chapter 24
I t’s dark when a stabbing sensation tears through me. I groan and fold over in bed, clutching and shaking. Oh God. It hurts!
I try to focus through the pain, but it’s hard. It creeps through my gut and settles in my chest. It’s as if someone is sitting on me, restricting my breathing. It’s like my body is imploding on itself. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
Get up, I tell myself. Slowly I drag my legs over the side of my bed, touching at the floor. “I can do this,” I murmur. I’m being pulled somewhere, and wherever it is, I’ll go gladly. This is unlike any pain the Need has ever given me. My school shoes are in front of my closet and I slip my feet into them, then absently grab the green jacket Sarah bought for me.
Then the pain suddenly disappears. I’m left with a tingling, an almost pleasant feeling. What’s going on? I look around the room, unsure of what to do, when I see my phone vibrating on my side table. Cautiously, I move over and glance down. I don’t recognize the number.
“Hello?” I ask, looking at the clock. It’s three thirty-three.
“Hi, Charlotte,” the female voice says. It’s soft, the smallest hint of a Russian accent. “Feels better, right?” When I don’t answer, she laughs.
“I’ll see you at the bridge in twenty minutes,” she continues. “I’ll be waiting. See you soon, darling.”
She hangs up and the minute she does, the pain comes back with a force, knocking me off my feet, ravaging my body. I clutch the sheets of my bed, falling to my knees. I lift the bottom of my shirt to look at my stomach and the sight terrifies me. In the gold there is a small half-moon slit, about the size of a fingernail. It seems to go all the way inside me and from it emanates a glowing white light.
“No,” I whisper. “I’m not ready.” And then just like that, the pain eases enough for me to stand. I wrap my jacket tightly around myself and grab my phone. This is the end, and Onika is waiting for me. I’ll have to face her, even if I’m terrified.
The Rose City Bridge is only fifteen minutes away from my apartment building, and with the streets empty, it doesn’t take long for the bus to get there.
I’m sure that my makeup has rubbed off, because people are staring at me. They’re turned around in their seats, watching me in frozen amazement. They don’t speak at all. When we reach my stop and I walk past them, a couple murmur prayers.
As the bus pulls away, I look at the windows and see that everyone has gone back to what they were doing before. As if they’ve forgotten me already.
There is a thumping in my head, beating in time with my heart as I walk down the middle of the deserted street toward the bridge. The streetlights are a dim, glowing orange in the dark, starless night. Heavy clouds have gathered above to block out the moon.
I walk, my shoes tapping the pavement with a calming rhythm. There’s a loneliness in my chest and I know who it’s for. I slip my phone out of my pocket and look at it. No missed calls.
I almost left Mercy a note, but I knew it wouldn’t matter. It would fade. Seems that only a Seer can write about the Forgotten. Maybe Monroe will find a way to tell her about me. I try him at the clinic, but Rhonda won’t put me through, even when I tell her it’s an emergency. She takes a message. It could be hours before he gets it.
I’m ready to make my peace with the end. I have nothing left and I’m just happy to be almost done with this life. With no one remembering me, I feel like a ghost anyway.
There’s only one regret. Not seeing Harlin one last time. If anything will follow me into the light, it’s that.
I lower the phone to my side as I get to the middle of the bridge and look around. No one’s here. I walk to the iron railing and peer over, the water below looking miles away. It’s windy up here, and the thunder booms overhead, startling me. I look at my phone again.
I love you, I type to Harlin, and hit Send. Even if he doesn’t know who I am, at least I said what I needed to. At least I can give him that. I wait, but nothing comes back. He probably thinks it’s a prank, if he got it at all.
“Loverboy not answering?”
I jump and look up to see Onika standing beside me, leaning her back against the railing. She’s got on her makeup, her long blond hair flowing over one shoulder. Her black jacket is tied at the waist; her leather-gloved fingers tap on the steel.
“I told you I’m not going with you,” I say. “I’m ready for the light.” And I mean it. There’s nothing here for me anymore.
Onika smiles and I can see how beautiful she must have been. Stunning. “You really proved yourself to me. I’m impressed. I bet Monroe said he was proud.”
I freeze at her words, at how she knows things.
“You asked me once if I knew how to stop this. Do you still want to know?”
“Yes,” I answer automatically. I know it’s stupid, but I have to hear her out. I’m about to jump off a freaking bridge, I should know all of my options.
“Back when I was like you,” she says. “Back when I was weak, a Shadow came to me. He was gorgeous. Sexy. He told me I didn’t have to leave, and that if I stayed with him, I could keep my old life. But I’m not going to lie to you. It was a hard choice.”
