Chapter Thirteen
When Jed picked her up for dinner, Clarissa knew she had to talk about the Van Neys. About how her life could impact the outcome of the suit.
“You talked to a lawyer?”
Jed nodded. “I did, and it’ll be fine. If they wanted to be part of Mack’s life they would’ve been there before today.”
She bit her lip and then said the words that had troubled her all day. “They’re going to use me against you.”
He shook his head. “No worries there. Just like I told Joan, your past has no bearing here. They’re welcome to try, but I think if they tried the whole city’d come out in support of you. We’re not going to worry about it.”
Clarissa wished she could put the worry away so easily.
A small sports car was parked in front of the family house at the Triple Eight.
“Your sister’s?” Clarissa asked in surprise and Jed laughed.
“Sure is. She’s a little different.”
They parked the truck and the “little different” sister flew out of the house and to the truck then wrapped her brother’s waist in a giant hug before turning to her and giving her the same treatment.
“I’m so glad to meet you,” she said.
Clarissa looked above the girl’s head to stare at Jed who just laughed.
Callie Dillon was shorter than Clarissa with long blonde hair that fell in waves around her shoulders. She wore a yellow sundress and sandals with turquoise and silver. Her nails were manicured perfectly, and she looked like she spent her days soaking in sunshine.
She looked like what she was: the youngest daughter of a wealthy Oklahoma family.
Only instead of the ranching business, Callie worked in advertising in Dallas. Currently she was interning because “finding a full-time job in this economy isn’t exactly easy.” She had one more semester to turn the internship into the real deal, find a different job or Susie and Paul were cutting her off.
She told the story with such good nature Clarissa couldn’t help but smile. Paul and Susie looked none too thrilled.
“Auntie Callie, look what I can do!” Mackenzie ran into the room and started spinning around and around so her dress would billow out.
Jed’s sister clapped her hands in glee until Mackenzie fell at her feet.
“I’m dizzy, Auntie.”
Then she got up to go again, only this time Jed walked in and scowled. “Mackenzie Renee, you know better than to cut up in the house.”
“Come on, Jed, she’s just playing,” Callie said, which earned her an even bigger scowl.
Clarissa agreed with his sister on this one, but she wasn’t about to voice that opinion. At least not in public, and not when it was obvious he was stressed over the Van Neys petition.
Mackenzie said “Yes, sir” and ran to Jed to give him a hug before pulling her aunt to the bedroom to see Kitty.
“Clarissa had to give her back ‘cause she moved into the apartment again,” the little girl was explaining as the two disappeared.
“I think Mackenzie and your sister have a lot in common,” she said, and Jed agreed.
“She’ll get you alone as soon as she gets the chance,” Jed warned. “You want me to run interference?”
“You’re just worried she’ll tell me your secrets,” she teased.
Callie walked back in then and shot her a thumbs up. “Smart girl. Wait until I tell you about the time he nearly burned the house down.”
“You mean you nearly burned the house down,” Jed corrected, but his sister stood firm on her opinion.
“You were supposed to be the firefighter. My Barbies were innocent victims.”
Jed laughed, and Clarissa breathed a huge sigh of relief at his joy. He needed this tonight.
Clarissa left the two to reminisce and walked into the kitchen to ask Susie if she needed any help. Susie pointed to a pan of potatoes on the stove and walked her through the ingredients necessary for the best mashed potatoes ever. Following instructions Clarissa added the cream, parmesan cheese, cream cheese, butter and chicken stock then whipped them up.
She had to admit Susie was right. The potatoes looked amazing. Susie used a spoon to test and agreed they were ready.
And then she rested a hand on Clarissa’s shoulder and looked solemnly into her eyes.
“This will work out how it’s supposed to. Don’t fret.”
She’d thought she’d covered her worry.
“How can you be so sure?”
Susie waved a hand at herself. “Child, you don’t live to be my age and not learn life’s a whole lot easier if we let God stay in the driver’s seat.”
Susie spooned the potatoes into a bowl and set them on the table followed by a warm batch of biscuits and then she said, “Call them to dinner. It’s time.”
They ate and laughed and told story after story and Clarissa basked in the warmth of the family. After dinner Mackenzie brought kitty out “because she misses you bunches, Clarissa.”
Kitty didn’t seem to be missing anyone. She jumped on the back of the couch, gave them all a regal glare and then went to sleep.
After Mackenzie was sent to bed, three times, Jed started a fire in the fire pit and they sat outside watching the stars and lightning bugs. It was a perfect night. Or it would be if not for worries about Mackenzie’s maternal grandparents.
“You know she’s not seriously coming back, don’t you?” Jed’s sister’s heated voice started the conversation. “She never wanted to be a mother. She swore she hated Stearns. This is all some elaborate ruse. I’m not sure what it’s for, but it’s not real.”
Jed leaned back against the porch swing and kept his arm behind Clarissa. His sigh spoke volumes.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I need to do whatever necessary to keep Mack safe.”
His words sent a chill over her.
He might not see it, but she did. She was the issue. She was the excuse the Van Neys were using.
“Let’s talk about anything else,” Jed said and Callie turned to her.
“I want to know all about you, Clarissa.”
Clarissa answered her questions easily, but she couldn’t reclaim the feeling that all was well.
When she returned to the apartment, her premonition proved to be true. An envelope was clipped to her mail box.
“Don’t open it,” Jed said. Part of Clarissa wanted to do as he said. Ignore whatever the envelope held. But avoiding wouldn’t fix anything.
“I’ve got to Jed,” she said, and she slid the top open and looked inside.
Pictures and printed papers. She unlocked the front door, pushed it open and Jed followed. She poured the contents of the envelope on the table and closed her eyes.
The pictures were of them and Mackenzie. Taken the last two days, they showed a happy family. The grocery store, the church, the diner, Shawnee.
“They really went all out,” she said shaking her head. She picked up one of him carrying the groceries they’d bought and laughed. “I especially like this one. It’s your good side.”
Jed groaned. “Clarissa, I’m sorry. I didn’t think…”
She brushed his words away. “It’s not your fault,” she said pushing the pictures back into the envelope. The other papers were copies of stories about her past. They’d known Joan Anderson had those.
“I don’t understand her being so hateful,” Clarissa said. “I never did anything to her.”
Jed pulled her close. Tried to explain. “She planned on me and Bethany being together forever, and when it didn’t happen that way, she changed. Bethany lived with Joan three months a year without fail. But when she decided she wanted out, that was that. Joan blames me. And because she blames me, she hates you. It’s sad.”
Sad was one way to describe it. Pathetic another. Still, “maybe we should step back, stop whatever it is we have until after this blows over.”
“No way,” Jed said. “This ‘whatever we have’ is I love you, Clarissa Dye. And Mackenzie does, too. We’re not stopping, we’ve got nothing to hide.”
Happiness burst through her at his words. She wanted to tell him she loved him, too, but the words stuck in her throat and then the moment passed, and she couldn’t do it.
So she said, “I love spending time with you and your family. Your sister’s nice.”
She wanted to kick herself. Could she be any more lame?
Jed snorted a laugh. “Callie can be nice. She can also be a spoiled spitfire. I’m glad you got to meet her. I hope to introduce you to the rest of the family soon. My brother Tom will be here for Christmas. He won’t get leave before then.”
As he spoke wonder filled her. She was making plans for Christmas. Plans with his family. Plans that would keep her in Stearns. And she wanted to be here. Had no desire to leave.
She reached up to kiss him then, and he kissed her back, and it felt like all was right in the world.
The jarring ring of her cell phone woke her first. The area code showed Oklahoma, but she didn’t recognize the number. She thought about letting voicemail get it, changed her mind.
“Hello.”
“Miss Dye,” a voice she didn’t recognize started, “My name’s is Kelly Canton. I’m a reporter with…”
Shock and confusion warred in Clarissa’s mind. For some reason she didn’t hang up the phone immediately. She let the woman finish her introduction and ask for an interview.
“I won’t be interested,” Clarissa said, and this time, she didn’t wait to see what the reporter had to say next. She hung up, looked at the time and dialed Jed’s number.
His phone went to voice mail, and she listened to his deep steady tones telling her to leave a message at the beep.
Panic hit then and she hung up before saying anything. What could she say? Reporters are calling. It starts with one, but there will be others. This will turn into a circus because you’re handsome and rich and your daughter is precious and my past is so salacious. They won’t be able to stay away.
