This Star Won't Go Out

Another thing I realize is that your friendship is so very important to me, and I wouldn’t have such a close one with you had it not been for all this. And if I had the choice of going back in time, somehow, and preventing the cancer, I wouldn’t, since it would change so many things.

I just wanted you to know that maybe I don’t really care that I have cancer. It’s a part of me at the moment, and I find I’m quite fortunate. What I mean is that thyroid cancer is treatable with radiation, and I’m barely affected by that! I feel differently about chemotherapy. I mean . . . that’s tons of poison, killing good stuff too. I hope they find a good cure for cancer soon, cause well, if I hadn’t gotten sick, I wouldn’t have thought twice about all the patients that suffer from it . . . I would have “ohh . . . too bad” sympathy, instead of earnest sympathy. Sometimes I just feel the urge to scream and have a fit because doctors can’t find a cure for this disease . . . oh, it’s painful.

(Wow! I just realized it seems a bit like I’m talking to my diary, not to you. Oh well!!!)

I just thought you should know that I accept the fact that I had thyroid cancer. It’s fine and I’m NOT in denial or anything, I just know everything’s okay with God and a protecting, loving, caring family helping me through it.

Okay, so, sorry to change the mood but it’s your . . . what is it? . . . 18th Mother’s Day Day!!

P.S. I’m better at writing on paper than talking. Seriously. Even to Angie. Oh, that reminds me . . . you know that even though I can’t open up to [you] as much as I can with her, you do realize that I appreciate your friendship more than a lot of things? Cause I do. And Mom? Babe, I love you, and there’s no other way to put it.

PS. tell Dad I say thanks . . . without him I wouldn’t be here . . . literally!


Happy Mommy’s Day!





I love you.

Ich liebe dich.

Je t’aime.

+ and some hundred or 10 other languages

Your’s Forever,

And ever,

And ever,

And ever,

And Infinity,

<3 Estee <3





Mother and daughter,

PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS, 2003



Beach Boardwalk,

SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA, 2004


June 5, 2007


Life is going ok right now.

Really, it is.


Mom & Dad had their anniversary on June 2—but they had their anniversary dinner in town on the first. I wrote them a card and left it by their door during the night. They said they “loved” it.

Then at about 11 PM—June 2—, me and Angie decided to do something for Mother’s Day—June 3. (the rents were in bed—asleep) We used white paper & cut out “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!”—2 letters per each page. We set them on the dining room table, with a card I wrote Mom (long one!) & a little note Ang wrote. We decided it looked too plain, so we went out the gate and got lots of flowers (some from peoples’ yards . . . :D). It was soo fun cause it was about 12:30! And we were ditzy & blonde. Funerooo.


June 20, 2007 3:00 PM


You know, I have a really great attitude about all this cancer thing. I smile, laugh and joke about it. I only have meltdowns like, once every month. And . . . I normally only have them in my room—away from people. Angie’s never even see me cry about it but it really is hard. It’s not like anyone’s here to comfort me now. We’re stressed. We’re going to another country tomorrow . . . continent, actually.

What am I supposed to say when people say like, “Toughen up, you’ve only been through surgery,” just as Angie just did. It’s just . . . surgery doesn’t seem the problem. It was like, 6 months ago. Surgery is gone and done. But I still have cancer in my body. I’M the one that God didn’t heal. I’m not mad at him, though. He has reasons for everything. But . . . I just want someone to ask how I really feel. I still hurt inside, no matter how happy I am on the outside.

Sorry that I seem so depressed when I talk to you. It’s just . . . you’re the only ‘person’ besides God that I can talk to. I’m so glad God loves and cares for me. It makes me feel really safe . . . REALLY. Sigh. I’ve gotta go clean now.

<3 Later xoxo



Evangeline, Abraham, and Esther,

La Grand-Place,

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM, 2007


It’s now June 22 and we’re in the states! Lots to tell . . .