TWENTY-EIGHT
I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. That’s the last thing I remember saying before the world bled black and the walls caved in, suffocating and burying me. Flashes of memory interrupted the long, slow slide into the abyss. Most were of Malachi. The part of my brain that remained functional mused over that irony, considering how briefly I’d known him. It was hard to care, to call anything else to mind. Only his face mattered. It was the only thing that came to me without effort, like reflex, like breathing. Wherever I was going, part of him would go with me. Willingly given or not, it was mine to cradle, to carry, to sustain.
Voices cut through the fog from time to time, but the only one I recognized was his. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but I knew he was there with me, wherever I was. Nothing hurt except the nagging regret that, despite all he’d given me, I’d given him so little. I wanted the chance to give him something, to give him the best of me, as pathetic as it was, damaged and broken, warped at the edges, hardly worth having. I decided that if I had the chance, if he asked, if he needed, it was his.
People touched me, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I was dimly aware of being moved, shifted, carried, turned. I couldn’t open my mouth to ask what was happening, couldn’t let them know I was still aware, still there. I wanted to ask where Nadia was, to make sure she was all right. I wanted to talk to Ana, but then remembered she was dead. I wanted to talk to Diane, but then remembered she was living.
But most of all, I wanted Malachi.
Malachi.
“He’s not here, Lela.” A gentle voice. A beautiful voice. But it wasn’t his. I drifted again.
Malachi?
“Lela, stay with me. Can you open your eyes?” The beautiful-voice-that-was-not-Malachi’s spoke again. Someone stroked my face.
“Malachi?” My voice was barely mine. It was a thread of a voice, not a voice at all.
“No, Lela, it’s Raphael. Can you look at me?”
My eyelids fluttered. They each weighed a ton. “Lela, come back from wherever you are. You’ve got unfinished business here.”
“What?” I opened my eyes. Unfamiliar room. Unfamiliar cot. A lamp sat next to the cot. A man sat next to the lamp. Raphael.
He smiled his amazing smile. “Welcome back.”
“Did I make it to the Station?” The details were pretty fuzzy. I remembered a lot of walking.
He shook his head. “You continued breathing, but that’s about all I can say for you. Malachi carried you after you collapsed.”
“Nadia?” I croaked.
“She’s here. Malachi is with her. He’s been with her for days. He only leaves her when he goes on patrol, or when he comes to see you.”
I lifted my hands to touch my face, noting the faint scars that lined my otherwise-healed left hand. Everything felt so disconnected, as if parts of me had floated away. “Days?”
Raphael nodded. “You were in very bad shape when you arrived. The infection was advanced. There was a lot of organ damage to mend, not to mention your hand. And you are weak because the city does not nourish you. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get you back.”
“Ana? Was she seen? Has she been found?”
Something sparked in his eyes. “No. She did not reenter the city. Malachi spoke to each of the Gate Guards personally.”
I watched him carefully. “Malachi’s been busy.”
“Very. He’s needed it.”
I bit my lip. “Is he angry with me?”
“You can ask him yourself. I summoned him when you started to wake. He should be here soon.”
Joy and fear jolted through me. It must have shown on my face because Raphael squeezed my hand and asked, “Do you want me to stay with you?”
A knock at the door interrupted my frantic thoughts. Raphael gave my hand another squeeze and stood up. “Come,” he called.
Malachi stepped through the door, and I stopped breathing for a few seconds. There weren’t really words for how he looked to me. Well, maybe one. He looked uncertain. His eyes darted to Raphael, who said, “She’s going to be fine. She’s lucid.” Raphael patted Malachi’s arm affectionately as he headed out the door.
Malachi wasn’t wearing his armor, but I could tell he’d just come in from patrol. He smelled of the streets, of sweat and leather. I closed my eyes and inhaled.
“Lela?”
I opened my eyes. “Malachi?”
He sat down in the chair next to the cot, looking completely unsure of what to do with himself. I slid my hand along the sheet and flipped my palm upward, an invitation. He gazed down at it for several seconds. Hesitantly, as if afraid I might break, he placed his hand over mine.
As he stared at our entangled fingers, something inside him seemed to shatter. He closed his eyes tightly and grimaced, gritting his teeth. He lowered his head and laid it against my side. I ran my fingers through the thick, black hair on the back of his head. He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer. His shoulders began to shake, and he took a deep, shuddering breath. He was crying.
I bowed my head over his and folded my arms over his back. “Malachi, I’m sorry. For everything.”
“Don’t.”
I held him until his quiet sobs slowed and the tremors finally subsided. “Do you know how long you’ve been unconscious?” he asked, his voice muffled. “Did Raphael tell you?”
“Um, a few days?”
“Twelve days. It’s been twelve days.”
