I need to shut my brain down. This is why I try and stay away from coke, it makes me think. It makes me think far too much. I need a drink. I need to get up to our room, watch some random fuck when I tell them to, and I need to get drunk. I need to drink until my brain shuts the fuck up and I can go to sleep and not dream... not dream of any of them. Not her, not my mum and not Miles.
There are a few photographers hanging about outside and I take a couple of deep breaths and get my racing thoughts under control as we stop and pose, letting them earn their money. I need to shut her down. I need to shut down all thoughts of her and fuck them off out of my brain. It’s been fifteen years... fifteen fucking years, and I seriously need to get a grip. I hate that she can still do this. I’m Conner Reed. I’m living the dream and yet a single thought, a distant memory of a little blue-eyed, blonde-haired girl from Surrey can bring me to my knees.
Well. Fuck. Her.
Tonight, I’m not gonna let that happen. I’m gonna focus on the here and now and just how great my fucking life is. I’m buzzing from the coke, the last show of the tour and the fact that I’ve just blown my load in the back of the limo. I’ve had a good night so far, so let’s pay it forward and give the paps the picture they need to pay their rent with this week. They’re wankers most of them, but at the end of the day, it’s their job and I’m happy to help out anyone that’s just trying to make a living.
The lovely Lara’s still with us and for some reason, which probably seems totally logical in Jet’s weird but beautiful mind, he’s now carrying her monkey style toward the lifts that’ll take us up to our penthouse, and the guests we invited to join us earlier. And then I see her, and my buzz and my good mood vanish in an instant.
Amanda Vale. Women like her are the reason that I don’t do return rides. I made the mistake of fucking her twice. She now assumes there’s something between us, and that I just need to come to my senses and realise it. Yeah, right! What she needs to do is take the hint that I’m not interested, then fuck off and leave me alone. I don’t do relationships. The problem is, she’s a personal assistant to our manager, Lawson, and her dad’s a major shareholder in our record label, which all means she’s around – a lot.
She’s older than me, about forty I reckon. She’s beautiful don’t get me wrong. She’s stunning and keeps herself in good shape, but none of that matters. Because she’s not her. None of them are her and that’s why none of them matter.
“Oh dear, stalker alert at two o’clock,” Jet says quietly from beside me as Lara sucks on his neck, her arms and legs wrapped around him as he continues to carry her like a baby monkey clinging to his chest.
“Yeah, I see. Don’t make eye contact.” We both keep looking straight ahead, aiming for the lift that’s only destination is to our room.
“Reed,” she calls out.
“Fuck,” Jet and I both whisper together. We both turn at the same time and face Amanda.
“Well, looky here, it’s Miss Mandy. You coming up to play with us sweetie?” Jet asks her. She knows what he’s asking. Amanda is aware of the kind of games we like to play, especially after a show. She’s seen what goes on and knows how we operate, even joining us once. I watch as her eyes move from me to Jet, to Lara and back to Jet again.
“I actually wondered if you fancied going for something to eat, Reed.” Her eyes move back to mine. Fuck, I don’t want to be an arsehole, but there’s no way I’m going anywhere with her.
“Sorry Amanda, I’ve already got plans,” I tell her.
“But you’re more than welcome to join us if you want,” Jet adds.
“Will I have your undivided attention if I do, Reed?”
I shake my head before she’s even finished speaking. “You know that’s not how we operate, Amanda. Now if you don’t mind, it’s been a long tour, and now it’s over I’m gonna go and have some fun before I fly home tomorrow.” We turn and head back toward the lift and leave her standing there. I feel bad, but I shouldn’t. We had a quick fuck in an office at the studios one drunken night and then she joined Jet and me for a foursome with some other girl, whose name I don’t remember. Although technically, I just watched and directed the three of them in action, until the very last minute when I came in the mouth of the unnamed girl, pissing Amanda off big time. That was about three months ago, and despite me telling her from the start there was nothing more than sex between us since then, she’s constantly tried ways to be alone with me. She’s invited me out for drinks, lunch, coffee, and dinner. She’s tried them all. I’ve refused each and every offer and yet here she is, still trying, still not giving up. She’s persistent, I’ll give her that.