I am scared. I am alone. I don’t know what I am, and I miss him, and he shouldn’t ask me that question, because he knows. He can scent it. He is living it. He is breathing my pain.
Perry lets out a slow breath. “Can I do anything?”
“You have enough to do.”
“I care about you, Brooke.”
“No, you don’t. I know who you care about.” I point to the Dweller cavern. “She’s in there.”
I don’t want to say any of this. There are times I wish I had a cork to stopper my mouth.
Perry takes a step closer, his voice growing softer and quieter. “Aria and I are together, and that’s not going to change. But I want us to change. I want us to move past this.”
“There is no us anymore, Peregrine. You made sure of that.”
I can’t look into his worried eyes for another second, so I stare at the links of his chain. I want to wrap my fingers around it and pull his mouth down to mine. I want to feel his lips. His tongue. His body.
It makes no sense. He broke my heart and I still want him so much. How is that possible?
Maybe I caught the Dwellers’ fever. Maybe I’m delirious.
We are quiet for a long, long stretch that’s probably only seconds. But I can’t leave and he can’t leave, and every time he speaks, I feel worse.
“Brooke . . . you’re one of the best people I know,” he says softly, breaking our silence.
The words fall like frost on my skin. “Am I, Perry? That’s great to know.” I step forward. He doesn’t back away. I have to tilt my head up to see into his eyes. We’re only inches apart. Not as close as I want us to be. “Well, you know what? You’re one of the best Blood Lords I know. How does it feel to be almost the best?”
Silence. A muscle flexes in his jaw, but he doesn’t speak.
“It’s a bit like not being good enough at all, isn’t it?” I say.
“You’re twisting my words. That’s not what I meant to—”
“It is, Perry. It is what you meant. Admit it. I’m not good enough for you.”
Before he can say another word, I spin and head into the darkness. I don’t even bother trying to walk. I run.
My feet strike the hard stone ground at a reckless pace, but I don’t hear a sound. Not my footfalls, or my own breathing. There is only a desperate plea, filling my thoughts.
Get out of my heart, Perry.
Please. Get out of my heart.
2
With the hours I spent helping Molly, I missed supper with my sister. That streaks me more than anything else has today.
My stomach rumbles loudly with hunger, like it’s demanding to be heard. I imagine it taunting me: You thought vomit and brokenheartedness was all? Foolish of you.
I want to find Clara, but first I make a quick detour to the cluttered cavern that serves as our kitchen, grateful to find a leftover piece of bread. It’s burnt and so hard it feels like a log, but it’s food. I pull the dagger from my belt and cut the center, then wedge a thick slice of goat cheese inside. I head for the main cavern, managing not to chip any teeth as I wolf down my meager meal.
When we found out we’d be moving from the Tide compound to this cave, Marron took it upon himself to make it as livable as possible. He had a wooden platform installed at the center of the main cavern—a raised dais, about a foot and a half tall and forty feet square. His idea was that people needed a smooth place to sit and eat.
It seemed like a lot of trouble to go to at the time, but he was right to have it built. It’s the area where the tribe gathers now. The platform always has at least a dozen people sitting on it and along its perimeter. It’s where we socialize and spend our free time—what little we have of it.
The platform is my first stop in my search to find Clara, and I’m smiling before I even get there. Just thinking about my sister makes me forget Perry’s you’re one of the best people comment.