My breath caught. “I’m sorry.”
He raised his head and quickly wiped the tears from his face. He stared at me with narrowed eyes. “Why do you keep apologizing?”
“Because you keep being upset at me. And I don’t know how to fix it.”
He gave a sniffling, raspy laugh and shook his head. “It’s easy, really, or it should be. Be alive. Be well. Can you manage that?”
“I’ll try.” I brushed my fingers across his cheek, catching a final tear with my thumb. “Did you miss me?”
He rolled his eyes. “Are you actually going to make me answer that?”
“I missed you.” I felt totally shy and stupid. I’d never done this sort of thing before. I sat up shakily, supporting myself with arms that felt like overcooked noodles.
He reached out and threaded a few locks of my wild hair between his fingers. “I was under the impression you weren’t aware enough to miss anything.”
“That was true for the most part. But not completely.” I took his hand and laid it against my face. “You were definitely on my mind.”
He got up and sat next to me on the cot. “Did I miss you?” He took my face in his hands and kissed me gently, but it was enough to send my heart rate straight off the charts. He trailed kisses from the corner of my mouth down to the base of my neck. “I’m glad I was on your mind, because I almost lost mine.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Lela, shut up.”
And then his lips, his mouth. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him pull me onto his lap, my legs draping over his.
My senses came back online—smell, taste, touch—flaring to life within my brain. Then everything short-circuited in sparks and flashes the moment he fisted a hand in my hair and folded his arm across my hips, holding me hard against him. It all seemed uncomplicated at that moment. Just him. Just his lips, his hands. Just the way he made me feel, like the most beautiful creature in the world, like someone pure and whole.
Raphael cleared his throat. We froze, eyes popping open at the same time. Malachi kissed me once more, a light brush over my lips, before turning a blank, hard face toward the intruder.
“Malachi, I need to speak with you.”
Malachi’s arms tightened around me. He didn’t seem to care that Raphael had discovered us in this position. The only thing that appeared to bother him was the interruption. “I hope this is an emergency.”
“I wouldn’t disrupt your reunion for any other reason. There’s been a report of a breach at the eastern wall.”
I scrambled off Malachi’s lap as he rose to his feet. He didn’t let go of my hand.
“Confirmed or suspected?”
“Suspected. But another Guard has been killed. Emir.”
Malachi cursed. “I will go. Please tell Rais to gather a unit and meet me in the assembly area.”
Raphael nodded and left. Malachi turned to me with an apology on his face. “This is the third reported breach this week. Something is happening. I have to go.”
“I know,” I said quietly, but I couldn’t release my grip on his hand.
“Listen—we didn’t get to talk about it, but you should go see Nadia.” He sat down next to me on the cot again.
“How is she?” I was almost afraid to hear the answer.
He gave me a guarded look. “I’ve spent a lot of time with her. I think she’s a little better. She’s in Ana’s quarters.”
I put my hand to the side of his face, smoothing my fingers along his cheekbone. “Thank you for taking care of her.”
“It was the only thing I could do.” He closed his eyes and leaned against my hand.
“I don’t want you to go.” I scooted forward until my forehead touched his. “I’m sorry. I know that’s selfish.”
He smiled. “You can be selfish. It makes me feel wanted. And I…” He chuckled softly. “I want you to want me.”
I drew back and looked at him, eyebrows raised, but he didn’t let me get far, tangling his fingers through my hair and bringing me close. His lips brushed mine, once, twice, suffusing my entire body with heat. “I love the way you taste,” he whispered.
I kissed him. I wanted him all over me. I wanted to wrap him around me like a cloak. I wanted everyone to know. I knew I’d gone crazy, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about that when my tongue slid against his. His groan blew every fuse in my body.
“Lela,” he said breathlessly, “I’ll be back soon. I won’t be gone more than half a day.”
“But you have to go.”
“Yes.”
I reluctantly unwound my arms from his neck and watched him shift uncomfortably before getting up. He looked down at the floor for a few moments, then took my hand. “When I get back, we should talk. Will you be up for that?”
“Yes.” I looked at him cautiously, trying not to let my brain spin out of control as it came up with a thousand possibilities for what he might want to talk to me about. But his expression gave nothing away, and he didn’t say more. He simply gave me a too-brief kiss before striding out the door.
I walked down the hallway toward Ana’s quarters, stopping every few yards to lean against the wall and catch my breath. So weak. I wondered how much longer I had until I faded away completely. Until I starved. Based on how I was feeling now, it seemed like a matter of days rather than weeks.
I had run out of time.
I would have to get Nadia out soon or risk leaving her alone and helpless in the city. Maybe I could just wait for Malachi outside the city walls. Maybe I could camp there with Nadia until he was released from his service. Maybe that’s what he wanted to talk about. Maybe he was thinking the same thing.
