CHAPTER SIX
EMBARRASSED BY THE ridiculous compliment, Brandi snorted and said, “You must be awfully easy to impress.”
He chuckled. “Actually, no. I’m damn hard to get around, and because of my background, I’m too critical of other people. But after all you’ve been through, you’re still sweet and gentle, not bitter. I think that constitutes a small miracle.”
“I may not be bitter, but I’ll never be a normal woman again, either.”
Sebastian pretended to study her face. “You look fine to me.” Then he kissed her cheek, letting his lips linger. “You taste even better. And no ‘normal’ woman ever pushed my buttons the way you do. If you’re not normal, I can only be grateful, because I think you’re perfect just the way you are.”
She couldn’t repress her smile of relief, even though she knew his words were nonsense. “You know what I meant.”
Sobering, he said, “Yeah, I do. But it’s not true, baby. You’re a little more reserved, but you have all the same needs, all the same desires as any other woman.” Then he grinned. “You just needed the right man to volunteer his body for your inquisitive mind.”
A few remnants of tears were still in her eyes and she wiped them away. He gave her that tender smile again that made her want to stay with him forever.
But there was so much still in the way. “Sebastian, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make love. Just the thought of…” Her voice trailed away. It was more than difficult trying to say such things, trying to express her problem.
“Hey, no blushing now.” His voice was low, whispered against her cheek. “You can tell me anything, honey. There’s no one here but us.”
The night was quiet. Without her realizing it, the television had gone blank, leaving only a dull glow coming from the screen and a soft hum in the air. Her position on Sebastian’s lap put her as close to him as she could get. All around her was his scent, his warmth, his concern and his tenderness. He wore only his jeans; his long legs were stretched out in front of him, and his large feet were bare. A dark, appealing shadow of whiskers covered his lean cheeks and sharp jaw. His eyes were slumberous, his dark shiny hair tousled.
To Brandi, he felt safe and sexy and somehow a part of her. She swallowed, then decided to take advantage of the moment. Another one like it might never come again, and she did have so many questions, so many things she’d like to talk to him about. Sebastian was available and willing and she trusted him, even more than she trusted herself sometimes.
“The thought of a man getting on top of me makes me ill. I…I break out in a cold sweat.”
He rubbed his chin on the crown of her head and replied simply, without inflection. “There are other positions, you know.”
“But a man is so much stronger. He could always switch positions. And Shay told me once that a man who’s really excited doesn’t always know what he’s doing.”
“What?” He tipped her chin up and his frown was fierce. “That’s total bull and a miserable cop-out. Men are always responsible for their actions, especially when they’re with a woman. Why would Shay tell you such a damn stupid thing?”
His vehemence startled her, but didn’t alarm her. “She’d talked me into going on a date. But the guy got…pushy. He didn’t really do anything, just tried to steal a kiss.”
“A kiss you didn’t want to give him?”
“Yes. But I guess he thought he could convince me.”
“I hope you slapped his damn face,” Sebastian muttered.
A slight grin twitched at her lips as she shook her head. “I wish I had, but instead, I ran. I get panicked and I can’t think about anything except getting away.”
“Is that what happened today while you were shopping?”
Amazed at how easy it was to talk to him, even through her embarrassment, she nodded. “Two men tried to pick me up.”
“I wish I’d seen them.”
Brandi laughed at his look of mean intent. She liked it that he felt defensive of her, even though she wanted and needed to learn to defend herself. “It wasn’t that big a deal. Shay says I make too much of things sometimes, and she’s right. She said that just because a man shows his interest, or steals a kiss, doesn’t make him a rapist.”
“I’d say she’s right. But I’d also say anyone, male or female, should know how to accept no as an answer and to respect another person’s wishes. Don’t let Shay talk you into doing anything you don’t want to do.”
“She talked me into this vacation.”
“Except for this vacation,” he clarified quickly, then gave her a lopsided grin. “In this one instance, Shay was brilliant.”
