6—IN THE DARK
Max drove me back to Lana’s house. I was on autopilot the entire ride. My mind kept rewinding back to the two of us on his couch.
When he dropped me off, I sat outside. For minutes? Hours? Beats me. I just stared at the clear black sky, hoping that I would forget about our kiss. That’s the thing though, logic made that impossible. Logic seemed to disappear in the moment I needed it the most, but reared its practical head when everything was said and done. And right now, it was showing me everything I did wrong.
What did you think, Naomi? That you could be alone with him and nothing would happen?
I rested my elbows on my knees and looked down at the brick steps.
Why did you even tell him to go back to the house? Why?
Good question. Why didn’t I tell him to just take me home?
I didn’t have an answer. Nothing valid, at least. The only thing I had was excuses. It was those looks he gave me during dinner. Or when he put his hand on my lower back. It was an act of protectiveness and chivalry. Maybe it was when we changed positions and his body was beneath me? The power I felt in that moment made my skin tingle. I could get drunk from that much power. When my head was pressed against his chest, I heard the solid beat of his heart; his scent had engulfed me. I had stayed perfectly still, hoping that maybe if I pressed deep enough, his scent would sink underneath my skin.
It was all of those things wrapped into one. It built, and gathered speed, and catapulted us to that one kiss.
A kiss that changed everything.
I brushed my finger against my lower lip. I couldn’t even call it a kiss. A kiss to me was two people’s lips touching. Sometimes it’s awkward. Sometimes it’s sweet and innocent. Sometimes lust takes over.
But never does a kiss combust into something so powerful that even your heart feels it. Every touch, every moan, every breath becomes electrified.
Max felt it too. I was sure of it. He wasn’t ready to admit the truth out loud. I couldn’t blame him; we were both out of our league.
I closed my eyes, expecting Max to be the first thing I saw. But he wasn’t. It was Lachlan. I groaned in anguish and rubbed my temples, trying to erase the image of him. Not here. Not right now. He wasn’t supposed to ruin this for me.
Get out of my head. Get out. Get out. Get out.
My mind wanted to revert. It wanted to go back to all the memories of Lachlan and stay there. I couldn’t let that happen. The edges of my vision started to become hazy. I pushed away those memories as hard as I could.
I stood up. Talking to Lana would make things better. I would tell her everything that happened with Max. She would listen to me, like a good friend should, and would give me sound advice. I would ask her what she did tonight. She would tell me. Minutes later we would be on a totally different topic, far away from the realities of our worlds.
It was pitch black outside but there were spotlights hidden behind the trimmed shrubs, shining onto the house. Lana’s family’s home was an old Antebellum mansion that had been in the family for centuries. Lana came from old money and it showed. Behind their house was a large red barn where the family’s horses were. When Lana wanted to escape and get away from everything, she would go for a ride and clear her mind.
It made absolutely no sense to see her horse walking free. His hooves crunched on the gravel. He walked right past me. His ears were moving back and forth at a rapid pace. His nostrils were flared. Normally, he was a calm horse. One that took after his master. But his fear and restlessness was apparent.
Alarm bells started to ring in my head. Something wasn’t right.
I looked over my shoulder at the barn. The door was cracked open. I didn’t hear any noise. Everything appeared fine. But unease made the hairs on my arm stand up. Fear trickled through my body and I should’ve turned around and gone back to the safety of my home but I walked forward.
Only a few steps away from the barn, I heard the noises. Something tipped over and crashed. I heard someone gasp or wheeze and then a grunt. It was one of those moments where my mind was screaming for me to stop and not go any further. But I couldn’t not look. I peeked my head inside the barn and I saw Lana pinned against the wooden beam. A large forearm was pressed against her throat, cutting her off from speaking, crying out or even breathing. Her pants and underwear were around her knees. Her blue jean jacket was open. I saw her shirt was torn at the collar.
All of my own problems disappeared and were replaced with terror. Complete, mind numbing terror. This wasn’t two people getting away and acting on lust—that complete obsession to be with each other.
There was nothing consensual about what I was seeing.
Lana’s eyes were squeezed shut as the man grunted like an animal as he moved in and out of her. His free hand gripped her hip and it wasn’t out of love. It was to keep her in place.
