She sniffled, the unshed tears still lingering in her eyes. “I can’t.”
I stood, pushing off my couch, and followed her toward the door. “Nikki, please.”
“I can’t do this. I love you, Evan. Love,” she stressed in case I’d missed it the last five times she’d said it. “I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same way.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. I’d known it was coming. She’d been hinting at it for weeks—almost saying the words before chickening out when I’d abruptly change the subject. Today, she’d caught me though. And I’d had nothing to say in return. I care about you doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as I love you too.
Nikki and I had been dating for six months. Sleeping together for seven. Unofficially living together for two. But, up until thirty seconds ago, we had never uttered those three magical words.
Actually, I had only used those words one other time in my life. And the scars from that mistake still covered my heart. Nikki didn’t know they existed, but she was paying for them all the same. I wasn’t going to lie to her just for the sake of sparing her feelings. The world was fake enough without artificial emotions being tossed around.
Darting in front of her, I blocked her path to the door. “Don’t leave like this.”
“Right. And what? You just want me to stay in your house knowing you’ll never feel the same way I do.”
“I didn’t say I’d never feel the same.” Deep down, I knew I wouldn’t. But I figured that information wasn’t going to help my case.
Nikki was an incredible woman. Beautiful. Sweet. Funny. Smart. I loved spending time with her. I loved coming home from a long flight and knowing she was at home waiting for me. I loved the way her body felt underneath mine.
I just didn’t love her.
We had an undeniable connection, but it didn’t overwhelm me. Thoughts of her didn’t consume me. Nor did carnal need set me ablaze.
Nikki was the spark, but she wasn’t the fire.
But maybe love didn’t have to be a wildfire burning out of control, devouring you until there was nothing left of you for anyone else.
But that’s all I’d ever known it to be.
Maybe the level of comfort I shared with Nikki was what true love really was. Maybe it was standing in front of me and I’d set my expectations too high. Maybe I was about to watch the best thing that had happened to me since college walk out of my life just because it didn’t hurt enough to feel like love.
Maybe.
But the ice that encased my heart told me it wasn’t.
I needed the flames. I needed the burn. I needed the undeniable explosion.
Her chin quivered as her lips tipped up in a half smile. “Can I move in with you then?”
I blinked in confusion. “Nik, you basically already live here.”
She took a step toward me. “No. I mean…can I move in with you, Evan? No basically. No practically. Can I pay the electric bill and give up my apartment?”
My pulse spiked. I didn’t realize I had taken a step away until she moved toward me.
“That’s what I thought,” she whispered, fighting back more tears. “Move, Evan. I need to go.”
“Wait.” I sidestepped to stop her. What the fuck was I doing? Let her go, jackass.
Guilt lodged in my gut as I stared into her red-rimmed eyes. Scanning through every possible excuse, I tried to find the right words that would keep her with me without having to lie to her face. I wanted nothing more than to return her feelings. I would have sold my soul just to feel the fire again.
But I’d never feel it with her.
I was only fighting the inevitable. “We at least need to talk. Are you coming back?”
She sucked in a shaky breath. “I don’t know.”
Raking a hand through my hair, I told her the most honest thing I had to offer. “I don’t want you to leave.”
She cupped my cheek and peered into my eyes. “I don’t want to leave, either.” The pain etched across her face told me it was the truth. The resolve in her stiff body told me it was going to happen anyway.
“Nik, come on,” I said like a dumbass.
She wasn’t being irrational. She had just realized she wasn’t ever going to get what she wanted from me. And yet there I stood, asking her to stay anyway.
“Let me go, Evan,” she breathed. The deeper meaning of her statement wasn’t lost on me.
Pain sliced through me, but short of lying and discrediting everything I had ever felt, I had no other choice.
My hand fell away, and seconds later, she was gone.
“Son of a bitch,” I growled, banging the heel of my hand against my front door.
The sound of her car pulling out of my driveway rumbled in my ears—and my heart.
Nikki was the best thing I’d had in years. Yet it still hadn’t been enough. Nothing was, and it was exhausting.
This was for the best.
It just didn’t feel like the best though.