chapter 9
Dodger takes a cut-throat razor to Parliament, and meets a man who wants to be on the right side
THE MEN WHO guarded what was left of the Houses of Parliament, in uniform or otherwise, were not very happy about letting them in, possibly because they could be French spies, or even Russian ones. Dodger wasn’t either, but instead of telling them to go to blazes, which he would have done once upon a time before he had Simplicity hanging on his arm, he simply stood there, making himself look as tall as he could, and said, ‘I am Mister Dodger and I am here to see Mister Charlie Dickens.’
This caused a certain amount of chuckling, but he stood straight and stared at them and then somebody said, ‘Dodger? Isn’t he the man who wrestled the Demon Barber to the ground this morning, right down there in Fleet Street?’ The first man who had spoken came closer and said, ‘Yes, the peelers were frightened to go in there, so people say! I heard that people have already subscribed nearly ten guineas for him!’
Now there was another crowd, and the only thing Dodger could do was to keep saying, ‘I am here to see Mister Dickens on a very important matter.’ Then he told himself that all he would have to do would be to hang on, stand up, shake the hands that were proffered, nod and smile and wait until somebody came back with Charlie.
That worked, and a man – a very smart, very dapper man – suddenly appeared and said, with withering scorn, ‘If this is the Hero – twice the Hero of Fleet Street according to the newspapers – then what kind of service are we giving him when he comes to see us, yes, what do you think?’
There was a kind of little hum on that last ‘think’, and people started clapping and a couple of them said things like, ‘Well said, Mister Disraeli, well done; where are our manners, after all?’ And finally one of them said, ‘Well, I don’t know about you, gentlemen, but it seems to me that a hero like that is just the kind of person to have that dreadful cut-throat razor about his person even now!’ A statement which made Dodger’s heart whine as his mind flashed through images of the repercussions of being caught with it, until the very man who had said that burst out laughing, and added, ‘The very thought, indeed.’
‘The very thought,’ Dodger murmured in response, matching the man’s laugh with one of his own.
And that was how Dodger and Simplicity got into Parliament, indeed with the cut-throat razor – and with a lie, which was fine, considering that’s how so many people got into Parliament. Dodger still wasn’t quite sure why he had taken Mr Todd’s razor in all the confusion, but he had a feeling that the best place for it to be right now was close to him. Anyway, before he could do anything about it, Mister Dickens was called for and arrived shortly afterwards, taking good care to shake Dodger very theatrically by the hand and then looking at Simplicity and saying, ‘You are surely not the young lady I last saw fair beaten up three nights ago?’ Then he said that he had urgent business with the young cavalier, whatever that meant.
They were escorted along carpeted halls and poured into a small room with a table in it. While Dickens was sorting out chairs and getting Simplicity settled, Dodger kept his eye on Mister Disraeli. He reminded Dodger somewhat of a much younger Solomon, and he also looked like a cat who had found a saucer of milk and had enjoyed every last bit. He was, yes, that was it: he was a dodger – not a dodger like Dodger, but another kind of dodger, and it took one to know one. He looked sharp as a knife, but probably the knife was his tongue; he was that kind of bloke – a smart person, but a definite geezer.
He looked at Disraeli and caught his eye, and Mister Disraeli winked – a tribute from one dodger to another dodger, perhaps. Dodger let himself smile, but didn’t wink back, because a young man could get into trouble winking at gentlemen, and up until then this place – all these statues, all these soundless carpets, all these pictures on the walls of elderly men with white hair and an expression of acute constipation – had been preying on his nerves, pushing him away, telling him he was small, insignificant, a worm. That wink had broken the spell and told him that this place was just another rookery: bigger, warmer, certainly richer, definitely better fed to judge by the stomachs and the redness of the noses, but after that wink just another street where people jostled for advantage and power and a better life for themselves if not for everybody else.
Dodger couldn’t stop grinning as he clutched this thought to himself, like a magic ring that gave you power and no one knew you had it. Then after this high came the low; this rookery was full of words, the place was full of books, and right now he could find no words at all.