Brandi shook her head. “Actually, I shouldn’t have been surprised by what she did. She’s made it her personal goal to get my life jump-started. She feels…responsible somehow, for not watching out for me on the cruise. I keep telling her it wasn’t her fault. It was my fault.”
“No. You were eighteen, sweetheart. You didn’t ask to be violated, no more than any woman does. Leaving your door unlocked doesn’t warrant blame for you or in any way serve as an excuse for what those bastards did. It was just a small mistake that cost you more than it should have.”
“But I had been flirting.”
“So? Flirting is something everyone does. It’s human nature, not an invitation to brutality. The only people at fault were the men who took advantage of a young woman’s innocence.”
“I’ve wished so many times that I’d done things differently.”
“We all do. But we’re human, and we have faults. That’s just something we all have to learn to live with.”
Brandi couldn’t help but relax. Sebastian was so open and honest in his responses. He didn’t seem bothered by the topic, didn’t seem hesitant in answering her. She gave him a small hug. “Talking with you is so different from talking with my family.”
“How so?”
“They don’t really want to hear about any of this. It makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say, and they’re afraid they’ll upset me. Usually they end up apologizing. Again and again. We’ve made a sort of silent pact not to bring it up, to pretend it never happened. They don’t know about the nightmares. I didn’t want to worry them or add to their ridiculous guilt, and there’s nothing they can do about them anyway. The dreams are just something I have to learn to deal with.”
Sebastian cursed softly, confusing Brandi, then he looked at her again. “I’m glad you’re sharing it with me, then. And I want you to feel free to tell me anything. Ask any question you want, hold on to me when you need to. Everyone needs to talk. About everything. Keeping things inside never helps.”
Brandi hesitated for a moment, uncertain how to verbalize what she was feeling, but she wanted Sebastian to know, to understand how much this time with him meant to her. Usually, with her parents or with Shay, she ended up being the one listening. They needed her to understand that they felt guilt, that they suffered, too, over what had happened. But with Sebastian, he listened and accepted. She could pour out her heart, and it felt good. Somehow, the living nightmares—the ones that stayed with her every hour—weren’t quite so overwhelming anymore.
There was no way to put all that into words, so finally she just whispered, “Thank you.”
He hesitated, then cautiously, with his lips first on her temple, then her cheekbone, he kissed his way toward her mouth. When his lips touched hers, gently, without pressure, she sighed. So close their noses touched, he looked into her eyes and she could see his smile, could feel the warmth of his incredible green eyes.
“You’re welcome.” His husky whisper made her tingle.
She had to close her eyes to shield some of the heavy emotions she felt before she could make her next confession. “Sebastian, I like kissing you.”
“Do you?”
She smoothed her hand over his bare shoulder again and noticed the muscles were more relaxed now. She looked back to his face and shivered at the sensual heat in his eyes; his masculine interest was so plain to see, so natural. He hid nothing from her, and maybe that was what made it less frightening.
“I’ve been so curious for so long. But I was afraid to chance getting close enough to anyone to do the things most girls have done by the time they were teenagers. I was a late bloomer. I didn’t get asked out much, especially not with Shay around. She’s so gorgeous, most of the boys my age were too busy staring at her to even notice me.”
“I noticed you.”
Brandi grinned. “I know. It still amazes me that you aren’t involved with Shay.”
He snorted. “Your sister terrifies me. There’s no denying she’s beautiful, but in a different way from you. Shay doesn’t have a subtle bone in her body. She’s extravagant and pushy and arrogant.”
“She’s incredible.”
He laughed. “Don’t get defensive. I like your sister a lot. And her personality suits her to perfection. But Shay has a way of making mincemeat out of the males of our species, and I have no desire to do battle with her.”
“You make her sound like an Amazon.”
“Close.”
Brandi smacked his shoulder. “I’m surprised you escaped. She puts most men under her spell within minutes.”
“Including all the boys you knew when you were growing up?”
