every mother needs a wife
I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A JOB, SO WHEN I HAD MY TWO CHILDREN I DIDN’T ASSUME I WOULD STOP WORKING. I slowed down, which I was happy to do. I was grateful that I could. Most can’t. However, I had no plans of being a full-time stay-at-home mother. This is not to say I think being a stay-at-home mother is not a job. It certainly is. It’s just not for me. Remember my motto, “Good for you, not for me.”
The whole business of working mothers and stay-at-home mothers is so touchy (or tetchy, if you’re a Brit). The subject inherently sucks. Not a week goes by without annoying and bullshit articles claiming “breast milk makes kids better liars” or “you should have only one child unless you live on a farm.” We torture ourselves and we torture each other, and all of it leads to a lot of women-on-women crime. Here are some examples:
1.A stay-at-home mother is introduced to someone as “Aiden’s mom” rather than her own name, which apparently doesn’t matter.
2.A working mother is out at a function and people say, “What are you doing out? Don’t you have little kids? Who’s watching them?”
3.A new mother talks about how she is breast-feeding her baby because she “just wants [her] baby to be healthy.”
4.A working mother sees a woman breast-feeding and asks her, “Are you still doing that?”
5.A working mother acts like she is too busy to answer e-mails.
6.A stay-at-home mother acts like she is too busy to answer e-mails.
7.A stay-at-home mother talks about how she doesn’t work because “they are only young once” and she doesn’t “want to miss a thing.”
8.A working mother talks about how “it’s not quantity, it’s quality.”
9.A stay-at-home mother needs a nanny, can afford one, and refuses to hire one, and in doing so denies her kids another caring and nurturing adult and denies herself some much-needed personal time and self-care.
10.A working mother relies too heavily on her nannies and feels defensive about it, so she overcompensates by talking nonstop about some weird music class she took her kid to once.
11.A stay-at-home mother approaches a working mother and grills her about how many hours she works. She gets really interested in what time the working mother leaves in the morning and comes home at night. Then she comments, “I honestly don’t know how you do it.”
I’ve gotten the last one a lot. The “I don’t know how you do it” statement used to get my blood boiling. When I heard those words I didn’t hear “I don’t know HOW you do it.” I just heard “I don’t know how you COULD do it.” I would be feeling overworked and guilty and overwhelmed and suddenly I would be struck over the head by what felt like someone else’s bullshit. It was an emotional drive-by. A random act of woman-on-woman violence. In my fantasy I would answer, “What do you mean how do I do it? Do you really want to know the ins and outs of my nanny schedule? Do you want to know how I balance child care with my husband and the different ways I manipulate and negotiate work to help me put my kids first when needed?” Sometimes I would fantasize about answering the question “How do you do it?” with quick one-word answers: “Ambivalence.” “Drugs.” “Robots.”
Of course, the ultimate comeback would be “Obviously you don’t know how I do it. Because you don’t do it. You couldn’t. What do you do, again?”
See what I did there? Crime!
There is an unspoken pact that women are supposed to follow. I am supposed to act like I constantly feel guilty about being away from my kids. (I don’t. I love my job.) Mothers who stay at home are supposed to pretend they are bored and wish they were doing more corporate things. (They don’t. They love their job.) If we all stick to the plan there will be less blood in the streets.
But let me try to answer the question for real.
Do you want to know how I do it? I can do it because I have a wife. Every mother needs a wife. My wife’s name is Dawa Chodon. Sometimes it is Mercy Caballero. It used to be Jackie Johnson. Dawa is from Tibet and Mercy is from the Philippines. Jackie is from Trinidad. Over the past five years they have helped me and Will take care of our children. We are lucky. Some people cannot afford this option and have little family support. Every mother needs a wife. Some mothers’ wives are their mothers. Some mothers’ wives are their husbands. Some mothers’ wives are their friends and neighbors. Every working person needs someone to come home to and someone to come get them out of the home. Someone who asks questions about their day and maybe fixes them something to eat. Every mother needs a wife who takes care of her and helps her become a better mother. The women who have helped me have stood in my kitchen and shared their lives. They have made me feel better about working so hard because they work hard too. They are wonderful teachers and caretakers and my children’s lives are richer because they are part of our family. The biggest lie and biggest crime is that we all do this alone and look down on people who don’t.