At this moment there was a hand on his shoulder and Charlie said, ‘We, my friend, well, we have business to attend to. You can speak freely to me in front of my good friend Mister Disraeli, an up-and-coming politician of whom we have great hopes and who is aware of the certain current problem that we have. How are you, by the way? Would you like some refreshments?’ As Dodger struggled for words, Simplicity nodded her head politely and Charlie walked over to the door and pressed a bell pull. Almost immediately a man came in, had a whispered conversation with Charlie and went out again.
Charlie sat down in a big comfy chair, and so did Disraeli. Disraeli fascinated Dodger; there was no two ways about it. Dodger didn’t know the word ‘insinuated’, but he knew the thought, and Mister Disraeli insinuated himself, in some way never leaving anywhere until he was entirely somewhere else, whereupon he instantly became everywhere. This, of course, would make him dangerous, thought Dodger, and then he remembered what it was he had stuffed up his shirt.
With the servant off fetching drinks, Charlie said, ‘For heaven’s sake, sit down, young man, the chairs don’t bite! I am extremely glad to see that our young lady is progressing slowly but surely, which is very good news.’
Disraeli said, ‘Excuse me, but who exactly is the young lady? Is she . . .? Would someone please introduce me?’
He rose to his feet and Charlie stood up and piloted Disraeli towards Simplicity, saying, ‘Miss . . . Simplicity, may I introduce Mister Benjamin Disraeli.’
Dodger watched this from the edge of his seat with a certain incredulity. You never did things like that in Seven Dials. Then Charlie said, ‘Ben, Miss Simplicity is the lady who has been discussed.’
And, very sweetly, Simplicity said, ‘What has been discussed about me, pray?’
Dodger almost leaped back to his feet, ready to defend Simplicity if necessary, but quite sharply Charlie said, ‘Sit back down, Dodger. Best if you let me handle this, if you don’t mind, but feel free to break in.’ He looked across to Simplicity and said, ‘May I say that you can do the same.’ He cleared his throat and said, ‘The facts of the matter, as understood here in England, are that you lived out of the country with your mother – an English teacher, we believe, working abroad. Following her sad demise, sometime in the recent past you went through a form of marriage with a prince from one of the Germanys.’ Charlie looked at the girl as if fearing an explosion, but she just nodded so he continued, ‘We also understand that a short time later, you, miss, fled the country and landed up here in England – where we understand your mother was born.’
Glaring at him, Simplicity said, ‘Yes. And I left, gentlemen, because my husband became, as soon as we were married, a snivelling wretch of a man. He even tried to put the blame for our so-called marriage onto me, a trick, as you gentlemen must know, which is as old as Eden.’
Dodger looked at Disraeli, who had turned his eyes up to Heaven. Even Charlie himself seemed somewhat awkward, saying nothing more about that, but continuing, ‘Subsequently, we have learned by means which I shall not disclose here that two farm workers who were witness to the marriage have been found dead, and the priest who conducted the ceremony apparently lost his footing one day while inspecting the roof of his church and plunged to his death.’
Her face pale, Simplicity said, ‘That would be Father Jacob, a decent man, and I would say not a man who easily falls off roofs. The witnesses were Heinrich and Gerta. I was told about them by the maid who brought my meals. You seem, sir, to be lost for words, but I suspect that what you are going to try to tell me now in your long-winded British way is that my husband wants his wife back. Apart from the priest, Heinrich and Gerta were the only people who had knowledge of our wedding and I know they are gone. Now this’ – she slipped off her ring and held it up – ‘is the only evidence of the marriage. I believe, sir, that what you are trying to tell me is that my husband – that is to say, his father – wants to see this ring back, come what may.’
Glances passed between Disraeli and Charlie, and Disraeli said, ‘Yes, madam, so we understand.’
‘But you see, sir, there is more evidence of the marriage. That, sir, is myself. But I will not go back there because I know full well that I could simply vanish. And that is if I even survived the journey – a journey by boat, gentlemen. Because, you see, if I am now the only evidence left, how difficult would it be for me to disappear along with the other evidence?’