“Mmm. I was just known as Shay’s little sister. It didn’t give me much of a chance to experiment when most other girls were getting their first kisses—or more. Then after the rape… Well, I wish now that I’d had at least one boyfriend somewhere along the way.”
Sebastian was curiously still. “Are you saying, except for the rape, you’re a virgin?”
“Yes. But even more than in the physical sense. I…I’d only been kissed a few times, and those were tiny pecks. But I’d dreamed about doing those things, about finding the right guy and…”
She couldn’t put her thoughts into words, but Sebastian understood. “You wanted to experience all that first excitement, the first kiss, the first touch. Necking and petting, but being too cautious to go all the way.” As he’d spoken, his fingers had slid up and down her arm over the flannel of her nightgown, giving her goose bumps and making her feel some of what he described.
“I like it when you touch me, Sebastian. And I like touching you. You feel so different from me.” Her hand stroked his collarbone, his warm throat. His flesh there was taut and silky smooth over hard bone and muscle.
Sebastian wrapped his fingers around hers and kissed her palm. Still holding her hand, he lifted it and moved her knuckles over his chin, his jaw. All the while, he watched her face closely. “Have you ever felt a man’s beard?”
The hot look in his eyes made it hard to speak, but she managed a nod. “My father’s.”
His chuckle was deep and intimate. “This is a little different, isn’t it?” He skimmed her hand over his upper lip, where a mustache would be in very few days if he didn’t shave. His breath felt warm against her palm.
Without conscious decision, she opened her hand and cupped his cheek. His own hands went to her waist, holding her loosely, leaving her free to do as she pleased, without his interference. In a breathless whisper, she said, “Yes, it’s different.” And amazing and intriguing and exciting. “You’re always so warm.”
He made a choked sound, then briefly pressed his face into her unruly hair. “I have a beautiful, sexy woman on my lap. It’s a wonder I’m not on fire.”
She didn’t pay any attention to his words. She wasn’t beautiful, only passably pretty, but he did make her feel sexy. Enthralled, she felt his jaw move as he spoke, as he swallowed. She watched his throat, trailed her fingertips there, feeling the coarseness of his beard stubble, the thickness of his neck, the steady beat of his pulse. She touched the hair at his nape, then touched it again. It felt cool and deliciously silky. “I never thought of men as having such soft hair.”
His eyes watched her, never blinking. “My beard is rough, but not the hair on the rest of my body.”
That slowed her, making her stomach tingle. It was a pleasant feeling, like a tickle deep and low inside her. She looked at his chest hair, dark and thick, covering his broad chest, circling his small brown nipples. She ran her tongue nervously along her lips, then decided to be daring. She reached out. Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again, pinning her. His nostrils flared on a deep breath and she spread both hands over his chest.
Hard and solid. Incredible heat. And a pounding heartbeat.
“Brandi?” His tone was coarse and low. “I like you touching me, sweetheart.”
She felt the drift of his warm breath as he spoke, and then she felt the hardness beneath her bottom and knew he had an erection. Curious, she looked up, meeting his gaze. He smiled, reassuring her with that look.
“I’m not going to move, and I won’t touch you unless you ask me to. But I’m a simple man who is very attracted to you. I can’t help my reactions.”
“I don’t think there’s anything simple about you.” She moved her hands to his upper arms, amazed at his bulk, at the way his muscles clenched and pulled without him seeming to move at all. Even using both hands, she couldn’t circle his biceps. He still reminded her of a mountain, all imposing, solid strength. And the heated look in his eyes often bordered on savage.
After a while, she really did feel comfortable touching him, and that surprised her. It seemed so natural to be here with him. And Sebastian, true to his word, hadn’t moved, other than shifting slightly in his seat and breathing a little harder. She cupped his cheek again, drifted her fingers over the bridge of his nose, his brow. Then she touched his eyelids and watched them flutter shut. He held perfectly still.