Joan Anderson had won.
It was really that simple. She couldn’t stay. Not now anyway. Not until this business with the Van Neys was finished.
But if she left, Jed would be furious. He’d be hurt. And Mackenzie…
God, she didn’t know what to do.
She closed her eyes, tried to pray, but her cell phone rang again. She checked to see if maybe it was Jed, but it was the reporter.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. She repeated the words to herself, and she knew God would make this all work out. He’d keep Mackenzie and Jed safe, and He’d keep her safe too. But keeping her safe didn’t necessarily mean keeping her safe here.
She called Bev who told her to hold on a second. A door closed and then Bev was back on the line. After she explained everything, Bev said “Ahhhhh, that explains it.”
“Explains what?” Clarissa needed direction. She needed someone to tell her the right answers.
“Well the reporter called Pete’s last night after you were off, but you know Pete, he didn’t say anything. And Jed’s lawyer is sitting at my kitchen table with donuts for the kids. He might’ve said something about your past being troublesome but nothing they couldn’t handle in court if it comes to that.”
Clarissa’s heart fell to her toes. She wanted to focus on the lawyer bringing donuts for the kids, but all she could think about was the word troublesome.
“I’ve got to go. I can’t let this happen to him. I should’ve known.”
“Sugar,” Bev said, “it’ll be fine. It won’t be easy, but it will work out.”
It would work out all right. “It’ll hurt Mackenzie. Jed can handle it. He’s strong and tough and such a good dad. But I can’t let this happen to Mackenzie. I’ve got to go. At least for now. I’ve got…I’ll talk to you later.”
She hung up the phone, threw her belongings into the two cases and ran down the stairs and into the diner.
Jed noticed the missed call at the same time his phone rang. He picked up when he saw Bev’s picture. Kind of early for a call from Bev.
“What’s up sunshine?” he said, pointing out the trees he wanted José to harvest next.
“I might’ve accidentally screwed up big time,” Bev said and Jed turned away from the arbor area completely.
He stuck a finger in his ear so he could hear better then said “What?”
“I told Clarissa your lawyer thinks her past might be troublesome. And a reporter called her asking questions. She’s scared, and I think she’s going to leave.”
Several things hit Jed a once. “Ron talked to you about my case?”
“Focus, Jed. Reporter, troublesome, bolting. Clarissa’s leaving because she’s afraid her past will lead to a big mess, and she doesn’t want Mack hurt. You better get to town quick. She sounded pretty determined.”
Jed hung up the phone and took off running.
Surprisingly, Pete understood when she said she had to leave.
“You might think about waiting a couple days to get things in order first,” he said, but Clarissa didn’t want to wait. Not with a reporter calling.
“I don’t have much to get in order. The church doesn’t need me any more for childcare, and you’ve hired new girls. I’ll go to the City maybe or Tulsa. Somewhere to wait until this is over.”
“You leaving won’t change anything,” Mrs. Norene said. She and Lester were eating breakfast at the bar instead of their table for a change.
“Norene,” Pete said looking at her pointedly. But Mrs. Norene just shrugged.
“I saw her come barreling in here with her hair all mussed and no face on yet, and figured it must be an emergency. It’s a good thing I’m nosy because she needs my advice, not yours, Pete.”
Then Mrs. Norene turned to her. “Trust me, sweetie. You can’t outrun the press. Running will just make you look guilty.”
“I am guilty,” Clarissa said, making the point yet again.
“Long time ago,” Lester said. And Mrs. Norene said, “Exactly. Plus, you leave that Jed and he’ll be heartbroken again. You don’t want that.”
She didn’t. “But if I stay, you have no idea…”
“I know you’re one of us now. We help our own.”
The bell over the diner door jingled, and Jed ran into the diner looking like the hounds of hell were on his heels. He spied her across the way and visibly relaxed.
“We need to talk,” he said, and she said, “Yes, we do.”
“Should’ve put your face on,” Mrs. Norene said.
Jed shot Mrs. Norene a confused look, and Clarissa didn’t bother to explain.
“You want to do this here?” He asked, looking pointedly around the diner. It wasn’t crowded, but everyone there was fixated on the scene playing out before them. Fortunately, no one had broken out a camera phone.
“Kitchen,” she said tilting her head away from the dining area.
“Bummer,” Mrs. Norene said, but she turned back to her french toast smiling.
And then Jed said “Never mind. I’d planned on something different, but this is good enough,” which surprised Clarissa because what on earth was he talking about?
Only then he knelt on the floor of the diner and said, “Clarissa Dye, I know you’re thinking about leaving because my fool lawyer said some fool thing to Bev who was foolish enough to repeat it to you, but I need you to listen. I love you. I will always love you. I think you are the strongest woman I know, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to be my wife and Mack’s Momma. I want to grow old with you and pray with you every day and fight with you over silly things like what color to paint the nursery or which music to play on the radio. I know some of our roads ahead might be tough, but I also know with you, those roads will be a whole lot easier. Knowing you’re willing to leave right now because you’re worried about hurting us makes me love you more and proves to me more than anything else you’re supposed to be my wife. Clarissa, will you marry me?”
Joy unlike anything she’d ever felt before filled Clarissa’s heart. Around her the diner had fallen into complete silence, and she knew they all were waiting. She also knew there was only one answer.
She threw her arms around Jed’s neck and buried her face there. “I love you, Jed Dillon,” she said through sobs. “Yes, Yes I will be your wife.”
And the whole diner cheered.
Will the Van Neys go through with the petition? Will Bethany return? What about the other Dillons? Look for more Triple Eight stories by Mary Beth Lee, coming soon.
About the Author
Mary Beth Lee is a student media adviser in Texas where she lives with her husband. She earned her BA and MA in English from Midwestern State University.
You can find her online at http://marybethlee.com and http://marybethlee.wordpress.com and follow her on twitter @marybethleeybnp.
Grace is Enough Excerpt
Some secrets can destroy a family. In Grace is Enough sisters Cass Deason and Anna Turner learn the secrets they think they're hiding aren't the worst ones of all. They also learn that God's forgiveness is there waiting. All they have to do is accept it. An inspirational romance by Mary Beth Lee. Enjoy this excerpt.
“Momma, Justine stole a cookie.”
“Momma, Delia colored all over my homework.”
“Momma, Dani’s stuck in the slide.”
Anna Turner wished for just this once that someone else named Momma lived in the house. And then she almost cried. Because someone else named Momma did live in the house. She just wouldn’t get out of bed.
Running a frustrated hand through her cropped blonde hair, Anna counted to ten and blew out a breath as she started down the back steps to see what had her girls in such an uproar.
Stuck in the slide sounded worst.
She hit the door and heard the commotion at the same time.
There, stuck between the first two steps on the wooden swing set ladder, baby Dani smiled, her toddler legs, one shoe on, one off, dangling from the backyard slide. The Chihuahua, Killer, danced around barking as if the screeching staccato noise would actually fix something. Justine had one of Dani’s arms. Delia the other. It looked like the girls were going to pull their baby sister apart.
Sighing, Anna started through the yard. Side stepping Killer’s dog doo, she reached the slide and pulled Dani up into her arms.
“Delia, go get your sister’s homework and let me see it. I swear, if you made too much of a mess you’re gonna be in trouble. Do you understand me?”
Delia’s bottom lip trembled as she ran into the house. Once the screen slammed shut, Anna turned to her oldest daughter.
Justine crossed her arms over her chest and let out a sigh that was far too old for her seven years. “I was hungry. It was just a cookie.”
It was more than that, and Justine was old enough to know it. Anna started to remind Justine of how much effort went into making sure they could have that cookie after school when her eyes caught the scar on her oldest daughter’s shoulder. The one that started there, matched by twins and triplets of puckered skin, skin that would never know perfection, all the way down to the top of her hip.
Guilt nagged at her even though Anna knew she’d done everything in her power to make it up to her girl, her oldest, her dear, sweet Justine.
But nothing was going to erase the awareness in those big chocolate brown eyes of hers. And nothing was ever going to put the innocence back.
What harm was an extra cookie? Justine’d earned that and more.
Anna tried to hold Dani close, to use the soft touch of the baby to give her a moment’s peace, but by the time she’d caught a whiff of her No More Tears Shampoo, Dani was wiggling free.