I watch her but I can’t tell whether she’s telling the truth or not. Monroe said not to trust her. I know I shouldn’t trust her.
“You see,” she continues. “I was in love. Me and Monroe Swift, we were pretty hot and heavy in those days. He must have told you how much he loved me, right?”
“He called you a beast.”
Her delicate jaw tightens and I see a flash of anger behind her icy blue stare. Then she laughs as if I were only making a joke. “Tsk, tsk. The things he says now. Anyway, I nearly didn’t go. I was at one of my compulsions—wait, what do you call it?”
“The Need.”
“That’s catchy. I was at one of my Needs when Rodney showed up, offered me eternal life. Power. The absence of pain and loss. All I had to do was stay out of the light.”
“And now you’re a hideous monster,” I say. “Nice trade-off.”
She narrows her eyes. “What a mouth on you. My mother would have called you a telka.” Her Russian accent comes out thick. “Of course, from what I’ve seen, you’re nothing at all like a prostitute. But to my mother any woman with a big mouth was a whore.”
Her tone is venomous and I find myself backing against the railing to move away from her. The corner of her lip curves up. “I stayed for Monroe,” she says before turning to put her hands on the railing, hopping up in a graceful, inhuman way. She doesn’t need to hold on—she’s balancing even in her high-heeled boots. “Come up here, Charlotte,” she beckons, wagging her finger at me.
“Hell no.”
“It’s okay. You’ve seen it. You know you should.”
The Need pushes me, almost like a shove in the back and I’m climbing, holding on to the cables next to me for support once I’m standing. The wind is blowing against me and I look back over my shoulder, terrified that I’ll fall.
“Don’t worry,” Onika says nonchalantly. “I’ll take care of you.”
“I don’t want your help!”
And suddenly there’s a ripping in my chest, like a dagger has been stabbed through it. I groan and nearly lose my balance, but I hold on through the pain.
“I can make that stop,” she says. “If you want, of course.”
I look sideways at her. What happens if I say yes? Another pain assaults my back and I scream out. “Okay,” I say. “Make it stop. I can’t take it.”
She closes her eyes and when she opens them, my body is filled with euphoria. Relief. The most incredible sense of calm I’ve ever had. I exhale, my head rolling to one side. It’s like the best drug in the world.
“You can feel like this all the time, you know? I can make that happen.”
I gaze lazily over to her, barely hearing the clap of thunder overhead. “How?” I murmur.
Just then, a flat splatter of rain lands on my glove as it holds the cable. I look toward it as another one falls.
“It’s easy,” Onika says. “Easier than this.” I glance over to her, slowly coming back to my senses. She smiles. “You just step down off this railing and we’ll leave. You and me.”
“Sounds too easy,” I say. There is a feeling in my gut, beneath this drug I’m on. It’s like the Need is still there, only hidden. Like she’s blocking it. “Is that what happened with your Shadow?” I ask. “You went off with him to become this?”
She laughs. “Oh, I killed that bastard long ago. He wasn’t being straight with me, not like I am with you. And besides, I’m stronger than he ever was. And you, my dear, are like me.”
“I’m not.”
“Would you give it all up for Harlin? If you could still have a future with him, wouldn’t you?”
“But how? If I’m immortal, don’t you think he’d notice? Don’t you think he’d notice my skin?”
Onika rolls her eyes. “Which is why we have powers. You show people whatever you want them to see. You can even control the weather.” She laughs. “Personally I chose not to stick around, not when Monroe became adamant about sending me into the light. He was just using me. Like he’s using you now.”
“I won’t do it,” I say, desperately missing Harlin now that she’s mentioned him. Now that it’s almost over.
Onika grins. “I think you’ll change your mind.”
And then from the other side of the bridge I see two figures running toward me. I squint, but when they get closer, I feel my heart leap. Sarah and Mercy. “What? What’s happening?”
“Maybe they don’t want you to leave,” Onika murmurs, and drops to a sitting position on the railing.
I’m gasping for air as they run up the empty bridge, stopping in front of me.
“Charlotte!” Mercy screams, her dark hair loose and wild around her face. “Get down from there. Oh, Jesus, help her.” She looks up at the sky.
Sarah’s eyes are wide as she stares at me. “Charlotte,” she says cautiously. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. Please, just don’t jump.”
They remember me. They do. All of the hurt I’d felt pours out of me. “This isn’t real,” I cry. “It can’t be.”
“Can’t it?” Onika asks. “Don’t they love you enough? Don’t you love them enough?”
I take one hand to cover my eyes as I weep, not believing it’s real, but not wanting it to be false, either.
