively.
It’s musty and half-dark. Sweaty. “Hello, Cameron.” She keeps coming, and she pulls a chair over to sit right opposite me. Our knees touch — that’s how close she comes to me. Her smile is one of definite something. Danger? Lust? Eroticism?
How can I dream this now?
Tonight?
After what’s been happening lately?
I’ve gotta be kidding me.
Is this a test?
Well, whatever it is, she leans closer and licks her lips. Her swimsuit is a bikini and it’s yellow and it shows a whole lot of her. Can you believe this? She lets one of her fingers touch my neck and she strokes her way down with it, and her fingernail is just light enough not to scratch. It’s smooth, and something tells me to make the most of it, to never let her stop. Then something else screams silently somewhere in my feet that I must tell her to stop. It rises.
She’s on me.
Breathing.
I smell her perfume and feel the soft thrill of her hair.
Her hands undress me and her mouth takes me.
I feel it.
Gathering.
Pushing.
Against me.
She falls, letting her teeth touch the skin of my throat. She kisses, long, with her tongue touching —
I jump.
“What?”
I’m standing.
“What?” she asks. Ohh …
“I can’t.” I hold her hand to tell her the truth. “I can’t. I just can
“Why not?”
Her eyes are fire-blue and I almost allow her to go on as she begins stroking my stomach and searching for the rest of me. I stop her, just in time, and I wonder how I do it.
I turn away and answer her.
“I’ve got someone real. Someone who isn’t just —”
“Just what?”
Truth: “Something I only lust for.” “Is that all I am? A thing?”
“Yes,” and I see her change. She is ghost-like, and when I reach out to touch her, my hand goes through. “See,” I explain, “look at me. A guy like me can’t really touch someone like you. It’s just the way it is.”
When she disappears completely, I understand that my reality isn’t the catalog girl or school beauty queen or anyone like that. My reality is the real girl on her left.
On the table, the swimsuit model has left her purse. I go to pick it up, but I don’t open it for fear of it blowing up in my face.
The beauty queen, I long for.
The real girl, I long to please.
Dream complete.