Anna sighed at the same time as Justine, and they both watched Dani waddle away. Once Anna made sure the baby was okay, she turned to face Justine again. “Yes, sweetie. It was just a cookie. I bought the cookies for you and your sisters. One a day after school. That’s the deal. You had two, so you skip tomorrow’s.”
Justine started in on the “Mom” rant at the same time Delia brought out the homework sheet. Yep. Colored. Bright red and orange scribbles marred the perfect printed spelling words beneath.
“I was just trying to write, Momma. I was helping Justine.” Delia looked up at Justine with unadulterated hero worship, and Anna tried to stifle her smile. Mr. Andrews would still take the work on Monday. He’d understand. No damage done.
“You leave your sister’s homework alone, Delia. If you want to help, ask her first.”
Delia’s bottom lip quivered. “She never lets me help. She hates me,” she cried.
Delia didn’t remember, thank God, how very untrue that statement was.
“Your sister doesn’t hate you, Delia,” Anna said taking the homework from her middle daughter. “She just needs her space. And her homework is important. Go get Dani, and we’ll have supper in a minute.”
“Mac’roni and cheese?”
Anna nodded her head. “Yep.” Third day in a row. Delia whooped with glee—the girl could eat her weight in macaroni and cheese—and chased after her baby sister. Their soft brown hair with golden highlights seemed to sparkle in the late afternoon sun. Sparkle just like Cass’s had once upon a time.
Turning to go back in the house, Anna knew she had to call Cass. She couldn’t keep doing this alone. Momma needed help. Help maybe Cass could give.
Help Anna’d been trying to give all by herself for eighteen years. But it wasn’t enough. Not any more. Cass had to come home.
*****
I can do this. I can do this. God help me, I can do this. Cass pulled into her mother’s driveway, put the car in park and tried to ignore the way her hands were shaking.
This was so stupid. She’d seen her mother and her sister over the years, just not here. Not on their turf. And not when she was feeling so completely out of control of her own life.
The living room curtain moved, and Cass wondered who was watching, waiting for her.
She flipped the driver’s side mirror down, fluffed her hair, slid a dab of soft pink gloss over her lips and then grabbed her purse. Procrastination over.
She’d no sooner opened the car door and stepped into the sweltering Standridge, Texas late spring heat than the front screen on the house smacked against the wall, and four-year-old Delia came barreling out.
“Auntie Cass. Auntie Cass. We been waiting for you.”
Cass laughed at the excitement in the little girl’s voice and reached down to give her a hug. But a hug wasn’t going to be enough for Delia. She launched herself into Cass’s arms and hung on to her shoulders like they were some sort of lifeline.
For a moment the bitter taste of regret and wasted wishes overpowered the lingering sweetness of the Icee she’d stopped for just outside of town. Cass willed it away.
“We missed you bunches, Auntie. Gran won’t get outa bed. And Justine’s always doing homework, homework, homework, even though it’s Friday. And Momma’s mad all the time. Where’s Uncle John? He didn’t go to jail did he?”
Cass held Delia tight as the innocent words sliced into her heart. She forced herself to keep her smile in place and ran a hand over the little girl’s soft brown hair.
“No silly. Uncle John’s not in jail. He’s taking care of the church. Let’s go find your mother.” She wouldn’t talk about Momma not getting out of bed. This little girl certainly wouldn’t know the cause of her Grandmother’s deep depression.
Delia wiggled free of her aunt’s arms and then grabbed her hand to lead her inside.
“Momma didn’t believe you’d come, but me an’ Justine said you would. Are you really Wonder Woman? That’s what Momma said. But she didn’t sound all that happy about it. I like your lipstick. It smells like strawberries.”
Cass wouldn’t let her niece’s truth-filled ramblings hurt her. Where was Anna anyway? A four-year-old little girl shouldn’t be running around the front yard by herself.
As if the thought had conjured her, Anna appeared. Standing in the doorway with baby Dani on her hip, Anna looked tired and aggravated and not exactly welcoming.
What she looked was hardened. All the soft edges that had always made Anna more feminine, more exotic almost, were erased by the last few years. Years Cass knew little of, and what she did know made her heart hurt for her sister.
But Anna wouldn’t want to know that. God forbid anyone feel sorry for Anna Deason-Jackson-Fite-Turner. So Cass did what she’d become quite an expert at. She buried those feelings somewhere Anna wouldn’t see and then hugged her sister tight. “I got here as fast as I could.”
Anna hugged her close but fast and then stepped away. “I’m glad you’re here, Cass.” Then her eyes turned down to where Delia stood, smiling so big it hurt Cass’s heart and made her smile back at the same time.
“Delia, I told you not to go out front without me. Don’t do it again.”
Delia’s bottom lip turned out, and the little girl looked completely crushed at her mother’s reprimand. Cass wanted to tell Anna it was okay, but what did she know about parenting?
“Delia, did you hear me?”
Delia gave a long-suffering sigh and nodded. “Yes ma’am. I won’t go in the front yard without you.”
The baby in Anna’s arms threw herself forward with a laugh at the same time, and Cass grabbed her before she fell. The baby’s weight in Cass’s arms expanded the ache in her heart, but she bit it away. She wasn’t going to let regret rule her emotions. Not here. Not where she was needed.
The baby, Dani, was trying to tell her something about a nose, but Cass wasn’t quite sure what it was.
She was sure, however, that Anna had lost way too much weight lately. Her hipbones were jutting out above the waistline of her worn blue jeans. Her eyes were shadowed with dark smudges of sleeplessness and who knew what else.
Holding the baby in one arm and Delia’s hand with hers, Cass followed her sister in through the front hall, their mother’s doll collection staring down eerily from cabinets hanging on the walls.
And even though she couldn’t understand what Dani was trying to tell her about noses, Cass couldn’t help but hear Delia’s whispered words.
“Momma, I don’t think Auntie Cass is Wonder Woman. She’s wearing too many clothes.”
“Go on into the kitchen, Delia. Your sister’s got the plates ready.”
As Delia walked away, Anna turned to Cass and mouthed I’m sorry then took the baby back. Cass’s heart clenched as she watched her sister place a kiss on the little girl’s forehead.
Anna wasn’t sorry. Not really. Cass knew that. She could tell in the tiny lines of disapproval around her sister’s mouth.
“I hope you don’t mind macaroni and cheese. That’s supper tonight.”
Cass followed Anna into the kitchen and saw Justine spooning the creamy noodles onto plates. Her stomach rumbled as she took in the carb and fat laden foods. Hotdogs. Mac and Cheese. French fries. Oh Lord. She hadn’t had this much starch in years.
She should probably go unload the car.
But then she saw the look in her sister’s eyes and knew this was a test.
A test of the emergency sister system. This was her sister’s reality, and she would either blend in, or she could go on back to California and John and all the uncertainty there and leave Anna alone to figure this mess out on her own.
Cass put her purse on the floor in front of the couch and then sat down at the table Justine had readied.
“You did a great job, sweetie,” Cass said.
Justine shrugged. “Momma did it. She does everything,” she said pointedly as she plopped into the seat across from her little sister and narrowed her eyes at Cass making it clear she wasn’t exactly thrilled with her aunt’s visit.
Anna put Dani in the highchair and then sat a blue plastic Cookie Monster plate loaded with cheesy noodles in front of the baby.
Dani giggled gleefully and dug in with a pink plastic spoon and her fingers.
Cass looked to the back of the house, but Anna guessed her question. “Go ahead and eat. You can see Momma in a few minutes. She’s probably sleeping right now anyway.”
Anna poured her a tall cup of iced tea, and Cass sipped the sweet drink she hadn’t tasted in years.
“Gran sleeps all the time, Auntie. It’s like Sleeping Beauty, ‘cept Gran’s old sorta. She needs a Prince Charming like Uncle John.”
Somehow Cass kept the pain from showing. At least she thought she did until Anna’s eyes met hers, and Cass saw the questions, the surprise, and then the quick smack of silent sympathy.
“Don’t be dumb, Delia. Gran’s sick. She’s not Sleeping Beauty.” Justine shook her head in older sister aggravation.
“I’m not dumb. And Gran’s not either sick. She just needed Auntie Cass to come home, huh Momma?”
“Oh honey.” Anna looked like she wanted to say more. Instead she pointed her fork at the plate in front of Delia. “Eat your supper.”
