‘Good job I put a bib on you, missy,’ I said, scooping her up in a ball of ivory taffeta. ‘We can’t have you dribbling down your dress, can we?’
‘Are you sure she wouldn’t be more comfortable in a Gap all-in-one?’ Adam asked, as he struggled to get her and her oversized gown into the car seat.
I tutted and pushed his fumbling hand out of the way. ‘There it is,’ I laughed as I burrowed deep into the fabric to retrieve a strap. ‘Now, where’s the other one?’
‘We should have got her a Cinderella carriage,’ he joked. ‘She’d look right at home in that.’
I didn’t want to jinx it, but it finally felt like we were getting our old rapport back, on the way to becoming the couple we had once been. I couldn’t wait to get to the church to show the doubters that we’d made it. Show them that, despite everything they’d tried to throw at us, we’d still survived. I don’t know why I think of it as them when in reality it’s only her, but sometimes it just feels like the whole world’s against me, and I struggle to keep things in perspective. But not today, because I’ve got what she wants. I’ve won.
We greeted our guests as they filed through the church gate, me happily batting away Adam’s rugby mates’ jibes about my resemblance to a bumble bee. I saw James and Kate get out of their car, just up the lane, and busied myself with over-exaggerated hellos. I fussed over my cousin Fran’s young boy, and bent down, with Poppy in my arms, to introduce her to another baby in a buggy. Anything to take my mind off the impending arrival of the Banks clan. Without even realizing, I’d turned my back, but I could hear people behind me saying hello and asking Pammie how she was feeling.
I coughed to clear the lump in my throat and started counting down from ten in my head, to give me time to put my face on before I turned around. Just pretend everything’s normal, I said to myself. You can do this.
‘Good to see you, Pamela,’ I said, spinning round, already on full offensive. ‘You look—’
I sucked the word ‘well’ back in. What I was greeted with stopped me in my tracks, rendering me speechless. Pammie was completely bald, her eyebrows were missing, and her face was bloated. I was paralysed with shock. I needed to say something, anything, as the three of them stood there waiting, but I just couldn’t put the words together.
‘Hi, Em,’ said James, leaning in to kiss me. ‘It’s been a while. You okay?’ It wasn’t a question that warranted answering.
‘Em,’ Kate cried. ‘You look gorgeous, and Poppy – wow!’
I stuttered a response. Pammie and I stood there for a split second, sizing each other up, neither of us sure how to react. We somehow met in the middle, our limbs colliding awkwardly. She pulled me towards her and held me. ‘It’s lovely to see you,’ she whispered hoarsely. ‘You look beautiful.’
My breath caught in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. I don’t know what it was. I was just struck by her words, not what she said, but the way she said it. For the first time, I could almost hear a sincerity in her voice, as if she really meant it. But perhaps I was allowing her appearance to play with my mind. I fixed a smile on and searched desperately for Adam. I needed him with me.
‘If you’ll excuse me,’ I said, extricating myself and Poppy. I headed in Adam’s direction, but Mum caught my hand as I passed by.
‘Is that Pammie?’ she asked, confused.
I nodded numbly.
‘But how . . .’
I shook my head. ‘I really don’t know,’ was the best I could offer. ‘Can you just take Poppy for a minute?’
‘Of course,’ she said, her concerned face instantly breaking into a wide grin as her granddaughter gurgled happily at her.
I caught Pippa’s eye as I reached Adam. She looked as shocked as I felt. I could do nothing but shrug my shoulders at her.
I willed my brain to focus, but the wires literally felt like they were crossing over and sparking off as they made the wrong connections. I needed to see Pammie again, just to make sure, but I daren’t turn around, as I was sure I could feel three pairs of eyes on my back. Would she really have gone that far to convince people she was telling the truth? I pictured her face, with its puffy cheeks and sunken eyes. Was that even possible?
I needed to think of the right words before I reached Adam, knowing that the wrong ones would set us back for months. ‘You didn’t tell me your mum was . . .’ I didn’t know how to finish the sentence.
‘Ill?’ he said.
I nodded.
‘You didn’t ask,’ he said tightly. ‘Because you didn’t care.’
I thought back to the times he’d tried to talk to me, and every time I’d shut him down. I felt a wave of nauseous guilt wash over me.
Every time I looked over at Pammie, she was watching me. Every time I sensed her coming towards me, I invented a reason to move. I don’t know if I was more frightened to talk to her in case she told me she was really ill, or because of the very real possibility that she’d gone to such lengths to keep up the pretence. I didn’t know how to respond in either case.
James caught me just as I was heading towards the ladies’.
‘That was a lovely service, Em. I’ve not had a chance to thank you for asking Kate and I to be Poppy’s godparents.’
‘It wasn’t my choice,’ I replied without stopping.
‘How are things?’ he asked.
I turned to look at him, searching his eyes for recognition of what he’d done to me and why. But they were the same as they’d always been. Warm and kind.
‘Fine,’ I said tartly.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘After the wedding and everything?’
‘We’re working on it,’ I said abruptly.
‘What have I done to upset you?’
‘Your mother told me everything,’ I said. ‘I thought you were on my side. I naively believed that what we had was—’
‘It was,’ he said, cutting across me.
I gave a hollow laugh.
‘I am on your side . . .’ he said. ‘And I’ll always be, but you made your feelings quite clear, remember?’
I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘So, whilst I’m confiding in you, you’re running straight back to Pammie and telling her everything?’
‘What? No,’ he said sharply. ‘I never repeated anything that you said, apart from when you told me that nothing could come of us.’
‘So, she didn’t tell you to come on to me? You weren’t doing it under orders?’
‘What?’ he said, screwing his face up, as if he was unable to comprehend what I was saying. ‘No. What do you take me for? I’d never do that. I told her I had feelings for you, and how guilty I felt about it . . . I confided in her because she’s my mother.’
I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
‘You have to believe me,’ he said.
‘Hey, little brother,’ called out Adam as he sidled up to him. ‘What’s she got to believe?’
James’s face coloured. ‘Nothing. It was nothing.’
‘No, come on, I’m all ears,’ went on Adam, his speech a little slurred. ‘Why is my lovely lady here calling you a liar?’
‘We were just joking around,’ offered James unconvincingly.
‘Nah, I’m not having that, fella,’ said Adam. Both James and I knew him well enough to know that he was getting bolshie, fuelled by alcohol and paranoia.
I put my hands on his chest and looked up at him, trying to engage him.
‘We’re just having a joke,’ I said. ‘James is trying to wind me up. And he’s doing a good job of it too.’ I gave him a playful slap on the arm.
I tried to guide Adam away, but he wouldn’t let it drop. ‘So, what didn’t you believe?’ he asked again.
I gave a big sigh. ‘For God’s sake, we were just fooling around. It was nothing.’
‘It didn’t look like nothing,’ he said petulantly.
I stopped him in his tracks and put my arms around his waist as he turned to face me. ‘I love you,’ I said, reaching up and kissing him on the lips. ‘Now go be with your mates. Enjoy yourself, and I’ll see you later.’