Chapter Five
Death wish
Lily
Sitting in the library, wearing the biggest, dorkiest smile I can muster, I can confirm that this is heaven. It’s a shame I’ll have to leave here. And soon. Nox says he’s protecting me, but I can’t trust him.
I won’t trust him.
It’s true that I haven’t been treated poorly in the short time I’ve been here, but I can’t help but feel I’m being duped. If he would just let me speak to my father or sister, I wouldn’t have to do what I’m doing.
I take three books off the shelf and go back to my room. During the course of the evening, I take small bits of food and bottled water and stash them in a pillowcase hidden in the depths of my closet.
The time reads 11:51pm when Nox appears at my doorway, checking in as he has been the whole night. I look up at him and force a yawn. “I think I’m going to go to sleep. Today was a long day.”
For a second, he looks apologetic before he nods and says a gruff, “G’night.” He waits until I slide under the covers and switch off the lamp, then he closes the door almost completely. I hear him walk down the hall and I’m bathed in darkness when he turns the hall light off. Now, I just need to be sure to stay awake.
I wait and wait and wait as patiently as I can. Almost an hour passes before I hear footfalls down the hall. I force my breathing to deepen and steady as if I’m asleep just as the door creaks. The door stays open a long while and I hear him sigh before closing the door almost fully again. The sounds of footsteps walking away from my room make my heart skip a beat.
It’s time.
I hop out of bed, and quiet as a mouse, I tiptoe over and reach into the back of the closet for my escape pillowcase. I creep to the doorway and listen.
Nothing. Not a sound. I’m good to go.
I carefully push the door as close to the frame as possible then walk over to the window. I know Nox put me on the second floor for a reason; I’d bet he’d never guess that I was the type to climb trees when I was younger. It’s how I broke my arm when I was younger. It hurt like a bitch. Pushing the window up as slowly as possible, I stick my hand on the mesh bug screen and push. Hard. It pops out with little force and I smirk.
Not very secure for a safe house.
Taking my pillowcase of goodies, I step out onto the ledge and look around.
Gutter, three o’clock.
Shuffling over, my heart races as I take hold of the white painted steel. I’m not exactly fond of heights. I clutch the gutter tightly but my hands sweat so much that I can’t get a good grip.
I wonder what would happen if I fell? Would I land on my feet?
I think that’s a great way to break your feet. You are not a cat. You know this, right?
Hmmm. True. I close my eyes and try to steady myself by taking deep breaths.
It’s now or never. Don’t be a chickenshit, just do it.
Okay. I wipe my hands on my sweats and clasp the gutter again. Lifting one sneaker-covered foot, I check the grip I can get on it. It’s not bad. Not great, either. I start to climb down, chanting softly, “Foot. Hand. Foot. Hand.”
Half way down, I smile when I realize I’m almost there. Just as I mentally cheer, my grip comes loose, my eyes widen and I mouth ‘oh shit.’ Then I fall backwards into air and it almost feels like time stops. Everything passes in slow motion. It takes what feels like hours before my back connects with the ground. The thud rattles my brain. I wheeze and double over.
I’m winded.
Mothertrucker!
Tears blur my vision as my body throbs with pain. The pressure builds in my ears and I gasp when I can finally take in a breath. Shaking my head, I stand on wobbly legs, look around, and then run. I run fast and the heavy pillowcase slaps me on the back with every step I take away from the house. My escape loot suddenly feels heavier and heavier. In a panic, I throw it to the side and run faster.
My heart plummets into my gut when I see a wall in the distance.
A very high wall. Perhaps twelve-feet tall.
Shit!
I run the length of the wall looking for some form of exit. My heart races and my face flushes in aggravation.
No. No. No!
This wasn’t meant to happen! I need to get out of here.
I approach what seems to be the only exit to this house and, f*ck my life, it’s manned. Two men inside a small room sit and talk while watching what looks to be a CCTV of some kind. Oh, damn. I didn’t know there would be cameras here. I hadn’t factored that in. I stand and run in the opposite direction toward the back of the house. It takes about four minutes in a full sprint. This house is damn big.
