Stages of Grace

Depression



a state of feeling sad

-Merriam Webster





It’s settled. Ryan buys a ticket to Cleveland. My last day of work is Friday, and Ryan is flying in that evening. Jon has already moved out, taking most of our furniture with him. I was especially happy to see his armchair go, I could only see what I had lost when I looked at it. Besides, I don’t need any of it where I'm going. I do, however, keep the TV and laptop in exchange. Jon moved in with a coworker who already had a TV so he is fine with it. I buy an air mattress to sleep on once he leaves. It's strange coming home to such an empty house. I'm partly relieved. This way I will be able to turn the keys over to the complex manager without any worry Jon will do something to screw up us getting our deposit back. Jon said I can keep it.

I make multiple trips over those two weeks to Goodwill to donate things I no longer need, like winter coats and snow boots. I keep one good coat and work hard to purge other unneeded things. I’m nervous about Ryan coming and spending the night, and the fact that we will be sharing hotel rooms on the way down to Tampa. He said he has no problem sleeping on my floor that first night, but it's going to be weird.

Even after all of my purging, I’m worried not everything will fit in my car. Ryan promises that his packing skills are legendary. I hope he’s right. On my last day of work, they have a luncheon in my honor. Kim, awesome boss that she is, lets me cut out early afterward. Nikita sniffles as she walks me to my car.

"You're still coming over tomorrow morning, right?"

"Yes. I just can't believe we don’t work together anymore."

I haven’t said anything about Ryan being gorgeous. Nikita only knows a friend of my grandmother is flying up to help me with the move, but that is all. I'm looking forward to seeing Nikita’s reaction when she sees Ryan.

"I know. Feels really weird being unemployed," I grimace, still feeling a bit crazy for leaving a good job."You'll find something in no time. Besides, I saw the letter of recommendation Kim wrote for you. Any place that reads it would be crazy not to hire you."

"It really sucked saying goodbye to her."

"Is she coming by tomorrow too?"

"She can't."

"Alright. Give me a hug."

I give Nikita a hug and head home. As I cross the river, I tear up a little bit, saying goodbye to my parents. Since Kim let me leave early, I have enough time to change out of my scrubs and straighten the apartment up a bit before I have to go get Ryan. I feel silly organizing the crates and bags, wondering why I am wasting my time trying to organize a pile. Getting antsy, I leave for the airport. I’m thirty minutes early and circle the parking lot a few times, wanting to find a good spot. Ryan is in for a rude awakening weather wise. It's very cold and sleeting. I have an extra hat in my pocket for him, if he needs it.

He hadn't planned on bringing much, knowing that space in my car will be at a premium. I manage to nab a great spot near an entrance. I check my hair and makeup before getting out of the car. The gesture, at least for my hair, ends up being pointless since I put my hood up once I’m out of the car. Going to stand by the security checkpoint, I check Ryan's flight to see if it is still on time.

I lean up against a wall and fidget as I watch passengers filing out in all directions. I try to look at every face as they pass, but there are way more of them than there are of me. Ryan sees me first.

"Hullo!"

I look around, trying to place where his greeting is coming from when he's suddenly right in front of me, pulling me into a hug.

"Well, you're a sight for sore eyes."

I laugh. "Long flight?

Ryan nods, not letting me go. I swat him on the arm. "Can I take you out for a burger?"

He just nods and grins down at me. Ryan only has a small duffle bag so we head straight to my car. Before we get outside, I stop him to see if he’s brought a hat. He hasn’t and is touched when I pull out a beanie for him. Once he has it on, I have to admit it looks pretty good on him. Seeing Ryan's reaction to the cold, I hurry to my car and get the heater going.

"Grace, why does my ass feel like it’s burning?"

"Oh, sorry. I turned on the seat heaters." I reach over to switch his to low.

"Next time warn a fella."

"Will do" I laugh, trying not to think about his ass.

"So where're you taking me?"

"To Swensons. Awesome burger, but it’s a drive in. Do you want to eat there or bring the food back to my place?"

"Can we take it back to your place?"

Once we have our food, I drive home. It’s weird to think that after tomorrow I won't be able to call it that anymore. I warn him to watch his step on the way up the stairs. Ryan does fine. I slip twice. Damn stairs. Once inside, I give him a quick tour: pile of stuff, empty room, empty room, air mattress, kitchen, and bathroom. Ryan laughs at my descriptions, and after setting his bag down, goes to the bathroom. I unpack our food onto the kitchen counter, grab a roll of paper towels, and make a picnic for us in front of the TV. I am switching on the news to get the next day's weather when Ryan walks out.

He pulls off his beanie as he walks into the front room, making his hair go crazy. He looks at me in confusion as I bring my hand up to my mouth to keep from laughing. Walking over I finger comb his hair back down as he looks down at me. Whoa. I take a step back, almost knocking over my drink to put some space back between us. Ryan notices my reaction and gives me a half smile as he sits down to eat.

I turn the volume up so I can hear the weather forecast. It will be cold but clear the next day. Our goal, depending on how long it takes to get everything in my car and do the final walk through of the apartment, is to get to West Virginia, maybe even Virginia, that day. I sit, turning the volume back down.

"You like?" I ask Ryan between bites.

His mouth is full so he nods enthusiastically while I snag another onion ring.

"Does Kate have a grill?"

Ryan finishes the bite he is chewing before answering. "She does."

"We should make burgers one night."

"Great idea. Maybe we'll even get artichokes for you to put on top."

I blush, happy that he remembers. After we eat, he calls Kate to let her know he arrived safely, well best he can. He shakes his head when he hangs up the phone mumbling something about her needing a hearing aid. We watch TV until I suggest we get some sleep before the long day ahead. I bring out one of the pillows from my room and an old sleeping bag for Ryan to use.

"Are you sure you don’t want the air mattress? I feel awful making you sleep on the floor."

He shakes his head. "Don’t worry, Grace. One night won't hurt me. I'll just pretend I'm camping."

"Do you like to camp?"

"I do, but I like most outdoor activities. You?"

"It's been a while. I used to camp with my dad."

After we trade goodnights I go to bed. I take forever to fall asleep, my stomach in knots as I think about leaving everything I've ever known. I wake before my alarm, Ryan is still sleeping so I shower. Refreshed, I step out wrapped in a towel, startled to find Ryan standing at the door.

"Bah!"

"Whoa, um, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. Just, well, nature calls."

"Of course. Right. I'm sorry." I keep a tight grip on my towel as I brush past Ryan on the way to my bedroom. I notice he takes his time going into the bathroom and shutting the door for someone who has to go. I get dressed and drape my towel over the now empty rod in my closet, hoping it will be dry enough to pack in an hour or so. I pack a small bag of items that I'll need changes of clothes, most of my toiletries, and cell phone charger. This bag and Ryan's duffle will be the last items we pack. I leave my hair down to dry and unplug the stopper from the mattress so it can deflate before walking into the front room.

Ryan is looking out the window into the courtyard, stretching with his arms over his head. It makes his shirt lift up as well so I see the waistband of his briefs and some of his tanned back. As though he can sense me, Ryan turns. I flush and look at my toes, wiggling them for good measure. Locating socks had been my plan when I walked out into the front room. Finding where I packed them, I pull a thick pair to go under my boots and two pairs to go in my duffle. We both turn when there is a knock on the door.

"That'll be Nikita. I hope you like bagels."

I pull open the door, and am surprised to see it's Jon, not Nikita, who stands there.

"Jon."

"Hi, Grace." He stops when he sees Ryan in the room behind me. He looks at me and then at Ryan again before continuing. "I wanted to see you before you left."

