Vimes laid down the axe and picked up something else from the work rack. It was a knight in armour, about nine inches high. There was a key in its back. He turned it, and then nearly dropped the thing when the figure's legs started to move. He put it down, and it began to march stiffly across the floor, waving its sword.
'Moves a bit like Colon, don't it,' said Vimes. 'Clockwork!'
'It's the coming thing,' said Carrot. 'Mr Hammerhock was good at that.'
Vimes nodded. 'We're looking for anything that shouldn't be here,' he said. 'Or something that should be and isn't. Is there anything missing?'
'Hard to say, sir. It isn't here.'
'What?'
'Anything that's missing, sir,' said Carrot conscientiously.
'I mean,' said Vimes, patiently, 'anything not here which you'd expect to find.'
'Well, he's got – he had - all the usual tools, sir. Nice ones, too. Shame, really.'
'What is?'
'They'll be melted down, of course.'
Vimes stared at the neat racks of hammers and files.
'Why? Can't some other dwarf use them?'
'What, use another dwarf's actual tools?' Carrot's mouth twisted in distaste, as though someone had suggested he wear Corporal Nobbs' old shorts. 'Oh, no. that's not . . . right. I mean, they're . . . part of him. I mean . . . someone else using them, after he's used them all these years, I mean . . . urrgh.'
'Really?'
The clockwork soldier marched under the bench.
'It'd feel . . . wrong,' said Carrot. 'Er. Yukky.'
'Oh.' Vimes stood up.
'Capt—'
'Ow!'
'—mind your head. Sorry.'
Rubbing his head with one hand, Vimes used the other to examine the hole in the plaster.
'There's . . . something in here,' he said. 'Pass me one of those chisels.'
There was silence.
'A chisel, please. If it makes you feel any better, we are trying to find out who killed Mr Hammerhock. All right?'
Carrot picked one up, but with considerable reluctance.
'This is Mr Hammerhock's chisel, this is,' he said reproachfully.
'Corporal Carrot, will you stop being a dwarf for two seconds? You're a guard! And give me the damn chisel! It's been a long day! Thank you!'
Vimes prised at the brickwork, and a rough disc of lead dropped into his hand.
'Slingshot?' said Carrot.
'No room in here,' said Vimes. 'Anyway, how the hell could it get this far into the wall?'
He slipped the disc into his pocket.
'That seems about it, then,' he said, straightening up. 'We'd better – ow! – oh, fish out that clockwork soldier, will you? Better leave the place tidy.'
Carrot scrabbled in the darkness under the bench. There was a rustling noise.
'There's a piece of paper under here, sir.'
Carrot emerged, waving a small yellowing sheet. Vimes squinted at it.
'Looks like nonsense to me,' he said, eventually. 'It's not dwarfish, I know that. But these symbols – these things I've seen before. Or something like them.' He passed the paper back to Carrot. 'What can you make of it?'
Carrot frowned. 'I could make a hat,' he said, 'or a boat. Or a sort of chrysanthemum—'
'I mean the symbols. These symbols, just here.'
'Dunno, captain. They do look familiar, though. Sort of . . . like alchemists' writing?'
'Oh, no!' Vimes put his hands over his eyes. 'Not the bloody alchemists! Oh, no! Not that bloody gang of mad firework merchants! I can take the Assassins, but not those idiots! No! Please! What time is it?'
Carrot glanced at the hourglass on his belt. 'About half past eleven, captain.'
'Then I'm off to bed. Those clowns can wait until tomorrow. You could make me a happy man by telling me that this paper belonged to Hammerhock.'
'Doubt it, sir.'
'Me too. Come on. Let's go out through the back door.'
Carrot squeezed through.
'Mind your head, sir.'
Vimes, almost on his knees, stopped and stared at the doorframe.
'Well, corporal,' he said eventually, 'we know it wasn't a troll that did it, don't we? Two reasons. One, a troll couldn't get through this door, it's dwarf sized.'
'What's the other reason, sir?'
Vimes carefully pulled something off a splinter on the low door lintel.
'The other reason, Carrot, is that trolls don't have hair.'
The couple of strands that had been caught in the grain of the beam were red and long. Someone had left them there inadvertently. Someone tall. Taller than a dwarf, anyway.
Vimes peered at them. They looked more like threads than hair. Fine red threads. Oh, well. A clue was a clue.
