NINE
Jared
What the hell was I doing?
Everything about this situation was wrong. Aly kneeling in front of me. Touching me. She was close, too close. I could taste her breath, and I kept catching hints of that f*cking delicious coconut body wash I’d used last night. Somehow it smelled a thousand times better on her.
These urges constantly hit me, and I couldn’t help imagining what it’d be like to bury my nose in the haven behind her ear, to press my mouth to her jaw, to tangle my hands in her hair. Against my better judgment, which could so easily be called into question, anyway, I gave in. Took a little.
I was always so good at taking.
The strand of hair I tugged between my fingers was soft, like silk against my callused skin. The action should’ve been innocent enough. I remembered doing it often when we were children, just a small act of affection to let her know it was okay she was there. There was never anything more to it than that.
But I knew better now, knew it would stir the need I’d felt in the pit of my stomach since I found her backed against that wall last night, since she’d driven me half-mad in her kitchen this morning, since I’d stumbled into her apartment like the piece of trash I was tonight. Somehow she still found me worthy, kneeling in front of me as if I deserved even a scrap of the attention she gave me now.
With her head down, she attended to the wounds on my other hand. I allowed my gaze to fall, to trace the face I wanted to trace with my hands.
I didn’t think I’d ever felt intrigued by a girl before the way I was now, had never wanted to crawl inside someone’s mind to dig through her thoughts, to find out who she was. Why she was. Aly’s green eyes were both fierce and soft, her touch both intent and gentle. She was kind, yet she didn’t hesitate to call me out on my shit. She made me itch and squirm, made me want to run and want to stay.
She began taping up my second hand, forging this little truce between us, steadily sucking me deeper into a place I knew I shouldn’t go.
But I couldn’t stop it.
There was something about being alone with her in the seclusion of this apartment that I liked, like maybe we were sharing some kind of secret that no one else could touch.
A distorted sense of security.
For just a little while, I wanted to drift in the delusion.
I watched her as she worked. Every couple of seconds, she glanced up at me with those eyes that seemed to know more than they should.
Aly shifted closer. I attempted to scoot back without her noticing, but she tugged on my hand. “Would you hold still? You’re worse than a two-year-old,” she said.
Was she completely oblivious to what she was doing to me? Every time she moved, her chest brushed against my knees, and damn, if it wasn’t the greatest temptation I’d ever had to endure. Did she know how badly I wanted to touch her? To take a little more? Maybe take it all? My thoughts raced ahead, and I wondered what she’d do if I edged off the couch and laid her back on the floor. Would she stop me? Or would she allow me to feed off her compassion and goodness? Would she let me wreck her? Destroy her? Because that was the only thing I knew how to do.
I sucked in a breath and held it. No f*cking way was I going there. Not with her, even if she was the only girl who’d ever made me feel like I had to have her. The first who’d ever made me want. That in itself was a pretty damned good reason to stay away from her.
That and the fact that she was Aly.
My Aly.
She sat back on her haunches. Her smile was soft when she looked up at me. “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“Thank you,” I said honestly, because it’d been a long time since anyone had taken care of me. It hurt to think of the last time someone had.
“You’re welcome.” Her voice was quiet, and she sat there, just staring at me, a lot like we had last night, although now things seemed completely different.
“You’d better get some rest. It’s really late,” I said. I’d lain flat out on the hard ground for hours while I let myself sober up to the point where I could at least get myself back to the apartment, and I hadn’t come crawling up the stairs until three in the morning.
“Yeah, you’d better, too.” She sounded a little disappointed.
Her delicate hands pressed into the couch on the outside of my legs as she helped herself to stand. This time her hair did brush against my chest. We both froze at the contact, and she looked down at me, her face three inches from mine. She hovered there, her eyes searching.
Motherf*cking trigger.
I wet my lips and found my voice, although it was heavy with strain. “Please go to your room, Aly.”
Blinking, she nodded before she pushed herself the rest of the way up. She paused at her door, whispered, “Good night,” and then disappeared inside her bedroom.