"Did you want to come in?"

"If you're busy I can take off."

"No, not at all. Come in. Jon, this is Ryan. He's a friend of my grandmother's."

Ryan tips his head in Jon's direction and then turns to me "Should I go roll up the air mattress?"

Jon's eyes widen. What is he thinking? "Um, sure. That'd be great. Thanks."

Once Ryan leaves the room, Jon asks. "Did he sleep here?"

"Yeah. He’s driving down with me to Florida."

He looks like he is going to say something but turns and seems intent on examining the light switch.

"So how's the new place?"

"I miss you."

What? I stare at him. "But you said—"

Before he can answer, there is a loud boom at the door. I hurry to open it and find Nikita with her arms full.

"Did you kick the door?" I ask, taking the cardboard coffee carrier from her.

"No hands."

"Okay, well, thanks for coming. It is so sweet of you to help and to bring breakfast."

"No worries. I got a bunch of bagels so you all don’t have to stop for lunch if you don’t want to."

"Do I smell coffee?" Ryan walks out from my bedroom, and Nikita's mouth drops open. Jon notices her reaction and walks over to the window.

"Yep. This is Nikita. She brought coffee and bagels."

"Hi, Nikita. I'm Ryan, a friend of Grace's."

Jon stiffens when he hears Ryan say that he is my friend and not my grandmother's.

"Well, why don’t you and Nikita each grab a bagel? I’m just going to talk with Jon. Um, Jon did you want to…" I motion towards our old room.

Jon hesitates but follows me, I turn back to see Ryan watching us before I walk into the room. Jon shuts the door behind him. The room is basically empty, except for the rolled up air mattress and the bedding that had been on it. I walk over to the room's one window and lean on the sill. Jon leans against the door and looks up at the ceiling.

"It feels weird that you're leaving."

"It feels weird for me too."

"Part of me doesn’t want you to go."

Part of you? I close my eyes in an attempt to aid my mind in processing what he has just said.

"I know I told you that you should go, and I still think you should. You have family there. I'll just miss you."

I blink my eyes before a tear can escape. I want to speak but don’t trust my voice. Instead, I curl my fingers into a fist and bring my hand to rest on my mouth while I compose myself. When my eyes open, I know that Jon is watching me, waiting for me to respond."I didn’t think you cared anymore." I’m unable to keep my voice from breaking at the end.

Jon hurries over to me and pulls me into a familiar, though long absent, hug.

"I'll always care about you, Grace."

I nod my head against his chest.

"I just wanted to come tell you that." He slowly releases me, gently wiping a stray tear from my cheek.

"That means so much to me."

"So that guy?" He nods toward the door.

"Ryan?"

He looks at the floor. "Are you two?"

"What? No" I say quickly, too quickly.

Jon looks at me like there is something else he wants to say before turning toward the door. "I should go."

"You don’t have to."

"I don’t want to get in the way. Will you call me, when you get to Florida?"

I don't know what else to say. "I can do that."

I walk him to the front room, giving him one last hug before he leaves. Afterward, when I turn to face Ryan and Nikita, I notice their expressions. Ryan looks wary, like he isn’t sure what to do and Nikita looks concerned, worried Jon's visit may have upset me.

"Have you guys eaten yet?"

They both nod and I help myself to a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. Holding half of my bagel in one hand, I grab a small box and head towards my car, taking bites as I make my way down the stairs. My car keys are in my pocket so I inhale the rest of my bagel to grab them. I pop the trunk and set the box inside. Ryan and Nikita are right behind me with more boxes. We are able to fill every single spare inch of space in my trunk before moving on to the back seat. The TV goes in first, its screen facing the backseat, and boxes and bags stacked behind it. The last couple of boxes and our duffle bags prove to be somewhat of an issue.

One bag eventually ends up in the foot area of the front passenger seat, and the other rests on top of the middle console. As Nikita and Ryan do a final sweep, I walk over to the leasing office to get someone to do a final walk through. The extra leasing agent is showing an apartment so I have to wait a couple minutes before someone can help me. When I get back to the apartment, I see Nikita and Ryan trying to figure out how to fit the rolled up air mattress in the car.

"Don’t worry about it. Nikita, do you want it? If you don’t, we can just toss it."

"I don’t really need an air mattress," Nikita says, crinkling her nose.

"I could use one," the leasing agent ventures.

I think about it for a moment. "If I pass the walk through, you can have it."

"Well, let's take a look."

I follow the leasing agent through each room. I'm not worried about her finding anything wrong. It's not like Jon or I had put any holes in the walls or stained the carpet. Once the inspection is complete, and I’m given my carbon copy of no issues found form I hand the air mattress over. Then Nikita surprises me by getting teary again.

"I'm gonna miss you, Grace." Nikita pulls me into a hug.

"You'll have to come down and visit me then."

"Can we go to Disney?"

"Um, sure."

Nikita leaves not long after that, and Ryan and I hit the road. I drive the first leg, since I’m familiar with the area. We're starting later than expected, with Jon stopping by and me having to wait for a leasing agent. Where we stop that night depends on how traffic is and how many stops we make. We’re only on the road an hour before we make our first stop. I'm now regretting that cup of coffee. We go ahead and eat lunch while we’re stopped to avoid another. Ryan asks about Jon.

I look away. "Jon just wanted to say goodbye."

"He seemed upset."

"He said he would miss me."

"That was nice of him to say."

He sounded so sincere. I look at him, and he shrugs. I wonder why he seems so interested in Jon. I change the subject and ask him about his business and who's managing it while he's gone.

"I've got a couple of longtime guys that can handle everything for a couple of days."

"It's just so cool of you to do this. Seriously, thank you."

"Anytime, Grace, really."

I believe him. When we get back into the car, Ryan takes a turn driving. One thing we learn on our journey is we don't like the same music. Ryan is a fan of hard rock. Me? More pop and emo. Compromising, we alternate stations every so often. While Ryan is driving I think more about what Jon said. I'm having a hard time processing his surprise visit, and since we left, this is really my first opportunity to think about it. Am I making a mistake going to Florida?

I'd been with him for three years. It’s impossible to not feel a sense of loss at our separation. I wonder if things could have been different if I'd stayed. I have a habit of obsessing over what ifs. The more I think about it, the more depressed I become. I'm so distracted I don’t realize Ryan has been talking to me.

"Grace?"

"Huh?" I glance at him.

"I just asked if you thought we should stop at the next rest area. A sign we passed said it would be the last one for some time."

"Uh, sorry. Sure, I guess that would be a good idea. It would be nice to stretch my legs."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just zoned off there for a bit. Sorry."

"No need to apologize" he says, reassuring me.

Ryan moves over to the right hand lane in preparation for the upcoming turn off. I stare out the window, seeing Ryan's glances from the corner of my eye. I keep my head forward, and he frowns. I decide to stop thinking about Jon. It’s clear it's affecting my mood and that he can sense it. Plastering a somewhat false smile to my face, I tell him after our stop we should play the license plate game. Ryan has never heard of it so while he takes the exit and parks I explain the rules to him.

"I have to warn you I'm very good at this game," I say competitively.

"At least there's no punching in this game, and maybe I'll have beginner’s luck."

"Doubtful" I beam.

His mouth drops, and I laugh as I head to the ladies’ restroom. When we meet back at the car, he asks if I want a snack or drink before we leave.

"Nah. Traffic isn’t bad so let's try and see if we can make it to Virginia before dinner."

"You just want to start your game."

"Maybe."

"Cheeky thing, aren’t you?" He grins.

