Slouch Witch (The Lazy Girl's Guide to Magic, #1)

‘Wasn’t there something else?’ Winter asked.

She threw another nervous look towards me. ‘No, it’s alright. I can see you’re busy.’ Before he could respond, she all but sprinted away. I wondered who she’d tell first.

Winter was patently curious. ‘There’s definitely more to you than meets the eye, Ms Wilde.’

‘Call me Ivy, Adeptus Exemptus Winter,’ I said. I didn’t need to stand on ceremony the way he did.

‘Biggins recognised your name too,’ he continued, ignoring my pointed comment. ‘What’s your real story?’

I did my best to look blasé. ‘I was here as a Neophyte,’ I told him. ‘And then I wasn’t.’

‘Why not?’

I met his eyes. He didn’t seem to want to know the salacious details of the story, he was just vaguely curious. I shrugged. He’d find out soon enough without my help. ‘I was expelled from the Order.’ He stared. ‘For cheating.’ I paused. ‘And assault.’

Winter didn’t move a muscle.

‘But,’ I added, ‘I think the official reason was conduct unbecoming to an Order witch.’ I grinned and punched his arm. ‘So you’re really lucky having me as your new partner.’

Winter didn’t say anything. With luck, I’d done enough to avoid any further questioning on the matter. One could only hope.





Chapter Four


The remainder of our journey passed unimpeded. If I’d thought I’d feel nostalgic coming back here, I was surprised to find that it didn’t bother me at all. I liked my new life; I didn’t need the Order around me to feel fulfilled.

We dropped off all our tech items at the front door so they didn’t interfere with the magic inside. For Winter that involved a phone, a watch, an earpiece, a confusing cube-like object, a Taser, a charger and various other accoutrements. All I had to leave behind were my battery-operated car keys.

As a highly placed Second Level official, Winter had access to a good portion of the ancient headquarters. The higher up you are allowed to go, the more important a witch you are. He might not have been able to enter the topmost floors, which are reserved for the few Third Level members, but we could roam around most of the building. When we ascended to the seventh floor, far beyond where I’d been permitted to go during my time here, I knew things were getting serious.

‘Wait here,’ Winter said curtly as we reached a solid-looking oak door. ‘I’ll announce our arrival.’

I imagined him striding into the room with a bugle and tooting a high-pitched tune. I stifled a grin and received a frown in response. He entered, leaving me to cool my heels in the corridor. At least up here the chances of anyone I knew hovering around were slim. Bumping into Anthea was bad enough.

I took the opportunity of some alone time to slide down onto the floor and sit cross-legged, leaning my head against the wall. I reckoned I’d already had my allotted fresh air for today. It was time for a rest. I was just getting comfortable when the door opened again and yet another red cloak beckoned me inside.

Sighing at the imposition, I got to my feet and went in. The room was remarkably grand, not that I should have been surprised knowing this lot. There was a long table, polished to within an inch of its life, and several figures seated round it. To my surprise, Ipsissimus Collings, the Order’s leader was at the head. Things must be serious if he was involved; the only other time I’d met him in person was the day he’d expelled me. His expression was as grim today as it had been then.

He stood up and gestured me forward. I stood next to the ramrod-straight Winter who was facing the group. Biggins joined us from the side. It was starting to feel like the Spanish Inquisition.

‘Ms Wilde, thank you for joining us today.’ There wasn’t the faintest hint of censure or accusation in the Ipsissimus’s tone. That was a good start.

‘You’re welcome.’

The Ipsissimus knitted his fingers together under his chin and leant forward. ‘First of all, I must ask how you know Philosophus Harrington.’

‘Eve? She’s my neighbour. We share the same building and I look after her familiar from time to time when she’s away.’

‘Did you seek her out knowing she was part of the Order?’

That stung; it suggested I had designs on tracking the ins and outs of what these plonkers got up to. I wasn’t that nefarious. Even if I had the will, I didn’t have the energy.

‘No.’ This time my tone was short.

The Ipsissimus nodded. ‘And have you been practising since you left the Order?’

‘I didn’t leave the Order,’ I said pointedly. ‘I was booted out.’ He didn’t speak. I sighed. ‘Yes. I have on occasion used magic.’

One of the other seated men spoke up. ‘Have your skills progressed at all?’

I clenched my fists then, realising what I was doing, slowly relaxed. ‘They have. Would you like a demonstration?’ I’d turn him into a frog if that was what it was going to take.

‘That won’t be necessary,’ the Ipsissimus broke in.

Winter coughed. ‘She does have clear, well-honed abilities.’

I looked at him, surprised. He was supposed to be doing all he could to get me out of here, not encouraging this lot to keep me around.

‘You’ve seen evidence of this?’ a severe-looking woman enquired. ‘Actually watched her cast runes? Or use herblore?’

‘No,’ he admitted.

The people round the table exchanged looks. ‘You arrived after Ms Wilde’s expulsion,’ she said.

‘She alluded to what had happened.’

‘Did she now? Well, I think we all know what her skills and abilities are really like.’

There was a titter from several others. I bristled. ‘I am here, you know.’

The Ipsissimus offered me a benign smile. ‘Our apologies. And our apologies that you were dragged into this … situation. There was a mix-up with the paperwork and we didn’t realise that Philosophus Harrington was absent on Order business. The error is understandable, if not forgivable.’

On one side of the table I spotted a red-robed man whose heavy-bagged eyes and unkempt hair suggested that he was under considerable stress. He seemed to shrink into himself. No prizes for guessing whose error it had been.

The Ipsissimus continued. ‘We have looked into the specifications of the binding which Adeptus Minor Biggins created and there is some opportunity to remove the spell.’

Praise the heavens. I exhaled. ‘Good. Get it off.’

‘In one hundred days’ time, there will be a slight loosening as the magic begins to wear off. At that time, it is possible we can remove it.’

I looked at him. Had I heard that properly? ‘One hundred days?’ I asked. ‘One hundred days’ time?’

The Ipsissimus continued to smile. It was tinged with sympathy but all the same it was becoming mightily irritating. ‘Yes. I’m afraid there’s nothing else we can do.’