Troy: Why do you say that?
Aspyn: That fake obituary? LOL Do you expect people to take you seriously?
Troy: It was supposed to be FUNNY and clever. I thought you said you liked funny men, according to your boring-as-fuck bio.
Aspyn: If I’m so boring, why the hell did you swipe right on me?
Troy: Because I couldn’t get myself to swipe left. I felt bad for you. Let’s talk about your bio, though.
I looked up and screamed at the ceiling. My voice echoed throughout the house.
Aspyn: Let’s not.
Troy: Boring. As. Fuck. First off, though, a compliment: You look really hot in those photos. I barely recognized you.
I refused to acknowledge the chill that ran down my spine at his backhanded compliment. Instead, I typed again.
Aspyn: Nothing like immediately following up an insult with a compliment and then another insult.
Troy: It’s constructive criticism. I know you’re better than that bio. It was as if you copied and pasted it from some other boring-as-fuck profile.
Aspyn: There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s simple and to the point. You’re not supposed to write a dissertation—or an obituary.
Troy: But you’re not selling who you actually are.
Aspyn: I didn’t realize I was supposed to be “selling” myself. I have enough trouble on the app attracting losers without doing anything at all. Maybe I should intentionally remain boring to keep them away. Yeah, that’s a better idea.
Troy: Well, your photos are the bomb. So you’re gonna attract a fair share of men. But come on, put a little life into the other stuff.
Aspyn: I was embarrassed for you reading your profile.
Troy: Well, at least within my fake obituary lies the essence of who I am.
Aspyn: A buffoon? You’re correct.
Troy: Let me help you rewrite your bio.
I cackled and typed.
Aspyn: No, thank you.
Troy: Give me a sec.
Oh, Lord. What is this man doing right now?
Aspyn: You’re insufferable.
Several minutes passed with no response from Troy. I wasn’t sure what I was wishing for at this point. Did I want him to come back on and continue this conversation, or did I want him to disappear? A part of me was enjoying this. I couldn’t deny that. But I was annoyed at myself for sitting here like an idiot as I waited at the edge of my seat. So, I got up and made myself another pot of tea.
When I returned, nothing had come in. Yet still, like a dummy, I waited.
I immediately regretted not logging off when Troy’s next message finally popped up.
Troy: Here’s your new profile:
Aspyn, 29: I’m the girl who’ll key your car if you hurt the ones I love. And be very afraid if I bring you donuts, particularly Boston cream. You should be scared of me, but you haven’t stopped reading yet, have you? Because let’s face it, those first couple of lines intrigued you. They kept your attention, so you stopped scrolling. The truth is, I’m passionate, complex, and far from the boring cookie-cutter types you find yourself swiping left on. If you’re looking for a challenge, someone who’s not easily pleased, then I’m your girl. I run on black coffee and anything that tastes like dirt. Don’t bother bringing me chocolates, because I’ll throw them right back in your face. Here’s the thing, though. I might be tough to please, but I’m unique. And I’m worth the effort of getting to know me. You’ve probably read this far because you couldn’t take your eyes off my pictures. And the photos don’t even show the best part. Let’s just say they don’t call me ASS-pyn for nothing—so bootylicious and jiggly that Goofy looks like he’s laughing when I walk in my Disney scrubs at work. (All real, by the way.) No catfishing here. Hit me up and see if we match.
Several seconds passed as I sat with my jaw hanging open.
What in the ever-loving…
I finally typed.
Aspyn: I don’t even know what to say to this.
Troy: It’s better than yours, isn’t it?
Aspyn: I would never date any man who swiped right after reading that.
Troy: I would TOTALLY swipe right on this.
Aspyn: My point exactly. You’re deranged.
Troy: I hope you know I’m kidding!! Jesus Christ, I would never let you post that. I was just trying to be funny. Are you laughing at all? Even a little?
Aspyn: Maybe a TINY bit. But only because of how stupid it was.
Troy: Confession…
Aspyn: Do I really want to know?
Troy: I meant what I said about your butt. Hope that doesn’t offend you.
Aspyn: Offend me? No. But you can be sure that you will never see those Goofy scrubs again, Serrano. I may just have to burn them now that I know Goofy looks like he’s laughing when I walk. WTF?
Troy: Damn. I shouldn’t have said anything. Totally messed that up for myself.
Aspyn: That’s right, you did.
Troy: LOL. This is all in good fun. I don’t want you to hate me, Aspyn.
Aspyn: I never said I hated you. You’ve assumed that this whole time. But I never said that.
There was a pause in our interactions for a few minutes. Then he sent another text. But this one was different.
Troy: For some reason, it’s important to me to make things right with you. Like maybe you getting assigned to accompany me out with Nonno happened for a reason. It’s my chance to do something I never would have had the opportunity to do—make amends with someone I hurt in the past.
Aspyn: You owe me no charity, Troy. But I appreciate the sentiment.
Troy: It’s not charity. It’s more like CLARITY. I can see more clearly now the wrongs of my past. And I want to show you who I really am. Or who I think I am.
I sighed. We were both at fault for how we’d acted in high school.
Aspyn: Look, it took two to tango. I was no saint, either. So let’s move past it.
But he wouldn’t let up.
Troy: In order for you to believe I’ve changed, I need to prove I’m a better person than I was back then.
Aspyn: That’s not necessary.
Troy: It’s important to me.
Troy: Seriously. Let’s be friends.
Aspyn: What does that entail?
Troy: We can hang out sometime. Like grab a drink after the outings with Nonno.
I needed to be friends with Troy like I needed a hole in the head. But the thought of grabbing a drink with him sent an odd wave of excitement through me. And that was exactly why I had to nip this right in the bud.
I typed the response out fast, before I could change my mind.
Aspyn: I don’t think so.
Troy
The interesting thing about this whole situation was how much I loved arguing with Aspyn Dumont. I couldn’t remember a single thing I’d enjoyed more in recent years. She might not want anything to do with hanging out with me, but unfortunately for her, I could be very persistent.
Troy: I’m not above begging.