She slipped the ring back on her finger and glared at them. ‘Two very nice people here in England, gentlemen,’ she continued, ‘not knowing my real name, called me “Simplicity”, but I am rather more complicated. I know that my father-in-law got very angry when he found that his son and heir had married, he said for love, a girl who was not even fit to be a lady-in-waiting, let alone a princess. Well, sirs, that’s what the fairy tales tell us, and I had thought I was in a fairy tale when I first met my husband. But in truth, I have learned that princes and princesses in the politics of Europe have a certain value when it comes to matters of state. People feel somehow that because “our” princess has married “your” prince, then two countries that were likely to wage war on each other now might not do so. And my vain and stupid husband – and my stupid self for believing him – ruined a perfectly good opportunity for bargaining flesh for a treaty.’
Dodger was staring at Simplicity with his mouth open. A princess!? You had to be a knight or something even to rescue one, didn’t you? Charlie and Disraeli shuffled uncomfortably in their seats. And at this moment there was a discreet knock on the door and a man appeared with cups of coffee and plates of small cakes.
‘I believe, sir,’ Simplicity continued when they were alone once more, ‘that I am what is called “a displaced person”, and that there are those who wish me harm in this country. They have twice tried to abduct me since my arrival in England and it is only thanks to Dodger and, I believe, to you, Mister Dickens, that I am here today and not on some boat back to my husband. My mother, who – yes – was English, said that in England everybody is free. I would be very happy to stay here, sir, though even here I fear for my safety now I appear to be a person of some value. But if I should go back, I dread what might befall me. I am at a loss, gentlemen – safe nowhere. Not even in England, where no man, I am told, can be a slave. I trust, gentlemen, that this applies to ladies as well.’
Charlie walked over and leaned on a mantelpiece and said, ‘What do you think about this, Ben?’
Mister Disraeli looked like a man after someone had thrown a very large rock at his head and seemed, if only for a little while, at a loss for words. Finally he managed, ‘Well, madam, I am very sorry to hear of your situation but we, that is to say the British government, have been assured that if you go back you won’t be harmed.’
At this point Dodger rose out of his chair at speed and said, ‘Would you trust them? Besides, not being harmed is one thing, being locked up where no one can see you is something else. I mean, you coves know about words. There’s a lot of bad things lurking around “won’t be harmed”.’
‘But how,’ said Disraeli, ‘could we be expected to guarantee Miss Simplicity’s safety while she remains on our shores? We all understand how neither the government of which we speak nor our own can be seen to be . . . interfering in this matter. But this does not mean that either party might not consider employing others to, let us say, act on their behalf. Now if Miss Simplicity should suffer harm whilst in our country, it might not bode well for . . . affairs between the two governments.’ He swallowed, as though fearing he had said too much.
Dodger turned to Charlie. ‘That, sir, is why I – I mean, we – have taken the liberty of removing Simplicity from the house of Mister and Mrs Mayhew, kind though they have been to her, simply so that no harm befalls them. Whoever the people looking for Simplicity are, I don’t think they’re very nice. And you can trust me, sir, not to give up on this. If I can find those villains what treated her so cruel and make them pay, she won’t have to go back, will she? I can protect her.’
Mister Disraeli squirmed a little in his chair and looked knowingly over at Charlie before replying, ‘Well, you see, my dear sir, it is all rather complicated. Right now the government of which we speak is demanding the return of this lady, who is, after all, married and therefore the rightful property of her husband. There are indeed people, even here, who think it quite sensible to send her back for the sake of peace between nations.’ He saw Dodger open his mouth to protest. ‘Mister Dodger, be aware that we have had enough of wars lately – I believe you know this rather well after your run-in with our Mister Todd – and all too many of them started over trivial things. I am sure you can see why this matter is so difficult.’
Difficult? Dodger thought, his temper rising. They were treating Simplicity like she wasn’t a person, just some kind of bargaining counter in a game of politics. Even the Crown and Anchor man would give you better odds of winning! Suddenly his face was in front of Disraeli, who had been forced back into his chair. ‘There is nothing complicated, sir, not one thing,’ he cried. ‘A lady what has been beaten up by her old man and doesn’t want any more of it ain’t going back to where she is going to get more of the same. My word, that happens in the rookeries all the time and nobody waggles a finger exceptin’ the old man who suddenly has to wash his own unmentionables.’
