She turns in the bed and sits up. From the light pouring in from the moon, I can see her eyes are puffy from crying. Bitter pain runs down my spine. I did this to her. I’m constantly doing this to her, upsetting her when she’s done absolutely nothing but love on me.
She wipes her cheeks and then pulls her legs into her chest, a defensive position I don’t care for. “There is nothing to really talk about, Tucker.”
“To hell there isn’t. I was an ass back there. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
“Oh, that we are just having fun?” I cringe from her sarcastic tone. “Because isn’t that what this is? Just fun? There isn’t any emotional connection behind what we have as it’s just been sex, right?”
“No—”
“Well it was for me.” She jabs me in the gut. “Just a little fun before I graduated. Isn’t that what you wanted, Tucker? Rule number one, let loose? Well, I did. I let loose, I had some fun, and now it’s time for me to focus on graduating, taking my exams, and moving on and moving out.”
I grind my teeth together from hearing her say those two words. Move out. Just hearing those words causes a deep-rooted ache within me. Move out, fuck, that terrifies me. I don’t want her to leave. She can’t fucking leave.
I try to take her hand but she doesn’t let me so I run my hand over my face, my frustration over this situation growing exponentially and my inability to voice my thoughts clogging my throat. “It wasn’t just fun for me, Emma. You mean something to me.”
“Yeah?” She nods. “Good to know.” Fuck I hate this. This is not my Emma.
“Are you going to say what we have doesn’t mean anything to you?”
Her response isn’t quick. It’s more calculated as she chews on her bottom lip, her eyes falling to her knees, trying to figure out how to break my fucking heart. I can see it in her posture, in the way she’s shutting down. For once, she’s saving herself before I can do any more damage.
When she looks back up at me, I can see the finality in her eyes. This is over for her. Too bad it’s not fucking over for me.
“You’re my friend, Tucker, so of course you mean something to me. But what we’ve had, it was just temporary, not long-term. I think it would be best to end everything and stay as friends, so at least we have that.”
“Stay as friends.” I nod, anger vibrating off me.
“Yeah, I think it’s for the best. Plus with everything changing in a month, who knows where I’ll be? Best end it now.”
“Where you’ll be, what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I’ve been applying for jobs, Tucker. Some are out of state.”
“What?” I stand, my anger blinding me now. “You’ve applied to jobs out of state? When the hell were you going to tell me this?”
“I didn’t think it was necessary . . . since we were only having fun.” She hits me with those regretful words again, but I call bullshit.
I lean forward and plant my hands on either side of the wall behind her, trapping her, forcing her to look me in the eyes. I speak low, deliberately. “You can dick around all you want, Emma, but you and I both know we weren’t just having fun. Was I scared about admitting my feelings to you in front of Sadie? Yeah. Did I want to protect your relationship with Sadie by minimalizing what we have? Fuck, I did. Did I mean any of it? No. Because what we have between us is different. It’s solid. It’s fucking beautiful. I might have fucked this up between us tonight, but moving forward, I won’t be doing that again because you mean everything to me, Emma. Fucking everything.”
I push off the wall and walk to her door just as she calls out, her voice shaky, “It’s over, Tucker.”
“Not if I can fucking help it.”
I slam her door shut and retreat to my room, my heart heavy, and a whirlwind of emotions swirling through my head. I can’t lose her. Why the fuck did I say something so stupid? Things were so good. You’re a stupid asshole, Jameson.
She’s the best thing in my life.
My everything.
She’s not moving. This is not over. That woman down there, she’s meant to be mine and I’ll be damned if I let her walk away from me. She doesn’t need to protect her heart from me. She holds mine in her hands, and I’ll never take it back. Emma Marks is mine.
Chapter Twenty-Three
EMMA
Have you ever tried studying when all you can think about is the broken heart that beats regardless within your chest? It’s pretty much impossible. I haven’t retained anything in three weeks, which is proving to be detrimental to my studying schedule. Graduation is in two weeks, my exam is two days after that and all I can think about is Tucker.
Not if I can fucking help it.
His parting words to me. Since that night, I haven’t heard from him. Not a phone call, not a text, not even a little morning hello. The only thing I’ve received from him was a note on the counter two days after our fight saying he’s been sent to Pittsburgh for another training project. He wasn’t sure when he would be back. He asked me to water the plants and be sure to eat my daily amount of vegetables.
That was it.
Since then, nothing.
I know I ended everything, but after his parting words, I thought maybe there was some hope, maybe he could get past his demons and fully embrace me. Us. But three weeks of radio silence has tamped down that hope, straight into the grave that is Tucker and Emma.
“Uh hello, earth to Emma.” Adalyn snaps her fingers in my face. “Are you going to say hi?”
“What?” I look away from the sentence I’ve highlighted five times to see Logan standing at the end of our table. “Oh, uh, hey, Logan.”
“Hey.” He looks to Adalyn and then back to me. “Think I can borrow you for a second?”
Since I have yet to actually retain what I’m reading, I’m thinking a little break in the monotony of studying might do me some good.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Want to go get some coffee at the kiosk?” he asks.
“Sure. Adalyn, do you want anything?”
“Caffeine dripped from the coffee bean’s teat. Ask if they have an IV.”
“I take that as a dark roast, black.” She nods and focuses all her attention on the books in front of her. That should be me. Single focused.
Should.
As we walk to the kiosk, we’re both silent, making this outing a little awkward. We order our drinks and while we wait, Logan finally breaks the ice by knocking his foot playfully against mine. “I don’t think we’ve ever been this quiet around each other.”
“I don’t think so either.” I nervously laugh and then sigh. “Listen, Logan, I’m sorry for getting so defensive—”
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so bold in my assumptions. You were right, I didn’t know you two as a couple and I never should have said anything. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Our order is called out and instead of going back to the library, we sit on the bench. Adalyn’s coffee is piping hot so we have some time to spare.
“So, how’s it going with you two?”
My eyes sting as I hold back the tears that have wanted to fall every second of every day whenever I think of Tucker. “It’s not going,” I answer, my throat choking up on me.