??Bob is very reliant on Steve and has a hard time without him.
??Bob feels confident because of Steve.
??Bob loves Steve more than anything in the world.
Very intense story arc, as you can see. After I finished listening to how much Bob missed having a relationship with Steve, I said, “That sounds like a pretty horrible and unhealthy relationship.” Bob was completely taken aback and was confused by what I meant. I know it’s difficult to think that a relationship that defined you, made you feel comfortable, and represented love to you isn’t actually what love should be. When people tell me about their relationships, they often describe something they believed was “right,” but what if that relationship was wrong all along? After all, Bob’s and Steve’s initials spell BS (zing!). Yeah, your ex was great and it was a wonderful time in your life, but was this person right for you? When you meet someone new and continuously compare them to your ex, are you comparing them to someone who was good for you, or to someone who simply was familiar and represents what you think love is supposed to look like? Is that a fair comparison?
After the conversation I had with my friend, I turned the magnifying glass on myself and analyzed some of my relationships that have ended. I haven’t been in too many romantic relationships that have scarred me (I’m definitely person number one), but I’ve had a lot of friendships that have made a strong impact on me. When I was in college I had a best friend, as most people do, and we were inseparable. Again, for the sake of trees, allow me to summarize:
??Lilly meets friend. They become best friends.
??Lilly tells her friend everything and vice versa.
??Lilly and her friend do everything together.
??Lilly doesn’t need to make any new friends because she has her best friend.
??If Lilly’s best friend wasn’t going to a party, Lilly didn’t feel like going.
??Lilly would believe everything her friend told her and vice versa.
??At social gatherings, Lilly would only hang out with her best friend.
??Lilly prioritized her best friend over everyone else.
Lilly sounds lame as eff. Thank God I’m not her. Our friendship ended over a massive argument, and I would constantly tell myself that I’d never have another friend like that friend. I used to live my life thinking there was this void because THAT best friend wasn’t there. After my conversation with Bob I had a thought: What if that’s not how best friends are supposed to be? I know that seems obvious to you, but the thought never once occurred to me, just like it didn’t occur to Bob. What if I’m simply feeling the void of not having that unhealthy relationship? Why would I want a friendship that blinds me to the possibility of making new friends? Why would I not want to go to parties and be independent? Why would I want to be in a friendship that made me ignore other people?
In most cases, when we miss someone who hurt us, it isn’t really because they were right for us; it’s that they were familiar to us and represented a certain ideal. It’s our attachment to an idealized relationship that is hard to let go of. If your friend lied to you, if your lover cheated on you, or if someone simply decided they didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore, they are not right for you. It may feel like they are, even though they hurt you, but they aren’t. You know who is right for you? The person who is everything you love about your ex, except for the part that hurt you. There are 7 billion people on the planet, and it’s naive and scientifically ridiculous to believe that such a person does not exist.
“YOU KNOW WHO IS RIGHT FOR YOU? THE PERSON WHO IS EVERYTHING YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR EX, EXCEPT FOR THE PART THAT HURT YOU.
So don’t trip. Your ex can hold a special place in your heart, a small section called “Memories LOL.” You can miss that person, but don’t let them define what a relationship is supposed to be. Don’t convince yourself that your ex is the only one for you. You experienced one type of love with them, but there are billions of other types just waiting to one-up your experience.
Now, put the darts away and start from the beginning of the book.
OUT OF THE BLUE
2009 When something is broken, you fix it. You use tape, glue, and a few nails. But what if every time you try fixing something, it breaks into smaller pieces, eventually turning into ashes? That’s my life right now. I can’t fix it. I don’t know how, and to be honest, I don’t want to. I don’t want any part of my life tomorrow to contain the pieces of today or yesterday. I give up on this life and I want a new one.
I’m too cowardly to kill myself, and so I’m going to do the next best thing: move far away. I want to move so far away that I forget about this life. And I want people to forget about me. I have a life worth forgetting. In six months I’m going to move to India and start over.
I already called my aunt, who has an unoccupied house in Punjab. I was vague with my questions, but I got the information I needed. I’m not sure what I’ll do there or how I’ll survive, but I’ll take my chances and hope for the best. That’s more than I can hope for here.
I sit in the living room and take a deep breath as my family stares back at me. They have no idea what I’m about to say and they’re definitely not going to understand or like it, but I’m ready to shut them out. I’m good at shutting things out. I feel like that’s my only talent these days. I tell them my plan and watch as my mother cries. I know she is crying because she hears the unwavering commitment in my voice. She knows this side of Lilly, the side that is stubborn and stuck in her ways. She argues with me and I sit there numb, indifferent to the negativity surrounding me. Her reassurance, comfort, and love aren’t strong enough to reach me.
I go to bed with a countdown in my mind: six months to save enough money and get out of this nightmare. I look around my room and already feel disconnected to this world. My decision is to give up. The tiny spark I have left in me goes out. Welcome to the land of no dreams.
2015 Today I decided that I’m done with this life, this comfort zone, and these nerves. I need to move on. I’ve been cowardly and it’s held me back from truly blossoming in my career. I want to move away, and in six months I will. I am finally going to fulfill my dream of moving to L.A.
For months I’ve been saying I’ll do it. My career is going so well, and I know this move will take me even further. I know exactly what I’m going to do when I get there, and that’s conquer. I’m going to create an even better life for myself, a life that not only makes me proud but makes my parents proud too.
I sit at my going-away party surrounded by people who love me. My friends and family have all shown up, and I know they will never forget me. I’m going to visit them often, and they’ll do the same, I just know it. I show them pictures of my new apartment, the first one I’ll ever live in alone, and they beam with pride.
That night, after my friends help me pack, I lie in bed and take a look around my room. I will never feel disconnected from this place, and this will always be home. I cry bittersweet tears as I say goodbye to my comfort zone. I’m not running away from this place, but I am graduating from it.