But Delia wouldn’t be put off. “You said, Momma. You said Auntie….”
Cass wondered what exactly Anna’d said, but Anna didn’t let Delia finish. “Eat. Now.”
Delia huffed and started to eat but stopped after a few seconds, a triumphant look on her face.
“You were right, Momma. Auntie Cass is Wonder Woman.”
And before Cass could figure out that cryptic statement, Delia was out of her seat and running across the living room.
“Gran. Gran. You’re up. Killer missed you, and I did too. We’re having Mac’roni and Cheese, and Auntie Cass is here, and that’s a miracle just like in the Bible. Come eat, Gran. You can sit by me.”
*****
Anna’s breath caught when she looked, really looked, at her mother standing there stoop shouldered, arms around Delia.
Her skin was white, almost translucent. Dark shadows shaded the swollen skin under her eyes, eyes that used to sparkle with fun and excitement.
What on earth drove her mother to such dangerous lows? Was it the past two years? Was it her? The newspaper stories, the court battles, the therapy sessions, the loss of one job and then another and another because bosses didn’t understand.
Anna shook her head. Who was she kidding? She couldn’t understand, so how could they?
Momma took a step forward, embraced first Cass and then her. Just like always. Strangely, after all this time, it still hurt.
“Hey Momma.” Anna wanted to touch her mother’s pale cheek gently. Beg her to stay up. To play Chutes and Ladders with the kids and throw a ball or two at the dog going crazy around her feet. To go to that uptight church of hers for prayer meeting. Anything. “Sure looks like Killer missed you.”
“Here, Momma.” Cass jumped up from her seat and pointed. “You sit. I’ll get you a plate.”
And there she went, taking charge just like always. As if she hadn’t checked out on them the day she left without a backwards glance. Cass walked right to the cabinet plates had always been in and took down one of the pretty tea rose dishes she’d sent for Christmas a few years back.
Justine’d used all the plain old white ones to prove she didn’t care about Cass’s presents, so the pretty ones were all that were left.
Cass carried the plate and a glass to the table and Momma reached out and grabbed her wrist like it was some sort of link to a long forgotten life.
“Oh baby, I’m so glad you’re here. We miss you.”
Cass reached down and kissed Momma on the top of her head as if she were a guardian angel come to make everything better, and bitterness welled in Anna’s stomach. She’d made the call, now she needed to deal with the reality. In a world with Cass, Anna would always be second best.
“I don’t miss her none. Not really. I don’t even know her.” Justine’s angry accusation slammed through the room. Even Killer quit barking his head off.
Mortification ripped through Anna at her daughter’s rudeness. At the thought that Justine was projecting what she herself had been thinking. She couldn’t just let it go, though.
“Go to your room, Justine.”
Momma didn’t need conflict. Not now. And she hadn’t raised her daughters to go fighting anyone else’s battles.
Justine narrowed her eyes and threw her napkin down on her plate with a huff. “What-ever,” she said, and she started to stomp out of the room, but Cass held out her hand.
“Wait.”
Momentary silence echoed through the kitchen, and Anna clamped down on her tongue to keep from telling her sister to butt out of something that wasn’t her business. Tension sliced through the room.
Finally, Cass continued. “Justine’s right. I don’t know her. Not really. I haven’t been home, but I’m here now. I’m sorry.”
Anna caught the sparkle of tears in her sister’s eyes and wished she could let the hurt and anger go. But it was a lifetime in the making. One I’m sorry wasn’t going to make it go away.
Instead, she settled for playing pretend. She was good at acting. Plus Momma needed them all.
“That’s right, Cass. You are here now.” Anna looked across the room where her oldest daughter stood waiting for judgment, her light tan arms across her tiny chest, chin up in defiance, chocolate eyes burning bright.
Their eyes met, and Anna knew her daughter was only responding to what she’d heard and felt smoldering under the surface ever since the phone call asking Cass to come home. Anna wasn’t going to punish her daughter. Not for the first offense anyway.
“You can stay and eat, but not another word.”
Justine squinched up her nose holding back tears and anger as she came back to the table.
When she passed by, Momma grabbed her wrist in her hand and smiled up at her. It wasn’t that far of a stretch. At seven, Justine stood tall and proud, at eye level with her sitting grandmother. “You’re a good girl, Justine. Don’t let that temper get you in trouble.”
Justine looked down where those soft older fingers held her wrist, and then her little face collapsed, and she threw her arms around her grandmother’s shoulders.
“Oh, Gran. I’m sorry. I just….” And the words dissolved into tears.
Anna’s heart broke as she watched her daughter hold her grandmother tight. Momma would probably go back to bed, and Justine’s tears would just be wasted.
Across the table Delia rolled her eyes in perfect imitation of Justine. “Such a drama queen. Can we eat? I’m funnished.”
“It’s famished, Delia, not funnished.” Justine settled into her chair with a long-suffering sigh. “Funnished isn’t even a word.”
Delia ate a noodle and talked at the same time. “Is so ‘cause I’m it.”
The tension of the moment was broken with a laugh.
Anna knew it would be back. She just wasn’t sure when.
*****
The answer came soon enough.
The girls and Momma were all in bed. Anna sat in Momma’s rocking chair flipping through the channels, and Cass was on her laptop checking e-mail.
Letterman started his Top 10 list, and Anna tried to listen, but it was something stupid about taxicabs and pedestrians, so she really didn’t care. The only cabs she’d ever seen were on TV, and who called people walking pedestrians anyway?
She flipped over to another station, but it was just the news. She tried another, but it was boring, too. PBS was a mix of static and voices.
She flipped back to Dave’s countdown. Number Five. Yawn. PBS. Static. Flip. Commercial. Flip. Number Three.
“Good grief already, Anna. You’ve just got four stations. How many times are you going to flip through them?”
Anna looked across the room where her sister sat, her face illuminated by the computer screen making her look like some sort of perturbed avenging angel. “I don’t know. How long you going to use the information superhighway to avoid talking to me?”
Cass rolled her eyes looking an awful lot like Justine. “I’m not avoiding you, Anna. I’ve just got a lot of work to do.”
Oh she just loved throwing that around didn’t she? Work. Work. Work.
“It’s your summer, Cass. You’re off. Nothing earth shattering’s on that email that can’t wait until tomorrow. No new math equations. No calculator functions you can’t live without.”
Cass sighed, but she closed the computer. “Fine.”
As Cass walked into the living room, Anna noticed she still wore her expensive brown leather slingback high-heeled shoes that matched her creamy linen pants.
Man, she missed high heels. She missed looking good, feeling good, feeling sexy. Feeling like something more than a mother.
She looked down at her mismatched used to be white but now pink—after Justine’d washed them with the free red t-shirt she’d gotten for reading the most books in her class-socks and grinned. Nah. She wouldn’t trade her girls for high heels, that was for sure.
She stuck her middle toe through the hole and waved it at her sister. “My toe says hello to you.”
Cass sighed again, but she smiled. She hadn’t done a whole lot of that since she’d walked through the door.
“Did you get me off the computer to wag your toe at me?” She almost laughed, but didn’t quite make it. “Those socks need to find the trashcan yesterday.”
Anna put her foot back down on the wood floor and asked the question she’d been thinking half the night. “You mad at me?”
Cass didn’t answer right away, and Anna wondered why her sister always had to think things through for so long.
“Why would I be mad at you?”
Anna heard the words, but she saw the face delivering them and knew Cass’s feelings were hurt. “Oh, I don’t know. Justine’s whole I don’t even know her bit and Delia’s Wonder Woman.”
Cass sat forward, wrapped her arms around her knees, picked at the perfect soft pink polish on her thumbnails. “They’re just little girls, Anna. I’m not mad at you, and I’m certainly not mad at them.”
A breath Anna didn’t even realize she’d been holding came whooshing out, and she wondered why she even cared. It didn’t really matter, did it? “Good. That’s good. I just….”
A few seconds ticked by, and she wondered what to finish off with. She just what?
She didn’t even know. She certainly wasn’t going to sit there and say what she was thinking. What she was feeling. “I’m glad you came.” An almost truth. That would do.
Cass nodded, her face a jumble of somethings and nothings all at once. “I needed to.”
“And look. Momma’s already out of bed. You really are a miracle worker.”
