“Waa, waa, waa,” Lula said. “You gotta get tough. We got a rocky road ahead of us. We gotta find our way out of this urban jungle.”
“Get ready,” Howie whispered to Grandma. “The first life-threatening danger is coming up. You have to get some light on their faces.”
Lula and Briggs were creeping along. I saw movement in a doorway to Lula’s left, and a woman threw a cat out at them. It bounced off Lula and landed on its feet.
Gurrhr, phffft, RAAAWR!
“What the freaking Sam Hill!” Lula said. “That sounds like a wild cat. It’s one of them vicious killer wild cats.”
Lula was jumping around, waving her arms in the air, not sure which direction to run. She stepped back, crashed into Briggs, and knocked him on his ass.
Grandma flashed the light on Lula and then on the cat. It was a fluffy white cat with a pink collar.
“It don’t look like a killer cat,” Grandma said. “It’s a pussycat.”
“Well, I hate cats. I’m allergic to cats,” Lula said. “And anyways you never know which one of them is a killer.”
She bent down to pick Briggs up, and she farted.
“Cut!” Howie yelled.
“What do you mean ‘Cut’?” Lula asked. “You keep yelling ‘Cut’ and we’re never gonna get done with this thing.”
“You farted,” Howie said.
“It’s a human dilemma,” Lula said. “You telling me you don’t fart?”
“Not on camera,” Howie said.
“Well, excuse me,” Lula said. “It was my body releasing all my pent-up frustration. It’s not like this here’s a perfect filming experience for me. Every time I turn around, Short Stuff got his nose in my business. But I’m not acting like some prima donna and complaining about it.”
“Maybe I don’t like that your business is always in my face,” Briggs said. “You ever think of that?”
A woman came out from the doorway and scooped up the cat.
“Good kitty,” the woman said. “Good job.” She looked over at Howie. “Will you need Snowball any more?”
“No,” Howie said. “We’re done with Snowball.”
“I think I skinned my ass when Sasquatch knocked me over,” Briggs said. “Someone look and see if I’m bleeding.”
“Excuse me for knocking you over,” Lula said, “but it was a frightening experience. Just like it was supposed to be. It was supposed to point out the dangers of moving around in a city where you got cats and shit. I bet we got some good film on that. Like I had fear going. That’s genuine emotion.”
Howie ran the footage back. “What I got is Grandma on camera saying it’s a pussycat.”
“Maybe we could put a sex spin on it,” Lula said.
“It’s Grandma,” Howie said. “We’re not supposed to see her or hear her. You ever hear or see any of the crew on the real show? No! It’s gotta look like people are out there alone . . . naked and afraid.”
“You told me to light their faces,” Grandma said. “How am I supposed to do that if I don’t move in?”
“You put the light on the cat,” Howie said.
Grandma narrowed her eyes and stood her ground. “I thought people would want to see it.”
“Could we get on with this?” Briggs said. “I’m getting cold. Between the cat fiasco and the night air I’m getting shrinkage.”
“Gee, look at the time,” I said. “I have to be running along with Grandma now. I promised my mom. And Morelli is waiting for me. We wouldn’t want Morelli to come out here to get me. He might have to arrest the naked people.”
“Who’s going to work the flashlight if I leave?” Grandma asked.
“It’s gonna be a problem. We got a skeleton crew,” Howie said. “Give your flashlight to the makeup ’ho. I guess she can do it.”
Grandma handed the flashlight over and followed me to my car.
“Sorry I had to ruin your night,” I said to Grandma, “but Mom was worried about you.”
“It’s okay,” Grandma said. “The flashlight was running out of batteries anyway. It was getting real dim. And if you ask me I don’t think anybody back there knows what they’re doing.”
I dropped Grandma off and returned to Morelli.
“How’d it go?” he asked.
“Mission accomplished. Grandma’s home safe and sound. Anything interesting happen here?”
“No, but if you didn’t show up soon I was going to start without you.”
“After seeing Lula and Briggs in the altogether I’m not feeling especially romantic.”
“Cupcake, when you see what I’ve got to show you it’ll all be forgotten.”
“That sounds promising.”
“The first thing we have to do is get your clothes off.”
“Wait a minute,” I said. “I thought you were going to show me what you’ve got.”
“Even better,” Morelli said.
He got rid of his shoes and socks, stripped off his shirt, and shucked his jeans. He was wearing blue plaid Calvin boxers. He cuddled me up close against him and let me look inside the Calvins. He was right. Poof! No more Briggs.
FOURTEEN
MORELLI WAS GONE by the time I made my way to the kitchen Friday morning. I was supposed to meet Ranger at eight o’clock. That meant I had to leave my apartment at seven-thirty at the latest. I wasn’t sure how to dress so I’d chosen dressy black jeans, a blue V-neck sweater, a black blazer, and black Skechers. It was one of my go-to outfits when I worked for Rangeman. I gave Rex fresh water and a couple hamster crunchies. I looked at my watch. It was seven-thirty. I grabbed my messenger bag and a frozen waffle and took off.
Ranger was waiting in his Cayenne, toward the back of the Mo Morris Ice Cream lot. I parked beside him, and we both got out to talk.
“How’s this going to happen?” I asked him. “I hear it’s impossible to get a job here. No one ever quits.”
“Morris is also interested in increasing security in his plant. He’s approached me to take a look. And he’s very vocal about playing no part in the problems across town. He’s agreed to let you come in undercover. All he asks is that he’s kept in the loop. He wants to know if we find hard proof that someone in his organization has gone to the dark side.”
“Does this mean I’m a double agent?”
“Think of yourself as an investigative operative.”
I thought the title was kind of fancy for someone who was probably going to be wearing a shower cap.
“How do I get started?” I asked Ranger.
“Park your car up front in visitor parking. Use the front entrance and ask at the reception desk for Vicky. She’ll be your inside contact. You’ll work the line today. Morris runs his plant six days a week, so Vicky will find a job for you tomorrow as well.”
“Did you ever find out who told Bogart about me and got me kicked out of the plant?”
“It was one of the women on the line. You went to school with her daughter and she knew you worked as a bounty hunter. She thought you were in there looking for a skip. Bogart was never comfortable with an undercover operative and used it as an excuse to get rid of you. Things should be different here. Morris was in favor of putting someone in place to look around.”
His watch buzzed, and he glanced at the message.
“I have to go,” Ranger said. “I’ll be in touch.”
He gave me a quick kiss and took off.
I licked my lips. I really was going to have to stop the Ranger kissing. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I got back into my car, drove to the front of the building, and parked in visitor parking.
The front of Morris’s plant was nicely landscaped with flower beds and shrubs. The grass was green and perfect. I looked more closely and saw that it was artificial. Fake grass, fake flowers, fake shrubs. I liked it. It gave the building a theme park quality.