The noise that day is exactly the same as it is now, watching Arion being secured for transport.
“Is one of you her significant other?”
“I am,” Bain responds looking right at me. I nod my head, letting him know that I agree. The truth is, I am not hers, nor is she mine. Not now. I left her and made the biggest mistake the day I enlisted. Today I’d thought our love was strong enough and she would come running to me, but I guess not. Staring down at the ground, I can’t bring my eyes up to meet his again.
The room is dark and everything is quiet, it’s the only place that I feel at peace…alone and away from the world. For so many months, I laid like this, praying for the day that I would get to come home and see my family. My parents and Arion are all that really matter to me. They always have been and I know that will never change. Even if things with Arion didn’t go as planned, I will never give up on her, because I was given a second chance at life, and I know my life was meant to be spent with her.
Even though I lived through hell, I knew the day my parents arrived in Germany at the military hospital and Arion did not come with them that something was wrong. But even then, I never gave up hope. Until now.
I should be thankful for being given a second chance at all, but how can I when the person who matters most to me, who kept me alive, day in and day out while I was living in hell, loves someone else?
Closing my eyes, I can still hear my dad’s words as he broke the news to me. She’s moved on. Both of my parents felt so sorry for me then, and they still do now. But sorry didn’t do shit then and it sure as hell isn’t doing shit now.
There’s a knock on my door and I don’t answer, instead I pretend that I’m sleeping like I have so many other times. My dad flips the light on and sits on my bed. “How are you holding up?”
I shake my head without responding.
“Listen, I know you’re in pain and I feel for you, Nate, I really do. But dammit you’re alive. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?”
“Trust me, Dad, I know,” I gripe.
“Then would you start acting like it?”
Seriously? “Is this really how you’re going to treat me? After thinking I was dead?”
“Nate, you know your mother is ill and you don’t seem to give two shits about her or me for that fact. So yeah, this is how I’m going to treat you. You have a doctor’s appointment in about an hour. Maybe you could shower and not act like your life is over. Open your eyes – you’ve been given an amazing second chance at life, son.”
My dad walks off and I roll over, forcing myself to open my eyes. It hurts, fuck it hurts, but his words resonate with me. My mother is in a lot of pain and has taken the news of her medical problems really hard. Plus, as much as I don’t want to admit it and want to wallow in my own bullshit…I am very lucky to be alive.
Thinking for a few moments about my parents, and what they must have gone through when I was gone…it’s hard to even imagine…so I take a dose of my dad’s advice, knowing I have to fake it for them. I can do that. They deserve at least that from me, not this pathetic immature person who sulks around. Plus, I need to figure out a plan to get Arion back. Being depressed and in bed isn’t the place to do that.
Getting out of bed, I make my way into the bathroom, crutches and all. Leaning over, I turn the shower on and then sit on the lid of the toilet to get undressed. What used to be such a normal everyday thing is now so difficult. I become frustrated very easily, but do my best in this moment to keep that in check. Getting into the shower, I leave my crutches outside and sit on the stool that my dad put in here for me. Looking down at my legs, tears fill my eyes. It pains me to remember how I used to be. I was so athletic and full of energy.
When I left two years ago, I had so many plans and now…this is my reality. I guess it was crazy of me to think Arion wouldn’t get on with her life after the news of my death. She’s perfect and Bain jumped at the opportunity, now he’s the lucky one.
I wipe away the tears, remembering my dad’s words again. I begin to wash myself, trying to forget about everything for a little bit. I just want some relief from the torture of my mind. But then her face flashes before mine as I rinse myself. I think the thing that really sickens me most about it all is how when I showed up at her apartment, her reaction to me was that of…fear.