Here’s the deal. There are two kinds of negative opinions: substantiated and hearsay. Substantiated means that you know for sure the negative opinion is there. Someone tells you the things they don’t like about you—straight up to your face, like a Drake song. Maybe they’re family, maybe they’re friends, maybe they’re random strangers on the internet. These kinds of substantiated opinions are delivered two possible ways. Just follow me down this flow chart. I promise we’re going somewhere.
The first possible presentation of a negative opinion is thoughtful and kind. It’s given to you by someone who cares about you, and they’re concerned about a choice that you’re making. But even when their heart is in the right place, there’s a lot of nuance here. Is this really about you? Or is their concern grounded in their perception that what you’re doing is wrong? Remember our conversation about other people’s perceptions of what’s shameful? Please see my OPO Flow Chart for how to proceed here.
The other way you might possibly hear someone’s negative opinion about you is in a hurtful way. This is when whoever is offering the opinion—family member, friend, stranger—doesn’t come with the intent to offer constructive feedback or to help you get better or to show you true concern. Their intent is to tease you and belittle you at best or tear you down and hurt you at worst. Either way, ain’t nobody got time for that! This person’s behavior does not have a place in your life.
Let me say it again: this behavior doesn’t have a place in your life.
I don’t care if it’s coming from your sister or your mom or your boyfriend. Nobody deserves verbal and mental abuse, and every time you allow it to happen you’re giving that person permission to treat you that way. You are not required to put up with it just because you always have.
To recap, we’ve got two kinds of negative substantiated opinions. The first comes from a place of love, so you’re going to be a grown-up and consider it but not accept it as gospel truth unless it feels right to you. The second isn’t meant to be helpful but destructive, and therefore you should reject it. Reject it! Don’t let it be considered, discussed, absorbed, or given one single particle of oxygen to help that fire spread. Any opinion not presented in love should not be considered. Period.
Which brings me to the second kind of negative opinion about you. The hearsay. The figment of your imagination—no matter how likely it may be—the negativity that you’ve made up all on your own. Eleanor Roosevelt told us that nobody could make us feel bad without our consent. I’m going to add to that. Be very careful you’re not consenting to let your mind make you feel bad when nobody else actually did anything. What do I mean by that?
Perhaps you’re pretty sure your mother-in-law disapproves of you. Or you’re almost positive that your cousin Crystal’s snarky comment on Facebook was aimed in your direction. Maybe you know for a fact that the girls you went to high school with who you now know only through social media would make fun of you if they saw you trying to do something new. In all of these instances, none of these negative opinions are actually substantiated, and therefore, you’re really just sabotaging yourself.
Nobody has said anything. Nobody has done anything. Maybe your new mother-in-law does disapprove of you, and maybe she just misses her son and feels anxious about how she’ll fit into your life. Maybe your cousin Crystal was aiming that comment in your direction, but you and I both know that Crystal is the worst! She used to give you titty twisters—this is the person whose opinion you’re going to worry about?
The irony is, most of the time, nobody is actually thinking about you. Nobody actually cares what you’re up to, and if they do they’re not judging you or making fun of you behind your back. It’s not like you hang out with a bunch of ogres, right?
And if they do dislike you, it doesn’t matter. It. Doesn’t. Matter. But more than that, assuming that someone thinks the worst of you when you have no real evidence to back that up isn’t about them—it’s about you. You’re letting their opinion control your life, and you don’t even know if they really have one! It’s all in your own thoughts. You’re just wrapping it up and blaming it on other people so you don’t have to take responsibility.
The truth is, it doesn’t matter what they think of you; it matters what you think of you. Hard as it is to reconcile, someone else’s opinion only holds power if you allow it to. If you actively take steps and intentionally begin to live without obsessing over what other people think, it will be the most freeing decision of your life.
EXCUSE 9:
GOOD GIRLS DON’T HUSTLE
I’m a hustler, baby.
—JAY-Z
Don’t you hate it when an author starts a chapter with a quote? As a longtime book nerd, I have read approximately seventy thousand novels, and the quote thing has always felt a little self-aggrandizing to me. Like, “Oh, just read this elegant prose from Tennyson, and prepare yourself for a similar level of talent!” It’s even more annoying when the quote in question has literally nothing to do with the chapter you’re reading.
No. Thing.
And you find yourself wondering, Is this esoteric? Am I supposed to understand the correlation between a Whitman quote and this dragon-shapeshifter love story? You would be shocked to know how many books about vampires falling in love with single moms or aliens falling in love with librarians start each chapter with a random quote.
Yes, I read horrendously cheesy romance novels. Stop judging me.
The point is, I hate chapters starting with quotes.
But this chapter was a bonus in the last book—shout-out to all of you who snagged the Hustler’s Edition!—and I loved it so much and felt like it was such an important topic that it gave me the idea to write this book, so we’re going to start with the most iconic line on hustling I can think of. A Jay-Z lyric.
A bonus chapter is like Equestria or a Kardashian birthday party—anything can happen here. So I’m bringing in Jay-Z lyrics just for my gals who are chasing down a dream, who want something more and aren’t afraid of hard work and audacious goals!
Let’s talk about hustle.
I have been an overachiever for as long as I can remember. I was a dreamer from the very beginning. I would imagine elaborate scenarios my future grown-up self would be part of. I knew what my mansion would look like, could foresee the vacations I’d take, the prince I’d marry, and the horses I’d own. Horses because, well, I was seven and having my own horse was the ultimate fantasy. I was going to name her Calliope, and I’d only ride her wearing the special tan pants that rich, equestrian-inclined girls wore in Lifetime movies circa 1991.
A little girl daydreaming isn’t anything unique, but perhaps what was unique was I knew even then that I could achieve anything—if I was willing to work for it.
I don’t remember anyone ever saying that to me. Maybe I just understood it through observation and osmosis. When you grow up in a home that struggles financially, it doesn’t bother you until you’re exposed to the opposite. I realized at a very young age that there were people who didn’t live paycheck to paycheck, who didn’t scream at each other over money, who could walk into Target and buy anything they wanted.