Jess blinked hard against images of Zoe that final night and her regret that she had ever left her sister’s side. ‘You have nothing to feel guilty about, Ben. Nothing to seek forgiveness for.’ She thought about Lily standing outside Zoe’s bedroom door that morning and her determination to stop Jess venturing inside. All these years she had hated herself for not doing more – for not pushing Lily aside and forcing her way in – as though perhaps, if she had, she might have been able to save her twin’s life.
‘But that’s not the end of it. I wish to God it was, but it’s not. You know how people say that tragedies either bring families closer together or tear them apart? I didn’t just lose Zach in that explosion. I lost Erin and Nicole too. It was all my own fault. I pushed them away. They did all the things grieving families are supposed to do, but I just couldn’t cope with it. I couldn’t cope with their grief on top of my own. I left four months after the funeral and I didn’t see Erin for five years. It’s inexcusable, I know. There were phone calls, emails, cards, but that was it. But after the concert at the Albert Hall – after your mum told me how ill she was and still she got on that stage and sang – I realised I had to make things better. I couldn’t waste any more time. When I first got back, I didn’t have any hope that Erin might let me back in her life. I wasn’t sure Nicole would even allow me to see her. I’m not suggesting for a second it’s been easy, but we’re getting there, slowly. Erin’s beginning to forgive me, and I can honestly say it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever had. And it’s within your power to give your mum that forgiveness too. It’s completely up to you.’
Ben raised his head and turned to Jess, his face washed of all colour. Jess let the story settle in her mind, let it adjust to being in the outside world.
‘Do you know, I’ve not told that story to anyone in five years? Usually I run a mile if there’s any chance of someone finding out. But I suppose the reason I’m telling you now is that I want you to see that even when you’re convinced relationships are beyond repair there’s always hope.’
Jess thought about her mum and Lily in Central Park, no doubt discussing what a terrible mess her misunderstanding had made of their lives. She pulled at the cuticle of her little finger, watched the skin rip away from the nail leaving behind a bright pink sore. ‘It’s all very well me worrying about how I’m going to forgive my mum. But what about Lily forgiving me? How’s she ever going to do that given the way I’ve treated her?’
‘I know it’s hard. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But there’s always a chance of reconciliation. You just have to be honest enough to want it and brave enough to pursue it.’
They fell silent and Jess’s eyes roamed the lobby until they settled on a figure she wasn’t yet ready to see. ‘Shit, there’s Lily. Do you think she’s spotted me? I can’t talk to her yet.’
Ben followed her gaze to where Lily was standing by the staircase, scrolling through something on her phone. ‘Of course you can. The sooner you two start talking the sooner you can begin to repair the damage.’
‘Unless she really doesn’t want to speak to me again.’
‘Well, you won’t find out unless you try, will you?’
Jess looked again to where Lily was standing, her eyes narrowing with uncertainty, before turning back to Ben. ‘I really am sorry for dumping all this on you. You just caught me at a really bad time. I’m not always like this, honestly.’
‘Don’t be silly. There’s no need to apologise. I’m glad I happened to be here when you needed to offload.’
There was a pause and Jess felt herself rush to speak before she knew what she was going to say. ‘You know I’m here with Mum for a few days? Maybe … I don’t know … maybe we could get a coffee or something before I head back? I can fill you in on the latest episode of my family drama.’ She gave a short, tentative laugh, felt heat flush her cheeks.
‘I’d really like that. How about I give you a call here at the hotel tomorrow morning – around nine? We can make a plan then.’
‘That’d be great. And thank you – for listening, I mean, and for the wise advice. I’m sorry for snivelling all over your shoulder. The other guests here must think we’re a couple in the midst of some awful break-up or something.’
They smiled and said goodbye, and as Jess crossed the marble-floored lobby towards Lily, she tried to think of all the ways the members of her family might yet be able to forgive one another.
Chapter 64
Lily
Lily looked up in time to see Jess walking across the lobby towards her, to see her sister wipe the palms of her hands on the back of her jeans, to catch the hesitation before the question.
‘Where’s Mum?’
Their eyes met only briefly and Lily couldn’t be sure which of them had looked away first.
‘She wanted a bit of time by herself. She’s walking back through the park. She wanted …’ The words floundered in Lily’s throat, choked by the strangeness of standing next to her sister, just the two of them, for the first time in decades. ‘Do you want to … get a drink or something?’ She felt heat rise into her cheeks, was aware of the seconds stretching incalculably as she waited for Jess to reply.
Her sister glanced up just long enough for Lily to catch the relief – or was it doubt? – that skimmed across her face. Lily wasn’t sufficiently schooled in Jess’s expressions to be able to read it. But then Jess nodded, and before she had a chance to change her mind, Lily led the way into a room with wood-panelled walls, parquet flooring and rose-petal lighting. The bar was busy and she headed for an empty table in the corner. She sat down, Jess opposite, feeling like a little girl on a play date, uncertain as to who should take the lead, which toys they should play with, which game should begin.
She thought about her mum’s last words to her in the park: I just want you two to be sisters again. Can you try and do that for me?
As Lily tried to work out how to restart a conversation that had fallen silent years ago, she realised that there were so many ways to begin, yet no way of knowing which might lead to the right ending. ‘How are you feeling?’ The question felt strange in Lily’s mouth, as though her brain and her voice box had conspired to let it out without asking her first.
Jess glanced up at her – fleeting, furtive – then looked back down at the table, tearing at the corner of a paper napkin. ‘I’m not sure. Confused. Angry. Humiliated. Take your pick.’
Neither spoke for a moment, a carousel of recent memories revolving in Lily’s head: Daniel and the redhead and the new baby Lily would have given anything to be her own; the tone of Jess’s hatred as she’d finally voiced an accusation so much wilder than anything Lily had ever imagined; her mum’s expression as she’d turned to Lily, realising that Lily had known all along.
‘I just hate the fact that everyone else knew the truth about how Zoe died and I didn’t. Why didn’t you tell me?’ Jess’s voice was quiet, just the lightest ripple on the surface to hint at the rip current beneath.
Lily thought about all the times she’d yearned to confide in her sister. All those evenings in the office, staring at a computer screen in lieu of facing her memories. All those early mornings in the gym, pounding her feet on a treadmill in an effort to pummel thoughts from her head. All those nights lying awake next to Daniel, wishing she could creep downstairs and call Jess to describe the scene that had haunted her for years. Somewhere in Lily’s mind there had always been a parallel life, one in which she had told Jess the truth and, in doing so, had cemented a bond between them.
‘When should I have told you? I couldn’t have told you at the time: you were only ten. It was bad enough for me knowing and I was fifteen. It would have completely destroyed you. And by the time you were old enough to know, you weren’t speaking to me any more. I tried, Jess. I tried to have a relationship with you but you didn’t want to know.’ Frustration spilled from Lily’s voice and she stopped herself before the rift between them deepened.