***
Two days until graduation. No more clinical, no more classes, no more mind-numbing lectures. I should be happy. I should be overjoyed, excited, shouting from the rooftops like Adalyn and Logan who are still at the bar celebrating. But instead, I sit in the driveway of an empty house, aching for the one person I want to celebrate with. The one person who still isn’t home.
I turn off my car and once again, walk into an empty house. When I step into the kitchen, a giant sign on a poster board greets me. In glitter paint—oh, Racer—it reads, Congratulations, Emma! You’re done!
A soft smile plays over my lips from the gesture. Tucker hasn’t missed a beat since he first switched our rooms around. Whether it was ordering pizza for me one night, leaving notes around the house just so I can be connected to him, or sending a gift card to take out Logan and Adalyn for dinner to celebrate. He’s been there every step of the way, and yet, he hasn’t. I understand he has to be gone for work, but I just want him back. This distance is really placing a toll on my aching heart.
At the bottom of the poster, there’s an arrow pointing me in the direction of the hallway. I follow it to another arrow that points me toward the bathroom. When I get to the bathroom, one more arrow greets me and points me in the direction of the spare bedroom. The bedroom I’m not allowed to go into.
My heart rate picks up as I spot a card taped to the door. With a shaky and unsteady hand, I reach for it and read the front.
Open me.
I twist the card around, stick my finger in the envelope and tear it open. There is no card, just a letter written on hotel paper. Leaning against the wall, I sink down to the floor, needing some support, and read the letter.
Hey baby,
Congratulations on finishing up classes, you must be so proud of yourself. I know I am. If I haven’t said it before, I admire you and I’m damn fucking proud of you. Your soul was made to take care of people, and the world of medicine is lucky to have you. Just a few more days and it will all be over. Your hard work will finally pay off.
As for me, I wanted to wait until you were done with school to open up to you one last time. What’s behind this door is a painful past, something that’s taken me a long time to understand, something that’s taken me even longer to accept.
But I’m ready. So when you are, open the door and take it all in.
Forever yours,
Tucker
With the letter close to my chest, I look over at the unopened door and wonder what’s behind it. I guess there’s only one way to find out.
Regretful that Tucker isn’t here to do this with me, I think about saving this moment until he’s home but change my mind. He laid this all out for me, he has a plan, and I should follow it. On shaky legs, I take a deep breath and open the door. It’s almost pitch black, so I feel around the wall for a light and when I hit a switch, my eyes adjust to the brightness, taking a second to observe what I’m seeing.
The walls are painted a pretty, neutral yellow, the floors are waxed and glistening under the single light in the room, and in the middle of it all is a vintage white crib. My heart seizes in my chest, the beat slowing to a snail’s pace, as an aching feeling turns me numb from the inside out.
A nursery.
He’s been hiding a nursery this entire time. Tears fall down my face, staining my cheeks as I walk over to the crib where another card rests. This one I open immediately while I sit on the ground, my legs feeling too weak to hold me up.
Hey baby,
Thank you for being brave and walking into his room without me. I’m sorry I can’t be there with you while you take this in, but I thought it was important for you to know all of me.
This is it. The last thing I’ve been holding back.
When I found out Sadie was pregnant, I tried to grasp anything to resurrect our failing relationship, so I bought this house with the hope of starting a family here. I spent a day painting this room and building this crib as a surprise. Unfortunately, I never got to show her when she was pregnant. As you know, we lost the baby, and we lost ourselves.
I can’t tell you the excitement I had in my bones to be a dad. I was so fucking thrilled. I was going to do it right, I told myself. I was going to bring this baby into a loving home. I was going to take care of it and give it the childhood I wish I had.
I was going to do everything right.
And then everything went wrong. I couldn’t understand why I would lose my baby and Sadie at the same time, but after a lot of reflection, I’ve come to realize the home I wanted to bring that baby into wasn’t ready. And the love between Sadie and me was embellished in my head from many years of relying on her.
By the time she went to college, we weren’t in love, but were just latching on to what we’d had in the past. I’m not sure how much of a loving home we could have provided for that baby given our doomed relationship.
Would we have made it work? Yes, but sometimes bad things happen for a reason.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of the baby, but I have to be grateful because from a horrific event came light.
I will always wonder about him or her. The baby will forever be in my heart, but I’m ready to move past the pain and be the man you deserve, because with great tragedy came an unexpected blessing: you.
I miss you. Wear my shirt tonight, dream of me.
Forever yours,
Tucker
The letter slips through my hands as I cry an ugly amount of tears. This man; this soulful, passionate, sincere man. His heartache is my heartache, and I’m feeling it all the way to my toes. This is what he has hidden from the world. From me. This is why his soul hadn’t completely healed. I get it.
I get you, Tucker.
Desperate, I call him. “Please pick up, please pick up,” I mutter, rocking back and forth on the floor.
When his voicemail comes on the line, again, I lean back on the floor, more tears pouring out of me.
“Hey, it’s Tucker. If this is Emma, please know I want nothing more than to be holding you right now, kissing your forehead, and chasing your heartache away. Just know, baby, I’m happy and you make me happy. If this is Racer, I’m not reimbursing you for the glitter paint, so don’t ask again.”
This time, I don’t laugh. Instead, I’m numb, lying on the ground, wishing for some kind of miracle that Tucker will soon be home, because I’m not sure I can go many more days without him.
***
“We did it!” Adalyn shouts, hands in the air as she runs in place in excitement.
“Does this mean you can take my pulse and be accurate?” Racer asks as he looks between Adalyn, Logan, and me.
Adalyn stops mid run and gives Racer a pointed look. “If you can’t take your own pulse you shouldn’t be a functioning member of society.”
“I get nervous I won’t be able to find one. I don’t want to be dead.”