Slouch Witch (The Lazy Girl's Guide to Magic, #1)

The trouble with the Order headquarters – and indeed most bureaucratic building – is that they’ve been designed with total lack of imagination. They might look impressively ancient from the outside and might well be thoughtfully constructed and a testament to the age in which they are built, but inside they’re a box. Criss-crossing offices in grid formation; boxes upon boxes upon beige wall-covered boxes. Google this ain’t.

It also means there are long corridors so, from my position at the end of one hallway, I could see perfectly to the other end. My view wasn’t blocked by the tired-looking photocopier dumped outside, nor was it hampered by the stack of fire-risk cardboard boxes. So when Tarquin Willingham of Posh Street, London, appeared two hundred metres away, I could do nothing but watch his approach. In theory it gave me time to prepare the right words; in practice, it ramped up my dismay. I guess I knew now who Anthea had sought out after I bumped into her in the quad. I shouldn’t have been surprised.

Tarquin was dressed more casually than Winter; he wore a suit but it was minus both a jacket and tie. I wondered whether he’d taken them off – the Order’s equivalent of rolling up your sleeves. Then I decided I didn’t care.

‘I’m surprised you’re here alone,’ I called, as soon as he got close. ‘Aren’t you afraid I might hurt you again?’

Tarquin tsked. ‘I’ve spent the last eight years living and breathing the Order, Ivy. I think it’s fair to say that I’ve probably got skills now that you can only dream about.’

Somehow I doubted that. ‘What do you want, Tarq?’

He ran a hand through his blond hair. The style was artless, giving the impression that he’d merely run a comb through it. I had a feeling that it took him a lot longer to get it the way he wanted it. With Tarquin, appearances were everything.

‘It’s good to see you again,’ he said.

‘I’d say the same,’ I told him, ‘but then I’d be a big, fat liar.’

Something sparked in his eyes and he dropped all pretence of politeness. ‘How did you do it?’

I inspected my fingernails. ‘Do what?’

‘Wheedle your way back in here. What lies did you tell them?’

‘You’re the liar, not me. Or have you rewritten history in your own head as well as everyone else’s?’

‘If you’re here to cause trouble—’

I cocked my head, amused. ‘Then what? What will you do, Tarq? Because I think you’ve pretty much done everything already.’

‘Look,’ he hissed. ‘I told you I was sorry. I didn’t mean to get caught cheating and I didn’t mean for you to take the blame.’

‘You didn’t own up though, did you?’

‘Ivy, you know what my father is like. If he found out—’

‘Aw, diddums. Life must be so tough for you, Tarquin. Painted as the victim of nasty, plagiarising Ivy Wilde.’ My eyes gleamed. ‘Tell me, did you ever master that protective spell or do you still steal from others to cover up your own failings?’

‘I don’t need to steal. I’m highly respected here these days, Ivy. I’ve come a long way since then. Adeptus Exemptus Winter knows it. He knows that…’

‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter knows what?’

We both turned. Winter was standing there, holding a box and gazing at Tarquin with a hard question in his eyes.

Tarquin swallowed. ‘You know that Ivy will be able to start afresh. That she’s not the same person she was eight years ago and she can wipe the slate clean. It’s very good of you to give her a second chance.’

He just couldn’t help himself. He was so desperate to avoid his name being tarnished that he’d keep up his web of lies and deceit even though no one cared. Certainly not me. Frankly, he’d done me a favour all those years ago. If I’d not been blamed for his actions, I’d never have experienced how good it was to be truly free. I’d have been an Order zealot like the rest of them.

‘Hmm,’ Winter said. ‘Don’t you have errands to run for Adeptus Major Price? I’m sure you’re not here just for yourself.’

Relieved to be given the chance to escape, Tarquin nodded vigorously. ‘I do, Adeptus. I’d better get a move on. Thank you so much. I take my duties very seriously, as you know.’ He didn’t look at me as he said this last part but I knew it was a dig. Then he bowed and scurried away, like the weasel he was.

Winter and I watched him go. As soon as he was out of earshot, Winter glanced at me. ‘Do you want to tell me what that was really about?’

‘Nope.’

‘Hmm,’ he said again.

To stave off any further questions, I smiled brightly. ‘Is that for me?’ I pointed at the box in Winter’s hands.

‘What? Oh, yes.’ He handed it to me; I guessed I’d have to carry it after all. ‘This is everything you’ll need. Take time this evening to go through it carefully. We’ll start tomorrow at dawn in the gym.’

‘Dawn?’

Winter nodded impatiently.

‘Gym?’

He sighed. ‘Part of my job is to make sure you have the skills to do this job. When we are not undertaking missions, I will be training and mentoring you. Believe me, there are plenty of other things I’d rather be doing with my time.’

I didn’t care a jot about Winter’s time; it was the loss of my time that bothered me. What happened to following him around for a bit and throwing in a comment every so often? I didn’t like the sound of this at all. ‘I’m only here for a hundred days. There’s no point. If I were Eve, things would be different but I’m not, so I really think…’

‘Stop arguing. The Ipsissimus was very clear about his expectations. I’m not about to shirk my responsibilities, regardless of who you are. I have to prove to the Order that bindings like this are unnecessary for me because I’ll perform my duties as expected, despite the circumstances. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ His blue eyes darkened forbiddingly. ‘Don’t be late.’

‘Yes, Adeptus Exemptus Winter. Three bags full.’

He ignored my sarcasm. ‘You will conduct yourself as befits a member of the Order, notwithstanding what happened in the past. This is a serious profession and I will not have it undermined by smart-aleck comments or disorderly behaviour. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am, and my position will not be compromised because you are tagging along everywhere I go. Some people may think the Order is obsolete but they are very much mistaken. What I do – and what the Order does – is vital to the wellbeing of this country. Magic is not to be trifled with. It’s a solemn and grave endeavour. You will be polite and well-mannered at all times.’ He glanced at my clothes. ‘You will dress appropriately and smartly. If you afford me respect, I will give you the same in return and we can survive the next hundred days relatively unscathed.’

Pompous jackass. I clicked my heels together and saluted.

He opened his mouth to say something else apparently thought better of it. Instead he turned and walked off in the same direction as Tarquin without so much as a friendly goodbye. I shrugged.

Rather than get caught eyeing up his arse again, I stared into the box and registered the items with a sinking heart. This was not going to be fun.





Chapter Five

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