Before Disraeli could speak, there was a welcome comment from Charlie, who said, ‘Ben, surely it is possible for you to delay a decision on this for a little time, give us all the opportunity to consider the best next move. But there is a matter that clearly does need to be resolved right now. Dodger here lives in Seven Dials with an elderly landlord and an . . . interesting dog. It is no place for a lady, and there is no doubt that we have a young lady here. One in fear for her life. If she’s unlucky enough, she could even be killed in the light of day, because our Mister Dodger, swift as he is, cannot always be everywhere. So we have to make a decision right now, you understand? That is to say right now, Ben, as to where this lady – a princess, Ben – will lay her head in the certainty that she will have one when she wakes up. You and I know the one person we could call on in these circumstances.’
Disraeli looked up as if someone had handed him a bucket of water when his foot was on fire. ‘You are, of course, talking about Angela?’
‘But of course.’ Charlie turned to Dodger, now standing by Simplicity like a guardsman ready to strike at any moment, and went on, ‘We have a useful friend who I am sure will be delighted to offer shelter, faithful guards and lodging to Miss Simplicity. I, for my part, am absolutely sure that she will rise to the occasion, because I believe that she is a woman who never, ever has to care what politicians think, or kings for that matter. We could get there in a growler in less than an hour, if the traffic isn’t too bad. You too must accompany us. I will come with the pair of you and explain matters.’
‘How do I know I can trust you, Charlie,’ said Dodger, ‘even if we can trust this mysterious lady?’
‘Well,’ said Charlie, ‘on a number of matters you probably can’t. I was telling you the truth of it. And the truth, you know, is a fog – but do you believe, truly believe, that I am not trustworthy in this? Where else are you going to take the lady? Down into the sewers?’
Before another word could be uttered, the ringing voice of Simplicity said, ‘I must trust you, Dodger. Maybe it’s time for a little bit of trust on your behalf.’
There were always growlers waiting around the Parliament buildings, and they were soon heading west, as far as Dodger could make out.
They travelled in silence until Simplicity said, ‘Mister Dickens, I do not much like your friend Mister Disraeli; he is like somebody who sees that there are two sides to every question. He kind of floats, if you get me; it’s like everything was, well, like some cloth you could shake and pick up again. And my mother said such people were innocent but dangerous.’ After a pause she added, ‘I do apologize, but I think what I said was true.’
Charlie sighed. ‘People must have invented politics as a means for preventing wars and in that respect politicians are useful, most of the time. It is very hard to see what else we have. But Ben’s hands are tied. There are things he simply cannot do in his position, things that he would not wish to be known to be involved in. It may surprise both of you to know that agents of foreign powers roam around in this country all the time, just as we ourselves send people to spy on those other countries. Both sides know this happens, and again, generally and unbelievably, a fragile peace is maintained. However,’ he added, ‘when the kings and queens find themselves in checkmate, a pawn might win the day.’
This was all news to Dodger, who said, ‘So we are always spying on our enemies?’
In the darkness of the coach there was a chuckle. ‘Generally, Dodger, no, because we know what our enemies are thinking; it’s friends you have to be careful of. It can be like a seesaw. One day our enemies might be like our friends, and another day our friends may turn out to be an enemy. Oh, everybody knows about the agents. The agents know about the agents. I must confess, though, I am at a loss to see what even diplomacy can do in this case. Undoubtedly Simplicity could be allowed to live here, but I cannot believe that this would be the end of the matter, since the other government, on behalf of her father-in-law, seems to be very adamant. Perhaps we could smuggle her onto a boat to the Americas or possibly Australia, although this is me now thinking as a novelist.’
Dodger burst out, ‘The Americas? I’ve heard about them! Full of savages. You can’t possibly send her there! She won’t have any friends! And I don’t know very much about Australia, but Sol told me it’s the other side of the world, so the way I see it that means that they must walk around upside down. And even if we did put her on a boat, there will be people who know that happened: you know that, Charlie; there’s people who watch everything that happens on the docks – I used to be one of ’em.’
