My heart stops, shocked at his words. We’ve never discussed marriage, so I can’t believe that is what he just said. I really shouldn’t be surprised. I know that Bain and I have so many plans for the future, but marriage hasn’t come up yet.
I continue to listen, even though I know it’s so wrong. I just can’t stop.
“That’s not how she is, Mom,” his voice is laced with annoyance and a hint of emotion. He’s crying. Fuck, I have to figure out what to do. Suddenly he is very far away and I hear the click of the patio door shut. I sit up and look through the condo. His gorgeous frame is standing outside, leaning over the balcony railing. Maybe talking to him can help me decide what in the world I am supposed to do. I get up and find my clothes scattered about the room. Seeing them like this reminds me of the time we shared last night. I put them back on and head right towards Bain. We have to talk about things. I can’t go on like this anymore.
Thankfully he is no longer on the phone. He’s resting back on one of our lounge chairs with his arm draped over his eyes, wearing only a pair of his underwear. The second the door clicks when I close it, he sits up looking at me. It’s a warm summer morning, the sun baking our patio and us. Bain wipes away his tears when he sees me and it kills me that he’s so upset. He opens his arms to me. I go to him, sitting between his legs. He smells divine like always, mixing up my brain and making it hard to think.
“Did I wake you?” he asks.
“No.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah,” I respond, trailing my fingers over his tattooed chest, as my head rests comfortably on him.
“Are you okay today?” he asks me.
Shaking my head, I look at him and say, “I don’t know, Bain. I just don’t know what I am, or what to do.”
“I know, baby, I feel the same way.”
Looking at him for the answers, I ask, “What would you do?”
“Oh, baby, I can’t answer that. I’m biased.”
Clinging to him, I hold on, afraid that I’m going to lose what we have. Then the words that have been haunting me for the last three days leave my mouth of their own accord. “I’m scared.”
“I know. I’m fucking petrified, baby.” He strokes my hair saying, “I can’t lose you, Arion. I don’t want to unfairly ask you to choose me, but I cannot fucking lose you.” His voice cracks and he holds me as tight as he ever has.
“I don’t want that either.”
Then Nate crosses my mind and my heart hurts. Nate. I have to see him. I can’t avoid the situation forever. Thinking of him gives me a different feeling than what I share with Bain. With Nate, there is a sense of security – safety. And with Bain, there is nothing but pure, raw desire and passion. I love them both but on two totally different levels. My stomach turns thinking of the differences and knowing that I have to decide.
“Arion, I know you have the world’s hardest decision to make, and I don’t know what’s going through your mind. But I’m begging you with everything inside of me to put into consideration how good we have things. We have come so far, and our life is amazing.”
“I know, Bain. Trust me, I love our life and you. But I also can’t ignore the fact that Nate is alive and once upon a time he was my future, and he and I shared what you and I have.”
We sit silent for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything. I know that my words hurt him, but I have to be honest with him. I’ll always be honest with Bain, no matter how bad it hurts.
“I need your help deciding what to do. I have to talk to Nate, as much as I want to act like this never happened. I’m completely lost as to what to do and I know you can’t tell me…but I want to make sure that you know what’s going on.”
“I know. I know you have to talk to him and I don’t want to be the one to tell you that you can’t, because he was your first love and you both had planned a future together. But I truly think as long as you follow your heart with this, we will stay together. I’m sure you have so many unanswered questions. Like I do, so I can’t tell you how to handle things. Because if I did or if I was really being honest, I would…” he trails off without finishing his sentence.
I have a pretty good idea of what he is going to say. My heart aches thinking of his earlier words. I’d fucking marry her. Jesus, what am I supposed to do?
“Maybe you should call Nate’s mom or dad and talk to them?” Bain suggests. “They’ve been like parents to you.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”
“Do you wanna head in and eat breakfast? You need to take your medicine.”
“Sure,” I respond, completely forgetting that I now have to take something daily. I stand and he reaches for me, standing himself.