Anyway, she admitted how long they went on like that, how often they met up, what she was feeling, why she did it. And when she confessed, so did I.
I told her I had known for some time. I told her that you and I had been exchanging letters and had become close during this bizarre time. I shared some of our letters as well.
There was no confession left to be made by the end of the night. Or I should say wee hours of the morning. Janet and Ken are through. And there are no more lies living in our marriage anymore.
Janet told me this morning that she wants to stay together, and she asked me point-blank if I thought that she and I could get past this.
It was a difficult question to answer. I kept thinking of you, to be honest. What you have shown me, how much I look forward to seeing you. You have come to mean so much to me.
But if I ask myself whether I believe I can one day forgive the mother of my children and begin to trust her again, the answer that I keep coming to is yes. I believe that I can.
And if I find that I can’t, I still have to try. I want nothing as much as I want to live in the same home as my sons, to see them every morning, to say good night to them every night, as they grow into men. I want the future I had hoped for.
I told Janet that I am not quite ready to forgive her, but I do feel ready to work to get there. And that, right now, is enough of a start for both of us. We believe we can put this thing back together.
As for the details of the end of their relationship and the trip over the Fourth, Janet has told me the full story. And then she showed me Ken’s last letters.
From what Janet says, she and Ken spent the Fourth of July in Newport Beach. They made plans to contact divorce attorneys and made some decisions about where they would live and what kind of custody she would request of the boys. It was all but settled.
As they were getting ready to leave, Ken went to pay the bill, and Janet went over to the convenience store next to the hotel and grabbed a drink and a sandwich for the ride home. When she paid, she realized she was a penny short, and so she grabbed one from the “Leave a Penny, Take a Penny” tray. She said it was brand-new, not a scratch on it. It was bright and shiny, exactly the kind I’ve always loved. And as she held the penny in her hand, she realized she couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen me pick one up.
She couldn’t remember the last time either of us had taken a second of joy for ourselves.
Janet says that is when she realized that our broken marriage had hurt both of us. That I must be hurting, too.
She says she understood, in that moment, that what she wanted more than anything wasn’t a life with a new man but our life back.
As she said this to me, she said, “I could never get back what we had by marrying him. I can only get that back by staying with you.”
When your husband came to find her, she told him it was over.
Apparently, they fought pretty loudly in the parking lot. But there was no changing Janet’s mind. She says she drove home and never looked back.
As for Ken’s letters, this is where I find myself at a crossroads. Are you sure you want to know everything?
Janet did not want me to send these, but I told her that I have this last remaining loyalty to you, and she understands. And so, I have included them here. All I ask is this: please do not read them if you are happy, Carrie. I know that is quite a lot to ask of a person, but I know you have the strength to hold back and protect yourself. You have been doing that for all these months.
Protect your happiness at all costs.
If he is what you want, put these pages down and choose to be happy. And if he is not what you want, maybe you should leave him without even reading them.
I know that’s quite some advice coming from me, but I know you, Carrie Ann Allsop. I know your heart. You underestimate your strength. You always have.
You have changed me for the rest of my life, and if I had to go through all this, I’m lucky to have gone through it with you. You will be in my heart forever.
Take care of yourself.
You deserve only the best.
All my love,
David
July 6, 1977
Los Angeles, California My Sweet Janet, You cannot possibly mean the things that you say. We are not over! We could never be over. We are meant to be. You are just scared because this is all becoming so real, but it is real, my love.
Leave him.
I will leave Carrie in a heartbeat. She is not you, has not meant to me in ten years what you have come to mean to me in a matter of months.
Just write me back, answer my calls, and we can start our lives together.
Love, Your Ken
July 13, 1977
Encino, California Janet, Please reconsider.
Please.
I know you told me to go back to my wife, but all I can see when I look at her is my dissatisfaction.
You are the only one for me.
I can get away on August 8. I have a consult in Palm Springs. Meet me there, please. Tell me you will meet me there. Give us one last chance together.
Love,
Your Ken
August 10, 1977
Palm Springs, California Janet, I brought Carrie with me here to Palm Springs after you spurned me. I think I was hoping we’d have a lovely time together and I’d send you a gloating postcard about how much better off I am without you. But . . . I cannot do it. Even now, when I am trying, Carrie is not half the woman you are.
Janet, you have destroyed me.
I wanted you to bear my children. I saw the family we could make. I believed I could have a life with you that I cannot have with Carrie.
Look, I know that there were some things I said that were inappropriate. I was upset when you broke things off. I said things I didn’t mean. I admit that it is true that there were women before you, and if you and I truly are over, then I have no reason to become monogamous. As I’ve told you, I find it incongruous with our innate human nature. But, Janet, don’t you understand? That just speaks to how much I love you, how serious I have been about you. I was willing to give that all up for you, for you and only you.
That is how much I love you, how rare of a woman I believe you to be.
It is not easy to let you go. But I understand that you have made your decision, and it is one I have to live with.
If ever you change your mind, my sweet Janet, please write to me.
I am forever yours.
Love,
Ken
September 16, 1977
Encino, California Dear Mr. Rosenthal, As discussed in our meeting last Tuesday, enclosed please find all the letters I have in my possession that were exchanged between my husband, Dr. Kenneth Allsop, and Mrs. Janet Mayer over the last year.
My hope is that this serves as sufficient evidence of the affair.
I think the plan should be just as you said. We should aim to take him for “all that he is worth.”
Sincerely,
Carrie Allsop
April 30, 1978
Boston, Massachusetts
Dear David,
Thank you for sending me Ken’s letters last year. I am sorry that I never responded to you. I wasn’t ready until now.
I am writing to you from the apartment over the garage of my parents’ house.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. After reading your letter, as well as Ken’s letters, I spent two weeks going along with all his romantic overtures. I cannot say for certain why I did this. The truth was that I knew I had to leave him the moment I read his letters. But I suppose it has taken me too long in my life to find my courage. And apparently I needed an extra two weeks to summon its full passion.
We were out to dinner at an Italian restaurant when I suddenly couldn’t bear it any longer. He was in the middle of ordering minestrone soup, and I simply said, “I’m leaving you.” And then I threw my napkin onto the table, took the keys out of his jacket pocket, and walked out. I made him walk home.
I could no longer live in a marriage of such disrespect. That is what it had always been, I realized. Even when I thought he was faithful.