Paul Radley had tried to steal her daughter’s identity. She’d suffered at his hands, because of her own mother. Alicia had been trying to keep their family together, yet she’d almost torn them apart. She’d worried that Justin and Sophie might never be able to forgive her, but she’d underestimated them both. What Sophie needed to do now was what her mother had felt unable to: talk about what had happened, not allow it to fester inside her, asking herself ‘what-ifs’. What if I hadn’t…? What if I’d done this differently? Or that? From that came self-doubt. That was the negative emotion that ultimately destroyed people, stifled them and robbed them of all they could be. If anyone could help Sophie get past that, realise she wasn’t responsible for other people’s actions, it was Justin, who’d loved her unquestioningly. Who always would. Alicia had made a mistake all those years ago in not telling him, yet she’d made at least one good decision in her life, of that Alicia was sure. There was no father more loving than Justin. He would always be there for his daughter.
‘Dad… I’m sorry,’ Sophie said hesitantly, ‘about taking off like that at the shopping centre. About being so angry with you. I think I was a bit screwed up. After Luke, I mean. And then, when I heard… what you said… and realised…’
‘You and me both,’ Justin assured her, as she trailed off. ‘We all say stuff, Sophie – heat-of-the-moment stuff, when we’re hurting or angry, which doesn’t reflect what we really feel inside. I think the best thing we can do now is move forward don’t you?’ he asked her tentatively. ‘Be there for each other?’
Sophie paused. ‘Just so you know, though, I never stopped thinking about you as my dad, no matter what I tried to tell myself. Not in my heart.’
‘Looks like you’re stuck with me,’ Justin joked. ‘So… are you going to eat the rest of that cake, or am I going to have to help out?’
‘Ditto. For your sins,’ Sophie answered, her tone sounding less uncertain and more like herself. Alicia felt hope rise inside her that she wouldn’t be too affected by the monster who’d tried to control her. ‘And, no you can’t have my cake,’ she added. ‘It’s, like, chocolate.’
‘More than I dare do to go near that then.’ Justin chuckled.
‘Do you still love Mum?’ Sophie asked, just as Alicia was about to go in.
Alicia stepped back, fearing his next words might truly kill her.
‘I never stopped loving her, Sophie,’ Justin said, after a second that seemed to last an eternity. ‘Why would I have?’
‘Can you forgive her for what she did?’ was Sophie’s next question. ‘For not telling you about me, I mean?’
Again, Justin hesitated. ‘I wish she had told me,’ he said eventually. ‘I wish she’d felt able to.’ He paused, drawing in a breath. ‘I think she did what she did with the best intentions though. It’s not easy to accept, if I’m honest – not easy to accept my own culpability in why she felt she couldn’t – but yes, I think I can. Can you?’
‘Uh-huh,’ Sophie said thoughtfully, after a second. ‘Her decision-making was a bit shit, but I do think she made the choices she did for the right reasons.’
Sophie would heal. In time she would be whole again. And if she faltered in the future, Justin would always be there to catch her. Alicia swallowed back a different kind of lump in her throat.
‘I’ve brought you an extra slice,’ she said, going on in. ‘I think we deserve to indulge—’ She stopped as Justin’s phone rang, an uneasy feeling of trepidation washing over her.
Placing his cake on the coffee table, she sat down next to where Sophie was parked on her favourite spot on the sofa.
Glancing worriedly at her, Justin got to his feet, nodding towards the hall to indicate he would take the call there.
‘You forgot a crumb.’ Alicia smiled at Sophie, who was dabbing up the last of the cream from her plate with her finger.
Justin came back into the lounge a minute later, his face pale, Alicia noted – worryingly pale. ‘DI Taylor.’ He smiled, for Sophie’s sake. ‘He wants to have a chat.’
Alicia nodded slowly. ‘When?’ she asked him, trying to remain calm, though her stomach knotted inside her.
Justin kneaded his forehead. ‘He’s on his way.’