The next Friday night I sat at the round kitchen table across from Christopher, drinking a beer while I got my ass kicked at poker.
I folded and Christopher leaned over the table. With his forearm, he swept the pile of coins and one-dollar bills to his side. “Easy money,” he drawled, taunting me.
“Yeah, ’cause you’re a f*cking cheater.” I laughed as I tipped my beer to my mouth.
“Nah, man, you just suck… or have really bad luck, one of the two.”
Now, bad luck was something I’d definitely feel comfortable putting money on.
“You want to go another round?” he asked as he began shuffling the cards.
“Sure. Why not?” I tossed my ante into the center of the table. It wasn’t as if I had all that much to lose. “You know if you win too much of my money, you’re never going to get my ass off your couch.” Of course, I was joking. I’d just been too lazy to start looking for my own place in the last week. Or maybe it was just that I liked being here, which I really didn’t want to admit to myself because getting too comfortable here was really f*cking foolish.
Christopher started dealing the cards. “Nah, man, don’t feel like you have to rush right out and get a place of your own. I like having you around. This summer sucked until you got here.”
“You could get a job or something.” I raised a sarcastic eyebrow, figured I’d mess with him a little since he’d been giving me shit for all my losing hands for the last hour.
“Now, why would I go and do something like that? You know I don’t get out of bed before noon.”
I shook my head. “Dude, you’re so lazy.”
He laughed it off. “No, I did have a job lined up at the beginning of the summer, but it fell through. After that, I figured with all the classes I have to finish up next year to graduate, I might as well go ahead and take a couple of months off for myself.” He shrugged a shoulder. “I had a little extra money saved up, so it wasn’t that big a deal.”
“Like I said… lazy.”
“You’re such a dick,” he said through his laughter while he picked up his hand and organized his cards. “Seriously, though, like I told you last week, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.”
I took a swig of my beer, studied my cards. “What about Aly? You don’t think it bothers her that I’m staying here?”
Maybe I was digging, looking for some clues into this girl I couldn’t get off my mind.
An uncertain sigh pushed out of Christopher’s lungs. “Aly’s… ” He hesitated as he seemed to struggle to find the words. “… cool. And I think she’s fine with you being here. But she’s different. You get that, right? I trust you that you won’t mess with her, but you should know she’s not like the girls you and I go looking for. Just be careful around her, okay?” he added. “She’s a good girl.” His voice took on a tone of deep respect.
And I got what he was saying, the warning to stay away from his sister, that I wasn’t good enough for her. I mean, f*ck, I already knew that. He didn’t need to tell me twice.
The lock on the front door rattled, and Christopher and I looked up at the same time as the door swung open, our conversation coming to an abrupt halt when Aly fumbled her way in. She smiled. “Hey, guys.” She kicked the door shut behind her as she balanced a stack of take-out boxes in her hands. “Brought you some dinner.”
“Oh, nice,” Christopher said.
She was always so cute when she got off work, all disheveled and exhausted and a little red-cheeked from the exertion of being on her feet running around a hot kitchen all day.
It’d been a week since the night she took care of me. In that time, a sort of understanding had arisen between us. We’d settled into the feigned comfort of casual smiles and pleasantries. She’d ask me how my day was and I’d ask her about hers, but we’d keep it light. But under the surface remained a tension that stretched us tight, pushed us apart at the same time as it worked to suck us together. I knew it. I saw it in her eyes and felt it in my bones. I knew how easy it’d be to sink my fingers into her skin and into her mind. I knew how willingly she’d let me take.
And God, I wanted to.
I kept thinking it’d pass, that the newness would wear off, and I’d just see Aly. After work a couple of nights ago, I’d gone back to the little bar where I’d met Christopher. Only this time I stayed, went home with Lily, thought maybe I’d be able to erase a little of what I was feeling.
When I saw Aly the next morning, I felt guilty or some shit, an emotion I was all too familiar with, but this… this was different. It was f*cked up and wrong and misplaced, and I wanted to rip it from my consciousness. I owed Aly nothing, and she sure as hell didn’t owe me anything. But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself of that fact, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d done something wrong.