“I like how you look at me, with your eyes half-closed.” Before she said it, she hadn’t known it was true. At first, his intensity had frightened her. Then she’d merely been cautious. But now, she supposed she was already getting used to it, the way he seemed to see into her thoughts, the way he looked at her as if no one else mattered. It made her feel special, but not threatened. Not anymore.
“What else do you like?”
She didn’t hesitate. “The way you smell.”
His eyes opened again. They encouraged her, and she leaned forward until she was very close to him, her nose nearly touching his throat. The scent of him was enough to make her toes curl. She nuzzled his throat, along his shoulder.
He groaned low and deep. When she lifted away from him, he gave her a cocky smile, but his chest moved with his deep breaths. “How do I smell, Brandi?”
She touched the bridge of his nose again and explored a small lump that accounted for the very slight crook there. It had probably been broken at one time. There was a tiny scar at the corner of his mouth and it drew her fingertips next. Everything about him fascinated her.
“It’s hard to describe. You smell warm, very warm. And like musk and spice.” As she touched the small scar, his lips parted just the tiniest bit. He licked his lips, and his tongue touched her fingertips. She drew back, shocked at the almost violent sensations that swirled in her belly.
Sebastian stared at her. “Touch me again.”
It wasn’t a command—closer to a plea. “I…”
“It startled you when you felt my tongue?”
“Yes.”
“What did you feel? Inside, I mean.” His gaze searched her face, probing, looking for answers. Then his face went carefully blank. “Did I frighten you?”
“No.” It wasn’t fear that had stolen her breath. But she didn’t think she could put it into words. “I’ve never felt it before, so it’s difficult.”
“Do you want to continue?”
She nodded, but she wasn’t at all certain where to continue.
Sebastian settled that problem for her. “How about if I tell you what I felt?”
Her heart raced. The air inside the cabin seemed to be too hot, too thin, even though there was no fire in the fireplace. She felt the tensing of his hard-muscled thighs and squirmed a little, then smiled inside at his reaction. She liked affecting him this way, liked knowing that he wanted her so much.
Keeping his gaze locked to her own, he said, “I felt a rush of heat. Under my skin, inside my muscles. Everything clenched.” He grinned. “You’re sitting on my lap, so I think you felt it. In my stomach, my thighs. And here.” He pressed the back of her hand low on his abdomen. “There’s this sweet pressure. Like anticipation that’s hot and thick.”
Every single thing he mentioned, she felt. Her own belly was tingling with a delicious ache. “You scare me.”
He pulled back, but this time it was she who held on. “I don’t mean…” Frustrated, she shook her head and said, “It’s not fear that I’ll be hurt. It’s just that I’ve never felt this way before. Ever.”
He brought her hand to his mouth and pressed a tender kiss to her palm. “What happened to you slowed you down a little. You were still too young to have explored your own sensuality before the rape, and afterward, you were too wary. But now, with me, you feel safe.” He smiled at her. “Am I right?”
“Yes.” But she had to be honest. “To a certain degree.”
Nodding he said, “I think I understand your rules now. Earlier, in the Jacuzzi, I thought you were playing a game of dominance, that you didn’t want me to move so you could tease me. And I liked it, believe me, I did. But then it was just too much and I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Now I know you weren’t playing at all. I understand why it’s important for you to be in control.” He kissed her again, a quick light kiss that took her by surprise, but thrilled her all the same. “Feel free to satisfy all your curiosity with me. When I first told you that you were in charge, I hadn’t exactly had this in mind. Or maybe I had, but not with any real expectations. Just a lot of hope.”
Brandi laughed. Bantering with a man, sexual teasing and innuendo, wasn’t something she was used to. But with Sebastian, it felt so natural and right, there was no threat, only fun. She grinned and he grinned with her.
As he tucked an errant curl behind her ear, his smile faded and his look became serious again. “Now that I do understand, I want you to feel free to direct me, to tell me what you want and what you need. You can touch me anywhere you want, however you want. Whenever you want. If you don’t want me to move, I won’t. If you want me to touch you back, I gladly will. But only if you tell me to. You really are in charge, babe, in every sense of the word.”