I stick my tongue out at him and get into the car, then grab a sheet of paper from my purse and make a column for each of us. Ryan tries to call out cars from the parking lot, but I tell him to focus on getting out without hitting anyone and we will start once we are back on the freeway. By West Virginia, I have a substantial lead, and he glances over often at the sheet and shakes his head.

"I will now call you eagle eye. Really. Do you see better than 20 /20?"

"Hmm, I'm not sure. It's been a long time since I've seen an eye doctor."

"But you work in a doctor’s office. Don’t they do eye exams?"

"I'm sure I have a short one during my annual check ups, but I don’t remember anyone ever making a big deal about my vision so I think your eagle eye theory is lacking, buddy."

"I'm only saying this because I used to always have vision problems. Last year, I finally got Lasik. Life changing."

"How so?"

"I had to find my glasses to see the alarm clock right next to my bed."

My mouth drops. "Yikes. That’s bad. I can't picture you with glasses."

"I wore contacts a lot. Hated them."

"I've heard they can be irritating." I think about Jon and how he used to complain about his.

"If you want to see a picture of me with glasses, you can look in my wallet" his wallet is sitting in one of the drink holders.

"I'm not going to look through—NEVADA!—your wallet."

"Shit, another one. Grace, seriously. It’s sitting right there. Besides, if you're distracted, I may catch up in this infuriating game."

"You've got two chances, slim and none. And we overtook slim a while back."

Ryan rolls his eyes but laughs and I grin as I reach for his wallet. It’s a worn, brown leather tri-fold. Flipping it open, I can only see the top of his license and pull it out. Ryan looks younger with his glasses. They are small, wire-rimmed ones and make him look very studious.

"You looked so cute" I giggle.

"Looked? I'm not cute anymore?"

I copy Ryan's eye roll from a moment ago, trying not to blush and put his license back into his wallet. "Yes, you are still very cute."

"You think I'm cute?"

"Vermont!"

"You didn’t answer my question."

"Not going to either."

"Aw, you're no fun."

"Yep, that's me. No fun at all." I blush, realizing I'm flirting with him. Guilt coils in my stomach as I think of Jon.

We make it to Virginia before dinner. Pulling off the highway in a small town, we pick up some fast food and check into a motel room. It’s a surprise to the clerk when I ask for two double beds.

The clerk, who is an older woman, takes a second look at Ryan. "You sure?"

"Yes, thank you." I grumble, handing over my credit card as Ryan tries unsuccessfully not to laugh. He manages to keep it to a chuckle, which I appreciate. We walk out to the car and park it as close to our room as possible. I feel uncomfortable having all of my earthly possessions sitting in it while in an unfamiliar place. I beep the alarm three times before leaving it. The room in general isn’t bad, just seems outdated. It appears to be clean, though, and that is all I care about. Ryan is adamant about having the bed closer to the door.

He makes such a big deal about it, I ask why.

"Well, to protect you should something happen."

It takes me a moment to respond. It feels like I have never known someone to be selfless. "You don’t have to protect me."

"I know that."

"It's nice that you want to. Thank you."

Ryan furrows his brows and looks at me before calling Kate to let her know we were stopping for the night. I set my bag on the other bed and then sit at the small table to eat my burger. It’s weird. I slept in the same apartment as him last night, but now we'll be sleeping in the same room, it feels more…personal. He'll be able to see me while I'm asleep. What if I snore? And the room in general isn’t very big…What if I got gas? I cringe at the thought. I'm attracted to Ryan. The very fact that I am acknowledging that makes me feel guilty, like I have not properly dealt with my break up with Jon. Thinking of Jon and what he said confuses me.

If he'd only shown some semblance of affection towards me since my return from Florida, I would have never considered leaving. I loved him for three years. It's hard to turn off those reflexive emotions to him. The last year had been difficult, but when you care about someone it takes more than just a rough patch to give up. For me, it had been him telling me I should go. How could I stay and try to work things out if he wouldn’t? But after this morning…

Ryan switches on the TV and begins flipping through the channels. He stops and looks to me for input. I’m not much help. I'm worn out, both physically and mentally. My plan after finishing my dinner is to get ready for bed. I'm sure the noise of the TV won't disturb me so I tell Ryan to pick whatever he likes. He looks bummed that I’m tired but doesn’t say anything about it directly. He seems to be ignoring how tired he is himself, yawning frequently. I change into PJs in the bathroom and brush my teeth. I gaze enviously at the somewhat deep tub. The tub is a surprise given the age of the motel.

I wish I could take a bath and soak, but one of two things stops me. One: it would be weird to be naked one room over from him, and/or two, I am so tired I would probably fall asleep in it. I go back into the main room and get into bed. I turn so my back is to Ryan and don’t even remember falling asleep. The next morning, I wake up to the sound of the shower going. I look at the alarm clock and am shocked to see it's already after eight. I have slept soundly for almost twelve hours. I've also not gone to the bathroom in all that time, and the sound of the shower is not helping.

I try to block the splashing sound of the shower out of my mind. At one point, I contemplate just going in there, but luckily, I hear the shower switch off. I climb out of bed and walk-dance to the door of the bathroom. I can hear Ryan on the other side, moving around. What is he doing? Giving up, I knock on the door.

"Yeah?"

"I, um, really have to, you know."

"Oh, right. Sorry."

He opens the door and moves past me. It is hard to not stop and stare at him, damp, towel wrapped around his waist. I have little choice, though, and dash inside. When I'm done, I notice he has laid out his clothes for the day on the sink counter, meaning he is probably waiting, by the door, in a towel. I hurry out, thanking him. He's standing in the center of the room, between the beds, remote in hand. He turns and smiles, telling me it's no bother. I try not to stare, I do, but he's right there. In a towel. He stops when he finds a news channel and goes back to the bathroom to get dressed.

I retrieve my outfit for the day from my duffle, and once he comes back out of the bathroom, go to take my shower. The motel has crappy water pressure. Considering how weak the stream is, I'm amazed I heard Ryan's shower at all. Because of it, I take a longer than normal shower, just in the hopes of rinsing all of my conditioner from my hair. After showering, I dress in a pair of slouchy jeans and a baseball-styled, long-sleeved t-shirt. I put moisturizer on my face and skip makeup, but since it's cold out, I use the dryer attached to the wall to blow dry my hair. Not sure what our breakfast plans are, I go ahead and brush my teeth before going back out into the room. Ryan is staring intently at his phone with a print out of our map next to him.

"Everything okay?"

"Looking for a detour. There was a pileup on the road we should be taking. They showed a picture of it on the news. Trailer truck spilled its load. Looks like it will be a mess to clean up. I think it'd be best to avoid it all together."

"Good thing you watched the news. Are there any good alternate routes?"

"I found a couple that look promising. Just trying to figure out which is best."

"I'll leave that to you, I'm directionally challenged."

He looks up at me and raises a brow "Not the person to trust the compass with then?"

"Nope. The compass will cease being operational in my hands."

He shakes his head. "You can't be that bad."

"Maybe. I haven’t really ventured outside of my normal routine in so long. But enough talk about that. What do you want to do for breakfast?"

"I saw a pancake place on the way in. Sound good?"

"Works for me."

I gather my things and double-check the bathroom before following Ryan out to the car. He's driving since he knows where we're going, I wait for him in the car while he goes to check out. At the restaurant, I order an omelet and Ryan a breakfast steak meal. When our food comes out, we both do a double take at the size of Ryan's plate. The amount of food on it can easily feed four people. He does his best but is about halfway when he gives up. Ryan pays for the meal since I paid for the motel room.