I turned the corner of the dead-end hallway that housed Ana’s quarters. One of the massive Guards stood outside the door, arms folded. I recognized him immediately.
Amid.
What the hell? How could they post a nut like Amid outside Nadia’s door? What was she, some type of criminal?
“What are you doing here?” My question came out harsh and hoarse. His head jerked up immediately. Sea-green eyes regarded me with contempt.
“Preventing your little friend from escaping.”
“She hasn’t done anything wrong,” I snapped as I approached, letting the wall hold me up, putting all my energy into the ferocity of my voice.
“I’m not the Judge, Mazikin-lover. I’m just the Guard,” he sneered.
“Go. Get out of here. I’ll take care of her.” I pointed down the hall, dismissing him.
He shook his head. “You don’t give me my orders.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, sincerely wishing I could punch that freaking rhinoceros right where it hurt most. “Look. She’s my friend, and she’ll be really scared if she comes out and has to deal with you. How about you just take a break and go to the food room? I’m not giving you orders. I’m just telling you that you won’t get in trouble if you take a break.”
He grunted at me, took a few steps, and peeked around the corner. Then he walked away, grumbling what I was sure were horrible insults.
I leaned against the door and pushed it open, unprepared as the scent of leather mixed with cinnamon greeted me. Ana. I wiped a tear from my face. Where had Ana gone when she died? Had she found Takeshi? Were they out there in the Countryside, together at last? I really hoped they were. I didn’t want to contemplate the alternatives.
Nadia was hunched over Ana’s desk, writing.
“Hey,” I called. “Feeling better?”
She whirled around, and her eyes went wide when she saw me. Just as Malachi had said, she looked better. Her hair was clean and brushed, and her clothes were neat, though ill fitting.
“Lela? Malachi said you were still sleeping.”
I shuffled forward, blinking back tears. Her face, her voice…Nadia looked and sounded like herself, like I remembered her. “I woke up,” I managed to whisper. “What have you been up to?”
Nadia flipped over the page on which she’d been scrawling and smiled. It didn’t quite reach her eyes, but I was used to that. “I’ve been getting better,” she said. “Malachi’s been great.”
“Have you been eating?”
She nodded. “He said that was the first thing you’d ask. He brings me food and apologizes every time that it’s gross. He’s incredibly sweet for being so hot. Usually the hot ones are jerks.”
My beautiful friend thought my beautiful boy was hot. Huh.
“Malachi’s one of a kind,” I said cheerfully. And loudly.
Nadia tilted her head and gave me the I-can-see-straight-through-you look I had thought I’d never see again. I almost started crying. I had missed her so much.
“Lela, he is stone-cold crazy about you. Stop being insecure. It makes your voice sound weird.”
I did start to cry. My Nadia. Here she was.
She rose from her chair and put her arms out but waited for me to come to her. She looked a little uncertain, but she was still willing to try, and there was no way I was going to let her down. I walked straight to her and hugged her fiercely. “I’m so glad we found you.”
“You didn’t hurt yourself to get here, did you?” she asked.
“Oh, no, I just…had an accident. But when I woke up here, I decided to try to find you. I knew all about this place—I’m so sorry I didn’t warn you before. Believe me, I know exactly what you’re going through now. But that’s all going to change when we go out into the Countryside. Wait until you see it—”
I had to stop talking because she was squeezing me so tightly I could barely breathe. I leaned back to try to read her expression, but her face was blurry.
“Are you okay?” she asked as I swayed. “You look kind of pale.”
Unable to stand any longer, I let her guide me to Ana’s cot and sank onto it. Black spots floated in front of my eyes. “I’m a little fuzzy. I think I spent all my energy sending Amid away.” I rubbed my eyes, trying to stop the spinning.
“Amid? Was that the Guard?” Nadia went to the door and peered out. I could just see her figure bobbing among the spots.
“Yes,” I breathed.
Nadia leaned over. Her face swam in front of mine. “Maybe you should lie down.” She pushed my shoulder, and I flopped back on the cot.
She stroked my cheek. Her brows were drawn together in concern. “I’m going to go get that doctor for you. What was his name?”
That had to be a good sign—Nadia was able to worry about someone other than herself. She was so much better. It was going to be all right.
“Raphael.” I covered my face with my hands, wishing I’d given myself a few more hours of rest before traipsing around the Station. But it had been worth it just to see she was okay. “I’m sorry. I think I kind of overdid it.”
She squeezed my hand, her grasp lingering for a few seconds before letting me go. “It’s okay. I’ll get Raphael. Wait here.”
