I shake my head, but he doesn’t stop talking.
‘It won’t have to mean a thing but in name,’ he says, like it is a struggle getting the words out. ‘We can be the same as we are now. Like friends. And you can live your life as you see fit, and so can I—but I’ll be—I’ll be a father for your child, I’ll give you the protection of a husband.’
That’s what does it, that’s what sets off the bird flapping panic wings in my chest.
I think about me and Jeremiah’s honeymoon, Jeremiah curled at my back, his breath against the nape of my neck, his fingers tracing lace across my collar. It is like a fresh-scabbed wound I am testing to see how much it still hurts.
‘You’ve got a good heart and I thank you kindly for offering, but I don’t want to be wife to somebody else,’ I say.
‘I know who you are,’ Will says, still staring at me. ‘You know what I am. We can help each other—Friendship is more than plenty of men get from their wives.’
‘There’s better things for you than taking me and a baby on, and I don’t want to keep you from what you’ve got coming,’ I say, thinking he don’t know what he is offering.
‘But I’m trying to give you a safe place!’ Will says it loud before starting again, more quiet, ‘I’m trying to be a good friend, give you somewhere to go if you want it, to help you. If you want to live like a lily of the field, I can’t stop you, but the Lord sayeth, “If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger.” Maybe this is my way to do what’s right.’
Maybe if I were smart, I would take the life he is offering. Will is taking care of me and if it ain’t love, it is still something. But something ain’t enough. I stare out into the dusk and wonder what my best life is now.
WILL WON’T LET me alone.
‘If you won’t take my offer, you’ve got to go to Captain,’ he says. ‘Or I will.’
I only let him pull me away from the ridge, from that pretty farm, because I can’t see any other way.
The nerves wash right out of me when I see Jennie Chalmers there outside Captain’s tent, sitting beside Captain, clasping his hand, leaning her head against his shoulder. Seeing the two of them like that, Captain with his free arm around Jennie’s shoulders, looking down at her like she is some angel from Heaven, I turn myself right back around. But it is too late.
‘Ross!’ Jennie calls, jumping to her feet, startling Captain and making his face go serious. It is a good thing I aim to tell Captain everything, the way she’s acting.
Will pushes me forward, stands at my back.
‘I’ve only just arrived,’ Jennie says. ‘Captain Chalmers hasn’t had time to tell me—I’m so glad you’re—but however are you?’
I can’t do a thing but shake my head and her hands go to her mouth.
‘Private Stone—’ Captain nods, working up to telling me I have been inappropriate and disruptive, but there is never going to be a good time for what it is I have to say.
‘Sir—I—there’s something I’ve got to—something that needs telling.’
Jennie moves closer, comes to my side. All my breath comes out of me and the words too.
‘I ain’t what you think,’ I say. Captain’s piercing eyes move across my face, but his mouth stays closed. I swallow but my mouth is so dry my tongue sticks to myself. I try to say what I ain’t had to tell anyone before.
‘I ain’t supposed to be here. I ain’t a man,’ I say, looking at Jennie. Captain stays sitting there on his folding chair, his brow furrowed.
I have done something so stupid I must be touched in the head. I can’t tell him the whole of it.
Behind me, Will whispers, ‘Go on,’ and that sends Jennie to her husband’s side. She puts her hand on his shoulder. He don’t say a thing, but something about her touch takes the edge out of him. When Jennie gives me a nod, I keep talking.
‘My name ain’t really Ross. My folks call me Rosetta. Jeremiah was my husband.’
Captain looks at me like he ain’t ever really seen me before, harder than he looked at me back when I enlisted. ‘Private Stone,’ he says, his voice making me start, ‘this is most irregular—’
‘Only I ain’t got Jeremiah no more and now—’ A gust of wind comes, blows smoke from the fire in a swirl. I gulp a breath. ‘Sir, I’ve got a baby coming.’ I say it quick, staring at Jennie’s hand on Captain’s shoulder. ‘I ain’t ever planned to do a thing but follow the term of my enlistment, and I am grateful to this Army for giving me a life with my husband, but I can’t see a way to stay with the Regiment and keep Jeremiah’s baby safe.’
‘You admit you are an impostor, then?’ Captain says, and ain’t none of this going right.
‘Sir, I ain’t ever done a thing but my duty—’
‘This is grounds for a dishonorable discharge,’ Captain says.