We're back on the road not long after. Ryan's alternate route takes us thirty minutes out of the way. Given the accident still has the other road blocked, it was a smart move. Even though I had slept so long the night before, the car and the uncongested highway lull me back to sleep. I jump when Ryan shakes my shoulder. Looking around, blinking rapidly, I realize we're at a rest stop.

"Thought it would be a good time for a stop. Sorry to wake you, but I wanted to see if you'd like to get out and stretch your legs"

"Oh, how long was I out?"

"About three hours."

"Really? I don’t get why I'm so tired."

"I've heard moving can be emotionally draining."

"That must be it."

"Did you want to get out?"

"Yes, thanks"

I unfold myself from the passenger seat. It feels wonderful to stretch. I slowly walk around to the back of the car and lean on the trunk, looking about. The rest stop is on the small side. It has a gas station with a built in deli and a bank of vending machines near the bathrooms. There is a grassy area with a couple of picnic benches for people to sit and eat at. It’s almost lunch time. I wonder if Ryan's hungry. He’s gone to the restroom. It’s probably a smart idea that I do the same. When I get back to the car, he is there, waiting for me.

"Should we eat lunch?" I ask.

"Sure. I’m not really hungry, though. Big breakfast."

I laugh, remembering our faces when his plate came out.

"We could always buy sandwiches now and eat them later."

We walk over to the deli to see what they offer. Ryan, again, refuses to let me pay. I don’t mind, I won’t have a source of income when I get to Florida. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. It’s hard not to second-guess my choices. I'm leaving so much behind: a good job that I loved and Jon. I don’t know what to think about Jon. When it comes to him, I just feel unsettled. It had been my goal for so long to make our relationship work. It feels like I've given up, but had he given up first?

When we get back to the car with our sandwiches, I take over driving. It feels good to have something to do, and Ryan makes a good navigator. I feel somewhat guilty for sleeping instead of helping when he drove.

"If you're tired, feel free to take a nap."

"I'm not tired."

"Well, if you get tired."

"Alright. Hey, Texas! We haven't seen that one yet, have we?" Ryan searches for it on our list.

I'm still winning, but it makes me smile that Ryan hasn't given up yet. While we drive, I ask him about New Zealand. It seems like another world. It's weird thinking it's summer there Ryan tells me The Lord of the Rings movies were filmed there, and fans still visit to see locations from the films. He grew up playing soccer, or football as they called it, and rugby. He was the bane of existence to his older sisters, always messing up their plans. He tells me the funniest story about one of his older sisters having a big party, and he was home and allowed to attend. Well, all of her friends thought it would be hysterical to get him drunk, He had been maybe eleven at the time.

He drank everything they gave him, including at one point, something red. It may have been a daiquiri, but it did not agree with him, and he got sick. He had never been sick like that before, and his vomit was red. He was still so drunk he thought he was throwing up blood. He wasn’t but it did not stop him from going to each and every member of the party to say goodbye. You see, he was saying goodbye because he was certain that he was dying.

"I actually remember feeling quite calm about dying. God, I was such a prat. I felt like a right idiot the next morning when I figured out I was still alive. Many of her friends had spent the night. I avoided them all, I was so embarrassed. She is still mates with some of those kids. My sister and her mates still take the piss, sorry still tease me about it."

"I wish I had brothers or sisters."

"I didn’t growing up. They were such a pain, and God, when they were teenagers I thought they were mad. Now that I'm older, I get how lucky I was to have them. They used to beat the crap out of me, and I deserved it but they were my fiercest protectors if anyone else said a foul word towards me."

"You're lucky to have that."

"I am. I know it."

Ryan asks me if I have any embarrassing tales from my childhood. I tell him about my dad and what an outdoorsman he was.

"He loved camping and hiking, fishing, really almost anything outdoorsy. He also loved owls. I always tried to please him, and one morning when I was playing in a park near our home, I saw what I thought was an owl. It was really a large hawk, but I was little and couldn’t tell the difference. I wasn’t sure why but the hawk landed not far from me and looked at me. I became convinced I would be able to get it to follow me home and give it to my father as a gift. Using a, ‘here, birdy birdy’ I tried unsuccessfully to get it to follow me. A neighbor saw me near the bird and came and shooed it away. He then yelled at me, saying how unsafe it was for me to be near that kind of bird. I was devastated. Not only had I learned it wasn't an owl, but he'd made me feel silly. I remember going home in tears at my failure."

"That's a lovely story, Grace. I can tell how much you cared for your dad."

I nod, keeping my eyes on the road. If I look at him right now I'm pretty sure I'll cry. I feel overwhelmed by sadness in leaving my home. It’s where I had grown up. Where my parents had died. I think to that day, the day I stood on the banks of the Cuyahoga and watched their ashes sink into the river. It feels like I am abandoning them somehow. I don’t speak much after that. We fly through the Carolina's but get snarled up in Georgia. We finally reach an exit on the far side of the city and call it a day. There had been some small hope of reaching Tampa that night, but we're tired and decide to make a fresh start of it the next morning. I don’t mind the delay. It only means another day before accepting I do not live in Cleveland anymore. We find a hotel and get checked in, again with two double beds. This place is much nicer and more updated than the motel we had stayed in the night before. I pass the bed closer to the door and set my bag on the one further away.

"Room service?"

"That sounds wonderful. I don't want to get back in the car anytime soon," I reply.

"My treat."

I smile at him and shake my head. He had tried to pay for the room this time, but I refused. It didn’t feel right. He already paid for his plane ticket and didn't let me pay him back. I won't let him pay for either of the rooms. We take our time looking at the menu. I end up ordering pancakes, which makes Ryan laugh. I like breakfast foods, and the only other thing that sounds appealing to me is a hamburger, and we've already had that two nights in a row. Ryan orders a chicken dish and dessert for both of us.

I don't feel the same sense of overwhelming exhaustion I felt the day before. Today, home feels so far away. I still wonder if I live somewhere else, will it still be my home? I had not realized how hard this would be. I thought I wasn’t leaving anything behind. Now I understood better how that had been wrong. I'm confused about Ryan. I wonder if he likes me. I guess I know he likes me, but wonder if he likes me likes me. There had been that night at Kate's when I thought he might kiss me. Do I even want him to like me like that?

He’s nice, and I’m attracted to him, but I'm just so unsure about everything. Most of all, I'm sad and am not even sure why. It's like there are so many things in my mind that it’s overflowing: leaving, missing my parents, feeling like I failed with Jon, being unemployed, not knowing what I have gotten myself into. Each concern washes over me in a seemingly endless loop, some of them lasting longer than others. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. It’s a lot to deal with all by myself. The idea of talking to Ryan about it is embarrassing, but I don’t know what else to do.

He seems to pick up on it, and while we wait for our food, say, "Grace, you seem a bit down. Everything okay?"

I sit on the edge of my bed "I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel overwhelmed."

He pulls a chair over and sits in front of me "I can understand how leaving home feels."

"Do you ever get homesick?" I ask, looking down at my hands.

"Sure."

"But you still have family there and a reason to go back" I argue.

He reaches out and puts his hand on mine "Grace, you never need a reason to go back. If you're ever homesick, you can go back and visit any time."

I look up at him "I'm just scared it wouldn’t feel like home anymore."

"After some time it probably won't. Things will change, and if you aren’t there to see it happen, it will feel strange and different. The first time I went home was after a new shopping center had gone up. I wasn't ready for how different it seemed."

"What did you do?"

"Try and stay busy in the beginning. Too much free time lets you over think things."

"I don’t even have a job yet."

He hesitates. "Would you like to work with me?"

"You don’t have to do that" I say, shaking my head.

"Seriously."

My mouth drops "But I know nothing about boats or the water."

"I can teach you" he replies, tilting his head to the side.