Can’t we all agree that more eyes on a kid is ultimately better? Doesn’t that at least lower the chances of him running into the street?
Now let me tell you about the music class I took my kid to once.
my world-famous sex advice
I THINK SEX IS GREAT. I love it and I am here to say I am good at it. Here is my World-Famous Sex Advice. Please follow it to the letter and don’t challenge me on any of it. Note that all of this advice is meant for older people (strictly eighty-plus). This advice works for both straight and gay couples but you’ll have to do your own work with switching the pronouns. All sex, in this instance and every instance, should be between consenting adults. Thank you in advance.
Ladies, listen up.
1.Try not to fake it. I know you are tired/nervous/eager to please/unsure of how to get there. Just remember to allow yourself real pleasure and not worry about how long it takes. If it makes you feel better, set a time frame. Say to your partner, “I think you are going to have to work on me for close to forty-five minutes and then we can see how it’s going and regroup.” God punished us with the gift of being able to fake it. Show God who the real boss is by getting off and getting yours.
2.Stop being so goal oriented when it comes to sex. You might not make it to the finish line every time. Don’t worry about it. Each part of the journey can be great.
3.Keep your virginity for as long as you can, until it starts to feel weird to you. Then just get it over with. Try not to have your first time be in a car.
4.Don’t have sex with people you don’t want to have sex with. Remember that no matter how old you are, every time you see that person the first thing you will think of is “I had sex with you.”
5.Don’t get undressed and start pointing out your flaws or apologizing for things you think are wrong with your body. Men don’t notice or care. They are about to get laid! They are so psyched. Men are very visual, so if you don’t want them to look at your stomach just put fake mustaches on your breasts to distract them.
6.Get better at dirty talk. Act like a bossy lady ordering at a deli. “I want the ham on rye and make sure you toast it!” If your guy is bad at dirty talk tell him to shut up. He might like that. If you don’t like dirty talk, don’t worry about it. It’s pretty hot if done well but it may not be up your alley. Also, try not to stick things up your alley.
7.Don’t let your kids sleep in your bed.
8.You have to have sex with your husband occasionally even though you are exhausted. Sorry.
9.Don’t make fun of men. Don’t be mean to them or hurt their feelings. Try not to crush their dreams or their balls.
10.Stay away from pics and videos. They last forever and you don’t want a snooping babysitter (me) to find them.
11.Laugh a lot and try new things with someone you love.
Gentlemen, rules for you. Eyes up here, please.
1.We don’t need it to last as long as you think. Hurry up. We are so tired.
2.We don’t want to remember your penis. We want to remember everything else but hopefully your penis is just a wonderful blur of goodness. If your penis is too big or too small or goes to the side or has a weird thing, we will remember it. If you have something very weird, tell us right away so we aren’t wondering if you know. Then we can laugh and get back to doing it.
3.You can’t fall asleep right after. You have to stay awake for at least a few minutes. Remember, if you fall asleep we will stare at you and evaluate you. This is a very vulnerable time when we may decide we don’t want to have sex with you again.
4.Keep it sexy. Don’t believe what you see in movies. It really isn’t cute when you stick out your gut.
5.Cool it on the porn and jerking off. We think porn is great and so is jerking off, but if we are going to have sex it may cause some problems. If you depend too heavily on the technical or visual then you may not notice the real flesh-and-blood person in your bed.
6.Be nice, tell your woman she is hot, never shame her, and never hurt her.
7.Work on your dirty talk too. Try different things but keep trying. Avoid the words “climax,” “moist,” and “mom.” Don’t speak in a fake accent. Or blaccent.
8.If you don’t get an erection, we know it’s usually not because of us. We look concerned because we are wondering if it will keep happening.
9.Stay away from orgies. They just take so much organizing and I feel like your time could be better spent.
10.Open up and try new things with someone you love.
11.If you don’t eat *, keep walking.