Even though it seemed like her job was over, the girl who gave great advice knew she couldn’t join in the celebration just yet.
First, she had to tilt her head down thirty-seven and a half degrees; and then, after two and a half seconds, she had to look up at the person, nod slightly, raise both eyebrows at the same time, and smile. Looks like you figured it out, huh? was the message this conveyed. Even though the problem was already solved by this point, it was this follow-through that would keep them coming back for advice the next time.
After she was done with this part, she really was done, and she could do whatever she wanted to with her face. But she always did the same thing anyway: she smiled, a bright, true smile just for herself, because she really did love being the girl who gave great advice.
All You Have to Do
I wear a bright red T-shirt every single day.
I’ve been doing it for years.
That’s all you have to do to meet the girl of your dreams.
It sounds easy, doesn’t it?
It is. That’s exactly my point. Wearing a red T-shirt is the hardest part of it all, and it’s as easy as could be.
Once I have the red T-shirt on, I just live my life, exactly the way I want to live it. Maybe I take my dog for a walk in the park. If there’s a new bar or restaurant I’ve heard about, I might go and check that place out, and if there are any friends I want to catch up with, I might grab a bite or a drink there with them. But there’s also nothing wrong with going to a restaurant or bar by yourself—in some ways, that’s even better.
I wear one with a pocket, but it doesn’t matter. Bright red is the thing.
Then when you’re done living your life for the day, you just go to this website called Missed Connections and type in red shirt. Don’t put it in quotes, because some people might say “red T shirt” without a hyphen, and some others might spell it t-e-e or some other little variation. There’s no one right way to spell “T-shirt.” Isn’t that interesting? So anyway, just type red shirt. It will take a little bit of extra time, but that way you’ll be sure not to miss anything.
Then you get to see who liked you. More important: who liked you for you. Not you changing your behavior to impress anyone or please anyone. Not you on “date behavior.” Just you being you. And anyone will tell you that’s the whole point. You want to meet someone who likes the same things you do, and who likes you most when you’re most being yourself, so that when you are in a relationship, the person will truly be compatible with the real you.
That’s all you have to do.
It really is that simple.
Now: when someone does contact you, and it seems like it might be a match, should you wear another shirt on the date besides the red T-shirt, so it doesn’t seem like you only have one shirt? Or should you wear the red T-shirt as always, in case the first date doesn’t go well and you want a simple way to check if you caught anyone else’s interest while you were out on the date?
That is a very interesting question, and one that I think about a lot. I will let you know what I do when that comes up.
’Rithmetic
The principal called everyone into the auditorium. Everyone K–8. The teachers and the students. Everyone. Not janitors.
“Everybody, I want you to quiet down and turn off your phones,” he said. People weren’t much quieter. “Nothing I say leaves this room. And if you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it.” They still weren’t totally quiet, but quiet enough for him to start.
“Does anybody hate school?” No one raised a hand, and whispered laughter again bubbled to the surface of the room.
The principal made an angry face, the kind of angry face people don’t fake. “Oh, bullshit! You all hate school!”
Now they were quiet.
The principal walked up to a whiteboard with three words on it.
“They say school teaches three things,” said the principal, pointing with his permanent marker. “Reading, Writing, and ’Rithmetic—short for ‘arithmetic.’ Which is something, of course, that you know from ‘Reading.’ ” He put his Sharpie at the beginning of the third word. “I think the problem,” he said, squeaking a line through it, “is ’Rithmetic.
“What’s the difference between this school and a happy retirement community?”