"I just—I don’t know."

"Come on. It'd be fun" he's smiling now.

His hand is still on mine. He moves it when I look down at it "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"You can fire me if I'm awful."

"Grace, don’t be silly." he stands and hesitates before pushing the chair back.

I smile, I have a job. I don't give care how much it pays. The idea he would hire me at all…My head turns when I hear the knock at the door. Our food has arrived. I feel a little better. Talking about it had helped. Pancakes too. After we eat, I call Kate let her know we're staying in Georgia for the night because of traffic. Kate is so excited I’m coming she is fine with waiting another day. At this point, we're only five hours away, depending on traffic. We will get there just after lunchtime tomorrow.

Ryan and I stay up talking that night, each in our beds. Ryan doesn’t wear a shirt when he goes to bed, just pajama bottoms that hang low on his hips. It feels strange, lying down, turned on my side, talking to him. I have to remind myself not to stare at him. It’s hard not to, though. He's turned on his side, head propped up on his hand. He's excited about me coming to work with him. He says we can carpool, and he can teach me everything he knows.

His enthusiasm is infectious, temporarily banishing my gloomy mood. I have to believe I can do this. It’s too far to turn back now.

"Grace?"

"Huh?" I squint at him.

"Did you fall asleep?"

"I'm just resting my eyes" I mumble.

"Mm hmm."

"I was." I yawn loudly. "Just a little."

"Alright, Grace. Sweet dreams."

"I'm up. I am," and I’m asleep.

The next morning, I wake up first. I turn to watch Ryan as he sleeps. He's on his stomach with a pillow under one of his arms and head. His hair is in his eyes, and I have the sudden urge to brush it to the side. Recognizing how absolutely creepy that would be, I get up to shower instead. Once I’m dressed I open the bathroom door to let some steam out. I’m brushing my hair when Ryan pops his head in the door, making me jump.

"Didn’t mean to startle you. Just wanted to know if the john was free."

"Of course. Here, let me get out of your way."

At the doorway, we both move in the same direction. First left, then right, until I am able to squeeze past him. I feel warm from being so close to him in all of his shirtless glory. I tell myself to slow down when it comes to Ryan. Sure, he flirted with me when I was in Florida. I can still imagine his forehead against my own after our dance. However, since then, he has been nothing but friendly, and now if I'm going to be working with him, it would not be wise to be lusting after him. Most of all, my attraction to him makes me feel guilty. My relationship with Jon, while troubled, has only just ended. What kind of person does it make me to forget those feelings so quickly?

"I'm sorry, what?"

Oh my God, I had been thinking out loud. I clap my hand over my mouth, eyes wide. What had he heard? My reaction seems to confuse him. He cocks his head at me.

I lower my hand. "I hadn't realized I was talking out loud."

"No worries, Grace. I heard you, but I didn’t hear what you were saying."

Thank God! "Whew. I was just thinking."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Um, the move" I lie.

His forehead creases. "Okay."

I can tell he doesn’t believe me but am grateful that he doesn’t press the issue. How embarrassing. Once Ryan is dressed, we head to the lobby together. This hotel has a complimentary breakfast so we won’t have to worry about stopping on the way out. It’s strange to think I’ll be arriving at my new home today. I’m looking forward to seeing Kate and sleeping in that bed again but, I still can't shake off the melancholy.

Ryan drives first, we are maybe five hours from Tampa, and we'll stop halfway for a bite and to refuel. I'll drive the last leg. I want to learn my way around, and Ryan promises to point out important landmarks.

"Do you think you'll apply at any doctors’ offices?"

"Probably. It’s all I really know how to do."

"Well, you don’t have to rush. You can work with me as long as you'd like."

"I don’t want to become a pain."

"You?" He seems shocked. "Impossible."

"That is sweet of you to say."

"I am sweet. UTAH!"

I laugh and shake my head at him. Yes, he is very sweet. When it’s my turn for the final leg of the trip, the increase of congestion on the road surprises me. What's the big deal on a Monday afternoon? I try to remember if it had been like this when I went with Kate to see the mermaids. One welcome change is the temperature. It must be eighty degrees. I shrug off my green cardigan at a red light.

"Is it always this beautiful?"

"We do get quite a bit of rain, which you have so far missed, but otherwise, yes. It is this beautiful most of the time."

"I might even get a tan."

"That'd be a shame."

I glance at him, one eyebrow raised in a silent question.

He shrugs and looks straight ahead. "You have lovely skin."

I don’t say anything. Part of me wants to argue his compliment, to say, ‘but my skin is so pasty.’ Instead, I allow myself to accept his compliment and maybe even believe it, making a mental note to buy sunscreen. When we are less than an hour away, I start to recognize places from my trip before. Little things, a road sign, a shopping center, a school. Ryan laughs each time I shout, pointing out something I think I've seen before.

When we pull into Kate's driveway, I turn excitedly to Ryan and say, "I live here now."

"That you do. Come on. Let's go find Kate."

When we get to the front door, I pause to let Ryan open it, until he reminds me that this is my house now.

"Oh right," I say, pushing open the door. "Kate," I call out. "We're here."

Kate slowly makes her way from the kitchen to greet us, pulling us both into a hug. She raises her hands to my face, placing one on each cheek and kissing me, then does the same with Ryan. After that, we begin unloading my car. Most of the boxes go straight into my new room. The ones that do not fit go in the spare room with the daybed. When Ryan carries my TV in, I can't decide where to put it. After talking with Kate, we decide to switch it out with the smaller TV in her living room. I don't have a cable jack in my new room so Ryan sets the old living room TV in the room with the daybed.

Kate sits in the corner chair and Ryan on my bed while I unpack my clothes. I'm almost surprised to see how much I have since I haven't done much shopping in the last year. Once I have the dresser filled, I confess I need a break.

"Pool?" Ryan asks.

"That sounds wonderful" I admit.

"I might even get in myself," Kate adds.

Kate and Ryan leave so we can all change. I'm the first one in the pool, Kate not long after. Ryan takes longer than I expect. When he finally walks over, he apologizes for the delay. There was a work call he had to take.

"Everything alright?" Kate moves over on the pool step to give him room to pass.

"Nothing big, just a technical issue with the credit card reader, but it's all sorted now."

"This feels so good." I had grabbed a float and am lying on my stomach. "I might just fall asleep."

"Like last night?"

"What happened last night?" Kate asks, looking at Ryan.

"Grace passed out, mid chat."

"I was tired. Moving is tiring" I try to explain.

"It was a first for me, I have to admit." He mock hangs his head in shame. "I didn't know I was so boring."

"You are not boring." I lift my head to look at him.

"Stop teasing her, Ryan." Kate flicks her hand at him, then turns to slowly get out of the pool.

"Need a hand, Kate?"

"I've got it, dear. Why don’t you get a raft like Grace?"

"Brilliant idea," Ryan says, swimming towards me.

"She didn’t mean mine," I say, paddling with my arms away from him. "Go get your own."

He swims right up beside me, hands resting on the raft. "But I like this one."

"Don’t you dare!"

He moves as though he is going to flip me but stops. "I wouldn’t dream of ruining such a pretty view."

I blush and put my head down. He is such a flirt.

"So when did you want to start work?"

I lift my head. Tomorrow feels too soon. I want to get a bit more settled before I do anything. "Would the day after tomorrow be okay?"

"Why don’t you take the rest of the week and start on Monday?"

"That'd be perfect."

Kate had gone to get her knitting from inside the house and was now sitting on her wicker loveseat, working away. I watch as her hands move swiftly with the needles.

"What are you making now, Kate?"

"A little sweater." She proudly holds it up.

