My stomach hit the floor. What was the line here? How much were you supposed to tell a kid who wasn’t yours? What would Ella want him to know?
Luckily, I didn’t have to ponder long, because her SUV came tearing down the dirt drive next to my cabin. She threw on the brakes, and a dirt cloud puffed up around the tires. My heart lurched with anticipation. What the hell was I? Fifteen?
“Crap. She found me.”
“Hey,” I said softly.
He met my gaze, his nose and mouth all scrunched.
“Don’t swear.”
“Crap’s not a bad word,” he mumbled.
“Close enough. There’s always a better word to use, and I have a feeling your mom makes sure you’re educated enough to find them. Make her proud.”
His expression straightened, and he nodded solemnly.
“Besides, from the look on her face, you’re already in trouble,” I whispered.
“Colton Ryan MacKenzie!” Ella shouted as she strode toward us. “What on God’s green earth do you think you’re doing out here?”
I stood, and Havoc immediately backed to my side.
“Yeah,” Colt agreed, standing on the other side of Havoc. “Middle name means I get grounded,” he finished in a whisper.
Ella walked the rest of the path to the dock, fury emanating from her in waves. But on top of that fury was an ice-cold fear. I felt it as surely as if she’d brought a snowstorm with her. Her blond hair was loosely woven into a side braid that fell just over her vest, and those jeans…
I snapped my gaze back to hers, which was currently boring a hole into Colt.
“Well? What do you have to say for yourself? Taking your quad? Not telling anyone? Sitting here with a stranger? You scared me half to death!”
God, she was beautiful angry, which was about the only emotion I’d seen from her since I’d gotten here. Every time I’d bumped into her, she’d simply quirked up an eyebrow at me and said, “Mr. Gentry.” At least her anger was directed elsewhere at the moment.
“I have been background checked, security clearance and all,” I told her.
She shot me a glance that snapped my mouth shut and made me almost glad I’d never had a real mom. That look was the stuff of horror movies.
Colt’s eyes went impossibly wide, and he puckered his mouth to the side.
“Colt,” Ella warned, crossing her arms.
“He has a dog,” Colt said.
“And that gives you the right to not only intrude on a guest’s space but put yourself in danger? When I expressly told you not to bother Mr. Gentry?”
Ouch. Guess that explained why it had taken two weeks to meet Colt.
“He didn’t mind. He told me that she’s a job dog and she used to be a soldier. Just like him. You know, like Uncle Ryan.”
Ella’s face fell, a veil of sadness clouding her eyes. In that moment, I saw the weariness she’d written to me about. Sometimes it feels like the world is caving in, and I’m the only one in the center, my arms outstretched trying to brace it. And I’m just so tired, Chaos. I can’t help but wonder how long I can hold it before we’re all crushed under the weight. Letter number seventeen. I saw the woman who’d written the letters, who had captured me with nothing more than her words.
My fingers flexed with the need to pull her to me, to wrap my arms around her and tell her that I’d brace the world for as long as she needed. That was the entire reason I was here, to do whatever I could to ease her.
But I couldn’t say that, because while she may have let Chaos do that for her, may even have accepted his love, she wouldn’t let Beckett. And if she knew why I kept that secret…well, she’d probably bury me out there next to Ryan. God knew I’d already wished that fate upon myself a hundred times.
“And I’m sure he told you that he worked with Uncle Ryan?” Ella asked, her gaze flying to mine briefly with disapproval.
Ah, that was why she’d put me on the no-visit list.
Colt’s mouth dropped open, and he looked at me like I had some kind of superhero cape. “You did? You knew my uncle?”
“I did. He was the closest thing I had to a brother.” It was out before I could censor myself. “And no, I didn’t tell him, because I didn’t know if you’d want him to know,” I told Ella.
Her eyes slid shut for a second, and she sighed, so similar to Colt’s earlier motion, but not nearly as dramatic.
“I’m sorry for assuming,” she said softly. “And for his intrusion on your space. It won’t happen again.” That last part was aimed right at Colt.
He kicked slowly at the dirt beneath his feet.
“He didn’t bother me. In fact, it was an honor to meet you, Colt. If it’s okay with your mom, you’re always welcome to come visit Havoc. She really does love to play fetch, and I’m not sure if you noticed, but I’m getting kind of old to be throwing for her all the time.”
He rolled his eyes. “You’re not old.” He cocked his head to the side. “But until you know what you are, I’m not sure you’re a grown-up, either.”
“Colt!” Ella sputtered.
I laughed, and she looked at me like I had two heads.
“It’s okay,” I assured her. “I told him, since I’m retiring, I’m not really a soldier, and I’m not sure what that makes me at the moment besides a permanent vacationer.”
“I’m still surprised you’re getting out. In my experience, special ops guys serve until they kick or carry you out.”
“Well, I’m on terminal leave, so in forty-five days it will be official.”
Her guard dropped for a moment, her shoulders softening. She looked at me like it was the first time she’d really seen me, and it was there again, the thickening of the air between us, the connection we’d shared since our first letters.
But I knew what it was, and she didn’t.
“You’re getting out because…” Her head tilted, so much like Colt’s.
“You know why.”
She stepped toward me unconsciously, her eyes scanning mine, searching for something that I was desperate to hand over but couldn’t. “You said you left because your best friend died. You got out for Ryan,” she concluded.
“For you.” The moment it was out of my mouth I wanted to suck it back in, erase the last five seconds in a do-over. “Because of what he asked,” I tried to clarify, but the damage was done.
She retreated, her shoulders tense. Those walls came back up, cramming miles of distance in the few feet that separated us.
“I think we’ve bothered you enough today. Colt, say thank you to Mr. Gentry for not being a psycho kidnapper, and let’s go.”
“Thank you for not being a psycho kidnapper,” he repeated.
“Anytime, bud. Like I said, if it’s okay with your mom, you’re welcome to come see Havoc again. She likes you.” And it would probably do a little good to get him out of the house every now and then.
Hope lit up his face like Christmas morning. “Please, Mom? Please?”
“Seriously? You’re already grounded from your quad for this stunt, and now you’d like privileges to come spend time with a stranger?”
His gaze flickered sorrowfully to his quad, then back to Ella. “He’s not really a stranger, though. If Uncle Ryan was his brother, he’s kinda family.”
And there went my heart for the third flop.
Family was a word I didn’t use and didn’t have. Family meant commitment, people whom you depended on—who could depend on you. Family was an utterly foreign concept, even with the unique brotherhood within our unit.
“We’ll talk about this later, Colt,” Ella said, rubbing the soft skin between her eyes.
“Later you’re leaving!”
Well, if that didn’t abruptly change the mood.
“I’m not leaving until the day after tomorrow. Now, get in the car, Colt. We’ll—”
“Okay!” He gave Havoc another pat and then stomped off toward the truck.
“He seems a lot older than six.”
“Yeah. Until this year, the twins were only really ever around adults. A few kids here and there with guests, but they’re both basically six going on sixteen. I probably shouldn’t have sheltered them so much, but…” She shrugged.
I’m ridiculously overprotective of them, but I recognize it. Letter number one.