‘I’m quite certain she could go in disguise,’ said Charlie. ‘Or,’ he added, ‘it might just be sensible to lie low until said father-in-law finally has an apoplectic fit. As I understand it, from what Disraeli has gleaned, the rather unpleasant son might be more easy to deal with.’
In the corner where Simplicity was sitting, a voice said, quietly and firmly, ‘Excuse me, gentlemen. All I want to do is stay here in England where my mother was born. There are no other sides to this question and talking about it won’t create one. I have no intention of going anywhere else.’
Dodger listened very carefully to this. Simplicity had been beaten up very badly, and she had been an invalid, and ever since then Dodger had thought of her in those terms, but now a distant memory struck him. He said, ‘Charlie, I remember someone telling me once that when the Romans were over here building the sewers, there was some girl who chased them around the place with chariots with wheels that cut their legs off; you’re a reading type of cove – can you bring to mind what her name was?’
‘Boadicea,’ said Charlie, ‘and I think you have made a point. Miss Simplicity is a young woman who knows her own mind and she should be allowed to stand firm against those who oppose her.’
Then the coach slowed, and stopped outside what seemed to Dodger to be a very large and well-lit house. A butler opened the door when Charlie knocked. There was a whispered conversation, then Dodger and Simplicity were ushered into a small neat room by the door, while Charlie went away at some speed with the butler, whom he had addressed as Geoffrey.
Within less than a minute, Charlie was back, accompanied by a lady whom he introduced as Miss Angela Burdett-Coutts. She looked quite young, Dodger thought, but she dressed quite old, and what he could see was sharp. It was rather like Charlie. You saw at once with this lady that you would need to be either direct or silent: she had the look of somebody who inevitably won arguments.
The woman held out her hand. ‘My dear, you must be Simplicity, and I am very pleased to meet you.’ She turned to Dodger. ‘Ah yes, the Hero of Fleet Street. Charlie has told me about your exploits at the Chronicle, and everyone is talking of your bravery this morning, and you must believe me, I do have a notion as to what is going on – people can be so talkative. Clearly the thing to do right now is to get this young lady’ – she corrected herself – ‘young woman a meal and a chance to sleep in a warm and, above all, secure bedroom.’ She added, ‘Nobody comes into this house without my leave, and any intruder who came in with malice aforethought would wish they had never been born, or perhaps, if they were able to think more selectively, that I had never been born. Simplicity is entirely welcome or, I should say . . . I am welcoming the daughter of an old friend from the country, who is staying here in safety while she learns to navigate her way in this wicked city. I am sure that you, Mister Dodger, have all your work cut out as it is. Heroes are always such busy people, I have found, although I would be very grateful if you would attend me here at a dinner party tomorrow.’
Dodger listened to this, open-mouthed, until Charlie pushed past him and said, ‘Dear Angela, would it be in order to allow this young man, busy though he is, to come tomorrow with his friend and mentor, Solomon Cohen? An excellent and renowned maker of jewellery and watches.’
‘Capital. I would be most happy to meet him. I believe I have heard of him. As for you, Charlie, you know you are invited anyway, and I would like to have a quiet word with you after Mister Dodger has left.’
The word ‘left’ had an air of finality, but Dodger found that he had raised his hand, and since it was up there, he said, ‘Excuse me, miss, would you allow me to see where Miss Simplicity is going to sleep?’
‘Why, pray?’
‘Well, miss, I reckon I can get through most windows in this city, and if I can, then so can someone more nasty than me, if you see what I mean.’
He was expecting a reproof, but what he got was a broad smile from Angela. ‘You acknowledge no master, do you, Mister Dodger?’
‘I don’t know what you mean, miss, but I want to know that Simplicity is safe, you see.’
‘Well done, Mister Dodger. I will get Geoffrey to show you the room and the bars on the window. I too do not like intruders, and even now I’m wondering whether I shouldn’t employ you or some of your contemporaries to find a hitherto undiscovered way in. We might talk about this on the morrow. But now I must speak at length to Charlie.’