“Yes, you can.”
“I just don’t know who I am anymore. Without Samuel, do I even exist?” she asked me.
How odd was that? Hearing my mother repeat all the same questions I’d asked myself. “You probably exist more in this moment than you ever have in all your life. You’ll be surprised by all the things you learn about your heart and how it beats. And if you need to get away, you can come stay with me for as long as necessary. I have a spare room.”
“You’d do that for me?” she questioned, her voice cracking as if my offer stunned her.
“Oh, Mama.” I pulled her into a hug and held on tight. “I’d do anything for you.”
She inhaled deeply and exhaled slow. “Small breaths,” she whispered.
“Yes,” I replied. “Just take small breaths.”
51
Jackson
As far as I knew, Dad had been able to stay away from the bottle. I was thankful for that, too. I never wanted to see him in that shape ever again. I’d never been so terrified in my life.
On Thursday afternoon, I walked over to the auto shop, and I felt a knot in my stomach as I looked up at Dad on a ladder as he hammered away at the Mike’s Auto Shop sign in front of the building.
“Dad, what the hell are you doing?” I asked walking over to him.
“Closing shop,” he replied.
“What? What do you mean closing shop?”
“That’s exactly what I mean.” The sign dropped to the ground with one more hit, and then Dad started climbing down the ladder. “I sold the place,” he grumbled, walking into the shop, leaving me flabbergasted.
“Are you drunk? You can’t just give all this away,” I argued, following right behind him.
“Actually”—he shrugged—“it turns out I can. I sold the shop and the cabin along with all the land. Got a pretty penny for it, too.”
“Are you kidding me? That’s my home.”
“Yeah, well, now it’s not.”
“Who did you sell it to? I’ll get it back. It’s obvious you’re not in the right state of mind. You’ve been through a lot these past few weeks, and your mind just isn’t making sense.”
“Nah. For the first time ever, I’m thinking straight.”
“But—”
“What type of art?” he asked me, throwing me off completely.
“What?”
“What art style would you study? Where would you travel to see different techniques?”
“You need a nap.”
“I’ve been sleeping long enough. Now here.” He nodded me over to him, and I hesitated. “Come on, boy, I ain’t got all day. Get over here.”
He handed me a check with a huge amount written on it. “What is this?” I asked him.
“Your cut from the sale. Of course, you won’t see any real payoff until the paperwork goes through and all that bullshit, but that’s enough for you to live off of for a year or so.”
“What?”
“You’re free, Jackson,” he said, giving me a half smile. “Go find yourself.”
“Dad, you’re being ridiculous. I know exactly who is behind this, and I’ll get everything figured out. Don’t worry.”
Before he could reply, I was already on my way to Loretta Harris’s home. It was clear that she was the one behind the sale of the property. She was the only one ever pushing for land for that church of theirs. This situation had her name written all over it.
As I stood on her front porch, I took a deep breath as she answered the door.
“Jackson? What are you doing here?” she asked, confused.
“You really couldn’t help yourself, could you?” I barked, feeling my chest rise and fall.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Let’s not play stupid. The property, my dad’s shop,” I told her. She raised an eyebrow. “Him selling everything to you and the church.”
“What?” she said, flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, I have no clue what you’re talking about…”
“Stop with the games and pretending.”
“She’s not pretending,” Samuel stated, walking onto the porch from their household. “She had nothing to do with the deal. It was between Mike and me.”
“What?”
“He came to the church the other night and asked me if the offer that Loretta had given him still stood,” he explained.
“Why would he do that? Why would you allow him to do that?”
Samuel’s brows lowered, and he crossed his arms. “He came to me and told him he was tired of hating. He was sick of being angry, and as long as he stayed on that property, the hate would stay inside him. So he wanted it to be gone for good. Yet he wanted enough money to make sure you’d be okay without it. I understood, too. Wanting to let go of the past hurts. There was only one thing I requested of him if we made the deal.”
“And what was that?”
“Rehab.”
My chest tightened. “Rehab?”
“Yes. He’s going to spend some time at one of the best rehab clinics in America. He’ll receive the best treatment from the best doctors over the next few months. It’s going to be tough for him, but he agreed to it. Your uncle said he’d drive him to the clinic this Thursday.”
Rehab?
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “He’s really going to go?”
“Yes.”
Without another word, I wrapped my arms around Samuel and held on tight.
All I’d ever wanted was for my father to get help. All I’d ever wanted was for him to find his way out of the darkness.
“Thank you,” I whispered, feeling overwhelmed. “Thank you.”
*
When Thursday came around, I stood outside the auto shop while Alex loaded Dad’s suitcases into the back of his car.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you, Dad?” I asked, uncertain about them heading off to the clinic without me.
“Yeah, I’m sure.” He gave me a frown and scratched his beard. “Look, can we not make a big fuss about this? I ain’t no good at goodbyes.”
“Well, let’s not say goodbye,” I told him, pulling him into a hug. “Just good night until tomorrow.”
He pulled back and placed a hand on my shoulder. “My boy.”
“My dad.”
“I’ll see you on the other side,” he told me, going to climb into the car.
“Wait, Dad! Here,” I said, hurrying over to him. I took off the band on my wrist and handed it to him.
“Powerful moments?” he asked me.
“To help you get through the hard days.”
He thanked me. “That Harris girl? You really care about her?”
“I do.”
“Then take my advice…give yourself time to find yourself and give her time to find herself. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back.”
“And if it’s not meant to be?” I asked.
He lowered his brows and chuckled with a slight shrug to his shoulders. “Just don’t drink the whiskey.” He smiled—something I hadn’t seen him do in such a long time. “When the time comes, you let her in, all right?”
“Will do.”
We said our last good nights before tomorrow, and I watched as my father drove away to find his own self.
It turned out self-discovery was a process that everyone continued to explore. One never stopped growing therefore, they never truly stopped discovering.
*
“So he’s safe and sound?” Grace asked over the phone as I lay in bed Thursday night.
“Yeah. Alex sent me a message to let me know they arrived.”
“How do you feel?” she asked me.
I took a deep inhale. “Free.”
“I was thinking I could come down this weekend to see you, or you could come up here. Either way, I’d love to see you if I can.”
I cleared my throat and closed my eyes. “I’m falling in love with you, Gracelyn Mae,” I confessed, feeling my chest tighten from saying the words. “I’m falling in love with every part of you, but before I can give you all of me, I think I need to learn more about myself. About my wants, my needs, before I can be what you deserve.”
“What do you mean?”
“My dad gave me a check, and it’s enough for me to explore the country for a little bit of time. I can stop places and find out who I am, and what I believe in. I can start healing the broken parts of me.”
She went quiet for a moment, and I was terrified she’d be against the idea. That she wouldn’t want to wait for me to explore the world. That perhaps, our time was up.
“Okay,” she said.