At noon, I found Lexi leaning against the wall in the lunch line, wearing gray sweatpants with holes in the knees and a faded black sweatshirt. She looked as beaten down as her outfit. Even her hair sagged.
She’d endured individual therapy that morning as well. Her therapist’s name was Michael. A guy. I felt bad that she didn’t get a girl, but she said she didn’t care. “It’s not like I’m going to tell him anything anyway,” she’d said. When we’d parted ways at Michael’s door, she’d winked at me, but now she was subdued and dark.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
She opened her mouth to respond but didn’t get a chance.
“This is ridiculous!” A girl’s voice came from the dining room, loud and stressed.
Everybody turned to look.
“I don’t understand why I can’t have it! I barely got any dinner last night, and barely any breakfast. Crackers and hummus aren’t a meal. That’s a snack! Aren’t we supposed to eat in here?”
Willa’s eyes widened.
“I mean, isn’t this an eating disorder hospital? I’d think you’d be glad I’m hungry. God!”
“What the?” I mouthed to Willa, who made the universal sign for crazy with her finger near her ear. I looked away, uncomfortable. Who was I to judge crazy in this place?
Allie turned around. “It’s Margot, the new girl who doesn’t talk. My bet is bulimic with anger issues. You guys saw her. Not eating? Definitely not her problem.”
That was mean. We were so hard on ourselves already. And of all people, why pick on Margot? It had to suck even more to be surrounded by people who lived in fear of looking like you.
“Seriously, WHY CAN’T I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE?” Margot shouted louder. She sounded desperate.
“Well,” Lexi said, her voice still flat, “looks like she can definitely talk.”
Coral tiptoed over to the double doors and cracked them open. This felt wrong. We were invading Margot’s privacy. Even so, I couldn’t stop watching. From where I stood I could see Margot’s top half. Worry lines snaked across her pasty forehead. Her dull, unwashed brown ponytail was askew. Her arms looked pale and doughy. I wished I had the courage to run up and close the door. Instead, I just stood like a coward and watched with everybody else.
Kay had her back to us. “Margot, we serve healthy meals here. If you’re hungry, you can take it up with your nutritionist when you have your first meeting. But until then—”
Margot snapped. “I AM JUST SO HUNGRY—” She stopped when she saw the open door. We ate her up with our stares. Her eyes widened and her face changed from flushed to white to reddish purple in all of five seconds.
“Why, Margot,” Kay said, clearly stunned. “What’s wron—” She turned and, upon seeing us, moved quickly toward the door.
Margot beat her to it. She pushed past everybody and ran down the hall to her room, slamming the door so hard the other doors on the hall shook. Two nurses followed her.
An electric current rippled through the rest of us. Manic. Bipolar. Binger. Cutter. It didn’t take long—one minute maybe—for everyone to decide that Margot was the most screwed-up girl here.
Willa grinned, happy things were livening up around the place.
I stood there, unsure. A part of me wondered if I should go after her. I’d known her once, after all. I imagined knocking on her door and reintroducing myself, maybe asking her to sit with me in the dining room. But I didn’t. I just got in line for my tray like everybody else.
At the table, Willa could barely sit still. She crammed a cracker in her mouth. “Wow! Did you see that?” Willa’s excitement took up too much room in her head; she was so keyed up that she was actually on track to eat all of her hummus and crackers.
When I said, “I feel bad. Maybe we should go and talk to her after lunch,” no one answered me.
Lexi played with her hummus, spooning it up and dropping it back onto her plate, over and over.
“Lexi,” I asked, “how are you doing?”
“Fine.” Her voice was curt. She sniffed her hummus and grimaced.
“You sure? No offense, but you don’t really seem fine.”
“I am. Really.”
“Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
She softened just a little. “I’m just tired.” Her dark hair accented the half circles under her eyes. She looked like a member of the Addams Family. I guessed it was because of her evening workouts. That and all the Ensure.
I was having my own issues. I’d run out of crackers. “Willa, do they expect us to eat the hummus plain?”
“If you already ate your crackers they do,” she said. “Do you think Margot will freak out at every meal?”
“I hope not.” I stabbed at my plate. “I can’t eat this hummus. I don’t like hummus even with crackers.” I never had. “I can’t eat this plain. God, can you smell it? All I can smell is the garlic. I think I’m going to be sick.”
Willa put down her fork. “No, you’re not. You can do it,” she said. “You totally can. Come on, just try.”
I made figure eights in the hummus with my fork, turning it over onto itself as if I could somehow make it less.
Kay came over on her rounds. Lexi sat up a little, on guard. “Elizabeth, Lexi, finish your hummus, please.”
“I can’t, Kay,” I said.
“Yes, you can, Elizabeth.”
My jaw stiffened like it always did when I was being stubborn. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. My brain won’t let me.” The day before I’d been able to overcome it, thanks to my cheering section. But now? Now my brain wasn’t budging.
“Elizabeth,” Kay said, “the only way to get better is to challenge those thoughts.” I shook my head. No.
Kay sighed. It had been a long day for her already. “Lexi? How about you? I know you can do this.” Kay pulled up a chair. To both of us she said, “To get better, you have to eat.” Lexi didn’t respond. For a second I forgot about myself. What happened at her therapy session?
“Last chance,” Kay said. She paused a second and then, with one last pat on my shoulder, headed off to get an Ensure.
“Get her chocolate!” Willa called, her plate miraculously empty.
Kay brought one back for Lexi, too, then sat with us, checking the floor for Willa crumbs as she did. There weren’t any. “Willa, you can go. Good job today,” she said as she opened the plastic bottles of Ensure and stuck a straw into each.
“Thanks!” It was only after Willa had stepped off the linoleum and onto the hall carpet that I saw the cracker peeking out from the top of her jeans’ cuff.
12
At midnight, Lexi was at it again, doing burpees on the floor next to her bed. Boom-cha-boom-thump. Her panting filled up the room, and even when I whispered, “Lexi, please stop,” she didn’t. It was like she was in a trance or something. I counted along in my head, the way other people might count sheep. I was up to seventy-five when the bedroom door flew open.
“WHAT are you doing?” The night nurse entered our room, a silhouette in the doorframe. I didn’t recognize her.
“I—” Lexi, wet with sweat, struggled to her feet beside me. She panted and couldn’t talk.
“Never mind. I saw what you were doing. Come with me, young lady.”
Lexi stumbled. The nurse came over and roughly grabbed her arm.
“Where are you taking her?” I asked, afraid.