I’m sweating, I’m frustrated, and I’m about to give up when angels sing in my ear. A gate. There’s a damn gate! Thank you, Jesus!
Smiling big, I place my hands on the lever handle and push down.
Clunk
Shit! No! NO!
The effing gate is locked! My throat clogs and I choke out a sob, while pressing down the lever hard and fast repeatedly as if that’ll somehow make it unlock. Tears fall down my face and I nod in resolve. Only one thing to do now.
Climb the wall.
Lifting my foot high to the lever handle of the gate, I let out a yelp when something grips my ponytail tight as well as the waist of my pants and drags me backwards. Reaching up, I hold onto the strong hand that still holds my ponytail firmly. I’m being dragged along like a freakin’ dog. My mouth opens and filth spews out, “Let go of me, you f*cker! I knew you were full of shit! Protecting me, my ass!”
Suddenly, I’m thrown by my hair onto the porch. My scalp throbs. I look up and I almost wish I hadn’t. A fuming Nox stands in front of me. Through gritted teeth, he hisses, “Get in the f*ckin’ house, Lily.”
Standing on unsteady legs, I stand as tall as I can and whisper shakily, “No.”
“Get in the house.” His cheek tics.
A little stronger, I repeat myself, “No.” My voice strained.
The veins in his neck bulge when he roars, “Get in the f*cking house!”
My entire body jerks in shock and I shut my eyes tightly. Bringing my balled fists up to my temples, I screech, “No! You can’t make me!”
My nose tingles and I hate myself for wanting to feel the sweet release of the tears that are stuck behind my closed eyes.
A soft hand gently squeezes my shoulder. I hear Boo tell Nox, “Go on. I’ll take her inside.”
Boo’s hands gently pry my fists away from my head. She coos, “Come on, Deedee. Let’s go up to your room and have a little talk.”
I’m devastated. I just want to go home. I choke on a sob, “I want to talk to my dad.”
Boo nods, “Okay. Let me talk to Nox. I’ll do my best, but,” she looks around cautiously, “you’ve seen him. If he says no, it means no.”
Putting her arm around my waist, she guides me up the stairs and into my room. I’m too exhausted to argue and let her lead me gently but firmly. Once we reach my room, I throw myself on the bed dramatically and she chuckles, “So, you went all MacGyver, huh?”
My top lip twitches and I have the insane urge to burst into laughter. I explain, “No way. If I were MacGyver, I totally would’ve gotten away. MacGyver is badass.”
Boo walks around the bed and lays on it next to me. “You know, I had the biggest crush on MacGyver when I was younger. I don’t know whether it was his wittiness or that silky blonde mullet, but,” she sighs, “I really had it bad for him.”
My twitch turns into a smile, “Although the silky mullet is mighty tempting, I think it was his scrappiness I liked most.”
Boo blinks. “Scrappiness? What the hell is scrappiness?”
I roll my eyes at her. “Oh, c’mon! He could use anything normal and make it extraordinary. He was scrappy!”
Her brows rise and she nods. “Scrappy. I like it.”
We fall into an awkward silence. I stare at her while she stares at me. Not able to stand the silence any longer, I blurt out, “I’m not sorry I ran. I’ll do it again and again ‘til I speak to my father. It’s a simple request, and if you’re really protecting me, then it shouldn’t be an issue.”
Boo looks apologetic. “I’m sorry, Deedee. It’s not my choice. And I know it means nothing to you, but I promise you that there’s no one better to protect you than Nox. I’ve worked with my fair share of people and he has the best success rate, regardless of the mission.”
I stare her down. “What would you do if you were me?”
Her eyes sparkle as she smiles slyly. “I’d run.”
Wow. I’m completely stunned by her honesty. She opens her mouth to speak when she looks past me and quickly sits up. She moves to stand by the bed and I look up at her. “He’s behind me, isn’t he?”
