His jaw ticks and his lips twitch. Ryan doesn’t like to show happiness or his gentle side if we’re not making love. He has this sick thing about happiness and weakness. I guess he figures if people know he’s happy, then they’ll see him as weak. In some demented way I can almost understand it. If his enemies know what matters most to him, they’ll use it against him. I don’t want that, and I need to be able to offer him some kind of peace of mind. He’s given me so much, and the least I can do is figure out how to defend myself so he can relax a little bit.
“You’re a fucking pain in my ass. Grab your jacket and get your ass in the van. You don’t ever fucking talk about what you’re going to see, and this is never—I repeat never—happening again.” He leaves the room immediately. As he passes the kitchen, he shouts, “Taking Cub to Duke’s on my way out.”
Chapter 3
I do as I’m told and grab the leather jacket he got me for Christmas, slip it on, and head down the hallway. There’s a pot of stew cooking on the range. I guess Mom started dinner early and enchiladas wouldn’t have happened anyway. The rich scent of beef and vegetables fills the air, enticing me to check it out before we leave. But I can’t waste time, because Ryan’s the kind of guy who doesn’t give warnings. He’ll just leave me behind if I’m not where I say I’ll be, especially if his brothers are waiting on his arrival.
“Mom?” Sometimes it still sounds foreign to my own ears—hearing me call Ruby “Mom.” But it’s who she is to me even if she didn’t raise me. At the same time, I refuse to let my relationship with Ruby take away from who Esmerelda was to me, so I fight hard to remember the mother who cared for me when I was young, even though I have some lingering resentment toward her.
“In here,” Mom calls from the other end of the house. Briskly, I head down the other hallway and into her bedroom where, sure enough, she’s perched on a step ladder and pulling down small boxes from the top of her closet. She’s already got a hefty pile on her bed. She smiles, climbs down, and sets the box on top of the others. “Ian’s birthday is coming up. I want to get out some pictures of him when he was a kid to embarrass him with.”
“You think the guys are going to care how dorky he looked back then?” I ask. I’ve not seen too many photos of Ian as a kid. It’s still a little painful to see proof of this entire life my mother and brother had without me. It’s probably something akin to what she goes through when she hears about my childhood. It’s like being robbed, I suppose.
“No, but I finally have enough friends to giggle over my sweet boy’s photos with,” she says. “You have no idea how hard it is to have female friends with how these assholes fuck up their relationships. It’s not like I can make friends with just anybody. Too many secrets.”
“I so get that. If you need any help, let me know. Ryan’s going to drop me off at Nic’s on his way out. I’ll be back in time for stew.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but I quickly turn and rush out the door. Mom is chatty, and I don’t have time for all that.
I barely beat Ryan to the van and climb into the passenger’s seat. He opens the back door and tosses in a few black duffle tags he had slung over his shoulder. They make a loud thunk on the steel floor, reminding me of the trip out here from New York when everything was so new and scary. It’s still scary but not quite so new anymore. That trip was the one and only time I’d been inside this van. I honestly haven’t missed it. When Ryan climbs into the driver’s seat, he says nothing and starts her up. The drive to Nic’s house is too short to get into any real conversation about what we’re doing—because I’m fairly certain that Ryan isn’t actually dropping me off there—but long enough that it gets awkward sitting in silence with the person I’m closest to in the entire world.
But then Duke strides out of his house before we even come to a complete stop. I sit awkwardly in the passenger seat until Ryan puts the van in park and climbs into the back. I follow his lead and move to sit next to him. Duke sits himself in the passenger seat, confusing me. Then the driver’s door swings open, and Jeremy climbs in. Okay, so Ryan hasn’t told me to get out of the van and go inside. And now Duke and Jeremy are here, and I’m so uncomfortable that I can barely breathe. Duke turns back toward us, and his eyes slide over my frame.
“What the fuck man?” he says. My nerves get the best of me, and I look first down and then anywhere but at Duke. I shouldn’t be here, but I fought like hell to get here, so despite it all, I’m staying.
“Don’t start. Cub wants to know what we do, so she’s about to find out.”
“Uh,” Jeremy says. He turns to Duke and tries not to look my direction. He fails twice. “Is this gonna cost me my top rocker?”
“Fuck if I know,” Duke says. “Just drive.” And he does.