“Anne is going to shoot you down in flames,” said Ben.
I shook my head and kept moving. No way was I getting sucked any further into that discussion.
I caught Jimmy out of the corner of my eye, dressed in his usual all black, leaning against the counter. If I didn’t look at him directly maybe I could still get out of this with the one small, unbroken piece still intact. First things first, coffee. I headed for the pot, filling a mug to the brim. Forget sugar and milk, someone needed to pump caffeine directly into my bloodstream before anyone got hurt.
“Dave, get your fucking boots off the table,” Jimmy grouched.
“You’re a god damn delight today, Jim,” said David. “Something happen to warrant the good mood?”
His brother didn’t reply.
I sucked down some coffee, burning my tongue. No matter, it was a small pain, nothing really.
“I need that shit on the interview ready and the plans for the first leg of the tour, Lena. Now.” Jimmy dumped his empty mug in the sink good and hard. I’m surprised it didn’t break. “Try to be up on time and ready for work in future, yeah?”
Slowly, I turned to face him, coffee still in hand.
He stared straight at me. “No more fucking around. Right, Lena?”
My cup started to shake. His message was pertinent on oh so many levels. So this was it, can’t say it was unexpected. It almost came as a relief really, airing our grievances, casting it all out into the world. He might have waited until I no longer had his semen inside of me, just for politeness sake, though.
“Right,” I agreed, my voice flat, strange. I didn’t sound like myself at all.
Shadows lay beneath his cold pale eyes and the cut of his mouth and cheeks seemed harder, harsher than normal. I’d only gotten a little sleep, but it seemed Jimmy had gotten none at all. Every sharp line of him seemed wired, on edge.
All talk around the table stopped. Even Mal climbed down from his chair.
“You need a date for your sister’s wedding you’ll have to find someone else. I’m flying down to L.A. to see Liv.” His hands gripped the counter behind him, the muscles in his arms flexing. “I’ll be busy.”
I nodded. My tear ducts were gearing up for something big, I could feel it.
“And when you get back, start looking for your own place.”
I gasped, my stomach contracting. It actually felt like I’d been kicked and he’d caught a rib or two. So much hurt, inside and out. Foolish of me really, this messy ending had been written from the start. You didn’t just fall out of love with a man like Jimmy Ferris.
“Don’t need you in my face all the damn time,” he said. “You work nine to five until we go on tour then as needed. Got it?”
David slowly stood. “Jim …”
“Stay out of it. This is between me and her.” He turned back to me, his lips thinning in obvious hostility. “Understood, Lena?”
Ben cursed quietly.
“Understood. Will there be anything else, Mr. Ferris?” I asked, setting my coffee cup aside before I dropped it.
His voice cut through me like a sword. “None of your cute shit. We’re strictly business. I don’t want your opinion and I sure as fuck don’t need your advice.”
My throat was dust.
“You do your job from now on and that’s it.”
“Jimmy.” David thumped his hands on the table. The one where Jimmy and I had made love. Fucked. Whatever.
“Stop this,” said David, face lined with fury. “Don’t talk to her like that.”
“She is not your concern, Dave. She never was.”
I stood there numb, but knowing what I had to do. “Fire me.”
“What?”
Every eye in the room was on me, but I only looked at him. He’d wanted an audience and he’d gotten one. Fucked if I’d play into it any further. People would think what they liked and there was nothing I could do about it, he’d been right about that. We’d gone into freefall when I told him I loved him. It was time to hit the ground.
“Fire me,” I said. “That’s how this ends.”
Jimmy’s nostrils flared.
“That’s how this was always going to end.”
Fury flashed in his eyes.
“Go on.”
“That’s not what you want,” he said, a shadow of doubt crossing his face for the first time.
“I can’t have what I want, Jimmy. I never could. All you have to do is fire me and I’ll go away. You won’t ever have to think about it ever again. It’ll be like it never happened. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
Whoever said love and hate were the same knew what they were talking about. Because the way Jimmy was looking at me would have burned a lesser woman to the ground. Last night he’d loved me, or my body at least. Now, there should have only been ashes where I stood.
“I go away and everything’s easy again, uncomplicated,” I said. “You can go back to hiding from the world. I won’t be here to stop you.”
“Shut up.”
“Fire me, Jimmy.” My smile must have looked every bit as bitter as it tasted. “Send me away.”
Someone said something but it passed right by me, unheard. There was only me and him.
“You know you want to,” I said. “It’d be so much simpler if I wasn’t here.”
“Shut the fuck up, Lena.”
“Go on,” I urged, leaning forward. “No time like the present, right? Do it.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw line.
“DO IT.”
His chin jerked.
Done.
The breath rushed out of me and I shut my eyes tight. Tears escaped anyway, the cunning bastards. Talk about fucking drama. Enough.
“You promised you wouldn’t relapse if I left. I’m holding you to that,” I said, my voice cracking, the words coming so much harder now.
Another nod.
“Hang on,” said Mal, rushing over. “Jim, man. C’mon, this is Lena. You can’t fire her!”
“Lena, wait.” David reached out a hand.
“It’s okay,” I said, wiping my face, forcing my way past the band.
I didn’t want to see the others but of course my gaze went there, taking in the whole of the ugly pathetic scene. Plenty of shell-shocked faces and one vaguely embarrassed glance on Dean’s part. Not like it really mattered, I’d never see any of them ever again. This part of my life was over.
An argument started up behind in the kitchen, numerous voices raised in anger and dismay. I didn’t slow down, didn’t turn back.
There’s probably a lot of things I could say about the nature of love. Exactly what I did or didn’t mean to Jimmy would never be known, perhaps not even to himself. Love was truly one of life’s mysteries. That it could fuck you five ways to Sunday and still remain so utterly perplexing and unknown was kind of impressive. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Right then, I was looking at the long lonely road home. My childhood home, that is. The home I’d shared with him was gone.
Tears flowed faster and I let them fall unchecked.
Some things were meant to be felt to their fullest. Get it out, get it over with, and all the rest.
I liked to think he’d miss me, but the truth was, he’d be fine once I was gone. There’d be someone else to step into my shoes, someone to answer his emails and keep him sorted. Chances were, they’d do a better job than I ever had.
The end.
*
A massive white satin bow sat in pride of place on the front door. Christ, Alyce and her look-at-me bullshit. This wedding had clearly taken on gargantuan proportions in my absence. Maybe I should have holed up in a hotel room until all of this had blown over.
No. That was quitters talk.
I was made of tougher stuff.
After all, I’d already walked away from one life-altering, heart-shattering situation this week. To make it through my sister and ex’s wedding would be no biggie. Eardrum piercing, girly squeals of glee could be heard coming from inside. It was the night before her nuptials, I guess she had all of her remaining three bridesmaids over. Britney Spears music suddenly pumped out, loud and proud.
Yeah, no, okay, I couldn’t do it.