Christopher got to his feet. “Let me help you with that.” He planted a quick kiss on her forehead. “You’re the best. I’ve worked up a ravenous appetite taking all of someone’s money over here.” He jerked his head in my direction as he took the boxes from Aly’s hands.
Her eyes grew wide with feigned worry. “Oh, Jared, please tell me you aren’t falling for Christopher’s games. You know he never outgrew the whole cheating thing.”
I laughed hard as I slammed my palm down on the table. “I knew it, you a*shole!” I stretched my entire body over the table to retrieve his winnings, opening my arms wide to drag the pile of money back in front of me. “You’ve been cheating me this whole time, haven’t you?”
“Hey, now, hey, now, let’s not get hasty. Aly has her own tricks, Jared. Don’t let her fool you.”
His smile was all warm with the easy affection that swam between the two of them. It was odd, seeing how different they were and still so very much the same.
She smacked him on the back of the head. “Watch yourself.”
A short chuckle wobbled up my throat and I brought my bottle to my mouth, but I outright laughed when Christopher pointed at me. “Don’t you two start ganging up on me. It was always the two of you against me.”
“What are you talking about?” Aly asked, her brow lifting in defense.
“Pah. Are you kidding me? I couldn’t get you out of my hair for five minutes when we were kids. And you want to know why?” He lifted his chin in my direction. “Because this ass insisted you go everywhere with us.”
“And was I all that bad?” Aly attempted a pout, which looked absolutely ridiculous on her because it was so obviously faked. The girl was too nice, too sweet. I kind of wanted to reach over and smooth it out.
“Hell yeah, you were, just because you breathed.” He offered her this mocking smile that earned him another smack to the back of the head.
“Whatever, you loved me, and you know it.”
Aly laughed as she disappeared down the hall and into the bathroom. He turned around in his chair, shouting down the hall. “Hey, Aly, you want to join us for the next hand?”
“Sure,” she called back from what sounded like her room. “Let’s eat first, though. I’m starving.”
A few minutes later she returned. She’d changed out of her work clothes and into the same sleep shorts she chose to constantly taunt me with night after night.
God, the girl had the best legs I’d ever seen.
She was twisting her long hair up into a high ponytail as she walked barefoot into the kitchen. The mixture of her skin and the food she’d brought smelled like heaven.
She cracked open the fridge. “Either of you want another beer?” she asked as she bent down to dig through the fridge.
In my head I was screaming at myself to close my eyes or to look up or to look down or to just look the f*ck away.
I didn’t.
Instead I watched.
A curl of lust twisted my stomach into the tightest knot, so tight I had to struggle to get a breath of air into my lungs.
Christopher’s voice broke my trance. “Yeah, I’ll take one.”
I cut my attention in his direction, and eyes so much like Aly’s stared back at me.
I dropped my gaze and mumbled, “Sure, I could use another.”
Aly stood and knocked the door closed with her hip. She had three beers woven between her fingers, their caps pressed together. Maybe there was something inherently wrong with me, but I thought it had to be one of the sexiest moves I’d ever seen.
She set them down on the table. “One for you.” She passed one to Christopher and grinned as she slid one across the table to me. “And one for you.”
“Thanks,” I said.
She twisted the cap off the third and plopped heavily into the chair as she tipped it to her mouth.
“Long day?” Christopher asked as he arched an eyebrow at her.
“Oh yeah.” She released a long breath. “It was superbusy.” A little shrug lifted her shoulders. “Made good tips, but I couldn’t wait for my shift to end.” She began opening the take-out box lids. My mouth watered when I was hit with the heavy aroma of thick red meat sauce and pasta.
I stood. “Here, let me grab some plates and forks.”
She threw a soft smile up at me as I passed. “Thanks, Jared.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
Even though it was only three feet away, I stumbled into the kitchen as if it were some kind of oasis in the desert. For a second, I dropped my head as I pressed my hands into the counter and filled my lungs with the deepest breath of air I could find.
