—It’s the first time we did it everywhere. It’s the first time there isn’t anyone to say: Hey! Stop this. This is wrong. We’ve lost our collective mind. If that had happened to me, you’d have appointed a guardian. If I had gone insane, put my own life in danger, you— —Stop. Stop. I understand why you did it, Rose. I’m not sure I agree, but I understand. What I don’t get is how you got the Ekt to agree. They … This goes against everything they believe in. You just said, their world was sent into chaos the last time they came here, and now they’re … We just surrendered to them, Rose! The whole planet surrendered to them! Interference doesn’t even begin to … From what I know of them, the Ekt would want absolutely no part in this. They’d want the opposite of this.
—You’re right. They wouldn’t have come. They wouldn’t have considered it. We had to give them something. How did he put it? We had to offer them something they wanted more.
—And what’s that?
—What they came for the last time they were here.
FILE NO. 2202
INTERVIEW BETWEEN DR. ROSE FRANKLIN AND MR. BURNS
Location: United Nations Headquarters, New York, New York
—Are you sure you want to go through with this?
—Dr. Franklin, I’m a man of my word. Besides, I’m not sure they’d take no for an answer after coming all this way. There are so many of them! That message of yours must really have made an impression.
—They’ll execute you right away, you know that? You and all your people.
—Well, not right away. It will seem like right away, but it’ll take a good ten days to get back there. Technically, we have a few days to live.
—I don’t want you to die for us. I don’t want you to die period.
—I hope so! That’s a horrible thing to wish on someone! I don’t particularly want to die either, to be perfectly honest.
—Then don’t do it.
—Dr. Franklin, there are nearly two thousand people in the hangar behind us. I’m sure none of them are eager to meet their maker, but all of them chose to come because they thought it was the right thing to do. A lot of them were locked up in camps waiting to be executed, they didn’t take much convincing. For over three thousand years, our entire lives were spent making sure no one knew we existed. When that changed, and millions of people died, most of us had a hard time dealing with the responsibility. For many, this is some kind of relief, knowing that no one will suffer because of us anymore.
—No one suffered because of you. You’ve never done anything wrong.
—Sins of the father, Dr. Franklin.
—Somehow, you don’t strike me as the biblical type.
—Oh, I love the Bible! So many stories in there. Do you know the one about Balaam and the talking donkey? There’s one about two bears shredding forty-two kids to pieces because one of them called someone “baldy.”
— …
—Does it help if I tell you it doesn’t hurt at all? I mean, I’ve never been there, and, who knows, they might have gone all medieval since then, but I was told that back in the day, they vaporized people with an energy beam. As far as I know, that’s painless. You would know! Did it hurt when you died?
—I didn’t die. The other Rose Franklin did.
—So complicated!
—What I was trying to say is—
—Dr. Franklin, I get it. You feel bad because I and two thousand of my friends and family are going to die. You feel responsible. You’ve said that, a lot. It’s cute the first hundred times, but it really gets old after a while. You couldn’t have forced us to do this. The simple fact is that my ancestors couldn’t keep it in their pants, and they messed with your gene pool. You’re probably better off, but that is the reason the Ekt came here and killed tens of millions of people. There’s always a chance they’d come again to finish the job. You have this thing hanging over your head, and I don’t think your species can move forward while it’s there, so we’ll just remove it. Life’s been around for millions of years. Whether I die tomorrow or fifty years from now really doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. We’re all dying. If I can do some good while doing it, why not? Also, we get a free trip!
—Please stop joking about this.
—I’m not joking! I know you think of me as the “alien guy,” but I was born in Michigan! I’ve never left this rock. You have! Does that seem fair? You’ve been to their world and, from what you tell me, it’s an interesting place. I wish it were under different circumstances, but I’m happy to go. OK, so there’s the dying thing at the end, but nothing’s perfect. Do you think the astronauts who died in the Columbia shuttle wasted their lives? They went into friggin’ space! That is the coolest thing anyone can do, besides traveling to a whole other world in a different galaxy inside a giant alien robot, but that’s not the point. Don’t feel bad for us! We’re going into space! Now if you really want to help: When I said don’t feel bad, I meant don’t feel too bad. You can feel a little bad. There is one thing you can do.
—Name it. Anything.
—There is this tiny little bakery on Fifty-third Street. It can’t be more than a ten-minute walk from here. They sell the best pistachio eclair you’ve ever tasted. If I miss anything from Earth it will be—no, it won’t be that, it’ll be the purri and chutney I had in Kerala—but this is close. Do you think I could get one of those eclairs before I go?
—Sure. I’ll send someone in a minute.
—I … You probably can’t get two thousand of them, but do you think you can get the whole store? I’d like my friends and family to enjoy a little treat before we leave. That, and I’d feel like an ass eating an eclair in front of all of them.
—I’ll see what I can do.
—Thank you!
—No, thank you, for everything.
—Oh, don’t thank me yet. Well, you can thank me for the other things, like saving your life—that’s probably worth some thanks—but this plan of yours might not work at all. There are plenty of people left on Earth with a bunch of alien DNA. You could end up right back where you started. Then again, it might work. With any luck, the Ekt will have scared people enough that the UN will mean something again. You’ll have the EDC, again. Themis and—what’s his name?—the other robot will be there to protect you if need be, but you’ll stop killing each other with—
—I’m sending her back. I’m sending them both back.
—What? You went through a lot of trouble to put that robot together, and by you, I mean you you. Seems a shame to do all that just to give her away.
—We’re not ready.
—Are you sure about that?
—I am. I thought we were. I really wanted to believe we were evolved enough to handle this. But we’re not.
—You didn’t strike me as a pessimist, Dr. Franklin.
—I’m not. I’m not a pessimist.
— …
—Do you mind if I tell you a story? I’ve heard many of yours, now I feel it’s my turn. It’s a true story.