“That’s not good.”
Jasper half laughs. “No. Not good at all. We were all hungover. Had no business going on the dive. I was buddied up with a guy I’d just met that week. We were working on a case, had partnered with a firm out in San Diego. He was a decent enough lawyer, but a blustery asshole of a man, all hat, and no cattle, as they say. A talker, a major talker. He’d been talking my ear off all week. Mostly about how his divorce was final, and that was a good thing, because his stupid ex-wife had managed to get herself knocked up, and he hated kids, wasn’t ready to settle down, so he’d bailed on the bitch, quote unquote.”
“I take it his name was Kyle Noonan?”
“Yeah.” Jasper rubs a hand over his face. “You know how guys like that are. They don’t like to be told what to do. We were setting everything up on the boat, and we were all goofing around, getting ready for our last dive of the day, and I must have misread his tank. I remember thinking it might have been a little low, but nothing dangerous. Either way, I should have warned him he needed to stay close to the boat in case he needed to rise up quickly, but I got caught up in another conversation, and before I could tell him, he went down, and the tank malfunctioned. He couldn’t get back to the surface in time.
“It was my fault. I was his partner on the dive. We shouldn’t have been geared up at all, we had all been drinking pretty heavily the night before, but that’s no excuse. He was my partner. I screwed up, and a man died.”
“Sounds like all of you were to blame. Did anyone know? Any of the others?”
Jasper shakes his head. “Everyone thought it was an accident, we all agreed I’d warned him of the low air. It was an accident, and shit happens, right?”
“Right.”
“Hey, don’t judge me, asshole.”
“I’m not. I’ve screwed up, and it cost lives, too. Get off your high horse, I’m not saying anything.”
“Sorry.”
They are quiet for the moment, watching two hawks soar the thermals. “I guess that’s not the end of the story?”
“No. I came back to Denver and looked up the ex-wife. I was going to say something, I guess to apologize in some way. Assuage my guilt. Make it right for her, offer some cash to cover things while she got set with the kid. Noonan made it clear he’d gotten out of the marriage scot-free, and she was left with nothing. Marital deception, some arcane ruling he managed to talk a judge into. And here she is, with this perfect little baby, and she seemed so lost and overwhelmed, and I couldn’t help myself. I stepped right into the void and never looked back.”
“Did you love her?”
“Yeah. I did.”
“Did you tell her? The note, the passport—she figured something out.”
“Early on in our marriage, I got drunk one night, and we had a big fight. I hinted I knew that Lauren’s ex was a total douche from personal experience. My passport went missing right after that. She figured it out. She is so smart.”
“She’s cunning. Do you think she was trying to protect you, or putting it aside to dangle it over you at the right time if she needed to?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything about her anymore.”
*
They agree, in the way of men who have carried guilt for much of their lives, that no one will benefit from hearing the whole story except for those directly affected—in other words, Mindy.
They agree to call a truce between them, to focus their energies on helping Mindy heal, and to helping Mindy move on.
They agree, standing on the windswept hillside, to share the girl between them. To always stand by her, to be there for her, to make up for the losses of both of her mothers.
They shake on it, then drive back to the hospital to visit their daughter.
Later that night, in the cool air of the Wrights’ guest room, Kat cuddled next to him on the bed, Zack reads the letters between the two women, and the letter to him from his dead wife.
Thirty minutes later, in shock, he whispers, “Oh, my love.” His heart is breaking for what could have been, for what he was too stupid to see. “Oh, V.”
He reads the letter again, the tears welling. Revels in the words from his dead wife, hearing her voice, smiling and laughing and crying. Is angry at himself all over again.
He could have saved her if she’d just told him the truth.
95
July 2000
Zachary, my darling,
I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. The baby is kicking up a storm, I really can’t wait for you to meet her.
I have some bad news. I don’t know how to tell you this, so I am going to write it down, and then... I can’t tell you over the phone. This is news that should be shared in person, but I’m not strong enough.
First, let me say you have been the greatest gift of my life. I love you very much.
True confession time: I have a long and storied history with severe depression, and with suicide. And now, it’s time for me to end things properly.
I know this means I will not live to see our baby grow up. That makes me sad, it does. But every time I go down, it’s worse than the last. I just can’t take the blackness anymore.
I’ve asked a friend to help, to make sure there are no mistakes. I’m going to give her this letter and make sure it gets to you after I’m gone. Liesel will tell you about how we met, and the shape I was in then. I’m worse now. And I know it will never get better. The years I’ve spent sliding up and down—this kind of life, it’s not fair to you, or Violet.
I hope you’ll forgive me someday. I hope you’ll understand just how weak I am. I want to be strong, for once. I want to die a soldier’s death, clean and sudden, instead of lingering in pain and black.
I will always love you and watch over you. Raise our girl right. Don’t let her do anything reckless.
I’ve taken care of everything from my end. Now it’s your turn. Find someone to love, who will love our girl like she’s her own. Be happy. Be wonderful.
With all my heart,
V
96
THE WRIGHTS’ HOUSE
SIX WEEKS LATER
Mindy wakes from a delicious dream. Her mother—Vivian, walking through a green park, a book in her hand, toward a light. The air is scented with roses, and Vivian looks so happy, so carefree. She looks back over her shoulder and smiles at Mindy, waves, blows a kiss, and then she is gone.
This dream should make her sad, but instead, she feels good. Right. Strong.
The transplant worked. She can feel Zack’s energy flowing through her. The cancer was stopped in its tracks. Dr. Oliver and Dr. Berger fixed her. Zack saved her.
She slides out of the bed. The cast came off yesterday, and today she is allowed to begin light training again. She stretches her long arms to the ceiling, feels the pleasant pops and cracks that allow her spine to lengthen.
Jasper has left the breakfast makings on the counter for her. Breakfast of champions, cornflakes with strawberries and coconut milk. As she settles in, there is a knock on the door, then it opens and her aunt Juliet walks through.
“Are you ready?”
“Almost.”
“Nervous?”
Mindy smiles. “Maybe a little. I don’t want them to stare at me, you know?”
“They won’t. No one blames you for any of this. Finish your cereal. The Jeep is warm.”
Mindy puts her bowl in the sink, walking slowly on her hurt leg, using a cane for balance. It will be weeks before she can get back on her skis, but for now, a strengthening program is in place.
She’s managed to stay out of the muck of Lauren’s sentencing and incarceration. The psychologist tells her she doesn’t have to forgive her mother for being a murderer. From before Mindy’s birth, Lauren was a killer. It freaks her out to think about the lengths Lauren went to in order to protect her. Freaks her out that Lauren killed three and tried to kill a fourth. Freaks her out that her mother has gone from a beloved influence to a stranger who will be in jail for the rest of her life.
Stop thinking about her. You have your whole life to come to terms with her.