Get a grip, Jared.
I gathered myself while I gathered the plates and forks. I walked back out with everything, sat down across from Christopher and Aly, the only true friends I’d ever had, and forced myself to relax.
We all ate together, like we did it all the time – like we’d done so many times before. Our conversation was light, and the food was awesome. We drank a few more beers and played some cards. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so good.
But I did. I felt too damned good.
From across the table, I tried to suppress my amusement. Aly was obviously a lightweight. After three beers, her speech was beginning to hint at a slur. “I need another beer,” she announced, draining the last few drops in her bottle, wobbling a little as she stood. She kind of staggered into the kitchen.
God, she was cute.
“Grab me one, too, would you?” Christopher called.
She emerged with two. “Nah, but Jared can have one.” She winked at me as she slid it across the table to me.
I couldn’t help but smirk.
“Oh, uncool, Aly, uncool,” Christopher mocked, pressing his hand to his chest. “You always liked him better than me, didn’t you, Aly Cat?”
Aly’s mouth puckered in defense. “Oh my God, don’t you dare, Christopher. You two just about gave me a complex when I was little. I can’t tell you how much time I sat in front of the mirror, worrying I looked like some mangy cat. One day Mom found me crying, curled up in a ball in my room. It took her, like, two hours to convince me it was about my name and not what I looked like.”
Aly Cat.
A smile pulled at my mouth, at my thoughts, and a wave of nostalgia slammed me, threatening to knock me off my feet. It washed over me with warmth, and things I didn’t want to remember. Fear tightened my throat. I pushed it down. I’d leave soon, before I could f*ck it all up and leave them hating me.
I stood and drained my beer. “I’m going to grab a smoke.”
I was hit by a wall of stifling night air when I escaped outside through the sliding glass door. I closed my eyes and sank to the balcony floor, resting my back against the wall. The concrete floor was still hot as I pulled my bare feet up and bent my knees. I dipped my head to the side to light a cigarette. I drew it in, felt it expand in my lungs, welcomed the mild calm it pulsed through my agitated veins. I rushed my free hand through my hair.
Careless.
Coming back here. Staying here. All of it.
Taking another drag, I looked up as the sliding glass door slowly opened. Aly’s silhouette emerged in the darkness, her movements somehow softer than they’d been inside.
Just to the side and across from me, she slid down onto the floor. Slowly her face came into focus. She drew one leg to her chest, exposing the skin on the underside of her thigh. She tilted her head to the side, and the length of her black hair fell down around one shoulder, all soft and innocent and a little bit infuriating. This girl was either the biggest tease I’d ever met or was completely oblivious of how perfect she was.
For a while we said nothing, just listened to the sounds of the night, and allowed a distinct pressure to build up around us. I rested my forearms on my knees and let my hands dangle down between them. I wasn’t looking at her, but I could feel her looking at me. With the intensity of it, I thought she might as well go ahead and climb inside my head, because she was definitely getting under my skin.
My nerves flared in a way I didn’t quite understand. I didn’t think I’d ever felt so comfortably uncomfortable, like I wanted to bolt and sink into it all at once. Maybe I was finally slipping over the edge of sanity. God knew I’d been heading there for a long time.
I rocked my head back and lifted my face to the starry night sky as I brought the cigarette to my mouth again. I held it in for a long moment and then slowly blew it into the air. Smoke curled over my head, these wisps of nothingness that I studied as they slowly evaporated.
Finally she spoke. “Are you okay?”
Confusion rumbled through me and I let out a slow sound of exasperation. “I don’t know what I am, Aly. Being here is just… I don’t know… It’s hard.”
“It doesn’t have to be.” Studying me, she frowned. “I mean, why did you come back?”
I shrugged as if it made no difference in the world. “I don’t really know.” And I sure as f*ck wasn’t going to talk to her about it, even if I did.
Her voice came low, earnest and sincere. “I know you probably think of me as the little girl you used to know, but you can talk to me, Jared.”