She doesn’t say a thing but she looks sorry. Without a word, she leaves me lying on the bed with Nox at the door. He doesn’t say a word and neither do I. I refuse to turn around and look at him. The silence becomes thicker and thicker until I hear a loud thump followed by creaking. My curiosity gets the better of me and I turn.
I don’t believe it!
He’s brought up a rocking chair and maneuvers it in a way that completely blocks the doorway. He sits down, rocking himself gently and remains silent. His cool eyes dare me to protest.
Oh, you mothertrucker!
The message is clear.
I’ve lost what little freedom I had after my little stunt. My eyes narrow and I spit, “I hate your guts.”
Nox nods slowly. “Good. That’ll make my job easier.” My eyes turn to slits and he says cheerfully with a cruel smirk, “Goodnight, Delilah. Sweet dreams.”
Lifting his hand, he flicks the light switch and I throw up the covers and lay underneath them, making as much noise as I can to note my displeasure. Sitting up, I grit my teeth and give my pillows the beating of their lives. Throwing my head back down with a whoosh, I stare up at the ceiling and silently imagine what I’d like to do to Nox right now.
The rocking chair squeaks for a millisecond and I find my opening. “Sssshhhh!”
Nox sighs, “Go to sleep, Lily.”
I silently scoff. “You can’t tell me what to do.”
“Yes, I can.”
“No, you can’t. You think you can but you can’t. It’s an illusion.”
And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The rocking chair creaks to a halt and he states, “You need to grow the f*ck up, lady. Stop acting like a goddamn child.”
Immediately, I hiss, “You leave me no choice! I don’t know if a thing you say is true and I really don’t feel like I’m being protected right now. I’m going crazy not knowing about my family. If you’d even let me call my sister-”
He cuts me off, “Not happening.”
“I’ll sneak out again.”
“Then you’ll sleep with me from now on. Good luck with the whole spy-versus-spy thing.”
Well shit. I don’t want Nox to be my bed buddy.
Silence envelops us both. The dark is comforting. Just as my mind wanders, Nox asks quietly, “Do you have a death wish?” I don’t answer and he goes on, “Someone wants you dead and your father paid a lot of money to make sure you’d stay safe. So I relax a little around you because, hey, you seem decent. And you try to sneak out, creepin’ around like a f*cking secret agent and doing a really shitty job of it, too.”
My mind is stuck on the part where he thinks I’m decent.
He sighs wearily, “Do you have any idea what could’ve happened? Do you know what happens if you die?” My eyes water. I don’t say a word but Nox implores, “Think of the consequences for f*ck sake. Think of your family. How would they feel?”
Tears streak past my temples. Nox asks quietly, “Do you know what it would do to me?”
My heart skips a beat.
I quietly cry. I just want to forget about this whole thing. Maybe if I go to sleep, I’ll wake up at home and this will have all just been a dream, like Dorothy returning from Oz.
He clears his throat. “Never lost someone on my watch before. If something happened to you, I’d spend the rest of my life wondering what I could’ve done differently, that would’ve kept you alive. Wounds like that…wounds to the heart…they leave ugly scars that never fade.” Then he almost whispers, “I’m sorry I pulled your hair. I panicked and I did what I had to keep you from making a huge mistake. Your safety is everything.” Clearing his throat once more, he states, “It won’t happen again. Get some sleep.”
It’s then that I make the decision to never run away from Nox.
Using the sleeve of my sweatshirt, I wipe away my tears and snot and settle deeper into the bed. I breathe deeply and exhale slowly.
I fall asleep thinking I’m going to do what I can to make the best of this situation.
***
I wake feeling awful. My face is puffy and my eyes are sore. I’m sure they’re a nice shade of red to match my mortification about last night’s stunt.
Turning, I look to the door and see that Nox is gone.
Good. That would’ve been creepy to wake up to.
Staying in bed seems like a good idea. I pull the covers up over my head and lay in my little cocoon of make believe. In this cocoon, I can be anywhere I want. Anywhere in the world. Hell, I won’t even restrict myself to the world! Neverland, Wonderland, and the moon are all great places too.