Seventy-Eight
ALICIA
Justin had been like a cat on hot bricks. He was trying to keep his emotions under control, for Sophie’s sake, but he was pacing endlessly, breathing slowly, trying to stay calm. He was concerned, as he obviously would be, that DI Taylor’s visit was to do with what had happened to Paul Radley.
‘Are you warm enough, sweetheart?’ Alicia asked Sophie, who’d gone quiet, also anticipating DI Taylor’s visit with apprehension, for her own reasons. Alicia knew she would be struggling with her own confused emotions – guilt being one of them. She just hoped Sophie would be able to talk more about how she was feeling as time went on, that she would realise she – and Justin, in particular – understood.
Sitting in the middle of the sofa, her legs tucked under herself and a faraway look in her eyes, Alicia guessed Sophie was going over things now, the chain of events since the day her dear baby brother had died, as they all would for a long time to come. Alicia made a mental note to try to encourage her to put the bad memories behind her and cherish the good ones, the time she did have with Lucas, as Alicia and Justin would try to alongside her.
She would never truly be able to forgive herself for her naivety in imagining the whole mess would go away the day Paul Radley had. That he wouldn’t come back to haunt her. She’d never dreamed it would be her daughter he would haunt. If she had… But it was too late for that now. She would die to undo it, but she couldn’t. All she could do was be there for her daughter.
‘Sophie? Are you all right, sweetheart?’ She reached to squeeze her hand.
Sophie nodded again, and then looked worriedly towards Justin, who was gazing out of the window.
‘It’s probably just a routine call,’ Alicia tried to reassure her. ‘Don’t fret too much about it, Sophie. You’re not obliged to talk about anything unless you want to.’
Sophie smiled distractedly at her, and then turned her attention back to Justin. ‘Dad? ‘What’s up?’ she asked him, clearly feeling his anxiety too.
Alicia followed her gaze to where Justin was still standing at the window.
‘Dad?’
‘What?’ Justin turned around, looking preoccupied. ‘Oh, sorry, Pumpkin.’ He dragged a hand over his neck, smiled tiredly and came towards her. ‘I was miles away.’
‘I gathered,’ Sophie said, her forehead furrowed with worry. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ Justin said, glancing quickly at Alicia. ‘That is…’ He took a breath and sat down next to Sophie. ‘There is something I need to tell you before Taylor turns up. You too, Alicia.’
Noticing the nervous look in his eyes, Alicia swallowed hard, feeling hot and clammy suddenly, as she imagined what he might be about to say.
‘Dad, what?’ Sophie urged him, looking as wary as Alicia felt.
Justin took hold of Sophie’s hand, twisting around to make sure he had full-on eye contact with her, which sent a fresh wave of apprehension down Alicia’s spine. ‘I need you to know that I’ve loved you from birth, Sophie,’ he said firmly. ‘And before that, when you were just a tiny heartbeat on the monitor.’
He looked again at Alicia, whose heart was now thudding frantically. His expression was deadly serious. It was bound to be, under the circumstances, but Alicia prayed he wasn’t about to announce something that would rock Sophie’s world further. Her world. They needed him, both of them, now more than ever, if they were going to get through this.
‘There was never a second I didn’t love you,’ Justin went on. ‘There will never be. No matter what the future may bring.’
Justin hesitated, glancing briefly at Alicia.
‘Dad, what do you mean “no matter what the future may bring”? You’re starting to scare me.’
Justin took a breath. ‘I, er…’ he started, and stopped. ‘If I should have to go away for any reason…’
Now Sophie looked extremely nervous. ‘Away, as in something work related?’ she asked, doubt clouding her eyes.
‘Possibly.’ Justin’s gaze flicked again towards Alicia and then back to Sophie
‘Like fictitious conferences because you don’t want to be here?’ Sophie attempted to pull away from him.
‘What?’ Justin looked confused, then, ‘No,’ he said quickly. ‘God, no. I’d rather be here than anywhere. I’m not even sure I’ll need to go away yet. I just wanted you to know that my love for you never wavered, Sophie. It never will. I needed you to know that, that’s all.’
He squeezed her hand, took another long breath and waited.