Turtles All the Way Down



After school, I got into Harold and screamed when Daisy suddenly appeared in the backseat. “Shit, you scared me.”

“Sorry,” she said. “I’ve been hiding, because Mychal and I are in the same history class, and I don’t want to deal with it yet, and also I’ve got a bunch of comments to reply to. It’s a hard life for a minor fan-fiction author. Did you notice anything in the police report?”

I was still catching my breath, but eventually said, “They seem to know slightly less than we do.”

“Yeah,” Daisy said. “Wait. Holmesy, that’s it. That’s it! They know slightly less than we do!”

“Um, so?”

“The reward is for ‘information leading to the whereabouts of Russell Davis Pickett.’ We may not know where he is, but we have information they don’t that will help them find his whereabouts.”

“Or not,” I said.

“We should call. We should call and be, like, hypothetically, if we knew where Pickett was the night he disappeared, how much would that be worth? Maybe not the full hundred thousand, but something.”

“Let me talk to Davis about it,” I said. I worried about betraying him, even though I barely knew him.

“Break hearts, not promises, Holmesy.”

“Just . . . I mean, who knows if they’d even give us money for that, you know? It’s just a picture. You need a ride to work?”

“As it happens, I do.”



While eating dinner with Mom in front of the TV that night, I kept thinking about the case. What if they did give us a reward? It was valuable information the police didn’t have. Maybe Davis would hate me, if he ever found out, but why should I care what some kid from Sad Camp thought of me?

After a while, I begged homework and escaped to my room. I thought maybe I’d missed something from the police report, so I went through it again and was still reading when Daisy called me. She started talking before I’d finished saying “Hi.”

“I had a highly hypothetical conversation with the tip line, and they said that the reward is coming from the company, not the police, so it’s up to the company to decide what is relevant, and that the reward would only be given out after they found Pickett. Our info is definitely relevant, but it’s not like they’ll find Pickett just with the night-vision picture, so we might have to split the reward with other people. Or if they never find him, we might not get it. Still, better than nothing.”

“Or exactly equal to nothing, if they don’t find him.”

“Yeah, but it’s evidence. We should at least get part of the reward.”

“If they find him.”

“Crook gets caught. We get paid. I don’t see why you’re waffling here, Holmesy.”

Just then, my phone buzzed. “I have to go,” I said, and hung up.

I’d gotten a text from Davis: I used to think you should never be friends with anyone who just wants to be near your money or your access or whatever.

I started typing a response, but then another text came in. Like, never make a friend who doesn’t like YOU.

I started to type again, but saw the . . . that meant he was still typing, so I stopped and waited. But maybe the money is just part of me. Maybe that’s who I am.

A moment later, he added: What’s the difference between who you are and what you have? Maybe nothing.

At this point I don’t care why someone likes me. I’m just so goddamned lonely. I know that’s pathetic. But yeah.

I’m lying in a sand trap of my dad’s golf course looking at the sky. I had kind of a shitty day. Sorry for all these texts.

I got under the covers and wrote him back. Hi.

Him: I told you I was bad at chitchat. Right. That’s how you start a conversation. Hi.

Me: You’re not your money.

Him: Then what am I? What is anyone?

Me: I is the hardest word to define.

Him: Maybe you are what you can’t not be.

Me: Maybe. How’s the sky?

Him: Great. Huge. Amazing.

Me: I like being outside at night. It gives me this weird feeling, like I’m homesick but not for home. It’s kind of a good feeling, though.

Him: I am drenched in that feeling at the moment. Are you outside?

Me: I’m in bed.

Him: Light pollution makes naked eye stargazing suck here, but I can see all eight stars in the Big Dipper right now, if you include Alcor.

Me: What was shitty about your day?

I watched the . . . and waited. He wrote for a long time, and I imagined him typing and deleting, typing and deleting.


Him: I’m all alone out here, I guess.

Me: What about Noah?

Him: He’s all alone, too. That’s the worst part. I don’t know how to talk to him. I don’t know how to make it stop hurting. He’s not doing any homework. I can’t even get him to take a shower regularly. Like, he’s not a little kid. I can’t MAKE him do stuff.

Me: If I knew something...like, something about your dad? And I told, would that make it better or worse?

He was typing for a long time. Much worse, came the reply at last.

Me: Why?

Him: Two reasons: If Noah can be eighteen or sixteen or even fourteen when he has to watch his father go to jail, that will be better than it happening when he’s thirteen. Also, if Dad gets caught because he tries to contact us, that will be okay. But if he gets caught despite NOT reaching out to us, Noah will be completely crushed. He still thinks our dad loves us and all that.

For a moment, and only for a moment, I entertained the notion that Davis might’ve helped his father disappear. But I couldn’t see Davis as his father’s accomplice.


Me: I’m sorry. I won’t say anything. Don’t worry.

Him: Today is our mom’s birthday, but Noah barely knew her. It’s all just so different for him.

Me: Sorry.

Him: And the thing is, when you lose someone, you realize you’ll eventually lose everyone.

Me: True. And once you know that, you can never forget it.

Him: Clouds are blowing in. I should go to bed. Good night, Aza.

Me: Good night.

I put the phone on my bedside table and pulled my blanket up over me, thinking about the big sky over Davis and the weight of the covers on me, thinking about his father and mine. Davis was right: Everybody disappears eventually.





EIGHT




DAISY WAS STANDING NEXT TO MY PARKING SPOT when Harold and I arrived at school the next morning. Summer doesn’t last in Indianapolis, and even though it was still September, Daisy was underdressed for the weather in a short-sleeve top and skirt.

“I have a crisis,” she announced once I was out of the car. As we walked through the parking lot, she explained. “So last night, Mychal called to ask me out, and I could’ve handled myself via text but you know I get nervous on the phone, plus I remain unsure Mychal can handle all . . . this,” she said, gesturing vaguely at herself. “I am willing to give the giant baby a chance. But in a flustered moment, not wanting to commit to a full-on proper date, I may have suggested he and I go on a double date with you and Davis.”

“You did not,” I said.

“And then he was, like, ‘Aza said she wasn’t looking for a relationship,’ and I was, like, ‘Well, she already has a crush on this dude who goes to Aspen Hall,’ and then he was, like, ‘The billionaire’s kid,’ and I was, like, ‘Yeah,’ and then he was, like, ‘I can’t believe I got fake rejected by someone for a fake reason.’ But anyway, on Friday night, you and me and Davis and a man-size baby are having a picnic.”

“A picnic?”

“Yeah, it’ll be great.”

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