My attention dropped to her thigh, rested there for a beat too long. She believed I still thought of her as that little girl, huh? Incredulous laughter slipped out. I took another drag as I shook my head. I chewed at my lip as my eyes found her face. “That’s not how I think of you, Aly.” Not even close.
In the dimness I watched as her green eyes softened, filled with something that appeared too much like affection.
I looked down, away, stubbed out the cigarette.
“You can trust me,” she whispered.
I let my eyes fall closed as I loosely wove my fingers together. I said nothing because I was pretty sure I could trust her. It was me who couldn’t be trusted.
We settled back into the silence, and again I took comfort in the distinct discomfort. I thought maybe she took some, too.
There was something about the summer air in Phoenix. Even though it was hot at night, it was almost refreshing. How many times had we been out in it, playing hide-and-seek in the dark? How much had we laughed?
I’d been comfortable then.
In the far distance, at the lowest point on the horizon, a flicker of lightning edged the sky, this faint warning that the monsoon approached. The storms always seemed to loom in the distance before they engulfed the city, teasing us with the promise of a reprieve. On the few days it did actually rain, it was like a torrent of relief pounding heavily into the ground. The thick scent of rain would rise as it met the dry dirt and hot pavement as the heavens opened up and washed the world anew.
I hadn’t allowed myself to miss many things while I was away, but this… this was one of them.
I had to admit now that I’d missed Christopher, too.
And I’d missed her.
I stood and dusted off my pants, reaching a hand down to her. “Come on, Aly.”
She didn’t hesitate to accept my hand. Her shy smile told me everything. She liked touching me every bit as much as I liked touching her.
F*ck.
This was so very bad.
My muscles flexed along my arm as I pulled her to standing, and her feet came to hold her weight, although for a few seconds I didn’t let go. Finally I forced a casual smile and dropped her hand. Pretending to be the gentleman my mom had always hoped I would be, I slid the door open for her. “After you, Aly Cat.” Of course, I couldn’t keep out a little tease.
She slugged me on the arm as she passed. “See? You are a jerk.”
The next night I sat on the opposite end of the couch from Aly, who was curled up on her side. Those long legs were bent, her knees tucked up close to her chest with her head propped on a pillow that she’d taken three minutes to situate on the armrest. The lights were off, and the television flickered in front of us.
Aly’d gotten off work about an hour before. She’d walked through the door looking exhausted, which she’d confirmed when she dropped the huge-ass bag she always carried on the floor with an exaggerated sigh and followed it up with “I’m exhausted.”
Apparently I was perceptive.
Probably too perceptive because I couldn’t help watching her now. My side was pressed up against the opposite armrest, as far as it would go, while my eyes were constantly drawn toward her. She was relaxed, and looked engrossed in the TV show, although she was probably close to slipping into sleep. She kept shifting her legs, burrowing deeper into the couch, sinking farther into comfort.
How messed up was it that I really wanted to burrow into her comfort, too?
I shook my head and forced myself to look back at the TV.
About half an hour later, the door opened behind us, and I could hear mumbled voices right outside the door. It was easy to make out Christopher when he whispered, “It’s fine. You can come in.”
Christopher slipped in the door, leading this dark brunette toward the hall by the hand. Her eyes widened as she stole a glance in our direction; then she ducked her head and studied the floor. Christopher didn’t even bother with introductions.
In the last week, the guy’d had more girls in this apartment than I could count, and he kicked them out just as fast as he dragged them in. I mean, I had a pretty bad record, or a pretty good one, depending on how you looked at it. But there was something about this that was different. Something that made me feel sympathy for the girls. For him, it seemed a game, kind of like the poker he’d slung last night. Deceitful.
When Christopher’s door snapped closed, Aly lifted her head to look at me. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
I lifted an eyebrow her direction. “Dude is kind of a slut, isn’t he?”
She quieted a dubious laugh. “Tell me about it. I had no idea I was going to have to deal with this every night when I first moved in here.”
I had the urge to ask her about it, to find out if she was worried and if Christopher was happy or what the f*ck his problem was. Instead I kept my mouth shut, figured I was hardly in a position to judge Christopher’s behavior.
