YOUR HANDS ARE GRIPPED around a bat. You roll your shoulders back and forth and get ready to swing with all your power. In front of you is a pi?ata filled with all the things you dislike: ignorant comments, ridiculous trending topics, and animal cruelty. The pi?ata is in the shape of a cow, which further triggers you. You take a deep breath, pull the bat back, and swing it forward with all your strength, causing the pi?ata to explode into pieces. Everything you hate is scattered all over the floor, and in a complete rage you continue to break those pieces into even smaller pieces. The pieces are turning into a puree at this point. You’re breaking the tiles on the floor. The neighbors are complaining. Finally you stand up straight and look at all the terrible things you’ve bashed. You feel great …
… until the next morning, you wake up to a world filled with ignorant comments and animal cruelty. Not to mention that “Replace famous movie titles with ‘butthole’ ” is the number one worldwide trend on twitter. How is this possible?! That’s because bashing on what you hate doesn’t actually get rid of it; it usually just makes you feel better for a short amount of time. If you want to solve problems, don’t lash out at all the things that are wrong. Instead, promote all the wonderful solutions. In other words, promote what you love; don’t bash what you hate.
“PROMOTING WHAT YOU LOVE RESULTS IN SEEING MORE OF WHAT YOU LOVE IN THE WORLD.
I learned this lesson when I started doing media interviews more frequently. Prior to my appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, I went through media training. One of the main lessons I learned during my training is that the media is always looking for a sound bite. More often than not, they will look for something dramatic or negative that mildly skews what you’ve actually intended to say. It’s a sad reality, but unfortunately it’s what sells in today’s society. Still, I’ve had to learn how to handle situations in which I’m asked controversial questions, and my experiences have led me to create this mantra: promote what you love, don’t bash what you hate.
Here is an example of how to apply this:
QUESTION:
What do you think about the Taylor Swift/Katy Perry drama?
ANSWER:
I think Taylor and Katy are both strong, influential women who do a lot to inspire young girls and I respect that. I think the great work they do to motivate people is more important than anything else going on.
Instead of talking about all the reasons I hate this question, I highlight everything I love about the two women I’ve been asked about. I want more motivational, strong women in the world, and so I’ll promote that part of the story, rather than bash all the things I dislike about the media.
Imagine that your actions in real life function similarly to the way YouTube recommends videos for you to watch. The more cat videos you enjoy and watch, the more cat videos YouTube will recommend for you to watch. Positively reinforcing what you like results in more of what you like. Just the same, if you watch an abundance of gruesome murder videos, you’ll be exposed to more gruesome murder videos. If you’re scrolling through Facebook and see that one of your friends (aka someone you apparently went to school with ten years ago and who you barely remember) has written something you think is in bad taste, replying to the comment will probably encourage them to reply back to you, thus creating more of the conversation you disliked in the first place. Whereas if you ignored that comment and instead gave a thumbs-up to some wonderful status your sister wrote, you would continue to see your sister’s post on your timeline. Promoting what you love results in seeing more of what you love in the world.
Now, it’s true that there can be several exceptions to this rule. How can you not bash what you hate if someone is doing or saying hurtful things or possibly even harming something you love? We all hold certain things close to our hearts, and when they are attacked, we become triggered. That’s completely normal and expected because, surprise, we’re all human. Sometimes we have to speak up about the things we disagree with. Still, with that said, it’s important to recognize the difference between bashing what you hate and coming up with a solution. It’s never fruitful to simply hate on something; you also have to try to fix it.
“IF I WAS GOING TO LET MY PASSION GET THE BEST OF ME, THEN I HAD BETTER USE THAT PASSION TO ALSO PROMOTE WHAT I LOVE.
Sexism is something that really gets my blood boiling. I get sexist comments all the time, and I’ve gotten quite used to ignoring them. I instead focus on the positive people who support me. However, after I uploaded my video titled “Why I’m NOT in a Relationship” I received a gang of disapproving comments because people were not interested in a female declaring why she didn’t need a boyfriend. A majority of the comments were from men claiming something was wrong with me. Now, I have countless videos about flirting, crushes, boyfriends, and cutesy stuff, and they’re all popular. Therefore, it irked me that the one time I made a statement about being completely content without a relationship or boyfriend, I was told I was out of line. I ended up going against my self-imposed rule and replied to the comments underneath my video, highlighting how sexist they were. But does a sassy response solve the problem of sexism? No, not even if my responses were witty and completely genius, not to mention absolutely grammatically correct (a rarity on the Internet!). In addition to my sassy comments, I also made sure to highlight other comments that were in support of strong, independent women. I made reference to my social campaign #GirlLove, which aims to empower women. Furthermore, I wrote a lengthy blog post on my Facebook page encouraging people to think more critically before giving in to a sexist mindset. If I was going to let my passion get the best of me, then I had better use that passion to also promote what I love.
It’s all about choosing your battles and fighting those battles with tact. If you’re an animal rights activist and believe everyone should be vegan, don’t write a horrible comment underneath someone’s Instagram picture of a McChicken sandwich. Instead, post an informative picture on your Instagram teaching people about all the great vegan options that exist. If you believe we need to be sending more aid to remote villages in India, don’t bash your friend for buying a new Mercedes; tell them about all the ways you’ve helped those in need and encourage them to do the same. If the option exists to promote what you love instead of bash what you don’t, you should take it. And if your passion gets the best of you and you feel the need to disapprove of something, understand that mean words, hurtful jabs, and lots of exclamation marks won’t solve the problem. If you’re going to respond or address something you don’t like, reply with ideas and words that will direct people toward the solution you love. After all, you cannot control all the things you dislike on the planet; the best you can do is inject more of what you do love into the atmosphere.
Having said all that, I’d like to send major love to all the men and women who bought this book and didn’t feel some type of way taking advice from a South Asian female. I appreciate you seeing me for my intellect and not solely for my skin color or sex. Although let’s be real: my skin color and sex are pretty awesome.
Lastly, no actual pi?atas were hurt in the writing of this chapter.
Preach
Think of one thing you are extremely passionate about and would love to promote to the world. List three ways to do this effectively without bashing anyone.
WE’VE ALL HAD MOMENTS when we’re annoyed at the lack of perfection in our lives or when something doesn’t meet our standards.
Maybe your favorite band is playing a concert and tickets are sold out. You failed your recent math test. You planned a family BBQ and it rained. You saw a brown woman on this book cover and you picked it up thinking I was Mindy Kaling and now you’re utterly disappointed. YOUR LIFE SUCKS.
But here’s the thing: it doesn’t. Your life is actually pretty effing awesome, and a real Bawse not only recognizes this but understands how important it is to be grateful and appreciate things.