”I’m no miracle worker.” Cass kicked one of Killer’s bouncy balls across the living room floor, and the dog whined from his bed behind the couch.
“It’s a start.” A commercial for toilet paper came on just then, the sound ten times louder than the show. Anna flipped the volume down. “I don’t know why they do that. Geez.”
Cass ran her hand through her straight hair. Its highlights sparkled in the light of the television. She probably spent hours every morning getting her hair to lay flat like that.
“So….”
“So….” Cass echoed her.
Man, this was uncomfortable. Painful, really.
“If you’d said well, I could at least say that’s a deep subject.” Cass tried for a little humor.
Anna pretended to laugh. But the sound was weak. Fake.
Finally, she couldn’t stand it anymore. “Okay. Enough. We’re not going to sit here looking at each other saying so and listening to freakin’ toilet paper commercials and countdowns.” One of Delia’s favorite songs ran through her brain. “You’re my sister. I love you. You love me. We’re a great big family.”
Cass just looked at her like she’d totally lost her mind.
Anna laughed. Of course Cass had no idea. She pointed to the DVD sitting on the television. “Barney.”
Cass raised her eyebrows. “Oh. I thought he was just a dancing dinosaur.”
“Nah. He sings too.”
Cass smiled. “Now that’s interesting. Sings and dances. A multi-talented dinosaur.”
Anna laughed, thankful for the lighthearted moment. “Yeah.”
“’Cause you can never have too many talents if you’re a dinosaur.”
Anna watched her sister, surprised. Cass was really getting into this. Lord knows what she’d do if she stuck around long enough to actually see the show. If. Now there was a word Anna was well acquainted with.
“You planning on staying awhile?”
All the lightness in the room fell right back to dark, cold, tinderbox emotions just waiting to explode.
“Can’t we just make jokes about a dinosaur, Anna?”
Anna didn’t have time for jokes. She wasn’t willing to pretend she had any idea how long Cass would stay. “No. I need to know, Cass. Are you staying?”
Cass looked back down at her expensive shoes and slid them across the floor. The sink drip, drip, dripped in the background like a backup singer for the forever flighty sister. The good one. Perfection even now in all that big blue-eyed sadness she couldn’t hide.
What did she even have to be sad about anyway?
Anna wasn’t going to ask because if she said those words she’d scream them, and they might just be so loud the astronauts on the space station would hear them. Mr. and Mrs. Nelson next door definitely would. They’d just love an excuse to call the cops on her. She could see the headlines now.
Convicted child abuser’s ex-wife screams at perfect sister and makes her cry.
At least she didn’t have a job to get fired from this time.
She tamped down the anger. The fear.
And re-asked the question she could instead of the one she didn’t dare.
“Well, are you?”
*****
Cass closed her eyes. She should’ve just kept on reading her e-mail. Why was her sister so mad at her? She could understand hurt. But it wasn’t like they never saw each other. It wasn’t like she didn’t send money and presents and letters. It wasn’t like she hadn’t offered Anna a place to stay on more than one occasion. Shoot, on every occasion she’d needed over the last ten years.
She’d even tried to pay for her sister’s college, but no. No way would hardheaded Anna even think about allowing that.
Instead, she’d spent her time partying, playing, flitting from one guy to the next. From one husband to the next. From one disaster to the next.
Goodness. Delia asked if John was in jail as easily as asking if he was sick or working.
Cass dragged her shoe across the floor taking comfort in the old worn pattern she’d loved to create as a kid.
Right two grooves, left two grooves. Right two. Left two.
Eighty-three vertical slabs of wood made up this section of the floor. She’d counted them time and again over the years. Counting them now helped her calm down. She couldn’t go home. Not yet. Not when home was such a minefield. She almost laughed at that. It was something else when home was a bigger emotional mess than this place with a sister who what…despised? No. Hated? Not right. Distrusted…that was it. A sister who distrusted her and a mother who wouldn’t get out of bed and three little girls thrown into the mix.
A faint memory of John’s safe arms wrapping her tight played in her mind, and if she closed her eyes, she could barely, just barely, smell the spicy scent of his aftershave. And if she focused on that, she could forget the yearning deep in her belly, the tiny fissure in her chest when first Delia and then the baby, the sweet, sweet baby Dani, threw herself into her arms.
Why? Why was life so unfair? God why? And why was she so ridiculously angry with a man who was so giving? It wasn’t his fault.
“Well, are you?” Anna’s voice anchored her in the present, and Cass grabbed onto its anger and its force with all she had, pushing those other thoughts, those empty thoughts, away.
“Yes. Of course I’m staying. Why would I leave when I just got here?”
Anna wasn’t going to let it drop. “Oh, I don’t know. Eighteen years kind of makes you wonder. Besides you’ve got your life in Kansas. I’d understand if you left.”
Her life. She almost laughed. Instead she turned her remorse onto her sister.
“Do you want me to go, Anna? Is that what this is? You call me, demanding I drop everything and come here right away. And now you invite me to pack my bags right up and go on back to Kansas?”
“So much for we’re a great big family.”
“This isn’t a TV show, Anna.”
Anna rolled her eyes the same way Justine had at supper. Cass figured she’d probably stomp back to her room if they weren’t too old for that nonsense.
“I know it’s not a TV show, Cass. I just needed to know if you were staying or going. I needed to figure out…”
Like Anna ever figured out anything first? “Figure out what exactly?”
“It’s not some crazy out of the blue question, Cass. You stayed gone for eighteen years. And yes, we’ve seen you, but you haven’t been here. Here with us. I just needed to know. My kids need to know. Momma needs to know. I’m not going to apologize for asking.”
And with that Anna was done.
Cass could see the words so there or the end tacked on for good measure, and she knew Anna had every right in the world to ask the question.
“I don’t want you to apologize,” Cass said, looking away, awash with guilt for not being here sooner.
Anna sat back in the corner of the couch and crossed her arms over her chest, her bleach blonde hair just as harsh as the rest of her. “Good. I wasn’t going to.”
This could last all night if she let it, so Cass purposefully changed the subject. “I’m glad Momma got up.”
Anna nodded, sinking deeper into the arm of the couch. “Yeah. She just needs something… I guess she just needed you.”
Cass thought about saying faith or God or peace. But the hypocrisy of those words taunted her, so she settled for a different word altogether. “Family,” she said. “She just needs her family. She’ll be okay.”
She always had been before. It was just a spell. The excuse from ages past echoed in Cass’s mind.
Anna clicked the volume on the television up, obviously done with the conversation. “Yeah. She’ll be fine now.”
But she didn’t sound all that convinced. There was nothing they could do about it, so Cass didn’t figure they needed to talk about it.
At least the anger that struck out of nowhere and everywhere all at the same time had sucked back up into whatever black hole it stayed hidden in.
Cass wanted to go back to the computer. To lose herself in mindless e-mails and message boards.
But she needed to talk to her sister. No, she needed her sister completely. Not just words. She needed some of Anna’s determination. Her stubbornness. Her refusal to back down.
On the television a get rich quick infomercial actor told her to call this number now to start on a life of dreams come true.
She wished life were as easy as calling an 800 number.
“You going to call John?”
Cass blinked at how astute her sister was.
“Hmm?” She pretended not to have heard.
“Your husband. The good reverend. You going to call him? It’s getting late.”
As if to accentuate her sister’s words the grandfather clock chimed. Boom. Boom. Boom.
She’d always hated that clock and its dark chimes sounding like the old radio mysteries’ foreshadowing of evil yet to come. All it needed was the high-pitched scream at the end. Maybe some organ chords.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
I can guarantee you’ll see results.
Yachts. Planes. BMWs. Life summed up in one big wad of cash.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
“Hel-lo. Cass.”
Money back if you’re not satisfied.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
Cass blinked as the clock finished its midnight serenade and looked at her sister who was giving her the crazy eye. “It’s an infomercial, Cass.”
It was easier to let Anna really think she was actually paying attention to the TV.
“You’re right. It’s late. I better go call.”
Cass practically ran from the room before Anna asked something else. Before she saw too much.
Grabbing her cell, she punched in the number. She should’ve called earlier. But she’d put it off. Cass, the runner. Avoidance was a mainstay in her life. After three rings John finally picked up.
“Hey there, sweet lady.”
He’d been asleep. She could hear it in the sexy rumble of his deep voice. She closed her eyes and wished for everything—even though it was impossible.