The movie played on, but it did nothing to drown out the giggles emanating from Christopher’s room. I turned up the volume, but still they were distinct, probably because as much as we didn’t want to, Aly and I couldn’t stop straining to listen.
Finally Aly blew a frustrated breath toward the ceiling. “Do you want to watch the rest of this in my room? It’s always quieter in there.”
“Sounds good to me.”
Aly clicked off the TV, hugged her pillow against her chest, and headed into her room. She left the door open behind her, a clear invitation.
I stepped inside. As curious as I’d been, I’d never been in here before. It was dark, though moonlight bled in from her opened blinds. A fairly large bed was pushed into the corner of one wall below the window, and directly across the room, a smaller TV sat on top of a horizontal six-drawer dresser. A large mirror and dressing table with a regular kitchen chair were set up to the right of it. Filling the space between her bed and closet was a tall bookcase. Spines and spines of books were lined up. A row of large, unmarked books filled up the bottom shelf, reminding me a lot of the journal I had tucked in my bag back out in the other room.
I resisted a smile. These had to be Aly’s sketch pads.
The bed was framed in mahogany wood, the base and carved headboard one large piece. It was unmade, the maroon comforter bunched and twisted with black sheets. Nothing really seemed to match all that well, but it all flowed, this eclectic feel of peacefulness coming over me the moment my feet sank into the soft cushion of her carpet.
Aly gestured toward her bed. “Feel free.”
I eyed it. I knew a trap when I saw one. Not one Aly had set, but one that my fingers would fall into. Lying next to her would be a very bad idea.
I dropped to the comfort of the carpeted floor. “I’m good on the floor. I need to stretch out a bit.”
“Suit yourself.”
She hopped onto her bed and turned the movie back on, the flick popping back to life in the same place we’d abandoned it. Luckily the shit going down in the next room was completely drowned out, and it was just me and Aly and this dumb comedy that really had nothing to offer other than a distraction from the racing that normally happened in my mind.
That and the annoying chime that kept going off on Aly’s cell phone every ten seconds.
The screen would light up, she’d tap out a message, tuck it back at her side, and then the whole thing would repeat again.
“You know that’s really f*cking annoying, right?”
She sat up on her elbow, looking down at me in confusion. “What?”
“You having a conversation with someone when you’re supposed to be watching a movie with me.”
She rolled her eyes. “I am watching a movie with you.” Her phone chimed again. Those green eyes widened, and she laughed.
“And who is so important that you’d rather be talking to them than giving your full attention to me?” I didn’t really understand why I was feeling petulant and moody and a little bit pissed off, but shit… she was the one who’d suggested we watch a movie, saying she just wanted to relax and unwind. She was supposed to be mine for the night.
“Giving you my full attention, huh? I thought we were watching a movie.”
I didn’t miss the fact that she didn’t answer my question. It was a guy. Motherf*cker. I couldn’t tell if I was feeling protective or possessive, because I was seeing flashes of both the innocent little girl I’d always taken care of and a gorgeous one lying on her bed. And I had no f*cking idea if the one on the bed was innocent or not.
God. I couldn’t even stomach the thought.
But shit, she was twenty years old, and I wasn’t delusional.
It chimed again, and before I realized what I was doing, I flipped over onto my hands and knees. Crawling the few feet across the floor to her bed, I climbed up onto it. I grabbed the stupid white thing she had buried in the covers. The red light flashed its annoyance.
“What the hell are you doing?” She was caught off guard and her voice was shocked and raspy. I’d somehow managed to end up caging her, my legs on both sides of hers, one hand planted on the bed above her shoulder and the other gripping her phone. Her mouth dropped open, her eyes wide with surprise. I was so close to her I could feel her heart pounding, the beat steady and hard. Something inside me screamed to back away because I knew without a doubt I shouldn’t be near her this way, that I shouldn’t allow my blood to burn, race, thrum as I listened to her heart rate escalate. I shouldn’t like her reaction to me.