"That is so cute."

"I could teach you."

"To make that?"

"We'd probably start with something easy, like a scarf or a baby blanket."

"I'd like that."

"Do you want to learn too, Ryan?"

Ryan had grabbed another float and is jumping on it. Once he is comfortable he says, "Nope, I'm good."

"Not manly enough for you?"

"Too manly, actually. I'm terrified of it," he jokes.

"Silly boy." Kate is shaking her head.

Ryan just grins at us, making us laugh. Not long after, I help Kate get dinner started. We’re having salmon and rice with steamed edamame. I’m not sure about knitting but know I want to learn how to cook while living with Kate. Ryan walks in and out a few times, getting plates and silverware to set the table.

"White wine?" Kate asks, winking at me.

"I'll have a beer for myself and open a bottle for the two of you."

"He hates white wine." Kate thinks this is funny for some reason.

We eat on the lanai, and Ryan does not stay long after, wanting to make an early start the next day. I clear the table and load the washer before turning in myself. I have to move some things from the bed to the floor to get in but am asleep in no time. Sometime during the night, I wake up and cannot fall back asleep. My mind is in overdrive, trying to identify unknown sounds of the house and outside my window. A noise may wake me, but the thoughts I cannot quell are what unsettle me. My mind is a loop of destructive thoughts, on an endless replay.

Is this a mistake? Does Jon still love me? Shit! I sit up with a start. I was supposed to call Jon when I got to Florida but forgot. My cell phone is on the charger next to me. Jon had gotten a new phone before I left, but I'm waiting to change mine, still not sure if I want to keep my old number or get a new Florida number. I punch out a quick text to him, hopeful his ringer is off and that it won't wake him. -Made it to Florida, am at my grandmother's. Sorry for the late text. Hope you are doing well. I flop back onto my pillows, feeling guilty for sending that text so late. Part of me hopes his ringer isn’t off and that he will text me back.

What is wrong with me, I wonder. It is pointless to be concerned with Jon now that I am so far away. Does he really miss me? Will he want me to come back? I think back to the first time I ever saw him, that night at the bowling alley. It had seemed almost magical at the time and is still so vivid in my memory. Everything about him, all of our firsts held prime reality in my conscious thoughts. I missed him, I missed home and my parents. I turned on my side, cradling my phone, still hopeful for a return text from Jon. I pull my knees up to my chest feeling more overwhelmed with each passing moment.

My mind will not rest. I am so focused on all of the wonderful moments with Jon and this overpowering sense of loss. I picture everything that won't happen now because I've left. No wedding, no first home, no family of my own. Tears flow freely as I imagine myself and Jon holding the baby we will never have. Sleep is no longer an option as I watch a light from behind the curtain grow brighter to announce the arrival of the sun. I slowly make my way to the bathroom to wash my face.

Back in my room, I check my phone one last time before going in search of food. No response. Kate is by the pool eating breakfast. I pour myself a cup of coffee and make some toast before joining her. She asks how I slept. I know the dark circles under my eyes probably answer the question for her, but downplay it and say I slept fine. I can tell she isn’t buying it but am relieved that she doesn’t push the subject. We discuss our plans for the day. Kate is to play tour guide as I get my car registered.

I plan to call my insurance company first to file the change of address. I make that call not long after breakfast but before I shower. My insurance is almost doubling. That job Ryan offered me is looking more like a life preserver now. I shower and dress simply in loose capri cargo-style pants and a long-sleeved, striped t-shirt. Kate is in the kitchen pulling out some meat from the freezer to thaw.

"All set, Grace?"

"Yes. I mean, if now is a good time."

"Of course. Let’s go."

After my car is registered and its emissions tested, we make our way back to Kate's house. On the way back, Kate asks me what I think of Ryan.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you fancy him?"

"I'm not sure what you mean. I like him. He's a really nice guy."

"Would you ever like to be more than friends with him?"

"Kate, are you trying to set me up?"

"So what if I am? Ryan is such a sweet boy. You could do worse."

"I'm just not sure if I'm ready for anything like that. Besides, it would be weird working for him." I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself. "And most important, who knows if he likes me?"

"I think he does" she says with a sly grin.

"Well, has he said anything?"

"Not directly, no—" I frown.

"Well, there you go. No point in even thinking about it."

"But he's so handsome."

"Then you date him" I tease.

She laughs. "If I was fifty years younger, I would. Hell, if I was thirty years younger, I'd at least think about it."

I laugh and shake my head. As attractive and sweet as Ryan is, there is no way of knowing if he is interested, and most importantly, if I can even handle it. The smartest thing I can do for myself is to get settled before I even think about anything like that. No point in worrying about Ryan when I’m losing sleep over Jon. I check my phone again when we get back to Kate's. No message. Pleading exhaustion, I take a nap. When I wake up, Kate is by the pool knitting. I missed lunch.

When Kate sees me, she says, "There's a plate for you in the microwave."

I'm already enjoying living with such a good cook. I reheat my lunch and bring it out to eat. Kate's knitting group is meeting the next day so she's working on finishing another prayer shawl.

Kate senses my interest in what she is doing. "Would you like to learn?"

"Sure, if it wouldn't be any trouble."

She sets her work on her lap and reaches into the basket beside her for a skein of pale yellow yarn and two thick metal needles.

"Why are these needles so much bigger than the ones you are using right now?" I ask when she hands them to me.

"I think it's easy to learn on bigger needles and the work will go faster as well. It's nice when you are first starting out to see progress."

Kate pulls maybe half an arm length of yarn loose from the skein and shows me how to make the first knot on the needle with the excess yarn hanging down. She then loops the excess yarn with the yarn from the skein to create more loops on the needle. "This is called casting. Every knitting project starts like this. It just depends on what you are making as to how many stitches you need. This scarf will need less than the shawl I'm making."

Kate hands the one needle with the loops to me. "Try adding a couple more stitches."

I add three, and Kate seems pleased. She takes the needle back and shows me how to put the point of the other needle into the loop closest to the narrow end of the needle. Once both points are in, that first loop Kate pulls from the skein to add another loop, pulling it through the first loop. I watch her work that first row. The stitches move from the first needle to the second needle with each new loop.

"When you finish each row, you just turn the needle and start over." Kate passes the needles to me and watches as I slowly make new stitches. When Kate knits, she barely looks at her hands. Me, I have to concentrate on making each new loop.

"Why are they getting so small? It's hard to even put my needle in the loop," I ask.

Kate leans over to look at my needles "Oh, you're working too close to the point. Make sure to put the needle further through to keep it from getting so snug. If you only work the point of the needle, the loops will be too small to push further onto the needle." To illustrate this, Kate holds up her shawl and slowly knits a couple of stitches.

I watch and try to duplicate Kate's movements, although not at her speed. I work to make my loops further down the needle and continue row by row. When I'm ten rows up, I count my stitches and see I now have twenty-seven, not twenty-five. When I show Kate, my mouth drops as Kate begins unraveling all of the work I have just done. I had added two stitches somewhere along the way, and Kate tells me to count each stitch to ensure I won't do it again. But all that work? I take my scarf back and now count each stitch. I am concentrating so intently I don't hear Ryan walk in.

"And what are you making, Grace?"

I jump.

"I didn’t mean to startle you. You scare easy, or I'm truly a ninja"

I laugh "I'm sorry. A ninja? Really? I just—never mind. I'm making a scarf," I say proudly, holding up my knitting.

Ryan touches the ribbing delicately. "It's lovely, Grace."

I flush. "I have an excellent teacher."

"Yeah, Kate's brilliant. Did you know she made me a sweater?"