I heard Nadia pull open the door and then shut it again. I lay still, focusing on breathing slowly and riding out the sloshing waves of nausea. Apart from my physical state, the rest of me was giddy with happiness. Nadia had come back to herself.
After a few minutes, my head cleared, and I was able to sit up. Raphael would be here any minute, and I would get to tell him I was fine. No help needed. Testing my strength, I got to my feet and took a few steps. A bit shaky, but no problem.
The single piece of paper on the desk caught my attention. What had Nadia been working on? I took a few steps closer, knowing I shouldn’t pry but unable to stop myself. I had so few hints at what had been going on with her. I’d buried my head in the sand when she needed the most help, so maybe being a nosy friend wasn’t the worst thing in the world. I flipped over the paper.
Dear Lela,
Thank you for trying so hard to save me. You are a true friend.
You always were, even when I didn’t really deserve it. You made the last year of my life worth sticking around for. But in the end, it was too painful to stay. I was just a fake, and everybody would have figured it out sooner or later. Including you. There was nothing inside me, just a pretty, empty shell. I’ve always been empty, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Now I’m here, but it’s no better. I need it to end. If you’re reading this, I’m gone. Please don’t come after me.
I barely took the time to read past the word gone before I was limping down the hall, screaming Nadia’s name, screaming for Raphael, for Malachi, for anyone and everyone. I made it halfway down the corridor before collapsing to the floor, and then kept crawling on all fours, shrieking hoarsely.
I’d fallen for it.
I hadn’t even considered that Nadia was capable of planning something like this. It hadn’t seemed possible. I had wanted to believe she was all right so badly that I’d ignored every sign…again.
“I’m an idiot,” I cried, bonking my head against the stone floor, tears mixing with the dirt beneath my fingers and turning it to mud.
Something crashed into the hallway with explosive force. I looked up to see Malachi sprinting toward me. He hadn’t left with his unit yet. I reached for him, and he pulled me to my feet and held me against him.
“She’s gone,” I blurted before he had a chance to say anything. “She said she was going to get Raphael for me, but she left a note. She’s gone.” I couldn’t control my sobs.
Malachi put a hand to my cheek and made sure I was looking at him. “There was a Guard at the door. How did she get away?”
“I sent him away,” I whispered, suddenly realizing why Amid had been posted there in the first place. He hadn’t been kidding when he said he was preventing her from escaping. I was a first-class moron. He’d been there because it wasn’t the first time Nadia had tried something like that. And I hadn’t even considered that possibility.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think.”
“Raphael!” Malachi called. He looked around and spotted one of the other Guards. “Rais, get Raphael. Hurry please.” He turned back to me and gently wiped the tears from my face. “I’m going to go get her. She can’t have gotten far. Please, don’t worry.”
Raphael turned the corner, looking serene but moving quickly. “Lela, how about you come with me?” He seemed to know exactly what was happening. “Malachi, I’ve got her. Go.”
Malachi gave Raphael an unreadable look, kissed my forehead, and spun on his heel. He was out of sight in just a few seconds.
I sagged and Raphael caught me.
“Damn it.” I clenched my teeth and struggled to hold myself upright. I hated having to watch Malachi walk away, strong and independent, and being left behind, stupid and useless. Once again it was all my fault.
“Lela, you’re going to have to learn that you’re not the solution to all problems,” Raphael murmured quietly, though he may as well have punched me in the gut. The solution to all problems? I was the freaking cause of all problems.
He put an arm around my shoulders. I was too tired and too ashamed to wrench myself away. He led me to my room and helped me onto the cot. “Malachi will have no trouble finding her. You know he’s quite adept at tracking people. This is the fourth time Nadia has attempted to escape, so he’ll have an idea of where she’s going.”
“Why? Why would she do this? She’s safe here. She was so scared when she was out in the city by herself.”
Raphael sighed and pulled the covers over me. “But out there she didn’t have to accept that other people care about her.”
“What?”
“Your friend is convinced she is unlovable, unreachable. Depression can do that to a person. She thinks no one can understand her. She ignores all evidence to the contrary, and it has led her to make some very tragic decisions.” Raphael took my hand. His was warm, almost hot.
“I came here to get her. I gave up everything for her. I can get her back if I just have a little more time.” I wasn’t willing to accept any other possibility. Once we were out of the city, bathed in that piercing sunlight, Nadia would feel better. How could anyone feel good in a city smothered in constant darkness?
Raphael patted my hand. “Lela, everyone has lessons to learn.” He smiled that smile, dazzling me with its nondescript beauty. “Do you want to sleep?”
I turned my face to the pillow. My head pounded with dread and frustration. I couldn’t stand the thoughts looping around my brain. “Yes.”
Without another word, Raphael put his hand to my forehead, and everything went black.