The Girl Who Dared to Think 7: The Girl Who Dared to Fight

Surprisingly enough, it had been Lacey who had helped me through it. The head of the Cogs had sensed my bleak turn, and interceded. It took a while for her to convince me to open up, but she got it out of me, bit by bit, until I was crying on her shoulder.

Saving her life had clearly made her more empathetic toward me, because she’d held me through it all, and listened without reservation or judgment. I talked to her about everything, from Grey to the nightmares I still had about the things I had seen in the simulation, and she’d heard me. She helped me, if I was perfectly honest about it. I had finally earned her respect, and all it took was saving her life and the Tower.

After a while, I felt good enough to have a conversation with Leo. He had kept a respectful distance from me, and let me know he was there if I ever needed to talk, and I eventually took him up on it. It had been hard, and I was sure the conversation would be burned into my memory forever.



“Hey,” Leo said softly from behind me, and I froze for half a second, my eyes already beginning to feel the pinprick of tears before I blinked them back. This conversation was going to be hard enough without me getting all weepy. I turned away from one of the bookcases I had been staring at to see Leo standing there, leaning against Lionel Scipio’s desk, his hands shoved into his pockets.

I had chosen the location. It seemed fitting to say goodbye in the same place we had met, even if it was metaphorical. “Hey,” I replied, trying to keep the flood of emotions that filled me from reaching my voice. Seeing him felt like coming home, and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms and beg him to figure out a way that we could be together.

But I couldn’t do that. Leo’s coding was tied to Lily’s, and there was no differentiating where he ended and she began.

The corner of Leo’s lip twitched, and for several seconds, both of us were silent. I wasn’t sure whether he was waiting for me to speak, or was just as uncertain as I was on what to say next, but it grew awkward. I opened my mouth to fill the space, when he suddenly blurted out, “I miss you.”

My mouth hung open for several seconds, and then I slowly drew it closed and swallowed down my heart, the flood of emotions with which those three simple words filled me threatening to break down my control. I looked away for a few seconds, needing something else to focus on, and took in a shaky breath. “I miss you, too.”

I darted a quick glance up to him, and saw him looking at me with remorse. “I would’ve copied myself to Grey,” he told me, his eyes pleading for understanding. “But the nets can’t do that.”

I nodded my head. “I know,” I replied, my voice coming out high and tight. “I do.” I hesitated, and then asked the one question I had been wondering about since the simulation. “Did you… Did you know what was happening in the datasphere?”

Leo hesitated, and then nodded. “Yes,” he replied simply, and a wave of hurt and recrimination crashed down on me. Why hadn’t he warned me what was coming? Why couldn’t he have told me that I was about to lose him? I opened my mouth, intent on asking him just that, when he added, “And I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you. Honestly, I thought we’d have more time after the fight was over, but the protocols took over, and…”

I held up my hand to stop him. I didn’t need to hear any more, and besides, it didn’t matter. What was done, was done, and I wasn’t here to cast blame. I was here to try to get better.

“It’s okay,” I said. “We did the best we could under some pretty unusual circumstances. I know that this isn’t how you wanted things to be either. And I’m pretty sure you would’ve liked to talk to me sooner.”

He shook his head slowly. “No, not at all. It hasn’t been easy on any of us.”

I nodded in agreement, and then sighed, searching for a way to try to make this conversation more positive. So far, all it was doing was making me want to cry, and I was here to move past that. “Maybe not, but it’s been good for the Tower. You and Lily, I mean. You guys have done an amazing job altering the laws in the Tower and selling it to the citizens. The speech you gave about the ranking system and dismantling it was—”

“Thank you,” he said, ducking his head. His hologram didn’t show his cheeks blushing, but I could tell that he was embarrassed by my praise. I couldn’t understand why. He’d made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that rank was no longer to be a reflection of the service anyone performed to the Tower, but rather an indication of their happiness, as it was always meant to be. Eventually, we’d get around to dismantling them completely and destroying the indicators, but people were still too reliant on them to eradicate the system completely. Until then, rank discrimination was not going to be tolerated. “It’s really you who has done something amazing. The Diplomacy Corp is a rousing success. The people you’ve collected are showing an uptick of their rank within a few months of joining, and the amount of work everyone has put in to foster inter-departmental relations has been—”

“Thank you,” I said. It was my turn to be embarrassed. I hadn’t been fishing for a compliment, and honestly, hearing them from him only hurt, only reminded me how much time we hadn’t gotten to spend together. I licked my lips and looked around the room for a second, trying to find the right words to convey everything I had felt since we had last seen each other. How I regretted that I hadn’t gotten to kiss him goodbye, and how I missed his arms around me, making me feel safe. How I longed for his voice in our meetings, or how I still dreamed about him from time to time.

“Liana, if I had the power to go back in time and spare you this pain, I would do it in a nanosecond,” Leo said, jerking my attention back to him. “I’m sorry I even put you in that position. I knew there was a chance that I would have to replace Scipio, but I still pursued you.”

I felt a dull throb of anger. “Don’t say that,” I said, shaking my head. “I loved what we had together, once I finally got around to accepting it, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Except for maybe the ending, of course, but as you pointed out, there’s nothing we can do about that. I’m here to talk about what comes next. How we can move forward and… let go.”

Leo stared at me for a second, his eyes deep and unfathomable. “Of course,” he replied with a nod, a small quirk of his lips turning into a smile. “What did you have in mind?”

“I’m going to go with the delegation to Patrus when we finally get it all arranged,” I informed him at last. “And I might extend my trip there for a while. I think it will be good to get some space from everything. You and Lily need time to… to come to terms with everything too, and having me around as a constant reminder isn’t helping.”

“Liana, you don’t have to go,” Leo said, straightening up. “You’re the head of your department. Your duty is here.”

I smiled and shook my head. “Then I’ll resign. Leo, this isn’t going to work until we both have time and, more importantly, space from each other. I can’t get that as a councilor. I see you and Lily every week, for crying out loud! I’ve tried to get past it, but it hurts, and I can’t help it. It doesn’t matter that she’s me. I still kind of hate her.”

Leo stared at me for a second, and then smiled ruefully. “She says the same thing about you.”

I stared at him for a second, and then rolled my eyes, a soft chuckle escaping me. Of course she did. “So then you get it. This is what needs to happen, not just for us personally, but so your program and hers can really come together, if that makes any sense.”