Before You Go

THIRTY-EIGHT

My phone beeps continuously with texts from Noah. I immediately hit delete. I have three days before the article will be in the paper. Three days to prepare myself and my family. Three days to be normal before it all starts again.

I pile into my nest and wait for the storm. That’s the thing about depression, it isn’t soft and quiet, lulling me to sleep. At least that’s not how it begins. It’s loud, ringing anxiety. A pacing in my brain that only subsides after it runs its course—taking me where it wants, making me relive the things I don’t want to think about, blaming me over and over again until it’s satisfied. When finally my brain and body shut down.

It’s only then that the hole inside my chest shrinks. I remember this all too well. I rock myself into submission, into the comatose state where used to spend my time. I hold my head in my hands and everything goes foggy. My eyes are heavy and my body feels like hardening cement.

I bury myself under the pile of covers on my bed, hoping I can hide here. Hoping it won’t find me again. My head throbs until I drift off.

###

Over the next two days, Jules visits my apartment. I don’t answer. She must know about the article. I’m sure Jenna’s spread the news far and wide by now. Jules leaves food and flowers at my door—I throw it all away.

I come dangerously close to slipping deep into the black hole again, but something stops me. It’s Jules and the crazy big dude from group. She talks her way into my apartment, threatening me with the help of Big ’n Scary, and delivers me to the Mud Puddle where she has reinforcements.

Turns out she didn’t know about the article. She was almost as shocked as I was, so she enlists the help of my new friends and we come up with a plan.

“You need to take the offensive,” Jules recommends. I listen because she is prelaw and smart as hell. “When the article comes out, we hold a press conference and you tell your story. We get statistics on sexual assault on campus and within college sports; we get women’s organizations to come and show their support; we serve the a*sholes who did this to you their balls.”

“I don’t know,” I tell her. I honestly don’t think I’m tough enough to pull it off.

“Don’t you go soft on me, Tabitha Kelly. You’ve made it too far to go slinking away into a corner. Don’t you see how strong you are? You can do this.”

My mind races and I let out a huge sigh. I feel like I may hyperventilate.

Jules puts her arm around me. “We can do this.”

I nod, knowing we can do this. Jules ignites a fire in my belly. She believes me. She will support me.

No, this time I don’t have to take it lying down.

I’m not alone. This time, I can fight.

THIRTY-NINE

Dad is at my apartment when I get home with Jules. He must know what’s going on. My heart squeezes knowing that I’m going to put him through all of this again. God, could I do that to him? At his university?

“Tabby,” Dad says, sizing me up. “Where were you? Are you okay?”

“I was with Jules,” I say, wanting him to tell me what he knows before I give away any information.

“Noah called.”

Shit.

“He told me about the article and what he found,” he says with a shutter.

“It’s okay, Dad. I’m going to be okay. Really.”

“He was so worried about you, Tab,” Dad holds in a sob. “He said you shut down when he told you what he found. And after, you wouldn’t take his calls. You missed class.”

Dad sobs now and my heart crumbles. “I didn’t know what I was going to find here. I didn’t know if you could handle it again.”

“Daddy.” I wrap him in my arms. “No. I’d never do that again. I’m better. I can handle it. Jules will be there for me every step of the way when the article comes out.”

“What do you mean when it comes out?” Dad pulls away to look at me. “There’s no article. Noah shut it down immediately once the package came from Illinois. He doesn’t roll that way, honey. He’s one of the good guys.”

“He didn’t do it?” I say, almost to myself. “He didn’t file the story? He protected me? But what about making a name for himself?”

“He wouldn’t do that at your expense, sweetheart. He is torn up over this. I’ve never seen him so upset. You need to get in touch with him. Let him know you’re okay.”

“I don’t know if I can, Dad.” Now I have tears in my eyes. “There’s something you don’t know. Noah and I are…involved. Can you imagine what he thinks about me after all of this? How can I face him?”

“Only you can answer that, Tabby. And though I’m not pleased that you kept your relationship from me, I can tell you this: Noah is in love with you.”

“Wha—how do you know that?” I ask, not fully understanding his words.

Dad gives my hands a squeeze and says, “He told me.”