SEBASTIAN WATCHED as she considered all he’d said. He kept his face carefully masked so she wouldn’t know how she’d torn him up inside. At that particular moment, there were any number of people he’d like to light into, not the least of which was her family. Though he had no doubt they’d been misguided by love and their damn guilt, they’d still stifled Brandi’s need to talk about the rape, to rid herself of pent-up hurt and anger and fear.
It almost sounded to him as if she’d buried the pain in order to protect them, when it should have been the other way around. But he remembered the guilt he’d suffered for his mother, and knew their lack of understanding hadn’t been intentional. Often the victim’s loved ones suffered as much—in a different way—as the victim. He’d seen it in his work, as well.
He would have liked to get hold of the men who’d dared to touch her. They’d tried to steal her innocence, her sweetness, but luckily they hadn’t succeeded. Despite what Brandi seemed to think of herself, she was simply too strong to lose her will.
But most of all, he felt anger at himself. In his job, he dealt with trauma, both emotional and physical, on a regular basis. He protected women threatened by their abusive husbands, he watched out for the innocent who were stalked for money or political gain. He knew the signs and understood the fears. But he hadn’t been himself since first setting eyes on Brandi. He’d let all her signals slip past him, his brain too cluttered with lust and his own vulnerability to see anything else.
He’d actually dealt with rape cases on many occasions. But instead of viewing her caution and curiosity as the residual effects of a trauma, he’d assumed she was playing sex games with him. He’d thought she was using her shyness and need for control as a way to build the sexual tension. Damn his ego.
Now that he knew the truth, though, he had a plan of action. His lust would have to go on hold, but he could deal with that. He would deal with it, even if it killed him. Nothing was as important as reassuring Brandi, showing her that she was a woman in every sense of the word.
Her curiosity was starting to bloom, and he’d be damn sure that he was the man who satisfied it. Any amount of sexual discomfort was worth the final reward. But already, he was literally aching with anticipation.
“You want me to…touch you?”
He grinned at her self-conscious expression and rosy cheeks. Perching on his lap in her virginal gown, her dark hair wild and her blue eyes round, she looked more enticing than ever. Her small bare feet were feminine, her scent sleepy and warm and delicious. Grinning hurt, but it was either grin or groan, and he wanted to reassure her, not scare her with his lust.
“Yes, I want you to.” Leaning forward, he kissed her, another light, teasing peck that he hoped would eventually evolve into more. “I want you to feel free to use me. To touch me whenever you want, to kiss me or look at me any way you choose.”
“I couldn’t.”
She said it, but she didn’t look sincere. He chuckled. “You already have. And I know if you’re this fascinated with my chest, the rest of my body has got to be of interest to you, too.”
She gulped, then heaved a big breath. “Are you saying you’d let me…”
“You didn’t finish your sentence.”
She licked her lips. Her eyes were bright and she had the most adorable expression on her face, a mixture of uncertainty and greed. “I don’t know if I could. I mean, I can’t predict when the fear will hit me.”
The words felt like a blow, erasing all his humor. “I know. And it doesn’t matter. If you change your mind, at any time, there’s no pressure. Just say no. That’s all.”
“You say that now. But if we’d already been…involved, you might feel differently.”
“And you’re afraid I’d lose control?”
“I don’t think you’d deliberately hurt me.”
He accepted the fact that it would take time to earn all of her trust, but it wasn’t easy. Determined to make as much headway as possible in the five days allotted to him, he decided to throw out the only viable solution he could come up with—even if the very idea of it made him uneasy. “If you ever start to worry about me losing control, you could always tie me to the bed.”
She stared at him, her eyes wide with incredulous surprise.
“I’m serious, Brandi. I want you to be comfortable with me, and if that’s what it takes, then so be it.” Seeing her reaction helped firm his resolve and returned his humor. “Of course, you’d have to promise to be gentle with me, to treat my poor body with respect.”