“Sweetie”—I hear Mercy’s voice—“come down, please. You’re my little girl, don’t leave me. Not like this.”
“Charlotte Cassidy,” Sarah cuts in. “If you jump now I’m going to be screwed up for life. You wouldn’t want that on your conscience, would you?” I look at her and she holds out her hand to me. “Think of all the years of therapy,” she adds.
My foot trembles as I reach it forward, ready to get down.
Rain starts to come down a little more and I feel it against the top of my head; a few drops land on my cheek.
“You walk away with me now,” Onika says from next to me. “And you can stay on this earth. You can be stronger than you imagined. You will have everything.”
I watch her. The rain is pelting her now, and slowly the tan begins to run, rivers of flesh melting off her face. She doesn’t seem to notice, but the gray underneath is showing through. Cracked, broken. Dead.
The sound of shoes slapping pavement breaks my thoughts. It’s raining hard now, but I can see a shape running up the bridge toward us. The blond hair is unmistakable. Monroe.
There is a growl next to me, but when I look over Onika is gone. Still across from me, Mercy and Sarah stand, holding out their arms and calling to me.
“Charlotte!” Monroe yells over the pounding rain. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”
“No,” I say. “I’m not.”
Mercy beckons me to her. Sarah starts to cry and Mercy hugs her to her chest. They’re both soaking wet. “Please,” Mercy begs.
And then Monroe is in front of me, and I trust that he’s real. I trust him. His hair is matted down and wet, and he’s out of breath from running. “Wow,” he says. “Your makeup is gone. It’s just you now.”
I look over to Mercy and Sarah, and I almost don’t ask. But I know I have to, even though I can’t stand to lose them again. “Monroe, do you see them?” My lip quivers as I gesture toward them.
Monroe’s eyes widen, as if he knows what’s happened. He glances around quickly. “There’s no one else here,” he whispers. “It’s only us on the bridge.”
I sway with sobs and as I look at Mercy and Sarah, at the people I love, they dissolve into rain and it’s only Onika standing there. She sighs. “It could be real,” she says. “I could make it happen. I mean, you wouldn’t have really wanted them to see you like this, would you?”
“Don’t believe anything Onika tells you,” Monroe says, coming closer.
“She showed me Mercy and Sarah,” I say with a whimper. “They were here.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “They weren’t.”
“Is it true that if I get down from here, they’ll remember me?”
“It may be true, but you won’t be you anymore, Charlotte. You’ll be a monster.” Monroe lowers his head, but his eyes still stare at me with determination. “It’s your time to go. That’s why I’m here. To witness. Don’t step down from that railing.”
“I know what he’s going to say,” I hear. I look over and Onika is next to me again, a sinister smile on her broken face. “You’re going to love this part,” she says, nodding her chin toward Monroe.
“Jump,” he says. My heart stops.
“Jump,” Onika mimics. Then she hops down from the railing and goes to him. Monroe can’t see her. He’s staring at me.
Onika walks, running her gloved finger over his chest as she walks behind him. “He really is still handsome,” she says. She rubs his shoulders, even hugs him. “You have no idea,” she calls over to me playfully, “how much he and I loved each other. Spent every second together.” She walks in front of him, traces her finger across his lips. He stares through her, at me.
“Why don’t you let him see you?” I ask her.
“Why should he?” she hisses, turning back to me. “He wanted me gone. He doesn’t deserve to see me.”
“Charlotte,” Monroe calls. “Don’t talk to her. Don’t listen to her. Please, honey. You have to go before it’s too late.”
“‘Honey’?” Onika turns to glare at him. “Isn’t that endearing?”
“I don’t want to be forgotten,” I say to Monroe, ignoring Onika as she starts to circle him. “I want them to know how much I loved them.”
Monroe nods. “No one can remember but a Seer. And I know it hurts. I’m so sorry. But if you step off that railing, you’ll be chained to this earth, slowly rotting. You don’t want that. Go into the light.”
“Funny,” Onika laughs. “And what if there’s nothing there, Charlotte? What if he really just wants to get rid of you?”
But I think of Warren, and how I was with him in the end. How much I loved him, not as myself, but as the light. And I know there’s something beyond me. And I know it’s good.
Onika stomps back over toward me. “I’m getting tired of this game,” she says, and waves her hand. “Let’s go.”
But I don’t move. Instead I hold on to the cable and wait for the next pain to hit me. I close my eyes.
In the distance, above the sound of the rain, I hear something familiar. It’s the sound of a motorcycle. I open my eyes and look down the bridge.
“Harlin called me,” Monroe says. “He was looking for you.”
“He didn’t forget me?”
