The night she died, we met at the cottage, as we had before. I lost myself. She wanted so much for me to get to the truth, she said it would release me from myself, from a life I didn’t want. But she was thinking of herself, too, of the things she had discovered and what it would mean for her, her work, her life, her place. That, more than anything: her place was no longer a suicide spot. It was a place to get rid of troublesome women.
We walked back towards the town together. We’d done it often before – since my father had discovered us at the cottage, I no longer parked the car outside, I left it in town instead. She was dizzy with drink and sex and renewed purpose. You need to remember it, she told me. You need to stand there and look at it and remember it, Sean. The way it happened. Now. At night.
It was raining, I told her. When she died, it was raining. It wasn’t clear like tonight. We should wait for the rain.
She didn’t want to wait.
We stood at the top of the cliff looking down. I didn’t see it from here, Nel, I said. I wasn’t here. I was in the trees below, I couldn’t see anything. She was on the edge of the cliff, her back to me.
Did she cry out? she asked me. When she fell, did you hear anything?
I closed my eyes and I saw her in the car, reaching out for me, and I wanted to get away from her. I shrank back, but she kept coming at me and I tried to push her away. With my hands in the small of Nel’s back, I pushed her away.
Acknowledgements
The source of this particular river is not all that easy to find, but my first thanks must go to Lizzy Kremer and Harriet Moore, providers of strange ideas and strong opinions, challenging reading lists and inexhaustible support.
Finding the source was one thing, following the river’s course quite another: thank you to my exceptional editors, Sarah Adams and Sarah McGrath, for helping me find my way. Thank you also to Frankie Gray, Kate Samano and Danya Kukafka for all their editorial support.
Thank you to Alison Barrow, without whose friendship and advice I might never have made it through the past couple of years.
For their support and encouragement, reading recommendations and brilliant ideas, thank you to Simon Lipskar, Larry Finlay, Geoff Kloske, Kristin Cochrane, Amy Black, Bill Scott-Kerr, Liz Hohenadel, Jynne Martin, Tracey Turriff, Kate Stark, Lydia Hirt and Mary Stone.
For their striking and beautiful jacket designs, thank you to Richard Ogle, Jaya Miceli and Helen Yentus.
Thank you to Alice Howe, Emma Jamison, Emily Randle, Camilla Dubini and Margaux Vialleron for all their work to ensure this book can be read in dozens of different languages.
Thank you to Markus Dohle, Madeleine McIntosh and Tom Weldon.
For professional insights, thank you to James Ellson, formerly of Greater Manchester Police, and Professor Sharon Cowan of the Edinburgh Law School – needless to say that any legal or procedural errors are entirely of my own making.
Thanks to the Rooke sisters of Windsor Close for a lifetime of friendship and inspiration.
Thanks to Mr Rigsby for all his advice and constructive criticism.
Thank you to Ben Maiden for keeping me grounded.
Thank you to my parents, Glynne and Tony, and to my brother Richard.
Thank you to each and every one of my long-suffering friends.
And thank you to Simon Davis, for everything.