"I did not." I turn to look at Kate.

Now it’s Kate's turn to blush. "It was nothing."

"I'll hear none of that. It's my favorite one."

I look down and smile, adding row after row to my scarf. I have little to add to Kate and Ryan's conversation. It's hard to talk to someone while looking down the whole time and counting in my head. They don’t seem to mind. Hopefully Kate can tell I'm enjoying my work. I eventually set it aside to help her with dinner while Ryan sets the small table by the pool. This time, I’m a more active participant during our meal.

"How was work?"

"Good. Not very busy," he gestures to the sky. It's somewhat overcast.

The sky is dark gray with heavy clouds that threaten rain. "Did it rain?"

"Not here. Closer to work, yes."

My first day without sun in Florida. It certainly fits my mood. I clear the table then go back to my scarf. There is something in the repetitive needle, loop, pull, count that soothes me. Kate and Ryan stay at the table, chatting over wine and occasionally looking over at me. Before long, the scarf is the length of my arm. I stop and proudly hold it up to show them. Kate comes over to sit by me to inspect it. I hold my breath, fearing she will unravel it again. Instead, she calls me a natural and hands it back to me.

Ryan excuses himself not long after, and we go inside. I stay up, working on my scarf. There is something thrilling in taking loose string and making something tangible with it. I can wear this, maybe not often in Florida, but still. I am making something I can actually wear. After getting up to go to the bathroom, I’m surprised to see how late it is. Setting my project aside, I go to sleep. I had not known how tiring knitting could be. That, with the late hour, gives me little trouble sleeping.

The scent of coffee wakes me the next morning. I look out the window. It's still gloomy, but I can see a hint of sun trying to break through. I wash up before heading into the kitchen. After pouring myself a cup of coffee, I join Kate by the pool. Kate had made a plate of fruit and cheese with a loaf of pear bread on the side. There is plenty for the both of us. I thank Kate when she hands me a smaller plate.

"Did you stay up knitting?"

"I did. My scarf is almost twice as long now. I meant to ask you yesterday. How will I know when to stop?"

"If I make a scarf for myself, I try to make it long enough to loop around my neck a couple times. You can test it out using what you have so far."

"Thanks. I will."

"Grace, would you like to come with me to my knitting group today?"

"Sure! Is that okay?"

"Why wouldn’t it be?"

"I don’t go to church."

"That's fine. You don’t have to go to church, but if you ever want to, just let me know."

"Alright. I'd love to go with you today."

"Great." Kate gets up quickly, and I look at her in confusion. "I'm just going to call my friend to let her know I don’t need a ride."

I nod and finish my breakfast. After taking a shower and getting dressed, I pick up my knitting and sit in the living room while Kate gets ready. I try to wrap my knitting around my neck and can get it to go around almost twice but very tightly and with no excess. I get back to work, still counting each stitch. There is one row where I almost add an extra stitch, but I catch myself as I do and stop. The existing stitches that I'm knitting into sometimes fray and look like more than one stitch. That's what I have to watch for.

When Kate comes out, she seems surprised by how far I am on my scarf. "Did you stay up all night?"

"Not all night," I confess.

We take my car, and Kate directs me to her church. It's a large, white Spanish-style Catholic church.

"This is beautiful," I say as we walk in, taking in the stained glass windows.

"Thank you. Those windows are newer. We had to have them replaced after a hurricane five years ago."

We enter through a side door and go down a hallway past some bathrooms to a small room with a table and chairs. There are already a few women there either sitting, already knitting, or gathered by a second smaller table that has some cookies and coffee set out. Kate introduces everyone who is there to me. I'm surprised by how excited they all are to meet me. It’s clear she has been speaking of me frequently during their weekly meetings. She directs me to one end of the table and gets settled while I snag a plate with some cookies. As more ladies flow in, they all come over to Kate to meet me. It’s cool to see how proud she is to show me off to all of her friends.

Kate had finished her shawl last night, and it goes with maybe five other completed projects to be used for the parishioners. The group makes mostly shawls for people in their church who are either struggling with an illness themselves or of a family member and for family members who may have recently lost someone. Once a month, their priest will come and pray over the completed shawls. They're supposed to represent an embrace of God's love. I wasn't raised in any structured religion but feel I could have been comforted in having something like that after losing my parents so suddenly.

Making my scarf is fun, but the idea of giving someone comfort during a difficult time is speaking to me, it feels like something I have to do. I want to make one as soon as I can. I'm not able to do much knitting during the meeting. All of the ladies want to hear about me and the move. I do my best to answer their questions, even when they start asking me about my nonexistent love life. My thoughts drift to this morning where I had again checked my phone for a message from Jon. Part of me thinks I'll never get one and that I should move on. It's just easier for me to hold out hope.

I have to laugh when they start asking me about Ryan. He appears to have a following amongst the knitting ladies. I bite back a smile as Kate explains he had given her a ride here a couple of times, and one time, walked her in carrying something. He made something of an impact on the ladies who were there. They want to know anything I know about him and just about swoon when I tell them he offered me a job on our drive from Cleveland. At this point, Kate adds that he took me out dancing when I was here the last time, making me blush.

The meeting is over before long, and I say goodbye to all of my grandmother's friends. I make grilled cheese sandwiches when we get back to the house. After lunch, Kate lays down while I work on my scarf. I stop when I get close to the end of the skein, not sure what to do and wondering if Kate has any more yellow yarn because the scarf still isn’t long enough. I log onto my laptop and begin a job search for medical receptionists. It's great that Ryan will hire me in the mean time, but that doesn’t seem like something I'll be able to do forever.

There are plenty of doctor's offices, but few are hiring. I email my resume and the referral letter to a couple of places and then log off. Walking over to the window, I see the sun has made its appearance and decide to go for a swim. I had little use for my one suit in Cleveland. Now that I live in Florida, I may need to invest in a few more. I'm still in the pool when Ryan comes over. He takes off his shirt and joins me. I tease him about all the ladies from the knitting group. He loves it. Kate comes out not long after and starts knitting.

Kate has a lasagna in the oven for dinner that night. While she knits, I ask her if she has any more yellow yarn, and if she does, how to connect it to the yarn I'm already working with. I get out of the water to go inside and get my scarf. I sit next to Kate as she walks me through it. Leaving a bit of excess, she just makes the next loop with the new yarn and continues to the end of the row.

"But what do we do now with the pieces hanging out?"

"If you weave them through going back a little, you will never see them." Kate pulls one of the strings back and forth through the row that has just been completed until I cannot see it anymore. "Now, when you are using smaller needles, you probably need to do that with a crochet hook and not your fingers."

When she passes the needles back to me I grin, eager to knit some more.

"Kate, you’ve created a monster."

I look up like WHAT? Kate just laughs and pats me on the shoulder. I'm still damp, so I move to sit in a plastic armchair instead of the loveseat. I finish a few more rows and then go back inside to cook some broccoli to go with our meal after changing out of my suit. After we finish eating, Ryan asks what I have planned for my last few days of freedom.

"I need to buy some new bathing suits."

"I'll help," Ryan replies eagerly.

I make a face at him and then continue. "I was figuring I would probably need to wear one at work, right?"

"You'll probably start mainly working in the office, and then we'll go from there so you don’t have to get anything right away if you don’t need it otherwise."

"I won't be in the water right away?"

Ryan sees that I look upset by this. "Do you want to be? I just figured I'd ease you into it, but if you want to, well, what I'm trying to say is, it's up to you."

"But you're the boss. It’s up to you."

"Right. Well, I don’t feel like your boss, Grace." He sounds putout.

I gulp "What do you feel like?"

