Adam came rushing down the stairs. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Oh darling, I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I never meant to upset anyone. I thought I was being helpful . . .’
She looked up at him, her eyes imploring him to believe her, but I already knew he did.
I snatched Poppy from her and went to go back upstairs. ‘That bitch better not be here when I come back out,’ I said to Adam.
I stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me, got Poppy latched on, and sobbed until I couldn’t sob anymore.
42
Adam and I had barely exchanged a word in the two weeks between Pammie’s visit and James and Kate’s wedding. I’d wanted to talk to him, to tell him everything, but as I went through the catalogue of events in my head, it occurred to me that she’d ensured that I’d look like the evil, paranoid liar every time. There wasn’t one occasion when it wasn’t my word against hers, and not only would my claims make me look bitter, they’d make me out to be a psychopath myself. I had Poppy to think about now, I couldn’t take that risk.
‘I’m not going today,’ I said, as he was getting his morning suit on.
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But I’m taking Poppy.’
My legs wobbled. This was what I was most afraid of.
‘You won’t want her there,’ I said softly. ‘She’ll only tie you down, you should be enjoying yourself today. It’s your brother’s wedding.’
He shook his head as he did up the top button of his shirt. ‘You can do what you like, but I’m taking her.’
There was no way that Poppy was going without me. I slowly went to the wardrobe and picked out my purple-print dress, still in its dry-cleaning wrapper. I’d worn it once before, earlier in my pregnancy, and its pull-in waist gave me enough room for manoeuvre over my post-baby belly without making me look too fat.
‘Will this do?’ I asked, holding it up against me, knowing that I needed to make an effort. If I was going to have to endure a day with his family, I at least needed him to be talking to me.
He nodded with a hint of a smile, though I’m not sure whether it was self-satisfaction or relief.
We exchanged superficial small talk in the car on the way there, commenting on ridiculous things such as the weather and the price of property. I stood on the pavement as he lifted Poppy out of her car seat, and he took my hand as we turned and walked towards the church. I allowed myself a little smile at the thought of Pammie seeing our united front, even if I didn’t believe it myself.
Sure enough, her face twitched as she saw us walking towards her and James, arms already outstretched to embrace her son. We didn’t even bother to acknowledge each other.
‘James,’ I said tightly. He leant over for an awkward peck on the cheek.
‘Hey, big man,’ he said to Adam, shaking his hand.
‘Nervous?’ said Adam.
‘Terrified.’ James laughed.
‘How’s Kate doing?’ Adam asked.
I didn’t hear his answer. I thought of the email sitting in my drafts folder.
Dear Kate,
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write to you, but I’ve been trying to think of the right words to say.
We hardly know each other, yet we already share so much. You probably know by now that committing yourself to the Banks clan brings about a problem that you should never underestimate.
Your love for James will be called into question time and time again as you encounter the barriers that are put in front of you. No stone will be left unturned in the attempt to get you out of his life. No act too wicked to belittle you, intimidate you, and make you feel worthless.
It’s not too late to see the mistake you’re making. I’m only thinking of you. Get out now while you still can.
Emily x
I remembered the phone calls I’d made, only to put the phone down when I heard her voice at the other end. I’d wanted to be there for Kate, to tell her that I understood everything she was going through, to put a stop to the hell she was no doubt already experiencing. But I was too weak. I didn’t want her life to be ruined, like mine had. I didn’t want her character to be changed beyond all recognition. It was too late for me, and it was too late for Rebecca, but I could save Kate, if I could just find the strength.
The vicar’s words were swirling around in my head, as if he was talking underwater. Or maybe I was the one drowning.
‘If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, he or she should declare it now.’
I steadied myself against Adam as my legs threatened to buckle, leaning into his taut frame, trying to pretend that everything was just fine. He felt my weight and turned to look at me with a concerned raise of the eyebrows, but I smiled weakly back. He doesn’t know the thoughts whirring frantically in my brain, desperately trying to find a way out, searching for an outlet for the bitterness and betrayal that engulfs me.
The blood rushed to my head, squeezing its way through the maze of capillaries at a rate that caused my neck and face to feel a sudden burning heat.
I prayed that someone, somewhere, would stand up and state their reason as to why this union shouldn’t go ahead. But there was nothing but a loud silence.
There was an awkward cough from one of the hundred-strong congregation, no doubt from someone uncomfortable with the enforced hush, and then a small titter followed, but the sound was muffled by the pounding in my head.
I looked down at the Order of Service in my shaking hands. Kate & James was scrawled prettily across the top in silver italics, but the picture of them both underneath swam in front of my eyes, their features hazy.
The seconds ticked by like hours as a deafening stillness resounded around the chapel. This was it. This was my only chance. I could stop this before it was too late. The adrenaline surged through my body as I went to step forward. I looked around, at the man by my side, our baby in his arms, and at the friends and family gathered for this momentous occasion, all looking on, dewy-eyed, with proud smiles.
I followed their gaze to Kate, whose eyes were wide in wonderment at the man standing beside her. The realization that she was starring in her very own fairy tale was apparent in her smile. James, with his deep-blue eyes, looked at his bride in awe, and I felt a tug on my heart.
I’ve had plenty of time to stop this from happening. From letting it get this far. Kate deserved to know the truth. I owed her that much.
But I wasn’t brave enough then, and I’m not brave enough now.
The vicar cleared his throat to continue, and Kate looked around coyly, before giving an exaggerated sigh of relief. The guests chuckled, and James’s shoulders visibly relaxed. The moment was gone, and with it my last chance.
The soprano sang a rousing rendition of ‘Jerusalem’, and, as the sun streamed through the stained-glass windows, I felt a hundred hearts sink at the thought of what else they could be doing on this unusually warm and bright April day. For, despite the fixed grins, there is always an underlying bristle of resentment at weddings.