But I did.
“Who is it?” I demanded.
“It’s just Gabe.”
“And who the f*ck is Gabe?”
She seemed to shake herself out of whatever stupor she’d been in, and she emitted a disbelieving snort. “What are you, twelve, Jared? Come on. And who the f*ck are you to ask?” she challenged as she plucked her phone from my hand.
I wanted to tell her to watch her mouth and kiss it all at the same time. “Your friend, remember? And friends don’t let friends text dickheads.” Or date them.
“Oh, really?”
“Really.”
Her breasts jostled as she laughed, and I was sure she meant the sweet little sound to be intimidating and defiant. She pushed up to sitting, squaring her shoulders.
God, I really did want to kiss her.
“And just what makes you think Gabe is a dick? You don’t know anything about him.”
I inclined my head toward the clock beside her bed that indicated the time was way past appropriate. “Then what does he want?”
“He asked me to come over and hang out with him.”
“At one in the morning? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. What does Christopher think about this guy?”
“Oh, please. Christopher? Really? And if you hadn’t noticed, I’m not a little girl anymore.”
Yeah, I f*cking noticed.
“Well, I don’t like it.” Obviously her brother wasn’t watching out for her. He never had. That was always my job.
“You don’t like it, huh?”
“Nope.” My eyes flitted over her face, searching for something. What, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t own her. I didn’t really even know her. But I wanted to.
She blinked a few times, shaking her head as she tilted a small smile up at me. “You’re kind of ridiculous, Jared. And I wasn’t planning on going. I was telling him I was busy.”
Relief tugged at my chest while I reached out and again tugged at a strand of her hair, like it was a little connection between us, something tethering us together. This time I wound it through my fingers, watching her face as I did.
Suddenly everything felt thick and slow, like honey – my mouth, her eyes, the tension that suddenly filled the air. For a minute, I wanted to pretend that nothing had ever happened, that the years had passed and I was still good and that maybe Aly would see me that way. Pretend that maybe I’d be worth taking a chance on. Right then, pretending seemed like a pretty good place to be.
I watched the lump in her throat as she swallowed. “Why don’t we finish the movie?” she whispered.
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”
Against my better judgment, which apparently was lacking in every capacity tonight, I settled down beside her on the bed.
She rolled to her side, tucked her pillow under her head, and angled herself so she could see the TV. I lay behind her, my head propped in my hand. I did my best at trying to pay attention to what was happening on the television. Instead all my focus was directed at her.
“So I guess I probably need to know who this Gabe is?” I finally asked because somehow I knew not knowing would eat me alive.
I sensed her shrug, and heard a soft breath of air pass through her mouth on a sigh. “I don’t know, Jared. We’ve kind of been seeing each other for the last couple months. I like him okay, I guess.”
My jaw clenched. This time there was no doubt it was jealousy.
I said nothing, turned my attention back to the TV. For the first time since I’d returned, I truly regretted the decision to come. It was easier not knowing what I’d been missing.
Something inside me twisted. The soft spot I’d always held for her now felt raw. I hated her I guess, hated she would even for a second settle for less than what would truly give her joy. I hadn’t been back all that long, but I already knew she deserved joy. And here I was, the sick f*ck who wished I was good enough to give it to her.
Internally I scoffed.
I could wish all I wanted, but it’d never change who I was.
It only took about fifteen minutes for Aly to fall asleep. Her soft breaths evened out. She stirred and rolled to her back. One arm found its way up to drape over her head, her body bowed as she stretched her long legs out, one tweaked to the side.
I knew I should go and find my spot on the couch where I belonged.
But for a moment, I took. Took in her peace. Took in her beauty.
When I couldn’t stand lying beside her any longer, I climbed to the end of her bed, flipped off her TV, and slipped out her door.
Tonight, I refused to sleep. I couldn’t go there. Just for one f*cking night, I didn’t want to see. I dug through my bag and pulled out my journal, sat on the couch in the dead silence. I wrote about things I didn’t know but wished I could have.