“I just wanted you to know I made it. Sorry I woke you up.”
He laughed, and she envisioned his voice smoothing over all her hurts, all her inadequacies. “You don’t have to be sorry, Cass. How’s Anna?”
Cass ran her hand over the pink and white stripes of the quilt that covered her bed. It matched the wallpaper in her room.
Eighteen years and Momma hadn’t changed it a bit.
“She’s good. A little hard. Still stubborn. The girls are beautiful. Delia’s something else. I don’t think Justine likes me much.” Her voice broke as her throat tightened, and she was surprised by how bad she wanted to cry.
“Justine’s been through tough stuff for a little girl. Give her time, Cass. She’ll see you love her.”
This man was so perfect. So gentle. But she was so tired of sharing him. Or sharing herself. Of pretending. What was wrong with her? She swallowed the grief of question screaming through her mind. She couldn’t compete anymore. Not with the church and the parishioners and his life and, worst of all, his God.
She didn’t say any of that, though. She couldn’t. “The baby’s not so much a baby now.”
“They grow up fast,” he said gently, and she knew what he was thinking. Knew he was hurting, too.
Cass’s heart hurt at the thought. It wasn’t fair. But she’d made her choices, and she had to live with them.
“Momma got up. She ate with us,” she said focusing on the positive. On the thing he’d understand. He’d heard the stories about her mother’s depressed jags, and he’d said on more than one occasion Cass should go to Standridge for a visit.
“You did the right thing then.”
Cass wasn’t so sure she knew what the right thing was anymore.
“It’s late, so I guess I’ll let you go back to bed. Sorry I didn’t call earlier.”
“It’s okay. I told you. I love you, Cass.”
Cass swallowed the hurt that was all balled up in her throat. “I love you, too.”
She clicked the off button on her phone and buried her head in her pillow with its threadbare pillowcase. Hot tears flowed freely. She did love him. She did love him so much. He was so perfect. So wonderful. Just. So. Everything.
And she, she was just so lost.
*****
Man. Cass was totally weirded out about something. You didn’t have to live with someone year round to know that.
Anna clicked the TV off and sat in the dark living room listening to the soft hum of the air conditioner and refrigerator. Waiting.
She didn’t know what for really. Sometimes Dani woke up with soft baby cries that would grow into big baby squalls if she didn’t get there fast enough. Or Delia would need a drink or have to go potty. Or Justine’d just want to lie on the couch and let Anna brush her hair over and over until they both forgot the hell they’d lived through.
The state appointed therapist said Justine would be okay. Kids were resilient. They bounced back from trauma.
That might be true. But Justine’s bounce had been a long way off what she’d been before. Before the hospital. Before Child Protective Services.
She’d bounced straight from five to twenty-five, and she wasn’t looking backwards.
Cass didn’t know.
Somehow they’d kept the full truth from her.
Anna laughed to herself. Somehow nothing.
It was easy. Cass stayed away. And a kid getting beat half to death wasn’t the stuff for national news. Not even when that kid was the biggest hero her mother ever knew.
So Cass was clueless for the most part, and Justine was recovered for the most part. That left her where exactly?
Limbo? On the margin? Apart? Anna didn’t know.
She picked up her worn copy of A Street Car Named Desire and smiled. Ol’ Blanche didn’t know either, did she? Sometimes Anna felt a kindred spirit to the worn out women of American literature. Sometimes she just thought they were quitters. But not ol’ Blanche. She was crazy as a loon, but she was no quitter.
Anna looked at the clock. She could spare a few minutes. And then she had to go to bed and face the nightmares.
Maybe Cass being here would chase the bad dreams away. It’d be a miracle, but then miracles seemed to happen when Cass was around. God smiling on His chosen one.
She’d just keep telling herself she didn’t mind that a bit. Not one little bit.
*****
Cass woke to bright morning sunshine pouring in through yellowed curtains and the distinct smell of coffee and fruit.
She closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into the softness of a pillow she hadn’t slept on since the night she left town so long ago.
Let the past go.
God, it was so much easier to think the words, to even say them, than it was to actually do it.
She’d been trying for years, even fooled herself into believing she’d done it a few times. She’d be happily going along about her business when wham, it’d hit her in that place between her heart and diaphragm that left her breathless and wanting and hurting and knowing. Ugh. Stupid, stupid, stupid. If she could just get back the time she’d wasted on things she couldn’t change.
That mysterious fruit smell needed investigating.
She slipped her feet into her white slippers and wrapped the monogrammed terry robe around her waist then headed down the hall to see what was up.
The hall made her smile. There on the used-to-be-white walls were the photos of her life. First through twelfth, both her and Anna. And two of Justine. Kindergarten and second grade. She wondered where on earth first was. Momma never missed a picture.
On the other side, photos through the ages of Momma, Anna and Cass. Playing. Singing. Laughing. And then photos of Anna, Justine, Delia and Dani. Same thing only years later. And then there were the photos of Cass and John. The wedding, where they looked so much in love. Of their fifth anniversary, young and hopeful. Tenth in Hawaii surrounded by water so blue it hurt to look at. Fifteenth. John’s laugh lines just starting to show. Goodness, she loved those lines.
But she didn’t much love her lines. The worry ones on her forehead. The ones she’d just found on her neck, hands, and wrists. The ones caused by years of guilt.
Blah. She shook her head. She was not going to stand in this hallway filling her mind with more regrets.
She walked on down the hall and found Justine holding Dani in the rocking chair and Delia looking like she’d just won a double showcase on Price is Right. Some cartoon she’d never seen played on the television no one was watching.
“See, Justine. I told you Auntie Cass was in the hallway,” Delia chanted.
Good ol’ Justine rolled her eyes just like her momma. “Goody. For. You. We’ll just have to call you Encyclopedia Brown.”
Delia launched herself into Cass’s arms while Killer set out attacking Cass’s big toe.
“Good morning, Auntie,” Delia said. “Your robe is pretty and you smell good. Why’d you stay in the hallway so long? There’s nothin’ there but a bunch a’ silly pictures. They ain’t going nowhere.”
How right she was. Cass hugged her tight and smiled at the truth in innocence. Delia was an angel.
“Good morning to you, too.”
She looked across to Justine. “You having fun with the baby?”
Justine stared at her for a few seconds as if she weren’t quite sure how to answer and was measuring her words one by one to make sure they fit.
“Momma made breakfast and is down at the 7-Eleven interviewing for a job. I let you sleep in ‘cause she said to. But if there was a problem, I would’ve woken you up.”
Oh, there it was. Justine thought she’d have a problem with Anna leaving the baby for a little bit.
“Of course you would’ve. I wasn’t worried about that at all.” She wondered why Anna hadn’t told her about the job interview. “Your momma tells me you’re on the straight-A honor roll.”
Justine shrugged. “School’s easy. And it’s out in two weeks anyway.”
“I’m going to school next year, Auntie.” Delia beamed as she tugged on Cass’s robe to get her attention.
“Pre-K.” Justine pointed out with obvious derision.
“Only cause my birthday’s late. Momma said.”
Okay. This was going to disintegrate into a sister fight, and she had enough of that with Anna.
“Speaking of Momma’s, has Gran been up this morning?” Cass asked.
Both girls frowned. “Gran doesn’t get up ‘til later. Come eat.” Delia jumped up and tugged her hand.
Cass pretended to be dragged into the kitchen by the little girl. “We’re going to have to enter you in the World Wrestling Federation, Delia.”
That got a smile out of Justine.
“I’m super strong cause I drink my milk,” Delia made a muscle, “but Justine’s stronger. Momma calls her a hero all the time.”
Cass looked at the young girl sitting in the rocking chair playing Peek-A-Boo with her baby sister. Yep. She just bet Anna called Justine a hero. Looked like the little girl did an awful lot of the babysitting.
Cass turned back to the kitchen where Delia was unlocking the secret to the fruit smell. “Momma made you some rhubarb syrup, Auntie. She said it’s your favorite.” She pointed to the small pan on the back burner of the stove. “And there’s Eggo’s in the freezer. Momma usually makes homemade, but she had to go get another job today. Plus the Angel Network people give us Eggo’s. And then me and Justine can play ‘hey, who stole my Eggo’.” Her niece lowered her voice to bass as she said the words and then doubled over with laughter.