All those places sound good but my mind keeps taking me back to my family.
The covers fly off of me and Rock stands there scowling down at me with both hands on his hips. “Anyone ever told you you’re nuts?”
I nod slowly in agreement and his face softens marginally. “Well, you are. F*cking mamaluko. Don’t even think about doing that again, Lily. It was a shithead move.” Running a hand through his hair, he sighs then asks, “Hungry?”
Not in the slightest.
Sliding out of bed, I put on the robe that hangs at the back of my door and I walk with Rock down to the kitchen to find Boo already behind the stove making scrambled eggs. I haven’t eaten much in the last two days and I know I should be hungry but I’m really not. I’m sure this has something to do with the events of the last few days. The thought of doing something so mundane like enjoying a meal makes my stomach turn. Boo turns and smiles, “Hey D, just making some breakfast. I know you’ve gotta be hungry.”
Not wanting an argument, I simply nod and she fills a plate with eggs, bacon, and toast. It looks great but I pick at it.
It’s freakin’ bacon. I love bacon.
I look up in time to see Rock and Boo having a silent conversation with their eyes. They both turn to me and immediately know they’re busted. Rock urges softly, “C’mon, Lily. Eat, babe.”
Moving food around with my fork, I make a show of forcing a small amount of eggs into my mouth. The eggs are soft and easy to swallow. I fear the bacon won’t go down as easily. Pushing my plate forward, I whisper, “Please, excuse me.” Without waiting for an answer, I stand on weak legs and take the long walk back up to my room.
Being happy here is going to be harder than I thought. I make a stop at the library and hope that my love of all things books will help me out of this hard time. Choosing some classics, I hold them tight to my chest and walk back to my room.
When I step out into the hall, I see Nox at the opposite end. We both stop walking and stare each other down. He eyes the books I clutch to my chest as if they were made of solid gold. I lower my chin to my chest and walk to my room. Being petty, I shut the door with a light slam. My smartass retort already planned, I wait for an angry Nox to throw it open with threats of breaking it down.
But he never comes.
***
Nox
How I could f*ck up a job so quickly is beyond me.
“You f*cked up, bro.” I look up to find the doorway to my office filled with two-hundred pounds of stupid. “Shouldn’t have put your hands on her.”
I know this. I shouldn’t have. I f*cked up. Bad. When you got trust issues with your protected, you got issues. Period. Not being able to stay silent any longer, I type away at my laptop and tell him distractedly, “I apologized already.”
Rock pushes off from the doorframe and sits in the chair across from me. “You didn’t see her this morning, man. She’s thinking about it. Thinking too much. Why not let her speak to her dad for a minute? Or the sister? F*ck, even her mom! Just give her something.” I glare at my friend as he appeals, “Anything, man. She’s fallin’ apart.”
Rock has sisters, and being Italian , he was extremely protective of them. He hates to see a woman in pain of any kind. You would never guess it to look at him but the guy wears his heart on his sleeve. We met on the day of my first mission. It was his first mission, too. When he introduced himself to me, I thought he was gonna be useless. No way could a guy that smiles and jokes as much as he does be a valuable ally on the field.
How wrong was I?
Not fifteen minutes in, we’re under attack and the other members of our unit are dropping like flies. For a spilt second, I panicked and lowered my weapon to look at the destruction surrounding me. By the time I realized I had someone at my back, it was too late. I threw my arms up in surrender when the guy was taken out.
By Rock.
Never seen someone do a complete one eighty like that. I swear he’s got multiple personalities. He can be your best friend, your worst enemy, a philosopher, and a comedian all rolled into one.
Rock urges, “C’mon, man. It’s just a phone call.”
Typing away, I throw him an aloof, “Not happening.”
Shaking his head, obviously disappointed in me, he stands and leaves my office. As soon as he leaves, I lean back in my chair with a sigh.
Should’ve never taken this job.