Have you ever considered how much of your current life is truly made up of your choices and which areas are really just the things that were expected of you?
I was raised knowing that I would get married and have children . . . and quickly. In my small hometown, most of the girls I went to high school with had their first child by the time they were nineteen. When I had my first son at twenty-four I was practically ancient.
Twenty. Four.
What in the actual world? In retrospect that seems incredibly young to me. The idea of one of my kids having a baby by twenty-four makes me start to hyperventilate. There’s so much life to live, so many things to see, so much you don’t know about yourself yet at that age. I can’t say that I’d change anything about when I got married or when I had babies, because that would mean I wouldn’t have the children I have now. But the older I get the more I become aware that I was raised thinking that my real value was based on the role I would play for other people. After all, being deemed a good wife or a good mother or daughter is rarely based on how true you are to yourself.
Nobody is standing around after church on Sunday saying, “There goes Becca. You know she’s devoted to self-care. What a good mama.” Or, “Oh, look! Tiffany is training for her next half marathon. Look at all those hours she’s putting into getting strong. What a good wife!” If those conversations are happening, it’s nowhere near where I grew up. No, where I was raised women are taught that to be a good woman you need to be good for other people. If your kids are happy, then you’re a good mom. If your husband is happy, you’re a good wife. How about a good daughter, employee, sister, friend? All of your value is essentially wrapped up in other people’s happiness. How can anyone successfully navigate that for a lifetime? How can anyone dream of more? How can anyone follow their what if, if they need someone else to approve of it first?
It’s no wonder so many mothers send me notes telling me they’ve lost themselves. Of course they have! If you live your life to please everyone else, you forget what used to make you you. And what if you haven’t found your partner yet or don’t have a desire for children? Are you just a waste of a woman because there’s no one else for you to be good for?
No. Of course not. You are a being with your own hopes and desires and goals and dreams. Some are little tiny ones (“I want to write poetry”) and some are massive (“I want to create a million-dollar company”), but all of them are yours and they are valuable simply because you are valuable. You are allowed to want more for yourself for no other reason than because it makes your heart happy. You don’t need anyone’s permission, and you certainly shouldn’t have to rely on anyone’s support as the catalyst to get you there.
Unfortunately, many women struggle with what others might think of the goals they have for themselves. So instead of chasing them, they let their dreams die. Or they pursue them in secret or, worse, with a nagging sense of having failed those around them because they’re doing something for themselves instead of everyone else. They live under guilt and shame and fear. What if stops being an ember of possibility in their hearts and becomes a litany of recriminations in their heads. What if I fail? What if they laugh? What if I waste my time? What if this makes them mad? What if they think I’m greedy? What if I’m losing all this time with my family for nothing?
When we stay in this place, fear runs our lives and prevents us from moving forward, even to the smallest degree. We may live with a massive fear of failure and a major perfectionist complex. Or we may be afraid because other people have already achieved what we’re considering, so, what’s the point? Or maybe we’re afraid of embarrassment, of falling off the wagon (again). Or we worry we’re not smart enough, pretty enough, young enough, old enough . . . so many possible ways we’re not enough.
As women, we’ve had a lifetime of lies fueling our fears. We’ve had a lifetime of believing that our value lies primarily in our ability to make other people happy. We are afraid of so many things when it comes to our dreams, but the biggest fear is of being judged for having them in the first place.
I call BS.
It’s about time someone did. I call BS to that lie in my own life, and I absolutely call it on your behalf as well.
At the beginning of every single year, I sit down and think of what the overarching theme will be for my work. I try to come up with a message for you, for my tribe, for this group of women that hangs out with me online. When I began writing this book, I asked myself what I wanted to say to you as women and sisters and daughters and friends and single ladies. What I wished you knew. And the answer that flowed out of my heart came from my what if spark.
If I could tell you anything, if I could convince you to believe it, it’s that you were made for more. You were made to have the dreams you’re afraid of having. You were made to do the things you don’t think you’re qualified for. You were made to be a leader. You were made to contribute. You were made to make changes for good, both in your local community and the world at large. You were made to be more than you are today and—this is the important part—your version of more might not look like my more, or hers.
For you, maybe more looks like finally signing up for the 10K. For someone else more might look like making strides to change the way she eats in order to be healthier. For someone else more might look like going back to school. For someone else more might look like getting out of the relationship with the person who is unkind and hurtful and cruel. More might look like not going back to the toxic relationship merry-go-round again and again and again. For someone else more might look like being kinder to herself. Maybe more is more time and rest. Maybe more is controlling your temper by counting to ten before you scream at your kids. Maybe more is getting in control of your emotions or more therapy or more water or more believing that you are capable of greatness or more not worrying what someone else thinks about you.
Made for more is the definition of you, and your desire for more is not something to be ashamed of! Our potential—the potential that resides in every single one of us—is our gift from our creator. What you do with that potential is your gift back to the rest of the world. The worst thing I can imagine is that you might die with that potential still untapped inside of you. And so I wrote this book, of the former Demi Lovato title, as encouragement, as a field guide, and also as the wind that fans the flames of your what if spark so that it turns into a wildfire.
Why?
Because the world needs your spark. The world needs your energy. The world needs you to show up for your life and take hold of your potential! We need your ideas. We need your love and care. We need your passion. We need your business models. We need to celebrate your successes. We need to watch you rise back up after your failures. We need to see your courage. We need to hear your what if. We need you to stop apologizing for being who you are and become who you were meant to be.