“And I always lose to Justine. Except one time, the toaster broke and Justine had to dig the Eggo out with a fork and it landed on the floor and Killer ate it and had to stay outside ‘cause he kept fartin’. That’s the day before Gran went to bed and wouldn’t get up. Momma said it was because the toaster broke the floodgates of hell, whatever those are. But we bought a new one at a garage sale, and she still didn’t get up ‘til you came home. I guess those floodgates are fixed now and that’s a good thing ‘cause Momma sure needs a job. I love you, Auntie.”
Cass tried to hide the rollercoaster of emotions Delia’s words brought on. The little girl could sure zing her from laughter to heartache without warning.
Justine must’ve thought so too. “You talk too much, Delia.”
Delia shook her head. “Do not. You don’t talk enough. That’s what your teacher said. I heard him.” Delia lifted her head up and lowered her voice again. “Justine’s grades are wonderful, but she still never talks to her classmates. She’d rather go to the libary than recess and I’m reclined to allow that.”
“Shut up, Delia. And it’s inclined, not reclined. Reclined is what you do in a chair like at the dentist.”
“What-ever.”
Here they went again. “Libraries are fun,” Cass said, trying to stop the argument. She didn’t know what else to say.
“Libaries are stinky.” Delia said wrinkling her nose.
Justine carried the baby on her hip into the kitchen and gave a long-suffering sigh as she rolled her eyes. “Libraries smell like books and ink and paper. They don’t stink, Delia.”
And then she shoved the baby out to Cass without even asking. “Here. You take Dani, and I’ll make you breakfast.”
Cass didn’t hesitate even though she wanted to. This was the first nice thing Justine’d done for her. And even though the baby would probably be just as happy playing in the living room, Cass wasn’t going to chance alienating Justine further.
She held Dani up close, and the baby patted her shoulder with a chubby fist. Cass brushed her hand over the little girl’s silky fine baby hair and planted a kiss on top of her head. “Morning, Sunshine.”
“Morn. Love you.” The little girl let her hold her close for all of three seconds and then started wiggling to get free.
“She’s not Sunshine. She’s Dani.” Delia grabbed a fork for her while Justine popped the Eggo in the toaster.
When Delia’s face exploded in a smile, Cass knew before she looked what had happened.
All three girls welcomed their grandmother in their own ways.
Delia ran across the room singing “Good morning, Gran,” and wrapped her arms around her legs.
Justine grabbed the tub of margarine out of the fridge and beamed as she spoke. “Mornin’, Gran. I’ll make you some Eggo’s, too.”
The baby quit her wiggling and held out her hands with a beseeching cry of “Gan. Gan.”
Cass walked over to the rocking chair. “Here Momma, you sit.” Once her mother was seated, Cass handed her the baby and then kissed her mother good morning. As she did she saw the light blue veins on her mother’s face. The dark spots on her hands as she held the baby. The way she trembled, just barely, but enough. Her skin was way too white.
“Hey Momma. Maybe you can sit outside in a little while before it gets too hot.”
“We’ll see. Come give me a hug, Hon.”
Cass leaned down and hugged her mother carefully.
Her momma hugged her back, and Cass wondered again at the demons that tormented this strong woman’s soul.
Justine dropped a plate of Eggo’s on the table with a thunk, and Cass caught her frown before she turned back to the toaster. “Your breakfast is ready, Aunt Cass.”
What happened? Why in the world would Justine be upset now? Oh well. John was right. This was going to take baby steps.
Cass poured herself a cup of coffee and added some milk and sugar then sat down at the table and dug in. Oh man, she loved rhubarb syrup. “Yum. Justine this is wonderful.”
Justine shrugged. “It’s just Eggo’s.”
But Cass saw the tiny bit of pride on the little girl’s face. Baby steps. Baby steps. “I like your shirt. What’s it for?”
From her smile, Cass figured she’d chosen the right words.
Justine grabbed one of the tea rose plates out of the cabinet and set it down in front of the toaster. “I read the most books in my class last year, so I won the t-shirt. I won a trip to Hurricane Harbor too, but I didn’t go.”
Cass sipped her coffee and thought carefully before taking the conversation further. She didn’t want to embarrass Justine. She might have won the trip, but it still cost money to go to places like the Dallas area water park. Money Anna definitely didn’t have and would’ve never asked her sister for.
Finally, Cass decided to let it go. Instead, she focused on the shirt. “I love the rabbit and turtle. Do you know that story?”
Justine’s smile blossomed and Cass’s heart caught. The girl was amazingly beautiful with her light brown skin and full lips and deep brown eyes that seemed to see everything. “Momma got me the Aesop’s Fables book last year for Christmas. That and Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I like the fables okay ‘cause they’re important about life. But I love fairy tales even though they’re make believe. Momma said she used to love them. Her favorite was Sleeping Beauty. She says Maleficent is one of the best evil villains ever. I love Snow White because of the Seven Dwarfs and Prince Charming. But Momma says not to set my sights on Prince Charming. She says I need to make my own way in the world, and I don’t need Prince Charming to come to my rescue. But then she says there’s nothing wrong with fairy tales, and I’m glad because I love them.”
Whew. When the girl opened up, she opened up big time.
The Eggo’s popped up and Momma sat at the table next to her after putting Dani down with a baby doll and one of those push toy popcorn vacuum cleaners. Delia grabbed the doll and started telling it all about Cinderella’s Fairy Grandmother, and Cass laughed.
“Remember how that was your favorite?” Momma’s voice sounded almost scratchy. Cass hoped she wasn’t getting sick.
Did she remember? Justine put the Eggo’s and a glass of milk on the table in front of Gran and then brought over a glass of milk for herself before sitting next to Cass.
“I used to read you Cinderella every night because you loved it best. You knew all the words by heart.” Cass smiled thinking she probably still knew all the words.
Justine leaned forward. “Momma says she likes Cinderella, too, because there are so many different versions.”
In the living room, Delia was singing Cinderelly, Cinderelly just like the mice on the Disney movie, and Dani was pushing around the popcorn vacuum.
The perfect moment. Everyone happy. Justine laughing even. Momma smiling. Rhubarb syrup and give-away Eggos.
The only thing missing was Anna. Anna. The sister who loved Sleeping Beauty because of the villain. Who warned her seven-year-old daughter about the dangers of believing in Prince Charming. Who knew there were different versions of Cinderella. Whose beat up copy of A Streetcar Named Desire was sitting on the table next to the rocking chair. Who was at the 7-Eleven applying for a job. What a waste.
*****
Anna opened the door and groaned. Dani was playing with that horrible, tortuous vacuum cleaner that always gave her a headache. Cass must’ve dragged it out. Only a parentless person and kids enjoyed that sound.
She dropped her purse in the front closet and looked in the mirror to make sure no one could see the tear marks on her face.
The last thing Justine needed was to see her crying. The last thing she needed was more of Cass’s pity.
Biting her lips to give them a little color, she exhaled, forcing out all the heartache of yet another lost chance at making ends meet, at buying mascara at The Dollar General or birthday presents and Christmas presents and maybe even a little something from the Tooth Fairy for Justine.
Her girls deserved something special.
The girls usually met her at the door but not this time. Not when Cass was here.
Oh get over yourself, Anna. You need Cass. You called her. She’s here.
But when she walked into the living room and saw everyone smiling and Justine even laughing, which somber ol’ Justine never did these days, it took sheer force of will to keep the smile on her face.
“Hey y’all.” Anna bent down and picked Dani up, gave her quick kiss, tossed the blasted vacuum cleaner behind the couch and replaced it with the lawnmower that didn’t make noise. “Whatcha’ doing?”
Justine jumped up like she’d been caught breaking every one of the Ten Commandments, all laughter erased.
“Here, Momma. You sit and I’ll get you some coffee.”
Anna’s heart hurt for a million different reasons, not the least of which was how good Cass looked with her hair pulled back, in that fancy robe, sitting at the table next to their bedraggled momma.
She was going to have to tell Cass about the pills she’d found in Momma’s nightstand right before she made the phone call.
“Don’t be silly, Justine. You sit. I’ll get my own coffee.”
“Did you get the job, Momma? Did you?” Delia’s excitement filled voice proved she hadn’t yet had all the hope sucked out of her. Anna had Justine to thank for that. Now for a dose of reality.
