THERE ARE BILLIONS of people on the planet. Some of those people will be pleasant and hold the door for you. Others will take your parking spot and key your car. Some people will borrow your phone charger and promise to give it back but slip it into their backpack anyway. You may encounter people who say horrible things to you, on a rainy day, when you’re late for work, wearing a suit that is too small for you and drinking a coffee that contains too much milk AND you’re lactose intolerant. And throughout this entire experience, your values are being tested and attacked. Thus they must be strong, because values don’t get to take vacations. If you stay true to your values only when things are going well, then those aren’t values; they’re hobbies.
A Bawse knows that values need to be upheld even during the most difficult and stressful situations. If you get in a fight with someone who makes a racial slur toward you, is it right to respond with your own racial slur? They did it first. But does that make it right? Does that action align with your values? It is so tempting to throw our values out the window when someone pushes our buttons, but our beliefs shouldn’t falter in heated situations. We’re all guilty of it. We get angry and say things we don’t mean, or we convince ourselves that our actions are justified.
The most universal example of this phenomenon is bullying. I’d like to believe that the average human being is against bullying. Although we’ve all been both victim and offender at some point in our lives, most people will tell you that bullying is wrong. We participate in anti-bullying events, use hashtags on Twitter, and support programs in schools that help students understand the effects of bullying. When we watch movies about people who are bullied, we feel for them and possibly even shed a tear. On days set aside to highlight bullying prevention, we wear a certain color to show our solidarity with the cause. Then, after all our exhausting work fighting for the cause, we get home, scroll through Facebook, and repost a video of a Kardashian having an outfit malfunction and falling flat on her face because we think it’s hilarious. If that’s the case, on your resume, underneath the heading that says “Hobbies,” you should write “bullying.”
Bullying is still bullying even if the victim is a famous millionaire. There is no justification for thinking it’s okay to make fun of a celebrity. A list of justifications I often hear people use include:
??They don’t have problems—they’re rich.
??They’ll never see it.
??They are horrible and deserve it.
Let’s explore why none of these justifications are valid.
They don’t have problems—they’re rich. People’s problems are still their problems even if they differ from yours. Let’s say that, somehow, a celebrity doesn’t have any problems (which, again, is next to impossible). Does that make it okay for you to bully them? Do you only believe that bullying is wrong in certain cases? Are all the seemingly problem-free people in this world fair game? Your value system should not change just because of circumstances.
They’ll never see it. If you stay true to your values in public and then ditch them when no one is looking, then you don’t have values, you have showpieces. If you actually believe bullying is wrong, then it doesn’t matter if you are in a crowded room or stranded on an island alone like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Your behavior shouldn’t change.
Also, for what it’s worth, many celebrities do see what’s posted on social media. And even if they don’t, everyone else with access to your timeline sees your behavior, and you are therefore perpetuating the belief that it is okay to bully people.
They are horrible and deserve it. Chances are you don’t know the celebrity in question and you are basing your judgment of them from what you see in the media. Maybe they do or say certain things that you don’t agree with, but does that make it okay to throw your values out the window? Bottom line: it doesn’t matter if you deem someone to be a good or bad person, bullying is wrong.
At the end of the day, fewer people will care if you bully a Kardashian than if you bully a co-worker. But that doesn’t matter. Even if other people don’t hold you accountable, you should hold yourself accountable. You’re a Bawse, and weak values are not in your recipe for success. When the world tempts you to go against your values, you need a shield of resistance.
Here are two ways to take your values to the gym:
PERSONAL MANIFESTO
When I’m having a hard time staying true to my values, I can literally feel it in my soul. I can feel that I’m doing things I don’t believe in, and I feel messy and dirty inside. This happens from time to time, and that’s okay as long as you make an active effort to correct your behavior. And like anytime you’re lost, the only way out is through clear direction. Be clear about what exactly your values are.
Years ago, I created a manifesto that outlined all the values I wanted to practice in my life. I wrote down a list of phrases, rules, and examples I wanted to live by. The list included complicated ideas that I was just beginning to understand, as well as simpler concepts that I believed were common sense. No matter how basic or how complex the value was, it went on the list. I kept adding to the list every time I thought of something new. It was like my private checklist for being a good human. Examples:
??Even if someone else is talking ill about someone, don’t join in.
??Stop interrupting people and give them a chance to speak.
??Your parents were patient with you when you were younger, so be patient with them now that they’re older.
Reviewing this list from time to time has been really helpful, especially during those moments when I’ve felt like I was losing myself. I would read over the guidelines and remind myself of the person I wanted to be. It was added work, but by now you should be well aware that being a Bawse isn’t easy. If you want to be a lawyer, you go to law school. If you want to be a singer, you take singing classes. If you want to be a good person with strong values, you work at it. Everything takes effort.
RECITE
I’m confident that every person on the planet who has graduated from the eighth grade knows two things: (1) when you don’t have your hand up, the teacher will call on you anyway, and (2) the mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. I have literally forgotten everything else I learned in school (I think there was a dude named Freud or something, but I’m not sure; it could have been Fred) except for the mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cell. Why? Because it was drilled into my brain. In every textbook, regardless of the grade, the mitochondria were explained in the exact same way every time. I read it on the chalkboard, wrote it on tests, and said it in presentations. We should treat our values the same way we treat the mitochondria: we must ensure that we never forget what they mean. How? Study them.
Now that you’ve created a manifesto, you should read it once a week. Recite your values to yourself throughout the day. Doodle your values on the front of your binder. When you’re upset, take a moment and visualize your manifesto. Remember who you want to be. When I need a reminder, I will often sit down somewhere alone, light a candle, close my eyes, and recite my values to myself. I want my value system to dictate my actions, and therefore it’s important that I know this system well.
At the end of the day, having strong values is optional, not mandatory. There are many people out there who do not have strong values, and their beliefs change more times than a Transformer. But you, you’re a Bawse, and when you believe something, it doesn’t matter if it’s sunny or stormy outside—you act in accordance with what you believe. Not only do strong values make you a more trustworthy and reliable person, but they help build your self-control.
Remember all those pointless math problems you had to solve in math class? Well, unlike those, figuring out your values actually matters. You’re not trying to solve for the value of x or y; instead, you’re trying to solve for a meaningful life.
Let your values be the powerhouse of the cell. Ha! Take that, mitochondria.
Start Your Manifesto
List three values/qualities that you hold dear to your heart and that define the type of person you want to be.