“Not yet.”
I watch in anticipation as Harlin’s bike comes up the high point of the bridge and nearly spins out on the wet pavement as he sees me. His boots hit the concrete and he stops, his eyes wide underneath his helmet.
I’m balanced on the railing of a bridge, but I’m staring at him, overflowing with emotion.
He takes off his helmet, stumbling off his bike as he lays it on the ground next to him. He drops his helmet as he stares at me.
And I remember that I’m no longer hidden. My face is golden, all of me, really. I can’t decide what he’s seeing—if it’s brilliant or horrible.
“He is handsome,” I hear. Onika is sitting on the railing, picking at the leather of her gloves. The rain doesn’t seem to touch her anymore. “It’d be a shame to lose him,” she adds. “Lose that cute little apartment in the Pearl. The one with the painting studio.”
I watch as Harlin comes closer to me. His boots are dragging on the ground, like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Charlotte?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I nod. “It’s me.”
“Baby, what’s happened to you?”
I shrug. “This is it, Harlin. This is my secret. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry,” he repeats. “My God, you’re so beautiful.” My sense of loss overwhelms me, and I sway, almost stepping down. But I fight it and hold on to the cable.
“They want me to go,” I say. “They say I have to leave.”
“Leave? No.” He looks so devastated at the thought that I’m not sure I’m strong enough. I don’t think I can leave him. “To go where?” he asks, glancing between me and Monroe. Monroe shakes his head and wraps his arms tight around himself, like he can’t handle this part.
“I’m not sure.”
“I don’t understand,” Harlin says. “I don’t understand what’s going on. Come down from there, let’s go. Maybe there’s a doctor or someone who can help you.”
“No!” Monroe shouts. “Do not get down, Charlotte. You’ll be bound. You do what you’re supposed to do.”
“What?” Harlin spins around to glare at him. “Are you telling her to jump off the damn bridge? What have you done?”
In the distance sirens cut the sound of the rain. Monroe swears. “They’re coming for you, Charlotte!” he yells. “They think you’re trying to commit suicide. They’ll pull you down.”
“Good,” Harlin says, and then turns back to me. “Whatever Monroe is telling you, don’t listen, Charlotte. You don’t have to go. You can stay with me.”
“Wow,” Onika says. “Maybe he’s right. You should listen to him.”
“Baby,” Harlin continues, “I promised I’d take care of you. That first time you got on the back of my bike two years ago, I promised you that. I meant it then and I mean it now. I won’t—”
The night stops. I hold up my hand to him. “You remember that bike ride?” I ask him. It can’t be.
He nods. “Yeah.”
“Do you remember our first kiss?” My heart is pounding beneath my jacket.
“In the hall. You were covered with green paint.” He pauses, looking lost in the memory. “I ruined your white uniform shirt.”
“You did.” I burst out with a cry, but it’s one of disbelief. I look past him to Monroe, who’s standing there looking stunned.
“He’s a Seer,” he says. “That’s why you’re my last, Charlotte. Because now Harlin will take over.” Monroe stumbles back, like he can’t believe he’s free. Free of the Forgotten.
“Another Seer,” Onika says. “Didn’t anticipate that one. Well.” She slaps her hands together. “Glad we cleared that up. Now let’s get out of here before the police show and you end up on the nine o’clock news.”
“No. Leave me alone,” I say to her.
She grins. “Say it again and I will.”
The sirens are getting louder. When I look at Monroe, he smiles at me compassionately. “Jump, honey. It’s okay to jump now.”
Harlin tells him to shut up, and then holds his hand out to me, begging me to get down. He doesn’t understand any of this yet, but I know that Monroe will teach him. Give him the journals.
But even with that, I still stand there, my heart breaking because I don’t want to leave. I’m holding on to the cable, my body free of pain except for a faraway ache.
Then, the Need hits. Not the same way. Not like all the others. Over Onika’s power a wind blows through me. It’s love. It’s calm. It’s beyond me. My eyes set on Harlin’s and when they do, his expression changes. “What is it?” he asks.
I put my glove between my teeth and pull it off before reaching my golden hand to him.
“No!” Monroe yells, his voice cracking with the force of it. Onika laughs next to me.
But when Harlin steps forward to take my hand, I only bend down to get closer to him. I stay on the railing. His face is near mine as he examines me, his expression amazed.
“Everyone will forget I existed,” I whisper, taking my hand from his to touch his cheek. He closes his eyes and I feel all of my emotions, my love, fear, sadness, rush out of me and through him. He sees the Need. Everything I’ve done. And when I feel the last bit of me drain out, I let go. So relieved to be rid of it. So relieved to let him know.