"Uh, your friend. So if you want to be in the water I'll put you in the water."

"I want to be in the water." I smile, shyly.

He doesn't hesitate. "Done"

I grin and go back to knitting. Since I've learned what I’m doing when I accidentally add stitches, I pay extra attention to the loops and only count every tenth row or so. This improves my ability to follow the conversation and enables me to actually participate in it. I still move slowly in comparison to Kate and I have to watch what I'm doing whereas she rarely looks down. But I feel an intense feeling of satisfaction when I ask Kate how to end the scarf.

"It's called binding off, dear. Now take your needle and go through two stitches instead of one and then make your loop like normal. Alright, now push the new loop back onto the needle with all of the other stitches. Okay, and then put your needle through the first two loops again. See? You just do that all the way to the end and pull the lose yarn through."

It feels awkward, but I slowly bind off all of the open loops. With the exception of needing to trim the loose yarn at the end, it is done. I swing it around my neck a few times and model it for them before running inside to see how it looks in the mirror in my room. I tilt my head as I gaze at my reflection. I love it. Sure, I'll probably have little use for a scarf in Florida, but the fact that I had made it myself is enough for me. Next, I decide I want to make a shawl for Kate.

When I come back out, Ryan stops me in the kitchen. He's making bowls of ice cream for Kate and himself and asks if I want one as well. Not one to turn down ice cream, I hang out with him while he makes mine, asking for extra whipped cream. He raises a brow at me, which somehow makes me feel warm and silly for asking. I grab my bowl and Kate's before hurrying outside. I fumble Kate's bowl as I set it on the table beside her, blushing since Ryan is right behind me and sees it. I try to avoid his eyes as I sit down but can sense his gaze on me. I glance up at him just as he's putting a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. His eyes hold mine in an almost sensual way. I feel my breath catch as he slowly drags the spoon from his lips.

My eyes snap back down to my bowl before I close them. Then I hear him chuckle. That man. Turning to focus my attention on Kate, I ignore him, hoping he will get the hint. How am I going to work with him? Deciding that whatever he may or may not be doing is most likely all in my head, I feel calmer. When I finish my dish, I collect all of them and take them to the kitchen. When I come back out, I see Ryan has left without even saying goodbye. I brush aside how that makes me feel because it seems silly, like an overreaction.

Twisting my hair up into a knot, I watch Kate knit. "Kate, could you teach me how to make a prayer shawl?"

"Of course. You could just make one like your scarf. The only difference is adding more stitches at the start."

"But the way my scarf came out looks different than yours."

"I'm purling every other row."

"Is that different than knitting?"

"Here, let me finish this row, and I'll show you."

I move over to sit by Kate as she completes her row. Kate explains that with knitting I take the point of my needle and put it upwards into the first loop. To purl the stitch, Kate instead positions her needle to enter the stitch pointing downward. She even passes her knitting to me so I can try a couple stitches. It seems easy enough and makes the stitches on one side of the shawl look smaller and closer together, whereas how I knit before, the stitches look almost ribbed. Kate pulls her basket of supplies and lets me pick out some yarn. I choose a multi-colored skein shaded in various saturations of taupe.

On my scarf, Kate had me cast on twenty-five loops. For the shawl, I need sixty. Kate tells me to knit the first five rows just as I had with my scarf, that it will create a nice border. I get right to work. It’s different having so many stitches on my needle. I still count each of those first five rows, not wanting to add or drop any and have Kate unravel it. When I finish my fifth row, Kate again works me through how to purl. It feels awkward. I'd become accustomed to holding my hand one way, but now I have to hold my right hand a breath higher and point down instead of up.

I drop a couple of stitches and need Kate's help to fix it. We sit in comfortable silence as we knit. I’m concentrating so intently on the shawl that when Kate tells me she is going inside to bed it startles me. I decide to do the same once I finish the row I’m working on. Kate mumbles something about having created a monster and walks back inside. I smile to myself, and once my row is done, go inside, locking up behind me. I don't knit anymore that evening. Instead, I power up my laptop and check my email to see if I received a response from either of the offices I sent my resume to.

I haven’t. Not wanting to shut my laptop so soon, I start surfing the Internet. I don't have a purpose in mind, randomly going over to Pinterest and pinning or liking things I think are cute or funny. Almost distractedly, I create a board for knitwear, thinking I'll ask Kate to teach me to make some of these things. I’m looking at pictures of knit hats when the photo of a boy in a kayak catches my eye. The water in the picture is smooth, like silk. Maybe he's on a lake. The angle of the photo is of his back. He wears a long-sleeved, green t-shirt under an orange life vest. He has longish hair that just peeks out from the bottom of the knit cap he wears.

I pin the picture, not for the hat but because it reminds me of the day I went kayaking with Ryan. I can still picture the way his arms looked as he paddled in front of me. Curious, I open a new browser and Google Erickson Gulf Water Sports. When the page comes up, there’s a photo of Ryan and someone I assume is Jack on the home page. They both wear polo shirts and visors with the Erickson logo. I click on the picture to enlarge it. They’re both very tan, but working outside, that's to be expected. The person I think might be Jack is blonde and wears sunglasses in the picture. Ryan isn't wearing any and is squinting. I think he is adorable.

Jack is handsome. I can imagine the attention he and Ryan would get if they went out together. Ryan looks to be a couple of inches taller than him, but Ryan is very tall. I shake my head. I've no idea if the person in the photo is Jack or not. I bookmark the page before shutting down my computer. Once in bed, I feel conflicted in my attraction to Ryan. First, part of me is still getting over Jon. Second, in three short days, he is going to be my boss. Third, while he had been very flirty with me the last time I had been here he currently seems less interested.

The next morning, I am up and in the kitchen before Kate. I start the coffee and unload the dishwasher while I wait for it to brew. Kate comes out not long after. We eat bagels with cream cheese by the pool. Then she asks what my plans for the day are.

"I'm going to go buy a few new swim suits today. Would you like to come?"

"No, thank you, dear. But I did make a hair appointment if you could drop me off on your way."

"Of course. What are you having done?"

"Just a trim. My hairdresser is an old friend. We mainly gossip."

"Maybe I could get her to trim my hair, get rid of my split ends."

"I can call Michelle and see if she can fit you in today."

"That would be great."

Kate's hairdresser is able to squeeze me in before Kate. After my cut, I go to the mall and plan to pick Kate up on my way back. Michelle is a hoot. She's a tall, leggy blonde with a salon out of her house. She gives me a razor trim, and I love the way it turns out. She recommends a hair serum I can use while I work out on the gulf to help minimize future damage. I play with my hair as I drive to the mall, loving how light and soft it feels. I have to check the directory to find the suit shop. I don’t stay there long. All of the suits are too skimpy or fancy to work in.

I find another directory, and this time go to a sports store. I buy three one-piece suits and a couple of sports bra styled, two-piece suits. When I get back to Michelle's, Kate's hair is almost done. Both Kate and Michelle want to see my new suits, so I run back to my car to grab the bag. Holding each one up as they ohhh and ahhh over them.

"You should have picked something a little sexier if you're going to be working with Ryan," Michelle teases.

Another fan, I think to myself. When Kate's hair is done, we drive back to her house. For lunch, we have a chef salad. Kate lies down afterward, and I do a small load of laundry to wash my new suits. While the wash is going, I work on my shawl. I can't wait to give it to Kate. She's become such a huge part of my life, and I want to give her something to show her how much this means to me. Maybe she can use it to comfort herself, given all the loss she dealt with over the years. Each time I walk down the hallway to my new room, I still pause to look at the family photo. I have no children but cannot imagine how Kate felt losing both of hers.