This Star Won't Go Out

Doctor Smith emailed Mum and Dad today, telling us she’s scheduling an MRI, a date with her, I THINK with the physical therapist and also someone else. I looked up MRIs on Google Images and it looks like the picture as I can draw it on the next page. I’m nervous for it not only because I have to go through some claustrophobic thing, but because there’s a chance it could have spread. And it’s already so, so hard. Today I said to Mom, “What would happen if I have cancer in my spine?” And as she talked about how serious that would be, and how if it spread pause it would first go to leukemia . . . it hit me that I have cancer.

CANCER! The kind of sickness that people die of—often! It’s not like I dwell on it that much—but I sure don’t like the fact that I do have cancer. And I might die. It’s more serious of an illness I never thought I could have—not even during surgery. I mean right before surgery funny enough I didn’t feel too sad. I was just thinking of when I went into surgery—to switch subjects. And right before I did, Opa prayed and prayed, and Mom and Dad did too, but I remember feeling so full of peace. I remember that I talked/prayed to God while I lay on my surgery bed thing, unable to move because the shunt in my side hurt. And I remember telling God that whatever happens, happens. I remember telling myself “He’s in control.” I remember that I didn’t even feel nervous going in—just a little sad about maybe (if things went wrong) never seeing my family again. Ha, I just had a sobbing attack. I was just thinking how I don’t know if I’ll live. I’m so scared. God means so much to me, but I wish He could heal me. Is that vain? selfish? stupid? That I want to be better is, I think, any sick child’s wish. You know how God especially loves children? I’m a child—right? Well, I just want him to lift me up and hug me, like in all those pictures of Jesus and the children . . . Is that too much to ask for? Maybe so, I don’t know. I’m off reading Esther in the Bible—there’s one verse that I’m especially looking for.

GOODNIGHT! <3 Esther


Esther 8:3 “If I have found favor with you, O king, and if it pleases your majesty—grant me my life—this is my petition.”




things I’m thankful for:


- my cats!

- my family!

- oxygen machines

- air conditioner

- weight

- God

- our house





CARINGBRIDGE

ESTHER EARL/JOURNAL


Esther Grace Earl’s Journal

The CaringBridge site for Esther began after she had come precariously close to leaving us during an extended stay at the hospital in October 2008. As she lay unconscious over several days, many people became aware of the seriousness of her illness for the first time. Since her diagnosis, we had communicated updates with family and friends through e-mail and phone calls, but suddenly there were far too many new sympathizers! Lori looked around and decided that CaringBridge would be the perfect vehicle for getting the news out about her condition more efficiently. On November 1, 2008, Esther’s father wrote the first Guestbook entry:

Dearest Estee Star,



I love you loads and loads and you are on my mind even for those moments when I’m not by your side!

Always and Forever,


Daddy



Esther’s CaringBridge continues to remain active and people are still writing encouraging notes to her and to our family. As of November 1, 2013—five years since opening the site—there have been over 84,000 visits.



At Children’s Hospital,

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS, 2009





Saturday, November 1, 2008 12:30 PM, EDT


The last week has seen some good improvement in Esther’s energy level and appetite. She ate servings of Mom’s stuffed grape leaves, and last night enjoyed African curry! Talk has been of sending her home next week to spend some time at home, once the logistics of getting her back and forth for hospital visits at her high oxygen settings is worked out. We’d love to have her home, and she is so anxious to see her kitties, Pancake and Blueberry.





Monday, November 3, 2008 11:28 PM, CST


Okay, so this is the journal on this site! Apparently it’s where we’ll be updating the main things that go on with me (Esther). Most of the time mom (also known as Lori) will be updating it, but I want to say hi sometimes too. :) Even if I don’t always respond or write stuff, I’d just like to say that I love all the messages and cards and thoughts and prayers and all the people that think about me, and us. I’m so thankful for everything. Thank you all so much.:) So just to say really quickly that I feel good, and going home tomorrow is being talked seriously about! Yes:D


-Esther



Me and Blueberry,

FALL, 2008





Tuesday, November 4, 2008 10:18 PM, CST


On this election day, as you await the results with either joy or fortitude, here’s something to REALLY celebrate!!! Esther Earl is home tonight from the hospital! In sharing with a fellow teacher today, I stopped in mid-telling to exclaim—“This is what happiness feels like!”


While Esther’s diagnosis is unchanged, and her oxygen settings are very high (5 liters), the doctors felt she was stable enough to come home as long as she is able. We are thrilled, and she savored the freedom of leaving Children’s Hospital after 32 days of incarceration! Her kitties, brothers and sisters welcomed her home, and we plan to enjoy each moment God may give us with Esther, whether that is a few months or years. Rejoice with us!





Thursday, November 6, 2008 5:40 AM, EST