“Nah. They already filled it. Ethel from the grocery store got it.”
“Ew. Ethel smells like mothballs and licorice. And her teeth are so yellow they’re almost brown. Especially that one in front. Why’d they go and hire her instead of you? You smell like daisies and Dawn dish soap, Momma. I bet they needed ol’ gross Ethel at the 7-Eleven to cover up that stinky gas-o-line.”
Anna hugged her daughter tight. “I bet you’re one hundred percent right.”
She sidestepped Delia’s make-believe tea party and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a coffee cup, filling it before sitting across from her daughter, sister and mother all three of whom knew gasoline had nothing to do with why she didn’t get the job.
Thankfully, Cass didn’t know the real answer. But Justine did and it was apparent in the worry lines on her forehead and the frown that was her almost constant companion.
“I’m sorry, Momma.” Justine’s small fingers slid back and forth across the table as if she wanted to maybe give her a hug but wasn’t quite sure if she should.
Cass was looking into her cream colored coffee as if she were pondering world peace.
But Momma, oh Momma. Anna’s heart hurt at the hope, at the admiration, at the belief she saw in Momma’s eyes. It’d been so long since she’d seen anything other than emptiness.
Momma reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “You didn’t get the job because you weren’t supposed to, Anna. God knows what He’s doing.”
God.
God.
God.
Anna bit her tongue to keep from lashing out. To keep from laughing like some sort of maniac. If God knew what He was doing He sure had a messed up way of showing it.
If He even existed, He’d checked out of her life a long time ago. Momma could believe in God all she wanted. But then Momma had just spent the last few weeks in bed not believing in much more than the OxyContin she kept hidden in her bedside table right on top of her Holy Bible. How was that for irony? Death leading to eternal life.
And Cass could believe in God all she wanted. It was easy to believe when life handed you nothing but sunshine and roses and a good man.
And Justine. Sweet, sweet Justine. Somehow Anna thought Justine still believed in God. She didn’t know how. Not with those scars covering her back.
Somehow Justine hadn’t lost faith. And right now Anna didn’t figure that was a bad thing. Faith could be like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Something to keep you young before life reached up and smacked you a few times too many.
And maybe, just maybe, if there is a God out there somewhere, please, Justine would be blessed like Cass and she’d never lose that faith, that belief, that certainty. Some man better not hurt her baby again or next time Anna knew, she would kill him.
Anna sipped her coffee, her hands shaking while she swallowed the anger, hurt, disillusionment, fear and jealousy.
And then she forced a laugh because sometimes that’s what a girl had to do.
Only the sound came out harsh and brittle and Justine jumped, nearly knocking over her chair, and Anna knew she’d done that to her baby girl. She’d made her afraid of the sound of heartache, of broken dreams.
For a second she couldn’t breathe. The scent of moth balls and licorice filled her nose, and she could see Ethel with her ol’ fake red hair bigger than Dallas and her too tight shirt and her too small Levi’s looking at her like she was scum of the earth for letting her baby nearly get killed.
Outside an ambulance drove by—its bleating siren crashing around in her memories, breaking every bit of her resolve to tough this out.
She jumped from the table. “I’ll be back. I need to clear my head.”
And then she was out the door.
*****
She needed to clear her head? Was her sister crazy? Cass still wasn’t sure what had just happened. But Anna’d been running away on long walks to clear her head for a long time. It didn’t seem to do much good.
Dani was crying and Delia was biting her bottom lip and Justine’s white face had nearly crumbled when her momma had taken off out the door.
For a moment no one at the table moved and then Justine jumped up looking too much like a pint sized version of her reckless mother. “I’m gonna go with her.”
And then she was gone too and Cass started to chase them both, but her momma stopped her with a surprising vise-like grip around her wrist.
“You let them go on. They’ve got things to work out. And sometimes, Cass, a girl needs her momma and a momma needs her girl.”
The words sliced through Cass, reminding her of all she’d never have, but then she realized the words played two ways. She needed her momma so bad. Had for years, even though she’d avoided the truth.
“I’m glad I’m home, Momma.”
Her mother let her wrist go with a soothing pat. “We’re glad you’re home too, Cass. Why don’t you get Dani, and we’ll all go outside a while?”
A few minutes later they were sitting outside on the porch swing. Delia hung upside down from the monkey bars over hard dirt where grass had been worn away by hours of playing. Dani clapped as she waddled after Killer.
And Momma just watched and waited, seeing so much it nearly killed Cass. She wanted to open up. To say the words. To just say, I’m broken inside, Momma. I don’t want to be broken anymore. Instead, she avoided her mother’s all-seeing eyes.
“I’m worried about Anna, Momma.”
Her mother looked out over the backyard fence, seeing something worth focusing on, but Cass wasn’t sure what since all that was there was the top of a yellow shed in the neighbor’s backyard.
“You don’t need to worry about her, Hon. She’s a survivor. A fighter. Life’s handed her a ton of hurts, but none have broken her. I don’t figure a rejection from the 7-Eleven’s going to change that.” She waved her hand as she leaned forward and reprimanded the baby. “Dani, don’t pick that, it’ll hurt.”
Cass turned and sure enough Dani stood next to a rose bush turning her head to look at it, then them, then it again. The thorns were there, but the flower was pretty. Cass could see the temptation clearly on the little girl’s face.
She started to get up from the swing, but her mother stopped her. “Let her decide. She makes the wrong choice and it’ll hurt, but it won’t kill her.”
Classic Parenting 101. Momma’d always done that. Told them the rules and then let them decide whether or not to follow them. Making sure they knew the truth about actions and consequences. The thought pricked her heart. Cass knew all about consequences. She just wasn’t sure she was ready to face the ones that would result if she left John for good.
A butterfly flew by Dani, and she giggled as she took off after it instead of grabbing the flower. Temptation averted.
Cass let out the breath she was holding and relaxed against the seat now that she knew Dani was safe for the short term.
“Tell me about John.”
Cass’s breath caught again, and she turned toward her mother. Played with idea of pretending she didn’t understand the words. “What?”
Momma wasn’t having any part of it.
“Your husband. Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”
*****
“Momma. Momma.”
Anna stopped by the Snowden’s mailbox and tried not to hear the heartbreak in her little girl’s voice. Tried not to remember another time Justine had called those words out to her over and over.
But the memory came bombarding back with all the ferocity of a tsunami. Shattering. Ugly. Leaving desolation and scars that would reverberate through both their minds forever.
The Children’s Protective Service caseworker was young. New at the job judging by the horror on her face as she looked at Anna’s skin and boney body hidden underneath a hospital gown. The police officers and lawyers who weren’t young at all didn’t care, not really.
Whoever called black eyes black didn’t know what they were talking about. They were red and purple and green and left your eyes so swollen you could barely see.
But you did your best to look the person across from you in the eye. Did your best to hold back the words you wanted to say because these people who didn’t even know you were talking about taking your babies away, throwing around words like supervised visitation and foster care.
The helplessness of knowing nothing you said or did would make a difference because you could see in that young woman’s eyes she’d already made up her mind. And you could see in that cop’s eyes that maybe you deserved what you’d gotten for letting that bastard do what he did to your little girl.
A little girl who’d been screaming for you no telling how long when you’d woken up and realized the blood between your legs meant you were going to lose the baby.
The fury as you heard the strap screaming through the air and his vile curses and there it was. Momma. Momma.
Those days were over. She wasn’t going to think about them anymore. She couldn’t if she wanted to keep her sanity.
“I’m so sorry, Momma.” Justine threw herself into Anna’s arms and held on tight, her tears falling on Anna’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you didn’t get the job. I’m sorry you’re so sad.”
Anna brushed her hand down Justine’s long dark hair and then stepped back. “Oh, Honey. Sad’s just a part of life sometimes. It makes us stronger if we let it.”
Okay, so that was pushing the Chicken Soup line a little too far, but Anna didn’t want Justine crying over 7-Eleven. And she didn’t want Old Lady Greeley who was outside watering her red and white gardenias with her cell phone tucked in the pocket of her Kiss the Cook apron calling the rest of the neighbors to tell them how Justine was chasing her down the street crying.
“You want to walk with me a little bit?”
Justine nodded and put her little hand in Anna’s. Completely trusting. Loving. One hundred percent hers.
One hundred percent safe because her momma had taken care of business.