He carefully folded them up in a scrap of paper borrowed from Carrot's notebook, and handed them to the corporal.
'Here. Keep this safe.'
They crawled out into the night. There was a narrow, plank walkway attached to the walls, and beyond that was the river.
Vimes straightened up carefully.
'I don't like this, Carrot,' he said. 'There's something bad underneath all this.'
Carrot looked down.
'I mean, there are hidden things happening,' said Vimes, patiently.
'Yes, sir.'
'Let's get back to the Yard.'
They proceeded to the Brass Bridge, quite slowly, because Carrot cheerfully acknowledged everyone they met. Hard-edged ruffians, whose normal response to a remark from a Watchman would be genteelly paraphrased by a string of symbols generally found on the top row of a typewriter's keyboard, would actually smile awkwardly and mumble something harmless in response to his hearty, 'Good evening, Masher! Mind how you go!'
Vimes stopped halfway across the bridge to light his cigar, striking a match on one of the ornamental hippos. Then he looked down into the turbid waters.
'Carrot?'
'Yes, captain?'
'Do you think there's such a thing as a criminal mind?'
Carrot almost audibly tried to work this out.
'What . . . you mean like . . . Mr Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler, sir?'
'He's not a criminal.'
'You have eaten one of his pies, sir?'
'I mean . . . yes . . . but . . . he's just geographically divergent in the financial hemisphere.'
'Sir?'
'I mean he just disagrees with other people about the position of things. Like money. He thinks it should all be in his pocket. No, I meant—' Vimes closed his eyes, and thought about cigar smoke and flowing drink and laconic voices. There were people who'd steal money from people. Fair enough. That was just theft. But there were people who, with one easy word, would steal the humanity from people. That was something else.
The point was. . . well, he didn't like dwarfs and trolls. But he didn't like anyone very much. The point was that he moved in their company every day, and he had a right to dislike them. The point was that no fat idiot had the right to say things like that.
He stared at the water. One of the piles of the bridge was right below him; the Ankh sucked and gurgled around it. Debris – baulks of timber, branches, rubbish – had piled up in a sort of sordid floating island. There was even fungus growing on it.
What he could do with right now was a bottle of Bearhugger's. The world swam into focus when you looked at it through the bottom of a bottle.
Something else swam into focus.
Doctrine of signatures, thought Vimes. That's what the herbalists call it. It's like the gods put a 'Use Me' label on plants. If a plant looks like a part of the body, it's good for ailments peculiar to that part. There's teethwort for teeth, spleenwort for . . . spleens, eyebright for eyes . . . there's even a toadstool called Phallus impudicus, and I don't know what that's for but Nobby is a big man for mushroom omelettes. Now . . . either that fungus down there is exactly the medicine for hands, or . . .
Vimes sighed.
'Carrot, can you go and get a boathook, please?'
Carrot followed his gaze.
'Just to the left of that log, Carrot.'
'Oh, no!'
'I'm afraid so. Haul it out, find out who he was, make out a report for Sergeant Colon.'
The corpse was a clown. Once Carrot had climbed down the pile and moved the debris aside, he floated face up, a big sad grin painted on his face.
'He's dead!'
'Catching, isn't it?'
Vimes looked at the grinning corpse. Don't investigate. Keep out of it. Leave it to the Assassins and bloody Quirke. These are your orders.
'Corporal Carrot?'
'Sir?'
These are your orders . . .
Well, damn that. What did Vetinari think he was? Some kind of clockwork soldier?
'We're going to find out what's been going on here.'
'Yes, sir!'
'Whatever else happens. We're going to find out.'
The river Ankh is probably the only river in the universe on which the investigators can chalk the outline of the corpse.
'Dear Sgt Colon,
'I hope you are well. The weather is Fine. This is a corpse who, we fished out of the river last night but, we don't know who he is except he is a member of the Fools' Guild called Beano. He has been seriously hit on the back of the head and has been stuck under the bridge for some time, he is not a Pretty sight. Captain Vimes says to find out things. He says he thinks it is mixed up with the Murder of Mr Hammerhock. He says talk to the Fools. He says Do It. Also please find attached Piece of Paper. Captain Vimes says, try it out on the Alchemists—'
Sergeant Colon stopped reading for a while to curse all alchemists.
'—because it is Puzzling Evidence. Hoping this finds you in Good Health, Yours Faithfully, Carrot Ironfoundersson, (Cpl).'