My hand drops and he smiles through streaming tears. “You’re an angel.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know what I am. I just know that I love you. And that I don’t want to leave you.”
The sky is lighting up with flashing blue and red and I see the police cars turn onto the bridge, heading toward us.
“It’s time, Charlotte!” Monroe screams. “Go!”
But I stay, staring at Harlin. We watch each other, ignoring the rain, the sirens, my golden skin.
“Step down and no one will ever forget you,” Onika says, sounding a million miles away. Just then I reach into my pocket and my fingers touch something smooth. I smile, pulling out the guardian angel that Harlin had given me.
I squeeze my eyes shut as I put it to my lips and kiss it. Then I hold it out for Harlin to take. “And now I’ll watch over you,” I say.
“Charlotte Cassidy,” he whispers softly, taking the figurine from me. “I can promise one thing.” His voice cracks. “I remember every word I’ve ever told you, every second I’ve ever spent with you. And I will never, ever forget you.”
I don’t hide the choke of tears that come out. “I’m going to miss you so much,” I try to say. “I just love you so much.”
“I will keep you forever, Charlotte. I will never let you go.”
We look at each other one last second before he steps back from me, staring deep into my eyes with a love for me that only he can have. The love that tells me we are so much more than here and now. We are forever. We are complete.
Knowledge surges through me. Acceptance. The end. “Onika,” I say, but don’t bother looking at her.
“Yes, darling?”
“I think I understand the Need now. The purpose of the Forgotten.”
“Really?” She laughs, the noise cutting through the sound of the rain. “Well then, by all means, educate me.”
I look sideways at her. “The Forgotten are the only way the light can touch people. By being among them we can spread love and hope. We dodge the Shadows so that the light can shine.”
“Wow, Charlotte. That’s truly inspiring.”
“But that’s not all,” I say. “I’ve realized something else.”
“Which is?”
“That maybe I’m also here to stop you.”
Onika’s lips curve into a wicked grin. “That’s almost sweet. But I’ll be honest, love. You’re not nearly strong enough to take me out.”
I nod. “Not yet.”
Onika’s jaw tightens and she hops down from the railing, her boots making a loud clapping noise on the pavement. She begins to walk away, but then turns back to look at me. “I’ll be seeing you on the flip side, Charlotte,” she calls. “Enjoy the fall.”
Suddenly I’m hit hard with a jolt of hot electricity. I scream until my throat burns.
My golden skin is tearing and little cracks of light are escaping right through my clothes. But as the light escapes, the burning is replaced with something else. Pure relief.
I find a way to lock eyes with Harlin again. And I smile at him, knowing he loves me. He’ll remember me.
And then I close my eyes and let go of the cable, the feeling of tipping backward both exhilarating and powerless.
Wind is blowing past me and I open my eyes to look at the bridge above me. But I see only Harlin. And as I fall, he mouths, I love you.
The world around me is silent. And then there is an explosion of bright yellow light that extends to forever. A flow of emotion and heat pouring from me, illuminating the entire night sky. Illuminating the entire world. And in my last second, all I think is: It is so beautiful.
After
I hear an echo as sound hums its way into my ears. It’s a heavy noise, reverberating as it gets louder. Louder. Louder—I’m afraid my head will burst from the vibration, and finally my eyes flutter open and it stops.
I see sky above me—blue and cloudless. Blinking quickly, I try to get my bearings. Sensation returns to my fingers and I dig in, feeling the grit of rock and sand beneath them.
In the distance, I hear wind in the trees. I try to swallow but my mouth is dry. Sucking in a harsh breath, I start to sit up, my body shaking. Vibrating. It feels . . . electric.
I bend my knees and rest my elbows on them as I look around. I’m in a park of some sort: sandy hills with cacti surrounding me, a center fountain flowing on the other side of a cement wall bordering it. Far off, I see cars crossing a huge bridge over a dried-up riverbed. A bridge?
Where am I?
Dizzy and confused, I stumble as I try to stand. I look down and my feet are bare.
Walking is odd and my legs feel off-balance, especially since the desert beneath them is hot and getting hotter. After a few yards I find a street, which is empty but for a few parked cars. I glance up at the sky again; it’s so clear and sunny. I’m not sure why, but the light settles in my bones, makes me feel warm. Loved.
I start to move down the sidewalk toward the bridge, when a glint of light catches my eye from a car’s side mirror. I glance over and look at myself in the passenger window.
I see a reflection, but it’s not familiar. Suddenly, fear seizes me as I look between the bridge and myself. Feeling off. Feeling wrong.
Because I realize: I have no idea who I am.