She gave him a playful smack while a grin tugged at her lips.
“And absolutely no tickling. I can’t stand it.”
“So you’re ticklish?”
He sent her a mock frown. “I don’t like that wicked gleam in your eye. Promise me right now.”
“All right. I promise not to tickle you.” Then she whispered, “Not while you’re tied down.”
He pretended to consider her words, while in truth he was thrilled at the easy way she bantered with him. And her tone, when she’d spoken, had been husky with promise, with expectation. More progress. At least, he chose to see it that way.
“All right, we’re agreed.” Then he reached around her for the remote and switched off the television.
With obvious alarm, Brandi stiffened in his arms. “What are you doing?”
“Not what you probably imagine.” He tugged on a glossy dark curl that laid over her temple. “Did you think I planned to stand up and strip off my jeans?”
“I don’t know.” She searched his face. “None of this is like anything I could have ever expected.”
“Well, you can relax. I just thought we ought to get some sleep tonight. It’s late.”
“Oh.” She looked down, but he hadn’t missed the disappointment in her expression. She started to rise. “I suppose I should get back to my bed.”
His arms tightened around her, keeping her gently in place on his lap. “Actually, I thought we might sleep right here. I’m comfortable, and after holding you this long, the thought of my cold lonely bed doesn’t appeal one bit.”
He could see how badly she wanted to accept, and tenderness the likes of which he’d never felt before threatened to choke him. She looked up, her gaze wary once again. “I’m not too heavy?” she asked.
“Honey, you don’t weigh any more than a blanket.”
“I might have another nightmare.”
Which was one of the reasons he wanted to keep her close. He’d do his best to protect her, even from her own demons. “If you have a bad dream, you can hold on to me. You won’t be alone.”
Tears welled in her eyes and he couldn’t bear it. He tucked her head under his chin, then stretched out his arm to grab a throw on the back of one of the chairs. He spread the cover over them, propped his legs up on the coffee table and leaned back. Brandi shifted a few times, making him painfully aware of his aroused state, but he gritted his teeth and held in his moan of pleasure.
“Sebastian?”
“Hmm?”
“Good night.”
Now, that felt right. Holding Brandi, listening to her gentle breathing, hearing her tell him good-night. It was something he could get used to, something he wouldn’t mind hearing for the rest of his life. He pressed his cheek to the top of her head and felt her wildly curling hair tickle his nose. So soft, so damn sweet. “Good night, babe. Rest easy.”
She sighed into him. “I will.”
And just as she’d done in the limo, she passed out, going boneless within a minute.
It took Sebastian longer to relax. He tried to remember what he’d been like, how he’d behaved, back when he’d first begun experimenting sexually. It was a very long time ago—a lifetime. He didn’t like remembering, because those days had been full of poverty and sadness and desolation. He’d started too young, trying to find comfort with the neighborhood women who needed the distraction as badly as he did.
After he joined the service, he’d gotten more particular, and there were times when he’d gone long stretches without the touch of a woman. Most times he hadn’t missed it much, but when he had, he’d easily found feminine comfort. And always, he’d stayed in control—no ties, no commitments.
Now here he was, fully committed to Brandi. Knowing she’d missed her sexual maturity filled him with a primitive greed, both emotionally and physically. She was his. Regardless of the rape, he would be her first man, her first lover.
She sighed in her sleep and he smoothed his hand over her waist, then down her hip to her thigh. It had been an automatic touch, not something calculated, but it thrilled him anyway. She felt so slender, so delicate. The flannel gown was soft and somehow suited her perfectly, though he thought her own skin would have suited her even better.
Images filled his mind and he closed his eyes, relishing them. She would be his, he was determined. He still had four days, and he’d make the most of them before his time was up.
First thing in the morning, he would begin.
He grinned, knowing what he planned was a little underhanded, but Brandi needed control, and he wanted to give it to her. The trick was in making her think she held the reins, when in truth she’d be following his lead.