I was detached from my body. Watching myself frozen in place. What was I doing? MOVE! One foot in front of the other. How hard was that? But I couldn’t. It was like I was in quicksand and stuck in place, and slowly sinking as I watched the scene unfold.
I’d always assumed, that in a moment of panic, I would react swiftly and rationally. I would use my brain. My emotions would shut down and I would draw from the adrenaline coursing through my body to get through it all.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I glanced around frantically at the house. I need to get my phone, I thought to myself. No. I needed to run to the back door and get help. I couldn’t settle on a single thing to do.
I closed my eyes. Tears streamed down my face. I went to cover my ears, to block out all the noises but the sounds had stopped.
The silence was deafening. I was afraid to open my eyes. When I did, the man turned to face me. He didn’t look my way. His shirt was loose. His pants were unzipped, showing his flaccid dick. I recoiled from that visual. God, I wish I knew how to use a gun. I would aim it right between his legs.
Lana was slumped against that wooden beam. Her pants were still around her ankles. He was breathing heavily while Lana kept her gaze on the ground. He leaned down and his knees made a popping noise. Out of everything I saw tonight, I flinched at that action.
He laughed, and it was filled with so much hate and rage. “You know I’m the only f*cking person that truly loves you, right?” he said.
Lana stayed silent. He jerked her hair tightly by the root, until she was looking at him. She stared at him with rigid composure. Her eyes were void and I realized, in that moment, that she was used to this treatment.
His voice rose as he stared down at her. “Right?” He tugged and her skull hit the beam.
“You’re right,” Lana croaked. She cleared her throat and started over. “You’re right. You’re right. I know. I’ll be good,” she whispered like a little girl.
He nodded once before he zipped his pants up and walked toward the open door.
I panicked. Fear made me turn and move on shaky legs. Fear made my heart speed up until I was panting for breath. I ran around the corner of the barn. My back rested against the wood. My hands were placed on my bent knees. I felt like I was seconds away from losing my dinner.
Gravel crunched loudly, and I held my breath, straining to hear his movements. Finally, I heard the screen door shut. I waited until it finally felt safe to move before I ran back to the barn. Lana was still sitting, but now her jeans were buttoned up. She clutched her jacket together with one hand and rested her forehead against her knee. Her entire body shook violently before she leaned sideways and threw up. The sounds coming from her made me cringe. When there was nothing left in her stomach, she sat up and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
I stepped into the entryway. “Lana?”
Her head shot up and the pole light right outside the door brought light inside the dark barn, enough that I could see the wet streaks on her cheeks.
I walked closer and she stood, albeit on shaky legs, and turned to stare at an empty horse stall.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
The look on her face and the hunch of her shoulders made me want to run forward and hold on to her as tightly as I could.
She wiped her cheeks and gave me a shaky smile. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
Like a dummy, I stood there, staring at her blankly. Were we going to pretend that everything was okay? I turned back toward the house, making sure no one was watching us. I kneeled beside her.
“Lana, I saw everything,” I whispered.
A loud hiccup was her only reaction.
I repeated myself. This time, with heavy emphasis.
A painful groan tore from her throat and it seemed like years went by before she slowly nodded. It was her only acknowledgement to the situation.
“We need to get you to the hospital,” I said.
“No!” she rushed out.
“What do you mean, no?”
Stubbornly, she shook her head. “I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“It’s not going to change a thing.”
“Yes, it will! It will never happen again.”
“But it will,” she said very quietly.
She finally looked at me. I saw her fear and I saw the humiliation.
I had so many questions. How long has this been going on? Does your mom know? Why didn’t you tell me?
And I had to keep them all to myself; Lana could barely breathe, let alone talk.
I stood up. I dragged all ten fingers through my hair in frustration and paced back and forth.
Processing everything was like swallowing glass. Painful. So painful.
I turned and my words burst from my chest like a bullet releasing from the chamber. “He’s your dad,” I said brokenly.
My knees gave out. I sat next to Lana. My shoulder touched hers. I could feel her pain as if it was my own. And it was so heavy and so consuming that a sob tore from my throat. Lana was crying into her hands. I felt useless, like I couldn’t do a damn thing to ease her pain.
She continued to cry and I turned my head to stare at her family’s beautiful house. My teeth were grinding together and my eyes narrowed. Not a damn thing? Logic whispered. Fight for her. Fight since no one else will.